This thread is interesting, and I hope it is ok bumping it back up. This is my story.
We have lived in China now for nearly 5 years. We were only supposed to be here for 2, but OH's contract keeps being renewed, and its beneficial 'package wise' for us to stay. Our goal was always for us to work here, and gain enough savings for us to buy our first house in Australia. We have recently just been granted Australian resident visa status, which will allow us to do this.
My problem is this, while we have lived here, I have become cut off from my friends and family. The reason being is because no-one has visited us, meaning they have a false perception of our life here. As such, I feel I have lost any connection with them. I know they think I have it easy, I don't work, I have a cleaner, and we are able to live a pretty good lifestyle. The thing is, its all a facade. China is a hard place to live, I mean whenever I go to the shops to buy food, I'm aware I am a laughing stock to people here, its like living in a goldfish bowl. No matter where you go, theres always people watching/staring at you. As I have a pretty good understanding of Mandarin, I am also aware of what people are saying about me, which can be hurtful when you know people are laughing at the size of your arse for example. Sometimes I feel it was better when I lived my days in a bubble of non understanding and awareness of what was going on around me.
My boyfriend has had an affair while we have lived here, he has never really gone into great lengths to dicuss it with me, I discovered it was going on, by a great desire to check his phone one day. I found text messages from his secretary, and that was it. The next day I told him, and he said that was it, the affair was finished. And we said no more about it. This was a year and a half ago. Secretly though, I have a gut feeling, it has never ended. For some reason I just accept it and get on with life.
As each day goes by, I am finding it harder and harder to live here, without feeling as though we should have some sort of proper committment to each other, we are not married [we have been together 17 years though] and I always felt once we got our visa to Oz, everything would work out, we would leave China and buy our house and finally settle down. But now we have our visa, he wants to stay in China another two years.
I don't think mentally I can cope living here for that long, by the time we leave I would be 36, I always hoped by now I would be living in my own home, married with children. The longer we stay here, the less this goal will be realised.
We have arguments/discussions about our relationship, and how it does not seem normal that we have been together so long, yet have nothing actually in concrete binding us together. Only last night he told me it bothers him, he does love me, but perhaps not in the right way. I told him perhaps he loves me like you would love a dog, he does not love me like I am a woman. I hope this makes sense.
So I feel I am coming to the end of the relationship, yet I have no where to go. I cannot move back to my home town, I cannot move back to the town where my friends live, my only other alternative is Australia, but I am not sure where. I am not sure I know how to trust myself again and move on. Although I am 34, I feel like I did when I was 17, unsure and insecure. I feel cut off from reality, and I don't know my own mind. I feel my life has been put on hold for the last 4 years, and now I am making a break for normality. But I don't know how to do it. I have lost all sense of my identity, and I don't know who I am, or where I am supposed to be.
I guess I am reaching out to a forum of strangers, because I have no guidence around me, as someone mentioned before - expat friendships can be fickle, and over the years I have withdrawn from the community here, and now live my life in my own world.
I just need to get this out, perhaps someone can other advice, I don't know. I just need to know I am not losing it.
Thanks for reading.