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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living overseas and not sure I want to anymore

78 replies

most · 28/09/2006 09:44

We have been living away from home for 5.5 years now. It has been difficult but I got to know some good people and started to really enjoy life here.

Unfortunately quite afew of my friends have moved away and I am suddenly faced with having to find new people to meet. I have been a SAHM for 3 years and its beginning to take its toll upon me.

I have limited options for work here (whenever that would happen) and no support from family. DH works alot which means I have trouble making time for language courses or even perhaps a yoga class. He often works in the evenings at home too.

He really wishes to stay and my heart is no longer in it. My family offerred several years ago the opportunity to manage their orchard which he turned down. I respected that even though he handled it badly, but am now wishing that it was otherwise. Would around parents and sister who has kids the same age as ours.

I have travelled alot and am starting to want a home and not a rented flat with no garden.

Changed my name. I have not asked support of MN before and feel abit

OP posts:
Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:32

My kids are 3 and 10 months. Pretty tied to my apron strings basically because its just us, so playgroups which I am working on with dd is a very slow process.

Going home for 6 weeks in January. Initially dh (who does not wish to go) said he could only handle us going for 1 month. But I realised recently that would be murder for me - to much flying, tiredness and how to see everyone!

I found it VERY difficult to say goodby to my family last time, although was enjoying being in CH. So we will see how it goes this time.

Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:36

SenoraPostrophe I have not seen you thread, nor knew you were heading home.

Very similar with me will require persuading and I know it will come to ultimation

I am always usually so strong even when being sensitive. Have always found making decisions very diffult - I am shite at them really. Used to such a Yes person and I guess my empathy will make it very hard because I can´t see dh being happy or even with us in NZ - oh dear

LIZS · 28/09/2006 12:37

IME this feeling is really common among the expats I knew, more often the women who were less likely to be working with its associated day to day contacts and support and wanted a permanent basis to their lives, hoem ownership, career prospects. For some that can still eb achieved over there but for many, including myself, you get to a point where the bureaucracy, language, day-to-day stress of avoiding treading on toes gets on top of you and you start to think of a future elsewhere. About a year before we left a few neighbours and friends moved on and it had a much more significant effect than I'd anticipated . It took a while to come to terms with , part out of envy that they were going "home" and making a new beginning and part out of a sense of being abandoned and resenting having to start all over again. Fortunately for me this coincided with dh reviewing his career opportunities so we agreed that if other things came together for us as a family (kids' schooling for example) the time would be right to move. In the interim we put more energy into making the most of our time there, moving to a flat with a garden.

Be kind to yourself atm and try not to make hasty decisions but perhaps your dh may not be so unwilling to move if say a few months hence you feel the same way.

Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:38

What makes it really hard is the distance of each country also. We could not have that situation so easily FrankButcher. Not sure dh could cope with that.

Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:43

Thanks LIZS for your post, one of the reasons I thought to post on MN was to get opinions such as yours and confirmations of mine I know you were in CH.

I am very good at making more friends and we socialise wih the swiss community for playgroups, park, friends. dh is a guy who gets enough social life from his work really, he enjoys seeing friends that I have meet for us and that gets to me abit.

monkey · 28/09/2006 12:45

I'm near Zurich, what about you?

Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:47

Central Bern

monkey · 28/09/2006 14:26

Well I think home ownership brings a huge change, well, it did for us, particularly me. I now know all of my neighbours, which I didn't do in our rented house (in BL). Although the language issues will I suppose never go away, it gets gradually better and better. I also suspected CH; which is why I mentioned I lived here!

I guess it depends if you still look as UK as 'home' as Lizs mentioned. I don't. I do take the kids back regularly to visit family (much more now as mil diagnosed with cancer), but would NOT want to return to UK, and while I feel the negatives of living here (esp in the few days after returning from UK visit), if I think about it (doesn't take much effort to come up with huge list of advantages of being here vs. teeny (but not unimportant) list of disadvantages.

