Why do they do it? And why do women get involved when they know there are children going to be hurt?

[InTheRedCorner]

I just don't understand why anyone would do it to the children.

No one is forced to get involved, why not walk away, not answer the text, reply to the email, respond to the flirty look or comment.

My poor girls are finally asleep but still hicuping and so so sad.

I know 100% that the blame lies solely at his door but I just don't get it from the other females point of view, she knew he had us, she must have realised I had married a wanker but why allow herself to get involved, what about the children?

You may be able to tell that I'm raw and hurting this evening and I may well regret posting this but it's all so fucking lonely and such a waste of my life.

Sorry Inthe, didn't mean to whinge so much on your thread. Good luck - you are SO courageous x

Not at all saw in a cruel way to is therapeutic to read prospective s from someone who has come so far.

I don't know whether I can ever forgive, or if I want to but it is still a possibility I suppose so all views help and I appreciate you taking the time to share, it must be very difficult for you.

Are you beginning to trust him again, how do you do it, do you still feel the urge to checkup on him?

Oh and I like to be called Red suits my mood

in, you poor wee pet xxx (hugs) xx
If its any consolation. i've been there, got the t-shirt xx
I'm not going to be blase but pet it will get better, not today, not tomorrow, but one day you'll wake up and your first thought won't be "him", it'll be different, as you get stronger xxx
In answer to your question, i think a massive lack of insecurity and morals plus a great need to be loved in a needy way, is why. But fuck her, she;s not important, you are pet.
As for him, please don't blame yourself in any of this, he chose to do this, its nothing yo did or didn't do, or should or shouldn't have done.
Right now, you need to be kind to yourself, and nore importantly, don't let your thoughts headfuck you xx

Time, time, time.

I'm 5 days/nights in and it feels surreal.

So much to busy myself with, I strangely don't miss him in the evenings?

I'm so glad he isn't here right now.

Guilty pleasure of mine is BB, Dexter is putting it across in the raw viewing that it is and Hazel appears to be unaware even though she knows that Daley is in a relationship.

Yes he is responsible but I hope she watches it back and thinks.

"Haven't kissed cuddled so that is ok?"

Although Dexter has said Daley doesn't deserve Hazel's approaches Daley needs to grow the fuck up and own up to his behaviour.

Red, difficult one. He has been genuinely and relentlessly remorseful. He is mortified by his behaviour and I admit that I spent the first 12 months after 'discovery' raging at him, when I wasn't weeping. The OW engineering to get me arrested didn't help since I ended up in a police station totally humiliated because he had been involved with this vengeful bitch. Fortunately the police quickly realised that her allegations of assault were a total fabrication but as someone who wouldn't even dream of dropping litter, it was a horrific and completely surreal experience. But we now have more days than bad and I am slowly, slowly finding a different perspective. I know it is often easily said, but sometimes a better marriage can emerge from the ashes of these life-changing events. I realise how much he means to me rather than take his love for granted in the way I probably did before. He thinks I am amazing for enduring all that I have because of her actions since the affair ended and is horrified that he ever thought that such a person could be a SM to his DCs. He is genuinely ashamed. And with my new strength and a little distance from the horror that followed discovery, I know now that he wants to be with me as much as I want to live the rest of my life with him. Are we the same people? No. Am I still afraid? Yes but less often. I also work in a profession that supports terminally ill people so I know how fragile life is, how very short it can be and how grateful I am that he and I have both been given a second chance when most of my lovely clients don't have that option. If you want him back, Red, don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong in that desire. It may not work out but I'm glad, so very glad, that I ignored the advice of most of my friends to 'kick the bastard out'. It was so hard to continue to be humiliated by him and her until it hit him what a fool he had been and began to turn back into the man I had once known rather than a vicious, entitled, petulant man who was unrecognisable to me and our DCs. At times I could have killed him and I regret begging him to give her up since I must have looked so pathetic, but that was then and this is now. Thinking of you, Red - you'll be in my thoughts tonight. X

Sawthank you again. For taking the time to post, I know I will read your replies often from now to when needed.

Braver to stay or go?

I don't know.

Nights are so hard when alone, I should be in bed but i know sleep won't come, just holding it together ready for the weekend.

I have a thread on the other side, low traffic but amazing support, I've explained more about the weekend coming there and my conversations with DC .

I would like a whole weekend by ourselves without him at all, it will, be a week since discovery at 2.30am this saturday morning, I'm not being mean for wanting this time without his presence am I?

The OW didn't take vows with you. Doesn't know you or your children. Has no loyalty or love for you. She might not even think much about you at all. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but for the OW its not about you at all.

I'm not saying its right - clearly there is nothing right about what you are going through. But as far as the OW will be concerned its not about you at all.

You H - well another story entirely. He is the one who lied, cheated, made rubbish of his vows, neglected the needs of his children and spun a web of deceit through your lives. He is the one who married you, who knew you, and who did this to YOU anyway.

You unfortunately married a selfish thoughtless individual.

I know, read my posts.

Im so sorry for your pain. My first dh had an affair with a work colleague when my 2nd dd was a tiny baby. She was 16, he was 28. She wormed her way into our home by offering to babysit. She became a family friend over time, I had no idea she had a sordid motive by wanting to be around so much. Then I found out........I missed her as a friend and as she was so young I forgave her (not him, as he was older and I felt took advantage of her). A year or two down the line she had a new job and began an affair with another older married man with kids!!!! When she told me I can't repeat what I said. I left her crying in the street and never spoke to her again. Many years have passed since then and I hear she has never had children of her own. One thing I did know, she loved kids and would have loved some. So maybe she got her come-uppance? Hang in there OP. Be strong and in time it will get better. xx

Red, so sorry you're going through this

My world was turned upside down last year. I've walked this path too and it's bloody devastating.

