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Original poster

To have discovered my husband openly lying to me

83 replies

Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 22:09

I accidentally opened a letter to my husband as I thought it said Mrs not Mr. It reported my husband had received a great review at work and he was to get a bonus and pay rise backdated. I felt bad and thought he'd probably want to tell me himself later at night so I sealed it up. When he got home I handed him his post and casually said 'this one looks important'. He opened it in front of me and said 'oh it's nothing just pension rubbish'. I feel cheated as I'm a sahm and we have separate accounts, he gives me an allowance towards the house. I can't tell him I know as he'll know I opened his post. If I say it was by mistake he may think I'm lying. Don't know what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 23:17

The letter explicitly stated the exact amount he would get, the bonus and pay rise and when it would go in to the account. This is the civil service so it's pretty certain.

Red glitter I'd love to believe you but dh has never surprised me with any gift since we got married. When he's got a bonus in the past he's grumpily said that will go towards paying off our overdraft. Like I have no say in it.

OP posts:
fizzylime · 28/07/2014 23:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:22

Are your finances transparent and do you decide together your budget and big purchases.

It's not like school uniform is optional.

Also important to remember that money spent on clothing/entertaining/feeding kids is not your expense singular, but a family expense. If you take the children out and about during the day that is not you costing him money that is family money being spent on his children.

As for weekends you are both busy providing for your family monday to friday, if he is 'cheated' of free time at the weekend then so are you. He doesn't seem to mind that though does he?

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:26

Nothing wrong with paying off an overdraft! Having an overdraft does suggest there is money being overspent somewhere, but it's not just his choice what to do with family money.

I doubt he can get paid part into one account and part in another. Maybe he's assuming you won't look.

Maybe he didn't want to say because in his world with his attitude to money he was thinking you'd just get excited and want to waste it on fripperies rather than do what he wants to do with it.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 23:37

He's got a very old fashioned view about how the kids should be raised/entertained. His parents struggled to send him to
private school so he had second hand clothes/toys and no holidays for his first 15 years. I think he imagines if I do more than take the kids to the park with a box of sandwiches then I'm being extravagant.

Our budgeting is pretty diabolical, we do budget each month but extras always crop up like a washing machine breaking or the car servicing which pushes us back into our overdraft. We've been saving hard and hosting students so we can have a holiday to see my family in Finland this year (I'm half Finnish) Now he's had an ok bonus (the first in many years) it would mean we'd have some decent spending money for the trip. I'm definitely going to mention I've seen the letter tomorrow for this reason!

OP posts:
Johnogroats · 28/07/2014 23:39

I got a large bonus this year....first thing I did was email DH....most of it went on mortgage / holiday, but I did buy myself a new bike.

I know someone whose wife has real spending issues (bipolar and seriously financially irresponsible). He didn't tell her about bonus as he knew she would spend 3x bonus... And they had mega overdraft.

I think you need to talk to DH. You aren't on the same page. He doesn't trust you.

HSMMaCM · 28/07/2014 23:48

I used to work in payroll and sadly lots of people pay a fixed amount into the family joint account and the balance is paid elsewhere. It's easy to do via all the systems I used.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 23:50

I casually looked at the letter as he was going up to bed and asked what it was about as it didn't mention the pension. He said he was going to talk to me about it tomorrow as he'd had a tough day and was tired. Ho hum, guess well have to sleep on it ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 28/07/2014 23:53

HSMM really? This is worrying. Although I do know that he has not lied to me about his salary before as it's the amount he told me it was previously. This bonus is a recent thing

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 28/07/2014 23:57

Hmmm - what's to,talk about - he can just tell you and then talk about it tomorrow.

My DH gets bonuses we have a joint account, he emails me as soon as he finds out what it is. I'm a sahm I don't have to justify any spending.

wafflyversatile · 29/07/2014 00:08

handy to know,HSMM I'm going to be taking payroll inhouse soon!

