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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

exp wants to bring dd back later than agreed. last 'his'weekend he was an hour llate

80 replies

Mollymom · 20/07/2013 21:18

On his last weekend he and ow took dd to the beach. Ageed time to be bsck was 7 due to school even tho he asked for 8(pm). I got a text at half 7 supposedly sent much earlier saying they would not be back til 8. Now this weekend agreed time back is 4pm. Just got a text asking ifit xan be later as he and ow have taken dd camping approx 270 miles away amd they would like more time on the beach tomorrow. I want to say no. Am I being a bad kom to say no?

OP posts:

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clam · 21/07/2013 17:10

OK, so if you took your dd out for the day to the beach in glorious weather, would you like to be constrained to packing up early from having a great time in order to comply with an arbitrary time on the clock? He's her parent too, why can he not be allowed a little flexibility as a one-off? Or even a couple of times? It's not often we have such wonderful weather.

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notanyanymore · 21/07/2013 19:08

umm, op and exp had made the arrangement for dd to be back by 4pm today after exp picked her up early on friday to take her away for the weekend. if he wanted more time with her he should have arranged to bring her back later initially, not changed his mind mid-weekend and expect op to automatically accommodate his wishes, op has her own life to live too.
if you read the thread properly you'll see op is being flexible, however 'flexibilty' can't all be one sided can it, exp needs to be flexible too!

well done op, hope you've had a nice evening with dd

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BackforGood · 21/07/2013 19:27

I think you are being spiteful to be honest.
Different when it was a school day (perhaps, although I'd be prepared to argue the case on that one too), but do you honestly think your dd would prefer to come back early from what sounds like a lovely break at the beach in this untypically hot spell we are having, just because you say you are going to your Mum's for tea, when you also say this is a pretty regular occurrence for her ?
Let her enjoy the mini break and beach while she can. Don't let your feelings for your ex ruin your judgement.
As Clam says - how would you think he was behaving if you had to pack up part way through a lovely day, just because he said he wanted her at x o'clock ? Holidays / beach days / weekends away are for not having to look at your watch IMO.

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TheChimpParadox · 21/07/2013 19:49

Let your DD enjoy the time with her Dad - as the relationship goes on with OW he may not (or may feel pressure from OW) to become so involved . Make the most of time on your own and do something nice for yourself.

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ImperialBlether · 21/07/2013 19:55

Personally, unless the OH is an unreliable and disrespectful twat, I don't like time limits on having the children. Obviously 4pm or so isn't a good time to bring a child back if you are out of the area.

If he's not otherwise an idiot, then I would loosen up and perhaps just say to him before each weekend, "What are you planning to do on the Sunday? Is 4 pm still OK?"

Oh and as for him taking her to your place, it just shows how little imagination he has. And of course the OW won't realise you have even been there.

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Mollymom · 21/07/2013 20:39

Wow thats some responses! Where he took dd is fairly irrelevant,hurtful but irrelevant. He agreed to drop off time originally with no problems. If I had agreed to drop dd off at a set time I would arrange things to do exactly that. Dd would be upset to miss her cousins at my Moms too.

OP posts:

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Mollymom · 21/07/2013 20:49

Also nowhere has it been said he was only going to be an hour later. If he had told me his plans in full a later drop of time could have been agreed but he didnt say where he qas goibg other tgan 'camping'. Thanm you notanymore yiu seem to have grasped the issye

OP posts:

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notanyanymore · 21/07/2013 21:40

Other posters seem more upset by it then your exp did
My dd's were the same with wanting to see their cousins too! As it is all about dd maintaining her relationships, absolutely she should be back in time to see them on a Sunday as usual.
Obviously I think the reply you sent was marvellous! Not sure what other people have got their knickers in such a twist about!

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LadyMilfordHaven · 21/07/2013 21:42

Oh so it's an "agree with me" thread.

You should have said.

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GoSuckEggs · 21/07/2013 21:56

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notanyanymore · 21/07/2013 22:02

No, she was asking for advice last night .
Her exp obviously didn't mind and its all sorted. Why lay into her about it now I'm sure you have better things to do.

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Viking1 · 21/07/2013 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 21/07/2013 22:57

I had exactly the same problem with XH initially and it took mediation got him to realise that it was unacceptable to be late to collect or drop off, to realise that I make plans around the times that he has her. I said 7pm return, she was 4yo. He woul bring her back at 7.30. If he was meant to collect at 10am, he would text to say he couldn't get here til 11am.

I told him he had set times and stick to them. I cut him back to 6pm when she started school.

The mediators got him to understand that I had a life and that I made plans around the times that he had DD.

Maybe 4pm is a little early and you could extend it a bit, but you are not unreasonable for wanting him to stick to agreed times.

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allnewtaketwo · 22/07/2013 07:14

I think 4 pm is and is likely to become more of a problem. It's simply a ridiculous time to end a day with her father, particularly in summer when a lot if day trips are likely.

I really think being do rigid with times is bad in the long term. After years and years of it from DH's ex, she still has it in her head that DSSs (17 and 14) have to be back at 6. She goes crazy mad if they're 5 mins late and gives them hell. Now they effectively live their weekends like little time robots and are anxiously looking at the clock when we're out.

Does it really matter that much?

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nkf · 22/07/2013 07:17

I wish my ex would bring the kids back later. He wants to drop them off as soon as he can, so he can get on with whatever he prefers to spending time with his children.

Don't say no. Encourage the relationship and the good times with their dad.