But since we moved to this area, my I feel much much more contented and settled .

monkey · 28/09/2006 14:28

I suppose a ch meet up is out of the question? There was talk of it many moons ago, with lizs I believe and nowt ever came of it

hana · 28/09/2006 14:31

i go through this is cycles as well - dh english, I"m not. moved over here 10 years ago never with the idea or intention that I'd be here now......he's in a good place career wise and wouldn't have same ops in my country - I'm a teacher so it's not such a big deal about where I could work - I miss my sisters lots and miss seeing my nephews and neices , and my parents as well, and lots of other things
and hate sticking out as well, even though it's a western country, I 'm not a local and don't get all the cultural stuff that you take for granted
moan over
need a good sleep I think
and sorry , that hasn't helped you a bit i know!

anniemac · 28/09/2006 14:52

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franca70 · 28/09/2006 15:41

same here. I've been living in England for 8 years, dh has a good job. ds is 4 and speaks almost perfect english. I've got good friends. England is great, but I miss my home!
sorry for the rant, but it's terapeutic, I guess

admylin · 28/09/2006 15:45

I just wanted to empathise too, I know how you feel and I am also fed up of friends moving on or us having to move on.
Today I heard that our neighbours are moving which is a tragedy for my kids as they have 2 kids and they are best friends with mine so here we go again ..they have lost so many friends in their short lives. That is one of the reasons I keep putting forward when I try to decide for or against packing and leaving dh. Difficult to decide but constantly on my mind. Career is important but we count aswell.

LIZS · 28/09/2006 16:27

Yes monkey, I think between various school hours, logistics, then first JJ then me shipping out it never quite came off.

CalifornifamousFanjo · 28/09/2006 16:57

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SenoraPostrophe · 28/09/2006 17:09

what makes you say your dh will be unhappy in nz?

SSSandy · 29/09/2006 08:00

I see a couple of options:

  1. stay in Bern (for 1 year) but change your lifestyle no matter that it costs money and detracts from buying land one day. Who knows what the future will bring after all? Best to be as happy as you can now and not at some distant point in the future.

  2. take dc and go to NZ for a year. Wish I had done this because now dd is in school I am so tied down and I think maybe that's part of why I feel so down these days. If you miss dh or CH too much or life in NZ is a let-down, you can always go back earlier.

SSSandy · 29/09/2006 08:07

I'm wondering too whether the novelty of being a mother is wearing thin these days after 3 years. I found that a point came where I started to find it all more tedious than enjoyable. Maybe it's time to be YOU Paps again and not just the mum of x and y and the wife of Z.

OK changing your life in Bern to me looks like this:
if you like, leave dc with a carer and attend a language course every morning. With the language, more avenues open up to you if you're living there long-term. I know this costs Buckeroos but I think it's worth it.

do some activity you'd enjoy, be it yoga or a dance class, whatever, at least one evening a week and get a babysitter in. Start asking around for recommendations. Dh will just have to pay a babysitter once a week. After your course, you and dh can go for a meal and to a pub and feel a bit young and free (and childless).
Look for a new flat which has a garden. Move to a different part of Bern (near good schools!) and where you have more nature about you even if dh has a longer commute.

As you see, all this costs money but I think it will pay off. Otherwise what I see happening longer term is you leaving dh and the marriage breaking up.

SSSandy · 29/09/2006 08:08

Now you go over to my thread and sort me out!

Papillon · 29/09/2006 08:25

CalifornifamousFanjo - ahhhh HausFrau huh! Yes I did get on that boat and its been a at times very good place to sail and I would never have meet MN

SenoraPostrophe, dh does not want to return to NZ until he is ready and in a position to buy land and also have no desires to live in CH. He is also becoming very interested in his job, finally, so guess that mistress makes NZ less desirable. He says to go to NZ means low qualified work for him. He was (qualified) draughtsman in NZ and also has alot of experience with landscape gardening and architeture. He says working for my parents is just a labouring job on the orchard, but would be same even when we owned the land.

SSSandy - we have backed away from buying here atm and are looking for somewhere with a garden. Have thought about going to NZ but am not ready to broach that with dh just yet.

when ds woke me up this morning was having dream about booking my flights to NZ! Been having some problems getting my ticket sorted. Was quite symbolic of whats going on emotionally for me.

SSSandy · 29/09/2006 08:38

Think you should be running that orchard.

No, no wait think I should be running that orchard.

Papillon · 29/09/2006 08:43

my sister (always one to imagine everything will be hers) wants to manage she informed me the other day! She is in the process of separating from her dh and will be living on the orchard in a house my parents are setting up for her.

Talked to her at length the other day and she said we could manage it together!

House in the lane is up for rent too.....

SSSandy · 29/09/2006 08:45

Well now she's taking it, I really want that orchard! Don't know anything about trees unfortunately. Must say it sounds like a restful kind of life

anniemac · 29/09/2006 10:44

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anniemac · 29/09/2006 10:48

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