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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help womens aid or the police

84 replies

jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 22:10

I have NC for this as I dont want my friend to know I am posting this on her behalf

She is in a very abusive relationship, he's controlling she's not allowed friends and its got so bad that he wont let her have a lock on the toilet

She's just rung me petrified, hes just destroyed the shopping with a pair of scissors she's hiding upstairs with her dog and he's gone out

She's ringing me to say that she would never commit suicide she just wants me to know that and if she dials my number but doesn't talk Im to call the police for her

I'm of a mind to do it now except for the fact that he hurt her badly last year and her friend called the police but they let him off with a caution

Unfortunately the legal position is that its his house too and he was allowed to return to the property

Don't know what to do now i've tried to give her womens aid number but she is frightened to write anything down in case he finds it

Ive just about convinced her to keep her mobile tucked under the edge of the bed so she can get to it, he insists on it being turned off at night and she isnt allowed a phone in the bedroom

OP posts:
something2say · 25/07/2014 22:12

Does she want to leave? Call DV helpline for assistance.
Google local DV worker service in your area.
Emergency is 999 obv x

Ormally · 25/07/2014 22:19

If it were me, I would first of all call her a taxi asap and probably get it to take her to somewhere quite public like a supermarket that is not too close to her place. Meet her there? Talk more and use your phone to call DV help as above, and get her to speak to them properly on your line.

TurboWithAKick · 25/07/2014 22:20

Does she have dc?

Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 22:27

She wants to but she doesnt want to give up the house its partly hers but she seems genuinely scared

OP posts:
Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 22:27

Please get her to you tonight or at least somewhere safer. Who knows what mood he'll be in when he returns once he's had time to stew, work himself up more or in taken alcohol etc.

From a safer place she might feel able to phone Woman's Aid or something similar. She needs help. She's taken the first hardest step by contacting you & confiding in what's been going on.

Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 22:32

her children are grown up and she's kept this hidden from them I'm sure they would be appalled that she was in this state

OP posts:
Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 22:32

Can you try to call her while he is out & ask her if she'd stay at yours (if possible) this evening?

Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 22:32

We are neighbours I'm just going to see if he's come home

OP posts:
Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 22:33

Remember to stay safe yourself too x

weatherall · 25/07/2014 22:40

Contact women's aid yourself for advice. Their helpline is for friends like you needing advice too.

Leaving is dangerous so she is right to be scared. She needs to be able to stay safe once she's gone.

CarryOnDancing · 25/07/2014 22:41

If he's home could you go round and say that something awful has happened to a family member and you need a friend to talk to?
See if you can get her out of there?

What a horrible situation for you friend and for you!

If he tries to make it so she can't talk to you then I'd consider calling the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 22:42

Call the police and tell them you have a direct report of a woman being attacked and being so frightened that she's having to take refuge in a room. Emphasise the danger she is in. Tell them about the scissors. Tell them that she's even planned how to get in touch if she's unable to speak. It doesn't matter what happened last time. Insist they send help and insist they prosecute the bastard.

Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 22:43

Hes home I cant even text her or ring

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/07/2014 22:43

And remind her that while it's understandable that she's protecting her rights to the house, a solicitor can sort that out later. Her life is much more valuable!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/07/2014 22:44

As far as immediate action, I would do as Cogito advises. Ring police.

Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 22:44

At this stage, with him returning & the time of night, I agree with CogitoErgo

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/07/2014 22:45

She's ringing me to say that she would never commit suicide she just wants me to know that and if she dials my number but doesn't talk Im to call the police for her

THIS sounds dangerously like he's threatened to kill her. Or she truly believes he will. If he's checked her phone when he got home, he will know she rang you....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 22:46

Call the police. If he's going at the shopping with scissors he's got a weapon ffs. She's a vulnerable adult, she's in danger and she needs help. 999... now

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 22:48

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner from the Womens Aid website.

Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 22:51

She's ringing me to say that she would never commit suicide she just wants me to know that and if she dials my number but doesn't talk Im to call the police for her

THIS sounds dangerously like he's threatened to kill her. Or she truly believes he will.

Reading what Alice said (in italics) actually made my blood run cold. What she said sounds harrowingly true. It does sound like something someone would say if something awful was to happen you are to pass on the message that she didn't do it herself.

Please, please call the police. Now. Do not leave it any longer. If needs be show them this thread. Show them the texts she's sent you. This woman is in danger.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 23:05

It's worse than that. It sounds as though he has threatened to kill her and make it look like suicide. She's saying 'I wouldn't commit suicide' in anticipation of being found dead.

Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 23:06

I think he suspects she is going to try and leave him, the other friend who called the police was down here on holiday she met up with them on the QT they keep trying to help her leave. He blames her for calling the police and things have been getting steadily worse and worse

Its one of the reasons I'm reluctant to call the cavalry incase I make the situation worse and he really goes mad

She has the local citizens advice number i'm going to try and get her out there so she can get a plan together

She just text cant talk

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybellybo · 25/07/2014 23:07

this can't go on I'm on the phone now

OP posts:
Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 23:09

Jellybellybo, I appreciate that you are in an extremely difficult position right now & the last thing any of us want to do is scare you, make this situation worse or ''read too much into things'' - but in all honesty, the more you read your posts & things this woman has said to you - tomorrow might be too late. It really sounds like she needs help NOW.

If you take advice to call the police you need to stress everything - you need to tell them how frigging useless they were before (in a more tactful way!) & explain to them how much danger, real danger, this woman is in if she is to be continually left alone with this bully.

Chocaholicmonster · 25/07/2014 23:10

Good luck Jelly. We are here to support you also. Making that phone call cannot of been an easy choice but you've made the right one x