Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do they do it? And why do women get involved when they know there are children going to be hurt?

173 replies

InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 21:46

I just don't understand why anyone would do it to the children.

No one is forced to get involved, why not walk away, not answer the text, reply to the email, respond to the flirty look or comment.

My poor girls are finally asleep but still hicuping and so so sad.

I know 100% that the blame lies solely at his door but I just don't get it from the other females point of view, she knew he had us, she must have realised I had married a wanker but why allow herself to get involved, what about the children?

You may be able to tell that I'm raw and hurting this evening and I may well regret posting this but it's all so fucking lonely and such a waste of my life.

OP posts:
Hassled · 09/07/2013 21:52

I'm with you - I just don't understand it either. My first H had an affair - and I could sort of forgive him (things were crap, we were miserable, he was never a bad man) but I just couldn't forgive her. Even now, a million years later and us both happily remarried, I sometimes think about her and ask what the fuck were you thinking?. As in your case, she knew the score - the kids etc.

So I do understand - but you're wrong that it was a waste of your life. Out of the wreckage you've got your girls - he may be a wanker, but without him you wouldn't have them. So - no regrets; just try to move on. It does get easier, I promise.

Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 21:59

I can't imagine anything past right now.

Donyou think she is happy I have thrown him out, I had to lock him out with his clothes outside and our DC locked in our house crying and begging me to let me in.

I can't tell them why mummy won't let daddy in apart from that he has made me really cross and done a very bad thing.

What does that teach our children? Be naughty and mummy will lock you out? I bet he isn't crying over what he has done and I bet she doesn't even realise half of the pain she has caused.

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 09/07/2013 21:59

I dunno if you can blame the ow more than the unfaithful twat you married tbh OP.

I know someone whose 'd'h left for her best friend though. I don't get that at all.

I realise that you are in pain though and its not easy to rationalise when you have been trampled on so badly and I sympathise. There are twats of both genders unfortunately.

Someone better will be along with some wise words I'm sure, but until then I can offer

maleview70 · 09/07/2013 22:00

What surprises me more is why when some women know their partner is 100% to blame they cling on for dear life and some take them back.

I don't get that at all.

You cheat. You pay the price in my book.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2013 22:03

He has done this to you. Sorry. You don't actually know what she did or didn't know about you but even if she did know all about you, he was the one who made you promises. Not her.

debtherat · 09/07/2013 22:05

Asked myself the same question again and again - simply put they don't care enough to deny their feelings - sexual, emotional etc. Will not ever forgive my oh's snappiness with ds and his assertion that "they will get over us separating" this at the same time one of my ds was suffering with an undiagnosed serious medical condition. If he had left and not cared enough about my ds I would have carried out my threat of revenge against him and OW. As it is not sure how bad he feels about this now - its all over he thinks .. but he lacks emotional empathy.. As for her
am still planning a surprise.... Just don't think either of them have felt equivalent emotional consequences... And this keeps me angry.

tribpot · 09/07/2013 22:08

I know people who've had affairs with married men - including one who didn't know he had a partner until it was too late (she was pregnant). The common themes seem to be: compartmentalising, so the behaviour doesn't seem to be part of real life, and a belief that if no-one finds out, no-one's been hurt. Therefore it's okay. Oh and in one case - as she was single, it was him who was cheating and not her.

She may have known he had kids - but he was the one who actually had these kids. He was the one who chose to hurt them in the most cowardly way possible and then walk away. And frankly the solution to people cheating isn't to blame the people they cheat with. If it hadn't have been her it would have been someone else. He chose to cheat.

Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:08

No I know it is all him and I suppose I am just so very sad. Because I can't forgive him, the DC are begging me to let him home, pulling all the hard cards because it was me that locked their daddy out and won't let him come home.

She knows, she has met us all, I caught them out in their emotional affair, building secrets together and letting each other into their private thoughts and feelings.

That kills me.

I can't ever forgive him.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:11

Thing my best friend is the only person keeping me functioning at the minute, your poor friend and what a shit choice in husband and friends - that would kill me off!

Godit's all so lonely and painful.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2013 22:19

The children just want the status quo. Tbh they really don't know what is best for themselves.

So sorry you have been so hurt. But lay it at the door it belongs - his.

WhatWouldBeyonceDo · 09/07/2013 22:22

Honestly OP I think some people just care more about themselves than anyone else. They're different, and precious and it's not like any of those other affairs that other lesser people have.

As a single woman, if I meet a man and find out he's taken (either married or girlfriend) instantly he becomes as sexless as a bag of potatoes. My morals wouldn't even entertain the idea. And if he came on to me if run a mile while telling him what a scum bag I thought he was

I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty, and of course people lie and sometimes you don't know they are taken.....but a woman who does know, I don't understand what goes through their minds. Yes your DH made promises to you, but what about the sisterhood? It makes me sad, that even though you've stated that she had met you and knew about you and the children, people have said well yes but she didnt make promises to you. BUT she is still wrong to do it. She is morally wrong.

Yes your DH cheated and is the bigger scum bag of the pair, but she is still a scum bag.

I have never experienced anything like this firsthand, but from watching people close to me go through it, it's devastating. Why someone would knowingly do it to someone else ill never understand.

Mixxy · 09/07/2013 22:31

Your husband doesn't care about his own children's pain. He is using their anguish to force you to forgive and forget.

I don't know why OW do it. Makes them feel super alluring to know that they can make a man break his vows (just for me!) would be my guess.

My DHs first wife had an affair and left him for his childhood best friend (no kids involved, thank god). There are OM out there too. But then he met me and we have a nice little family. There is light the other side.

Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:32

Morals.

That's it.

Selfish, self centred, entitled individuals who think of nothing but them selves and nothing less than the emotions of children.

My children think this is my fault because I won't let him in, they have mobiles and I haven't stopped them once from communicating with him (I've read the messages and those poor children, how he hasn't died inside receiving those messages I don't know)

He arrived this evening with a self entitled air about him.

Whilst she is at home with her boyfriend maybe, probably, most likely continuing with their lovely email messages all day at work and now all night long...

Torture.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:34

Hello Mixxy Blush I needed more than the other place tonight, I'm so sad, angry and fucking boiling.

I can't believe I have gone from such a high to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:36

aww Mixxy I didn't read your reply properly through tears, that it so lovely.

I will never trust anyone else ever again, on the shelf at 36.

OP posts:
moonfacebaby · 09/07/2013 22:39

I think it's a case of two very selfish people, who just do what they want to do, with very little thought to the devastation they leave behind. It's compartmentalising.

My exH had an affair & the OW was also cheating on her boyfriend. She didn't care that he had a 4 month old baby & a 6 year old. He was a selfish, entitled arse who thought he could get away with it - his classic line was "I didn't see it as an affair, I saw it as an extension of my other life at work". I reck

onedev · 09/07/2013 22:40

I agree with you, yes it was him but she's scum too who obviously couldn't care less about anyone other than herself. I have no idea why some women do it. No morals is all I can think.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but everything will be ok - it's just hard to see it right now, but you will be, as will your children. You're stronger than you realise.

moonfacebaby · 09/07/2013 22:41

Oops!

I reckon he should have that classic line on his gravestone...

I'm sorry you are going through this Op - it's awful. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - I got there. Take care x

ThingummyBob · 09/07/2013 22:43

Do you know what though Red my friend is a year down the line now and truly better off without him.

He even tried to come creeping back at one point and when my friend told him to get lost her ex-friend took him back. Points to the fact that they are actually as bad as each other - and deserve the misery and shit that no doubt remain a part of their lives.

I said that at least the friend will have to live with the fact that he will no doubt think with his cock again in the future.

We do a lot a furtive glancing of behalf of my friend when he and ex-friend are around (dcs sport) My friend however remains serene, and laughs A LOT. She still lives in ex marital home whilst he lives just along the same street with the ex-friend. I admire her for the way she has carried on and kept things together for her dcs.

I expect they feel very uncomfortable a lot of the time.

Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 22:51

I don't see what I have done wrong

I haven't had sex with her

It doesn't mean anything

I can see it

I don't care, you have left our marriage emotionally it is as bad to me as doing the above

like our vows then?

I. Holding back on approaching her (work colleague) because I can't compose anything more than my snide ugly face and the urge to rip her head off so I'm staying away and aiming everything at him.

I can't imagine anything beyond this horrible pain that will always be there, I loved him.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 09/07/2013 23:03

"It doesn't mean anything". God really, are there any cliches he hasn't spouted yet?

What was it in the text...something like, "how did it go when you got home"? -" fine. Just me and my thoughts".

What was the meaning of that?

ChippingInGoAndyGo · 09/07/2013 23:04

When did you find out :(

I especially don't understand how someone who has met the kids can do it - they're no longer just an abstract concept, they are actual little people who you will hurt - people are just so self centred and deluded :(

How old are your lovely little girls?

Skillbo · 09/07/2013 23:08

I just don't get it either,.redcorner... it is all H's fault of course but the OW in my case has a son of her own, so why she couldn't keep her hands off is beyond me - although H has stepped into full on step-father mode so maybe that was a small motivating factor as I know her XDP isn't on the scene?

I try not to think about it too much as I am sure she was fed a bag of shite by H but it still pisses me off that she not only decided she wanted a married man but didn't think twice about his DC!

Original poster
InTheRedCorner · 09/07/2013 23:13

It's all so fucking nasty and I've just noticed that all the emails I sent myself from his phone have been deleted!

Deleted from email,but not from my memory.

The text above said:

Her: great day yesterday ( in regards to a work thing)

Him: you're not wrong ( I taught him the difference between your and you're for a professional reason)

Her: everything ok when you got home last night?

Him: yep apart from my feelings

I have such an urge to text her, to let her know I know and what it has done, I will see her face to face next week at an invite your family event, give me fucking strength.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 09/07/2013 23:14

I know I should be laughing but "I'm sure she was fed a bag of shite by H" made me burst out laughing at the laundromat.