I think DP needs to go, had enough of the abuse.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

But how do I go about this? We have a Dd who is 2, we are not very well off and I am scared of how he will react to me asking him to leave.

There is a lot of back story but basically I have been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, on and off, for nearly 2 years. I can't take it anymore. Just as I think things are improving he does it again and we are back to sqaure one. I don't feel like I love him anymore and I sometimes cringe if he tries it on.

I know he needs to go, but how?

[FreakinAllAboutSugar]

Give P's ticket to a friend,leave DD with your mum and go to the gig.

Your STBXP can use the time you're out to pack his bags.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Moonshine, it's hard. There're always excuses. My XH didn't grow up with violence, but it was that his mother was domineering and there was never any affection shown. There's always an excuse.

The cycle of "nice guy", "nasty guy", "sorry guy" is exhausting. In the beginning the cycle could be months long. By the end I remember actually watching the whole thing, like a detached observer, happen 5 or 6 times in one day! He could complete the full thing in 1 hour. He had honed is skills in what needed promising or blaming to placate me.

I was very emotionally detached by then, and in many ways just playing along.

When I finally left it was all very calm. He said, "if you go this time I will never have you back. I'm not playing these games of yours anymore."

I think I might have actually laughed, and said, "I have no intention of ever coming back."

I was lucky that my XH was too much of a coward to ever actually hit me. He would punch walls and terrify me, but he was too scared that actually punching me would mean there was real evidence of him hurting me.

Sorry, this is probably irrelevant, but I know other people's experiences helped me make that final break. And I have never looked back or regretted it for one second.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Thanks for the support. I certainly do feel like I'm playing along. He says he's booked us a weekend away for my birthday (not till Summer) and I think he has done it as another way to get me to stay. I am going to tell him I think he should cancel it, which might provoke a bad reaction but ultimately might lead to him leaving. He only told me last week, after he had already paid for half of it, and I was aghast. I had no idea what to say at the time but I knew it wouldn't be happening. I don't know when i'm going to tell him yet though. Sooner rather than later I think.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

He is literally begging and pleading with me not to leave him. He was sobbing all last night. He seems very very genuinely upset. It's awful. I don't know what to do :(

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Tears can be manipulative. Do not fall for it from him. Its all part of the never ending and continuous cycle of abuse.

You have been on the receiving end of his abuse for far too long; time to cut all ties with him as of now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Read through your posts again. I think you do know what to do.
Of course he's upset. He's going to lose his housemaid and emotional and sometimes, physical punching bag.
Stay strong. Things will change for a short time then it'll be back on the merry-go-round for you.
What are his suggestions to make sure he doesn't continue with his abuse?
Has he signed up for any programmes to help him see what he is doing?
Of course not!!!
You are just expected to tow the line again.
Keep strong and keep going with your plan.
He hasn't experienced loss yet, so you giving in now is a pass for this to just continue as it has done.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Moonshine, this is all a part of the pattern sadly. He will beg and plead and if that doesn't work it's only a matter of time before he gets angry with you.

Remember why you are doing this. He has had opportunities to change, he has chosen not to.

He is sad that you are not willing to put up with him as he is.

Look at his actions and not his words. My XH could promise the earth, but his actions told me his true beliefs.

He didn't have to treat you the way he has. His tears are because he thinks he should be able to treat you like that sometimes, and you should put up with it.

You're doing amazingly. Just remember, he has caused his tears, not you!

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

As hellsbells says, the only way to save this would be him moving out, signing up to a programme, leaving you alone (for probably longer than a year) and coming back once he had sorted his problems and worked on his abusive nature.

Is that what he's offering?

Because if all he's offering is "stay and I promise I'll be different", words are cheap and easy. And he won't change.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

He is on the waiting list for a counselling service but he still thinks its an 'anger problem'

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Not sure if that would get him anywhere as they won't address the issue properly surely?

[hellsbellsmelons]

But does he have anger management issues?
Is he angry and abusive towards other people outside of the home?
His friends, colleagues, family?
Can he control his anger in other situations?
Does he only rage at you and kids?
If it's only his immediately family and within the home then he doesn't have this problem. He is purely an abuser and that takes a lot to resolve.
I think you need to get to your GP and get some therapy/counselling for yourself.
Right now though, if he really wants to save things, actions speak louder than words. Ask him to leave to give you some space. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.
If he's willing to move out and give you space (and actually gives you space) then that is a good sign.
If we won't move out then he's telling you that what you want doesn't matter to him at all. He's going to do things his way and so the abuse cycle continues!

[MoonshineWashingLine]

That is exactly what I'm worried about hellsbells he doesn't have an anger problem as he can control himself at all other times. When I have told him this he said that he gets angry if he annoys me, he doesn't want to annoy me so he gets angry at himself and can't control it. He has also said that 'everybody takes things out on those closest to them' to which I replied 'well I don't' and he said that's because I am an exceptional person!
He says he loves me more than anything in the world and he will do anything to save our relationship. I may well try what you suggested hells I was thinking about trying something along those lines.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

De lurking and hand holding. Only practical advice: I remember you mentioned a shared laptop. make sure you delete your MN history / log out.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Thanks for the advice frequentflyer, i'm getting pretty good at this incognito browsing thing now!! Its definitely needed at the moment. DP is such a nosey git at the best of times.

[MrCabDriver]

I left my partner in October.
He was mainly controlling and emotionally abusive, physical on a few occasions and all in front of our DD.

It took me ages to leave too but I did it.

He always cried and said he would change.... made all the doctors appointment. Got all the referrals . .. Once the dust had settled do you think he bothered going to any? No!

Abusers don't change ....


I feel like the world was lifted off my shoulders when I left him. It hasn't been totally stress free (think restraining order!) but I am so much happier.

You need to switch off the "feeling sorry for him" emotion as that's what's holding you back

[Scarletohello]

Have you heard of the ' cycle of abuse' ? Have a look at this link, it's very common and sounds like what you are going through..,

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

XH had counselling, but somehow forgot to mention his abuse he used the counselling to make himself feel better about the way he was treating me and the dcs. Things got a lot worse after it started :(

If he won't even accept that he had an abuse problem then he's not listening to you. His apologies mean nothing.

Oh and him saying that you're so special? My XH did that too. By putting me on a pedestal he could do what he wanted, because I was "so amazing" taking all his crap.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Yeah I am fairly sure that will happen in his case too chris he still views it as an anger problem but it just isn't. I got through to WA last night and the person I spoke to said they often want to call it anger management problems as it's more socially acceptable but it actually masks the true nature of the problem as well.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Moon, just make sure you're safe. That's the important thing. As has already been said, if it was anger he couldn't control it in front of anyone. When he says that we all blow up at those closest, he is is saying that he can control it, but chooses not to around you, since you don't matter in the same way as everyone else.

Which is not ok. I put up with it for years. He even moved out (had to when I realised the dcs were scared too), I let him back with conditions, he broke them within a week, I let him stay, he did it again, he moved out again, he moved back... It was such a waste of time and effort. The fact that he was capable of stopping meant he never had to treat me like that, but he seemed to honestly believe that by stopping it for a while, that would be enough.

His counsellor said that his issue was anger repression, and that was why he would then blow up. So he then had licence to scream at me and the dcs, and would go to her to say "I felt anger and expressed it today" and she would tell him what a good job he had done.

Obviously that is just his version of what he told me, and I have no doubt that he told her what he wanted to and told me a "version" of her advice.

Be very careful. It takes a strong person not to get worse, and these people are cowards, not strong.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Sooo... a few developments. Dp decided to log in to my Facebook account today while I was at work. He found some messages in there, between me and a male friend, that were mostly about him and the way he has been treating me and dd. Dp finds them, rings me and tells me that 'that's it' and he is packing his stuff. I won't lie and say that I am completely innocent here as this male friend is a bit of a flirt and we have always flirted with each other a lot (it has never amounted to anything, he lives abroad and has a long term gf.) So I fully admit I said some things I shouldn't have said to my friend. But I think it's kind of beside the point given everything that's happened so far.
Dp then changes his mind about leaving when he realises I am actually serious about him going. He has begged and pleaded with me to stay again and keeps telling me how much he loves me. How he never wants us to be apart and he will forgive me for saying those things to my friend.
He has gone to his mums now but only after several phone calls with him saying he wants to talk but me saying i want some space. So he has thankfully given me some space.
Now what?

[Ratbagcatbag]

Leave him at his mums, block him on fb, look at where your next step is, so new rental etc.

[KatieScarlett2833]

So he called your bluff and lost?
Too bad. Keep him out.

[MoonshineWashingLine]

Yeah I thought I might end up having to block him. I don't really want to as fb is the only way we can actually keep in touch a lot of the time (he never has phone credit!) And I am still concerned about him and his wellbeing. He does sound a mess but not sure if he's just making himself a mess so I will take him back.

I haven't told him its over for good yet so maybe I should tell him sooner rather than later. It's hard to keep strong when he's saying such desperate things but I know I need to.

[Loveyouthree]

Does your DP's name begin with an S, OP?