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Original poster

To have discovered my husband openly lying to me

83 replies

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:09

I accidentally opened a letter to my husband as I thought it said Mrs not Mr. It reported my husband had received a great review at work and he was to get a bonus and pay rise backdated. I felt bad and thought he'd probably want to tell me himself later at night so I sealed it up. When he got home I handed him his post and casually said 'this one looks important'. He opened it in front of me and said 'oh it's nothing just pension rubbish'. I feel cheated as I'm a sahm and we have separate accounts, he gives me an allowance towards the house. I can't tell him I know as he'll know I opened his post. If I say it was by mistake he may think I'm lying. Don't know what to do?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 29/07/2014 07:10

I would be tempted to wait for his explanation and then be honest with him. Any attempt to push your feelings to one side would make me consider the relationship and he can shell out a vast amount in maintenance instead. This is particularly in light of what you said about your dad which I assume he is aware of....

Jan45 · 29/07/2014 10:23

What a sneak, imagine not saying anything to your partner that you share your life with - sorry but I would have trust issues with this man, he also sounds like a tight arse too.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 10:31

We had a frank discussion this morning as he's working from home today. He said the reason he didn't tell me straight away is down to a few reasons. He's been looking to change jobs to get more money recently as we've been running up debts. He said he felt sad he would have to leave his current job that he was doing well in. This is down to me asking if we could consider moving as the two local schools have gone downhill recently and we wanted out worst ds to go somewhere better, hence more expensive house in better area.

Also because he is the sole earner, we receive child benefit for our three dc but have to pay it back in tax at the end if the year because he earns over the threshold, which is a couple if thousand pounds. This is to enable me to keep getting NI premiums so I can get a state pension at least for being a sahm. Basically his bonus will pay this money off as we have spent in as we've been going along on emergencies like car service etc.

He said he didn't want me to get excited about the money as it would have to pay off the tax and overdraft which I totally agree with. But I don't understand him keeping it from me and lying. He said he'd had a really tough day yesterday and didn't feel like having that conversation when he got home. When I asked if we could get the kids new scooters, he grumbled Sad

As for work I am not able to step straight back into what I did before without retraining and I can't afford the cost to do this. I have two children at school and one starting at nursery in Sept. I've been trying to retrain myself at home to set up my own business but it's taking so long as I have limited time and money to get it going right now so I'm a bit trapped really??

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 10:31

Sorry meant oldest ds not worst!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 10:34

Just wanted to add he does do a lot with the kids at the weekend and helps in the evenings at home, but it's done begrudgingly. I don't feel he enjoys the children much

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 10:35

Lavender honey yes I'm sure he'd much rather be laying in bed or playing golf, he's always dreaming of retirement!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 29/07/2014 10:36

OP, sorry but why not say that at the time then, it sounds dodgy, like he only tells you certain things and keeps the rest to himself. The fact he grudges spending money on you and the kids as well as spending time with them would indicate he's just a miserable sod, sorry.

WipsGlitter · 29/07/2014 10:41

TBH, those are pretty valid reasons for not splurging the money. It sounds like you have very different attitudes to money - he explains that it's needed for tax and overdraft (essential) and you then ask to spend some on scooters (non essential).

Do you have a family budget, can you see where you're leaking money. If he's earning over the threshold that's an ok/good wage but if you are overdrawn every month there's something going wrong. Why not sit down together and work it out.

What did you do before becoming a SAHM? Is there no option but retraining?

MagnificentMaleficent · 29/07/2014 10:48

When you say you have had problems in the past were these around money?

Could it be that he thinks if you know the money is there you will spend it, without consideration for what needs to be paid?

I'm not saying that's right, but if he thinks you will squander it, for want of a better word, and actually your financial situation isn't great, it does make more sense.

Twinklestein · 29/07/2014 10:53

Agree with Wips you need to do a spread-sheet over a year of incomings and outgoings to see why you're pushing into overdraft. Washing machines and car servicing are not extras but inevitable and you need to have a fund for that kind of thing, scooters are not important.

What would be the cost to retrain and what kind of time-frame are you looking at? A degree?

Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 11:24

I was a graphic designer before but I don't really want to go back doing that as I found it very stressful. I've been trying to make things at home and sell them
online, like prints, homewares etc. I gets lots if good feedback and some money but it's not a decent salary ifkwim

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 29/07/2014 11:26

His explanation is ok but I'd insist on transparency on all the bills, you've only his word for all of this.

The money tbh wouldn't be my biggest issue, it would have been the downright lie about the letter.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 11:26

Wips, yes we had a budget but it didn't leave anything for a contingency fund so every month we would go over. I guess we need to cut back harder

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 29/07/2014 11:32

Where does the money you make go? Even if it was a small amount could you agree that is goes on 'treats' like the scooters?

I use a lot of freelance graphic designers, most of them work from home. Could you not check out your old contacts and see if you can get a few bits of work?

Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 11:50

Wips, I did freelance for a bit but I just couldn't offer the kind of hours/ turnaround time my clients wanted. I did a job recently but my daughter git ill (she has long term health issues) and I had to take her to hospital. That client pulled the job from me and I struggled to get paid. I had similar when I worked when my ds was young and I decided it wasn't worth the stress/little money I was getting

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 11:50

Sorry, got ill

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Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 12:18

Notapizzaeater, me too I know most people argue over things but the lie has really got me, more so as I thought we had a healthier, more open relationship recently :0(

For some reason he's in a really good mood today, not like him!

OP posts:
PeckhamPearlz · 29/07/2014 13:56

For some reason he's in a really good mood today

Maybe your 'frank discussion' has lifted the weight from his shoulders?

scottishmummy · 29/07/2014 17:27

Ok,so in fairness he has financial worries as sole earner.he wants to cut back,you want expensive house
You do need to return to work,to build an earning profile.eso if you want to move
And if an expensive house isn't achievable on one wage yiu can't move unless you work too

That's why both parents generally work to fund a lifestyle,house,etc
If yiu want that,you also have to work

I don't know your field but you may need to start at lower grade To get re-established

do you have employment contacts you can utilise?

Original poster
Lottiegal · 30/07/2014 21:43

I don't think returning to work as a knee jerk reaction is the answer to this issue. I intend to return to work when my youngest starts school that's always been my plan. I am putting steps in place towards this.

Right now it's a trust issue for me with my husband. I'm not 100% sure I like the way he makes me feel - undervalued and taken for granted. I don understand your point about having more financial independence so if I ever gave to make a serious decision about our relationship then I can act in it if I need to. To be honest my husband earns way above what u could now, so even if I worked full time I'd be adding about 20k which wouldn't buy us a much bigger house in the areas with good schools. If my husband became a consultant then he could potentially earn double his current salary. Which is all irrelevant if we are not together. I'm not sure I can split with him over this, but I will have to be extra vigilant I guess.

He bought me a necklace from Oliver Bonas to say sorry, not sure I want it under the circumstances

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 30/07/2014 21:44

Sorry meant husband earns above what I could

OP posts:
longjane · 30/07/2014 21:52

All those you say go back to work

This is really hard to do if have a child that get sick.

You say you lost your a job because you daughter got sick.
This what happens when your put your child health 1st .

Right I think you need to stop looking at bigger house .
Be happy where you are.
You husband has job he likes and that pays well. Which is brilliant.

You need to stop spending and learn to budget .if you are not going to work this need to become your job .

scottishmummy · 30/07/2014 21:55

So,all things considered youll never work again?and hope he get promoted?
Thats a risky plan.you remain reliant on his salary and hope boat dont rock
Never mind he bought you a high street necklace

penguinplease · 30/07/2014 22:01

Cancel the child benefit by the way. It makes no difference to your pension and is just money to find, better to not have it than have it taken away.

scottishmummy · 30/07/2014 22:07

Yes,if hes got disposable he'd be better paying into a private pension for you
Is it advantageous to receive cb to then pay it off?why not bank it separately if you know it'll be recouped?