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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

exp wants to bring dd back later than agreed. last 'his'weekend he was an hour llate

80 replies

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:18

On his last weekend he and ow took dd to the beach. Ageed time to be bsck was 7 due to school even tho he asked for 8(pm). I got a text at half 7 supposedly sent much earlier saying they would not be back til 8. Now this weekend agreed time back is 4pm. Just got a text asking ifit xan be later as he and ow have taken dd camping approx 270 miles away amd they would like more time on the beach tomorrow. I want to say no. Am I being a bad kom to say no?

OP posts:

Carolra · 20/07/2013 21:21

Um I think it's totally reasonable to expect your child back at the agreed time. He needs to sort out his planning.... Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt this time but be clear it's the last time...?

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:24

Supposed to go my Mom for tea at 5 aswell. Plus he has tajen ow to 'our' favourite place. We split in April
...nice touch I think

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/07/2013 21:28

That must be really hurtful mollymum

I think it's best to be flexible with times in the holidays (within reason) at least he is asking and letting you know.

I would prob say - we arranged tea at mum for five so please keep that in mind- or something.

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 21:28

I know its really hard (have been there!) But if you think your DD will be having a nice time IME you'd be better of saying yes, but then saying what time you do need her back by in order to give her a chance to wind down and for you to be able to get her happily off to bed. Anything else and your opening yourself up to be cast as the bitter/psycho/jealous ex etc.

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 21:31

If you have plans then that's different, just say 'I'm so sorry we have plans for evening so she does need to be home by 4 this time. But if you give me more notice another time I'm sure we'll be able to arrange something to suit '
I don't think you should specify what your plans are.

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:35

Thats a good reply notanymore. I did let him pick her up earlier on Friday too. Its very hurtful to know they have gone to our dav place. We found it together. Unthinking b***d

OP posts:

racmun · 20/07/2013 21:41

Sounds like you want to say no just to be awkward because he took his gf to your favourite place.

4 is quite early if they're on the beach.

I think you'll just look bitter if you kick up a fuss over this. Think how you'd feel if your dd was left put because you make life so bloody difficult whenever they try and do something.
Explain that going forward he needs to stick to arrangements especially in school term time. Get him to drop her off at your mothers.

Doha · 20/07/2013 21:44

He is getting onto the habit of ignoring the hand back time. He got off with it once, if you let him off with it again he will continue to take the piss.
How would he feel if you pushed back the pick up time by 1 hour every week ??

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:44

But what if he means later than say 5? I didnt make him go so far. If I knew I had to be back for a certain time I would look at going somewhere cliser

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:46

Doha good point. It does feel like he is pushing the limit. I will be interested to see what time he does turn up tomorrow

OP posts:

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 21:53

Why thank you like I said I've been there! I'd also be very polite when he drops her off, like you would with an acquaintance say you hope they all had a lovely time, how was the weather, how lovely for dd! Goodbye! Polite detachment, he can't fault you for it but it'll be incredibly irksome for him! Also, always be pleasant about ow in front of dd.

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 21:55

Say you would like her back an hour earlier (if you can initially) then you can always be accommodating when he asks for the extra hour. But be clear you need proper notice.

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:56

Politness and dignity are my current buzz words. It is a struggle to maintain either at times but am dtermined to show both to dd and never ever bad mouth exp or ow. Am taking the higher road x

OP posts:

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 22:00

The only way I managed it initially, was by not actually looking at him when I had to see him 'face to face', I somehow always had something I had to do at the same time like offering a cup of tea and putting the kettle on to make one for myself either way, folding laundry etc. It really helped and I got better with practice!

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 22:07

Good idea with the hour early plan. I used to do that as a teenager! Yep I avoid eye contact as much as possible makes it much easier

OP posts:

WillYouDoTheFandango · 20/07/2013 22:11

Could you tell him about the tea and suggest he drops DD at your mum's for 5? That way he gets an extra hour but you still make your plans?

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 22:16

Tea at my moms is a fairly regular thing so he would already be aware. Have sent notanymores great reply and am waiting his response....

OP posts:

notanyanymore · 20/07/2013 22:36

I hope its a good response, do update!

Original poster

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 22:40

I will. All quiet so far...

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollymom · 21/07/2013 16:29

Well I had no response to the text but he brought her back at the originally agreed time and I had no accusations of being awkward etc thrown at me. I think your wording worked notanymore.

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 21/07/2013 16:37

BTW I do hope you're not making him cups of tea when he drops DD off - did I misread it? . And also - 270 miles for a weekend? I'd only do that for a close relative's wedding/funeral, not for recreation...

Original poster

Mollymom · 21/07/2013 16:47

No dont make him tea it was more about looking busy to avoid eye contact. I get him gone asap unless we need to take about the house or dd. I thought it was far for a weekend a week yes but 2 nights ?!

OP posts:

LadyMilfordHaven · 21/07/2013 16:57

an hour - is that really the end of the world? He is her father

Viviennemary · 21/07/2013 17:05

An hour late isn't the end of the world unless you were worried something had happened. And 4 pm is far too early in the summer if they want to have a day out. I'm afraid I think YABU.

LadyMilfordHaven · 21/07/2013 17:05

i would be pissed off if someone told me i couldnt have my own kid and be trusted with them.

YOU are divorcing, not him and her. I wouldnt make plans for those evenings, OR enjoy some time alone

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