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Mother2many · 24/07/2013 01:22

I wouldn't be too upset either. He is her father, and I am sure she is having a wonderful time. I also agree 4pm is a bad time to expect a return...esp. when a nice day out.

I offer extra time...I did on Father's Day, and he said, No...

Tea time with your mom, can be just as wonderful, with the two of you.

Relax... It could be alot worse!

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belatedmaybe · 24/07/2013 02:05

Wow so ops dd is away from Friday after school until 4pm Sunday I.e. a full weekend and you are all jumping on her for not allowing her enough time with her dad? really?!

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Change2013 · 24/07/2013 02:57

It's the constant chopping and changing of agreed arrangements that is the issue here. My son is collected at 6pm on a Friday and returns at 6pm on Sunday every other weekend. He's frequently collected and returned late with no advance notice. Not nice for him when he's waiting for his dad and not great if I've made plans and in my case there is often no good reason or apology for it.

It's disrespectful - I wouldn't dream of doing that to friends for instance. Op I think you've been given quite a hard time on this thread but those of us in your situation understand the frustration and need for some certainty in arrangements.

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Admiraltea · 24/07/2013 05:01

6pm collection Friday, 6pm drop off Sunday alternate weekends here too!
Took a looong while to get consistency...most random being a day and a bit late when he actually stood outside church one Sunday waiting for us to come out ...service been at same time for over 100 odd years and he lived with me in this parish (and same house) for 8 years so shouldn't have taken a lot of figuring out but he "couldn't find us".

Best thing that ever happened was a dog obsessed, kind step mum. Not sure what she ever did in a previous life to deserve him but he is now able to recognise 6 on a clock regularly.

I think you have been given a really hard time on this thread.. random pick up/drop off changes with very short or zero notice are tremendously crazy making and unsettling. My kids are reassured by a timetable and plan and now contact is regular as clockwork and predictable it is so much less stressful for them.

270 miles each way for a weekend is about what mine were expected to do once a fortnight with school day straight after, another thing that stopped when step mum appeared as too much for dog!!!!!

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ALittleStranger · 24/07/2013 06:18

Surely time with her father is more important than time with cousins?

Don't turn contact into a battle ground, she will pick up on it. I see where posters are coming from with the need for plans, but too much rigidity just underscores that you're not a "normal" family any more. IMO kids need to be able to cut loose with the non-resident parent, whether that's spontaneous fun times or a big argument safe in the knowledge that you still have time to make up. Knowing that you have to bookend the good and bad parts of a relationship into too rigid a slot isn't healthy.

And the fact he took her too "your" beach is wholly irrelevant to the issue. I also agree it will be much healthier if you stop speaking of her as the "OW".

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 24/07/2013 08:16

Is it a real problem if he brings her back late?

I agree that he should bring her back at agreed times, and texts on the day are not suitable if it's going to be more than a few minutes. Talk to Ex about this.

But for this weekend... why not let them have more time together? It's nice that he is interested (my ex can be a bit up and down with this) and wants to spend time with her. Good for her too.

As for what they are doing - ignore. It's got nothing to do with you any more where they go or what they do, and it sounds like it's only serving to wind you up

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 24/07/2013 08:18

Agree with other posters too - set some times and agree them and let them stick. I have similar (4pm Fri to 4pm Sun).

Then you know not to arrange things during those times and he knows that too.

Also - agree with others, that it's his contact weekend, they don't see each other all the time, so in this instance, unless it's a special occassion, it trumps tea with cousins..

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2rebecca · 24/07/2013 08:45

We had 7.30 as the bring back time, with the proviso that they returned fed and when younger bathed, in pyjamas and ready for bed.
We'd have found 4pm too restrictive as we do sports that often require travelling somewhere for the day and many events don't finish until 4. It means Sunday afternoon is ruined. We usually picked up on Fridays as early as possible depending on school and work.

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stepmooster · 24/07/2013 08:57

OP, DSS once asked his mum if he could come home an hour later, about 30 minutes before we usually left. Reason being, DSS, DH and I were in the middle of an epic monopoly game that was going on for hours and DSS was obvioulsy going to win it.

She refused, DSS was gutted. DSS called his dad later that evening, there were no special plans arranged, he needed to be back by 5pm because that was the agreed time.

I think the only person who lost out was DSS.

DH did explain to DSS that he wasn't allowed to bring him home late, and that to ask otherwise would upset his mum. So that is why DSS phoned her up instead.

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springytoto · 24/07/2013 10:07

and that to ask otherwise would upset his mum

that was a wise thing to say then

What's with the piling into the OP on this thread? her husband left her not 3 months ago for another woman - and she apparently should be over that 'by now'? Try years to 'get over it', as is usual with deep betrayal. She has already said that taking the OW to 'their' beach stings but that ultimately it isn't relevant. It sounds to me that he is rubbing it in - a bit of sympathy for the OP would not go amiss.

I had to get a court order for my ex to abide by pick-up/drop-off times. It was the only way, as he rode roughshod over every possible arrangement. yy if they were having a lovely time somewhere and he was respectful about it then of course I was happy to change my plans (note: my plans - I had plans when my kids were and weren't with me).

If a court order is not an option, you might try asking for the opposite of what you want (to flush out whether he is taking the piss or not): if you want him to drop dd of early, ask him to drop her off later 'because you will be at a social event'. Ditto if you want him to drop her off later, ask him to drop her off earlier. See what happens.

sorry he has been such a shit to you OP. She drew the short straw and you'll see that in time xx