I won't be advertising that service. Don't want to complicate my job.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 29/07/2014 00:14

Feeling very emotional about it. I don't know why but it's making me think of my dad who died suddenly 5 years ago. My sister and I found out he had won 10,000 in premium bonds and not told my mum. We later found out he'd been having an affair. Trying not to think too much about that.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 29/07/2014 00:19

Even without that little backstory I'm not surprised you feel emotional about it.

kaykayblue · 29/07/2014 03:12

Jesus what a lying dick.

Would you consider going back to work?

Frankly, it might be a huge wake up call for your husband. If he isn't willing to equally share "his" money then you can go out and earn your own. The costs of resulting childcare split 50/50.

I think he might all of a sudden realize exactly how much you are saving the family by being a sahm...

kaykayblue · 29/07/2014 03:16

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Capitola · 29/07/2014 03:30

It's completely weird that he's keeping this from you, unless he's about to surprise you with an amazing gift..

My dh's bonus pays for all our holidays in the year and other 'treats'.

We do however, keep separate accounts as well as joint, but purely for dh paying the mortgage as he earns 4x as much as I do, and buying each other gifts out of our 'own' earnings. We are completely open with each other about money, anything else is just odd.

VioletStar · 29/07/2014 03:47

FWIW Lottie, my DH got a similar thing this year from his employer. When I got in from work (he was working from home that day), it was first thing he told me, with big grin on his face. We have separate accounts and a joint family one.(I work ft too but earn far, far less). The family one is where most of our money goes each month with allowance we keep for ourselves. The family gets his bonus, although I always insist he buys sthg for himself too as he puts in the long hours. He always gets me/ us (ie kids) sthg.
You deserve to share the happiness of the news even if the money goes to paying off debt. And your joint account revised to include pay rise/ your 'allowances' for your own accounts.

Jux · 29/07/2014 03:50

Seriously, Lottie, would you consider going back to work? You had a good career and financial independence. Regardless of this bonus and your dh's behaviour, you will almost certainly feel better if you are working too. Furthermore, when all your children are at school, what will you do?

Can you study, or retrain if you weren't happy in what you were doing before?

I am concerned, because it does look like your dh is not being financially transparent, and I am worried about your dependence upon him if he is not being completely open, honest and fair.

FabULouse · 29/07/2014 06:10

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Coconutty · 29/07/2014 06:18

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KoalaDownUnder · 29/07/2014 06:21

Yep, I'd be pissed off and worried about this.

I thought it was possible that he was waiting until later to surprise you with the good news, but now with your update, clearly not. He was trying to downplay it because he had planned on not telling you at all! I think he was going to squirrel the spare cash away somewhere without your knowledge, perhaps indefinitely.

It's not the money so much as the dishonesty that would be a potential deal-breaker for me. I'd be having a Very Serious Talk. And also looking into getting back into the workforce to get my own cash to squirrel, since he obviously thinks that what's his is his.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/07/2014 06:35

You should go back to work even if it costs. Remember the childcare costs are spread over both your wages! it's not just you taking the hit. He has too much financial power over you. To be honest even if he comes clean today it may be because he thinks you suspect something.

scottishmummy · 29/07/2014 06:43

Go back to work.book nursery,he'll have to pay nursery fees
You'll not be dependent upon him

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 29/07/2014 06:50

Dh got a payrise and bonus on Friday so he sent me a text at work to tell me.

I'm not sure going back to work would solve your problem, it may make it worse as then he'd try to keep all his money.

lavenderhoney · 29/07/2014 06:55

Aside from the money, he isn't pulling his weight weekends because he sees it as your job, and your kids. What would he prefer to be doing then? Laying in bed? Golf?

When do you get time away from the dc? Or is he a bit of a strict arse with the dc and it ends in tears at his parenting style. I assume he doesn't direct you on that too?

Money- mention going back to work. He might not like that. But you have a right to if you want and also to be able to buy a school shirt if you please. If he suggests childcare and unpaid leave are your problem then he's not bringing much to the party.

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