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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To have discovered my husband openly lying to me

83 replies

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:09

I accidentally opened a letter to my husband as I thought it said Mrs not Mr. It reported my husband had received a great review at work and he was to get a bonus and pay rise backdated. I felt bad and thought he'd probably want to tell me himself later at night so I sealed it up. When he got home I handed him his post and casually said 'this one looks important'. He opened it in front of me and said 'oh it's nothing just pension rubbish'. I feel cheated as I'm a sahm and we have separate accounts, he gives me an allowance towards the house. I can't tell him I know as he'll know I opened his post. If I say it was by mistake he may think I'm lying. Don't know what to do?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2014 22:10

Why couldn't you tell him you'd opened it by mistake?

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:11

I'm thinking about it, but what do
I say, why didn't you tell me you had a raise?

OP posts:

Stopmithering · 28/07/2014 22:12

Maybe he's putting it towards a diamond ring or fantastic holiday for you and wants to keep it as a surprise?

Staryyeyedsurprise · 28/07/2014 22:13

Do you have a joint account? Will you see the money gong into the bank?

BIWI · 28/07/2014 22:13

I think you'd be better off posting this in relationships.

There's obviously an issue here with money and him withholding information/not sharing with you his financial situation.

ArgyMargy · 28/07/2014 22:14

I don't understand why couples have separate accounts.

Bearbehind · 28/07/2014 22:14

Where is the letter now?

Can you accidentally 'stumble' upon it in order to raise the issue?

Staryyeyedsurprise · 28/07/2014 22:16

Oh sorry, just reread. You do have separate accounts.

Can see why you're pissed off. Even if he is planning a "surprise" it still feels weird - you wouldn't be able to make the same unilateral decision so it seems unequal.

KillmeNow · 28/07/2014 22:19

If this were me I wouldnt have a qualm about getting the letter to 'check out the pension details' because this affects me too and I need to know what is happening with our pensions.

Could you use this ?

Or have a sort out of all correspondence to make sure nothing has been missed. I do this on a regular basis before chucking away envelopes and shredding outdated letters /receipts etc. Could this be the week for a sort out?

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:21

We have a joint account and we both have separate accounts too, just from the time before we got together. I haven't checked the joint account yet which his salary goes into. If the bonus isn't there I'll know he's transferred it to his own account. He's really tight with cash and us always moaning I'm spending too much I would post to relationships but I'm on my mobile and can't cut and paste this thread

OP posts:

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 28/07/2014 22:25

Hi Lottiegal - we've moved this one to Relationships for you now.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:25

OP posts:

TillyWilly · 28/07/2014 22:30

Hi Lotti how is your relationship otherwise?

CatKisser · 28/07/2014 22:30

It may sound childish but I'm more upset he wasn't excited to tell me or want to celebrate his success/ spoil us a bit. If I was the breadwinner I would definitely have come home beaming with a bottle of wine...
I totally agree and would wonder why a DP wouldn't be reacting the same. But you do know you need to ask him about it, don't you?

ZanyMobster · 28/07/2014 22:31

Can you check the account before he would have chance to move any money? Surely if he got a pay rise that will show each month? That way at least you can ask him about it.

I agree OP, DH sent me a whatsapp message as soon as he found out about his bonus as he was excited. I would be upset if he lied to me about money, in the past DH has 'omitted' things (not about money or women) and he knows this upsets me, I confronted him and have basically said I will never trust him if he does this and that it is not a relationship I will want to be in, things are much better now.

Do you think you could speak to him about it?

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:38

We have had issues with money in the past. It took a long time for him to agree to a joint account. We had a rocky spell a few months ago but I felt we were through it and had been having a really good relationship recently. This has made me feel like I can't trust him now and sad that he doesn't value me enough to want to share his achievements

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:39

Zany... I'm pretty slack at checking that account as I don't have online banking for it. But I could get a statement

OP posts:

TillyWilly · 28/07/2014 22:44

So this way he is with money and secrecy is not unusual for him then?
What was the rocky patch about?

ZanyMobster · 28/07/2014 22:52

Definitely worth phoning or popping into the bank.

I don't think my DH even considered I found his omissions a breach of trust as they were small things but things like this really makes you rethink how much you trust your partner don't they. I am glad I spoke to him though, you may be surprised.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 28/07/2014 22:53

Does he perhaps have debts or savings you don't know about?
I used to work with a guy who always hid his pay rises and lied about how much he got for bonuses.
He had a secret gambling account too and had about 30k that his wife didn't know about.
He also used to spend a lot of money at strip clubs and cheated on her too. Nice guy!
Really shady and I always wanted to let the wife know anonymously!!

Obviously I'm not saying your husband is doing all these things but secrecy around money is a no go when you are a married couple as far as I am concerned. Especially if you have kids that are doing without whilst thy top up their secret gambling fund!

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:57

Yes he's always been quite a private person in many ways, I wouldn't say he was secretative about money. He just is a little unrealistic about what a family of five costs and thinks I'm a bit reckless with money. This being me going out buying new school uniform in the weekly budget without consulting him first, that sort if thing.

I find it hard since I had a good career in London with my own independence with money so I feel we should share his salary if I'm to be a sahm. He has come around to this idea gradually but I feel this is a set back in my trust for him. We have argued a lot about how to spend our money.

The rocky patch was really down to letting everyday life get in the way, he works long hours commuting to London and I do all the childcare so we are both grumpy and tired for the one hour we see each other at night. He feels a bit resentful that his weekends are spent helping look after the kids and doing chores around the house...that sort of thing

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 28/07/2014 23:04

When does he think he should parent his own children then? If he doesn't want to do it at the weekend?
It's not 'helping out'.

I would do some digging first as if you confront he may jut hide stuff better. And there may be other stuff he is hiding.
Hope you are ok.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 28/07/2014 23:06

I don't think it's that he doesn't want to share his successes with you... He doesn't want to share his money!

What's yours is his and what's his is his too.

Redglitter · 28/07/2014 23:10

Give him a chance. It says he's GOING to get a bonus and pay rise. He hasn't got it yet. He's possibly going to wait til he gets it then surprise you or tell you when he knows how much he's getting

Original poster

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 23:13

Hmm it makes me cross that almost every day he has come home saying he's had a tough day. At least on one of those days he must have found out at work that he'd had a good review. I don't think it's normal to not want to share that with your partner

OP posts:

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