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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP needs to go, had enough of the abuse.

102 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 15:57

But how do I go about this? We have a Dd who is 2, we are not very well off and I am scared of how he will react to me asking him to leave.

There is a lot of back story but basically I have been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, on and off, for nearly 2 years. I can't take it anymore. Just as I think things are improving he does it again and we are back to sqaure one. I don't feel like I love him anymore and I sometimes cringe if he tries it on.

I know he needs to go, but how?

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 16:01

I would wait until he is out of the house, phone or text him to tell him it is over and he needs to leave.

lock all doors, if he arrives home contact the police on 999 and ask for help removing him because you are scared.

Be brave. You're doind the right thing

tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 16:01
  • doing
Weliveinabeautifulworld · 22/02/2014 16:02

I do not know much about this, but could you call a confidential line like refuge on 0808 2000 247. If not, I'm sure someone else will come along soon with more experience.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2014 16:04

As you seem very frightened of him and I'm reading 'violent/aggressive' when you say 'domestic abuse' I'd recommend you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask for their advice on how to get him out of your life quickly and safely. Safety has to be your top priority here. Might mean calling the Police non-emergency number 101 and talking to the DV unit. Might mean going to a refuge and ending it from there. They are very good at this kind of thing. Good luck and stay safe.

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 16:08

Get some advice and support OP there's no need to do this alone. We're here and I think that Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 should be your first call as soon as you get the chance.

Are you at risk of being hurt today?

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 16:51

Thank you for the helpful contact numbers and support. He has been aggressive in the past but directly at me. Verbally aggressive lots of times, today included. He has thrown things, broken things and kicked and hit things, sometimes in front of dd. So although he has never hurt my directly he takes it out on inanimate objects and he behaves in a threatening way.

I am hoping he is out tonight so I will give women's aid a call. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 16:51

Sorry not directly at me.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 22/02/2014 19:50

Good luck

You will be ok once out of this, def doing right thing

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 22/02/2014 20:05

I have a feeling I commented on an earlier thread of yours. Good luck OP. I am six months on from having left my ex P (2 young DCs). It has been a very difficult six months but I have no regrets and it was certainly for the best and I feel stronger every day.

Sparklysilversequins · 22/02/2014 20:09

Next time he starts throwing his weight about and smashing things up (YOUR stuff mainly I suspect) call the police immediately and tell them he is behaving threateningly towards you in front of your child, they will remove him. What is the legal situation re your home? Are you both on the tenancy/mortgage?

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 20:23

please call womans aid:)

I was in an aggressive, controlling & abusive marriage (although not violent but was going that way).
It broke me as a person, start looking into houses you can rent, if your working what you can afford, if your a sahm then go to your housing ex & get on the list/apply for housing benefit.

It is such a scary time, money worries, housing worries but when everything is done, you are away from it all & start rebuilding your life- you will look at what you have done & wissh you had done it sooner.
I'm just starting to get back into work after it all & I am so proud that I pulled myself up & stood up.to the bully-
stay strong you can do thisThanks

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 21:42

Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely need it! After his abuse this morning he went back to bed and I went to my mums with dd for the day. He clearly knows he's in the shit because I get home and he's tidied the whole house and just sent me a text saying 'i love you'. He is out with some old friends tonight anyway thankfully and so I have some time to think.

I feel I have just been playing along for the last few months, telling him what he wants to hear, saying 'i love you' and not meaning it etc. It really blew up before Xmas and I gave him the choice of either getting help or we break up. He went to GP but that's it. He was going to ring one of the free counselling services but he never did.

I also said if he is abusive again, that's it, its over. It's taken longer than I thought but this morning he called me a miserable c**t and said something like 'do you ever fucking smile'. Just because I was knackered from having a bit of a shit night sleep (DD is a bit ill) and wasn't in the mood for his silliness while i was trying to hang the washing on the maiden (he tried to cheer me up by being daft but he thinks playing with my tits is funny :/). To top it off when he turned to go upstairs I think I sighed and shook my head and he comes back down and says 'what was that?!' I told him I didn't say anything and he said 'good.' All with that horrible aggressive look on his face. My heart sank because it was at that point I realised, he's done it again. That's it. Now it has to end. What the hell do I do now?

I'm just so gutted because since Xmas he really seemed like he had changed, like he'd had this sudden realisation that he'd been a dick for the last 2 years and wanted to make it up to me and DD. Obviously not.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 22/02/2014 21:46

Moonshine you don't seem to appreciate how bad his behaviour is. Talking to you with those words, groping you and threatening you... do you accept that kind of behaviour from anyone else??

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 21:47

Oops, had a bit a rant there and forgot to answer some of your questions!

We are renting and are both on the tenancy, he would have to leave though as me and DD have nowhere to go.

I work part time in the afternoons and he works pretty much full time but in long shifts over 3 or 4 days. Mostly evenings / nights.

If we split up I would have to get housing benefit as I simply don't have the cash to pay the full rent here. To be honest I would probably have to move anyway which is no bad thing cos our house leaves a lot to be desired!

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 21:48

How would you react if someone did these things to your dd?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 22/02/2014 21:49

Advice you receive will depend on whether you are renting or home owners and whose name is on the mortgage in that case.

You need some headspace and to get away from this dickhead though Moon! How bloody dare he treat you like that! Let MNetters know more about the practicalities of your domestic arrangements and you will be inundated with excellent advice on here.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 21:50

No I don't, its grim. I hate it. He doesn't behave like that with anyone else either. He says he has an anger problem but it was only after it all blew up before xmas that I finally accepted the truth, that it is domestic abuse and it sickens me. Where i work i get reports of DV/DA incidents and my heart sinks as i know that i am dealing with this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 21:51

Sorry lots of x-posts! the last one was a reply to Logg1e :)

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Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 21:53

Tiny - he often does do these things in front of DD, she was only in the next room today. If someone did these things to her when she is older then obviously I'd be mortified. I don't want this for either if us.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 22/02/2014 21:55

What Cogito said. He sounds vile OP. Im sorry you are going through this.

savingupforanother · 22/02/2014 21:59

If you think you would need to leave your current place anyway then I would speak to Women's Aid about going somewhere like a refuge just for now and then getting advice on options for a new place for you and DD. WA will be able to help you with that. But then you would be out and not beholden to him to leave.

jaffacake2 · 22/02/2014 22:01

Sounds like you are really scared when he talks to you with the anticipation that he may turn violent. Imagine how those same feelings are for your little girl, she will be picking up on the tension and fear.
Please think about a better life for you both.
Even if she is in the next room she will still be affected.
Hope you are safe and can leave him.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 22:04

I think if it came to it then we could squeeze in at my mums place, just about. I don't want to disrupt DD's routine more than is needed as we will no doubt be going through a fairly disruptive time shortly. I'm just working up the courage to ring WA....

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 22:04

So if your dd came home at 20 (for example) and said to you this..

Mum

' he calls me a cunt'

'He throws things, punches and kicks things'

'He touches me in places when i have not agreed'

what would you tell her to do? Would it br acceptable for your daughter to be living this way?

no you would move her away from it and make her safe.

You must get rid of this poor excuse for a human being.If you cannot do it for yourself do it for your child otherwise she is going to grow up and start a vicious cycle of her own involving bad men who abuse her

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 22:15

I hear everything your saying tinyturtle, I am working on getting out.
Just tried WA but they're busy.

OP posts: