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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think DP needs to go, had enough of the abuse.

102 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 15:57

But how do I go about this? We have a Dd who is 2, we are not very well off and I am scared of how he will react to me asking him to leave.

There is a lot of back story but basically I have been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, on and off, for nearly 2 years. I can't take it anymore. Just as I think things are improving he does it again and we are back to sqaure one. I don't feel like I love him anymore and I sometimes cringe if he tries it on.

I know he needs to go, but how?

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MoonshineWashingLine · 22/02/2014 22:38

WA are still busy it seems. I guess I'll plod along as normal for a couple of days until I get some time to call them again. I am actually meeting a really good friend on Monday night to talk to her about this. She has been there herself and will hopefully be able to help.

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tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 22:43

Read my first response to you. Second reply you had.

that's all you need

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Logg1e · 22/02/2014 22:59

Can you email WA? Safely and privately I mean.

Could you call them from your friend's phone on Monday?

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MoonshineWashingLine · 23/02/2014 08:53

I might be able to call them on Monday, will have to see how it goes. Email is a no no, we share a lap top and he knows all my passwords (I know his too). He came home very late last night when he'd previously told me he would be staying at a friend's house. He said he just wanted to come home... I think he senses something amis. I hope I can be 'normal' today.

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bubblesmonkey · 23/02/2014 08:58

Do you have any family you can stay with for a while until you get housing benefit and another place to live?
Well done for recognising you need to get out.

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MoonshineWashingLine · 23/02/2014 09:21

At a push we could stay at my mum's but it would be a bit of a squeeze. There is a cot but I would be on sofa! I think when I actually get round to telling him, I think he will just go. Or I am hoping that anyway!

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/02/2014 09:47

Can someone explain to the OP how to do in-private browsing please? I'm not quite sure how to do it but think she needs it.

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MoonshineWashingLine · 26/02/2014 10:04

I still haven't asked him to leave. We had a really long, emotional chat on Sunday night which resulted in us both being in floods of tears for hours :( I ended up saying I can't just write it off but something needs to change. Now I don't know what to do. This would be so much easier if ge was a twat all the time but most of the time he is a good partner and father. It is the best relationship I have ever had, yet somehow also the worst.

I don't know what to do now, he still talks like we are going to be together forever and keeps mentioning future plans, eg moving house, almost like he's trying to get me back on board and I feel like I am just plodding along, treading on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst.

He has sought help now though. He is on the waiting list for a counselling service, so I guess that's something.

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BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 26/02/2014 10:30

No.

No no no.

'most of the time he is a good partner and father.'

  • no. The definition of a GOOD partner and father is that they are like that all the time - they genuinely ARE good, they arent' people who are able to 'act' good until the strain becomes too much and their real, nasty natures show. HE ISN'T A GOOD PARTNER AND FATHER. He's an abusive, unpleasant perons who is, like most of them, able to go through the motions of being genuinely nice, pleasant, and supportive. But you know that he's not like that.


  • and he never will be. 'I feel like I am just plodding along, treading on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst' - well yes of course! Because you are! Because you KNOW from experience that that is what will happen!


It WON'T change. That's the absolute point of this - he IS this person, he WON'T change. You are suffesering now. You can - and should - make the decision to end this, because you are setting it up for your daughter to start to suffer as soon as she gets a bit bigger. And as she gets bigger, it will only get more difficult to 'disrupt' her and leave.

Right now she is small. Disruption is something you can do and she will be fine. She will NOT be fine growing up with this situation happening around her, day in, day out - what mood is Daddy going to be in.

Yes he's trying to get you back on board. He wants you around making his life easier. He doesn't want to lose control, he doesn't want to live alone and have to shop and cook for himself. Etc. That's why he's being nice.

He's not nice.
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hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2014 10:33

As the saying goes:
'If you want to stop going round in circles, you need to get off the merry-go-round!'
You thought it had all improved after Christmas. But here you are not even 2 months in and he's turned again.
Abuse, as you know, happens in cycles. He will be nice again now, then he will turn again.
The abuse will escalate and he will eventually hit you.
This is not good for your DC.
He will NOT change. They never ever do.
He made all kinds of promises before about getting help and didn't bother and here you are all over again.
It will continue. You will put up with it again.
Probably another 2 or 3 times and then you will go.
But... you could reduce that now and just get out. Save yourself more heart ache and more time and do it now.
It's inevitable and you know it.
You know what you have to do for you and your DC.
Time to be brave. Take off the rose-tinted specs (which I think are slipping anyway) and get away from this ABUSE!!!

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AnyFuckerHQ · 26/02/2014 10:38

This is the second time I have typed this phrase today in the last 10 minutes ::

"Ah, so he has bought himself some time"

And off you go again on the Abuse Cycle.

You are prizing your relationship with an abuser over the emotional well being of your daughter. Is that the kind of woman you thought you were ? What you hoped for in life ? The example you want to model for your daughter ?

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MoonshineWashingLine · 26/02/2014 12:21

That's just it though Bruno, he cooks when he's not at work, we share household chores equally, he is the most open, loving partner I have ever had. And its not just him with the abuse problem, his whole bloody family are the same. Its what they grew up with :( his mum actually said to me on Sunday 'at least he is trying to change'.

I don't know if he will though and even if he did it would takes months or years of counselling. I feel awful asking him to leave when he is 'trying to change' but I don't think I have much choice :( I need to put Dd first.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/02/2014 13:02

This is sad to read, you make ever bigger allowances, bargaining and hoping, but he really isn't good for you or to you. And this figure fathered your DD but what kind of man is he going to be in her life, is he the sort of 'catch' you want her to bring home in 20 year's time? Of course not.

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MoonshineWashingLine · 26/02/2014 13:32

Am I being really naive to think that if he lived apart from us for a while and got counselling that he might change? I am losing hope. At the end of the day I need to do what's best for dd. It's just so hard to find the strength. He was never like this before dd was born.

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captainmummy · 26/02/2014 14:32

Moonshine - you know that abuse often manifests or escalates when a woman is most vulnerable; ie pregnant. He was never like this before dd? So is it her fault?

No. It is his, it is the way he is. He has not addressed your concerns or taken anger management/counselling; why should he? your boundaries move every time.
He grew up in an abusive family - and he is making sure your dd is growing up in the same.

Kick him out - unless and until he can convince you that he is capable of change, that he wants to change, that he is changed.

That is what will be best in the long run for DD! Find the strength, for her.

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Melonbreath · 26/02/2014 14:48

Trying to change isn't good enough. And the fact his family seem to be supporting his abuse of you is sick.
even if it's only one outburst a year it's one outburst too many

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Bubblegoose · 26/02/2014 16:02

I think he senses you want to leave and is desperately trying to get you to stay. Talk is cheap and it's so easy to say you'll change, or get counselling, or be nicer.

And being a good father and partner 'most of the time' just isn't good enough. We all have our off days but even at my lowest point I would never call the person I'm closest to a cunt, or grope them, or break things and shout in front of my daughter.

What do you think your daughter will remember most clearly from her childhood - the times when daddy was nice? Or the time he broke a piece of furniture because he was so angry?

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43percentburnt · 26/02/2014 17:16

Hi, he got upset and cried this time as he thought it may get you to stay, he may be right. The person he had been since Xmas is not him, its fake him, the real him called you a cunt. He will be nice for a while but its hard to act 24/7.

He will be nice but probably won't make 2 months this time.

Leave while your daughter is young. You will be with her, she will be fine. Many kids move home, parents split etc she will be happier without stress and tension in her home.

If my daughter was in a relationship like this and i didn't have room i would sleep in a tent in the garden if needed to, to ensure she was no longer near such a vile man.

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wyrdyBird · 26/02/2014 19:16

Try not to feel awful about asking him to leave while he's 'trying to change'. To borrow a phrase from SGB, you don't owe anyone a relationship. You aren't the reward for his 'being good' and making an effort.

You're absolutely right to put dd first.

Floods of tears, and talking insistently about future plans and being together forever, are mostly pure manipulation. It's designed to override your wishes, and make you do what he wants. If you give in, or tell yourself he just doesn't understand how serious you are (he does) - you will be back to square one. :(

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sus14 · 26/02/2014 20:11

Op I have been living exactly like this for 5 years. It stays like this and I have now made the mental decision to leave. I decided this 6 weeks ago and 99 per cent of the time I am clear I am right. But you need to get away to see it. Mine is back in the house and its much harder to stick to the course while he's around even though I am still sure. So what I am saying is go to your mums, take dds important stuff, she will see it as an adventure. Stay there. And have time to read on here and read Lundy why does he do that. And you will find you coming back to you. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, lots of people on here know its hard, I read stuff on here every day to keep strong x you can do this

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MoonshineWashingLine · 26/02/2014 21:31

Thank you all for your advice and support, it's really helping me see it for what it is. I haven't got much time to type tonight, DP home soon so will post more tomorrow.

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MoonshineWashingLine · 27/02/2014 22:28

Hello again, I just thought I would update. I have spoken to a few people in RL about this abuse now, my mum and two of my friends. They all seem to be saying not to be hasty in leaving him. Yet everyone on here is saying to get him out asap. I've not left anything out when talking to family and friends about this so why would they say different?

They all seem to be saying TRY. Allow him to try counselling etc. They have seen how happy we have been previously, we used to have a fantastic relationship, it seemed too good to be true, which indeed it was, but i would give anything to have that back.

But the counselling route is going to be such a long process I don't know if I can deal with it. Its on my mind 24/7, I can't look at him in the same way any more. If only I could forget the things he has done, but I really can't. I've tried but sometimes it's like I've got a huge flashing neon sign in my brain that flashes 'ABUSE!' over his head when I look at him. I can't get over it. I can't get past it.

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AnyFuckerHQ · 27/02/2014 22:35

Those people are too close to you to give a fully objective opinion

They are invested, for their own reasons. on keeping the status quo

This is your life. If you cannot see him as anything other than an abuser, then of course you have to cut him loose. Anything else smacks of having on to a relationship for the sake of a relationship with anyone

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AnyFuckerHQ · 27/02/2014 22:36

in keeping the status quo

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Lweji · 27/02/2014 22:47

Yes, they are invested and if they tell you to get rid and then you don't they will be in an awkward position.

It's those great initial times that keep us hooked. We think that's their real self and yearn for it back. But those initial times are masked by love goggles and they do their best to conquer us.

Then reality kicks in and we can't believe they really are like that. We keep hoping for the past.

Get rid before it gets worse.

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