I'm still with dp, it's been a slow process but we are building our relationship again. He is bitterly sorry for everything he has done, I can't actually believe he was the same person.

For a time in our relationship he became a selfish twunt!

Give yourself time it's so very early since discovery. You will be emotional. You won't know how you really feel about everything until the dust settles.

You need to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with close friends who will be a shoulder.

Take care and I promise you this you WILL be a stronger person in time.

OffredWed 10-Jul-13 11:41:20

It's not a "we can't help our feelings" thing it is a 'OW/M are not responsible for another person's commitments' thing.

Not everyone feels the same way about marriage or fidelity. Not every situation is the same. Although I think all affairs are wrong, for example, the nastiness of the cheater can hugely vary i.e. the difference between darkesteyes' cheating in a sexless marriage and the horrible man who recently left his wife pregnant with their fourth child saying he'd cheated all along because he never loved her.

The ow/om are fairly materially irrelevant to the situation, the decision to cheat is being made by the one with the commitment. The ow/om is making a decision to be with that person not to devastate a wife/children.

Thankyou Offred. Ive never thought of myself as a nasty person and a recent thread on here has made me realise that DH has a mild form of the Madonna/whore complex. When he found out about my affair he did call me a bitch under his breath and my mum called me a whore. Even though he hadnt touched me for 7 years at that point and had refused counselling. I didnt plan the affair and my OM was single with no kids. I have no DC either. You cant win as a woman Society either labels you as a slut or frigid. Ive never seen a man who doesnt want sex get labelled as frigid but ive seen women called it. I think there is a Madonna/whore complex in society tbh.

Sorry if i havent explained that well. I havent read the thread youve mentioned Offred. That sounds horrific.

Wow saw you have been through the ringer, huh? You
sound incredibly strong. Maybe I am an unforgiving person. I'll have to dwell on that tonight.

I was saying you aren't nasty darkesteyes. I think affairs are always wrong or at the very least not right but I think vast vast difference between your situation and the woman I mentioned. It isn't a madonna/whore thing for me, it is about the commitment to communicate so that people are able to make honest choices. I think you had an affair to cope with staying in a shit marriage which is understandable but still I think not right (for you mainly).

Thanks Offred

Thanks Mixxy - actually I don't think I was strong and certainly I was pathetic a lot of the time. I lost count of the times I went down on my knees in front of him, totally demolished emotionally and physically by it all. Losing 3 stone in five weeks was also pretty spectacular. Watching him dress himself to go out to the pub with her, leaving me and our DC alone on a beautiful Sunday afternoon while he swanned off with his 'great love' was about the nadir. I still can't understand why I didn't drive to the pub myself and confront them both. Perhaps a little part of me knew that if I did - and I have a hell of a temper once I finally lose it - I would have physically attacked them both irrespective of how many people were in the pub.I would have happily gouged out her eyes. God that sounds awful as I abhor violence, but such was my devastation and rage and such was her regular taunting of me via text, email and turning up seemingly everywhere I went. I also think I KNEW that she WANTED me to hit her because she knew I would lose my job and it would also reinforce to him what an 'awful' person I was, attacking his poor darling, giving her the 'moral' high ground (errr...). Instead I comforted her H on the phone as he sobbed about his W's terrible behaviour and his fears for their future. I also had to keep our DC calm and lied to them that Daddy had had to go into work. They lived in terror of him leaving since he had repeatedly told me in front of them that he didn't want to 'waste' the rest of his life with me when he could be with her. In hindsight I sometimes fantasise that I had been braver at that point and told him to get lost when he returned home, smelling of her perfume, but I KNEW that if I threw him out, he would go to her - just what she wanted. She had already started visiting flats for their 'new life' together and I wasn't prepared to give her what she wanted on a plate. He had to be the one to go. And as I said on another response, he never actually LEFT. Oh yes, he would storm out and so would I. But he always came back - and all he had to do if he really wanted to go was drive to our local town 2 miles away and pick her up. She never gave up waiting for him and told him she spent hours at the window, hoping his car would pull up in front of the house and take her away to their sunset together. I think my decision to hang on, despite all his verbal abuse and posturing has been vindicated subsequently. I know that is no more than the luck of the drawer though. When the chips were really down and she was lying their metaphorically on a plate with her legs wide open, he didn't want to take up the option. Sadly too many Mumsnetters are faced with a far worse scenario of their beloved DH's leaving with seemingly no qualms.

Wow, just wow, Saw. I couldn't. I just couldn't. Frankly, I'm not that opposed to violence. And I would have been the idiot who went to the pub that day and would have cheerfully smacked a bottle off the bar and into her throat, only to remove it and stuck him too.

But you see the long game. I am all rage and thunder. But to what useful end?

I hope you keep posting, on this and other threads. You really have an insight and a result.

I'm in awe of you.

Wow Saw you sound like an amazingly strong women.

I can't imagine ever being able to forgive even though a part of me still loves him and wants to erase all of this.

I'm drained at how consuming it all is and how painful.

Oh Red, so sorry for you. It's a horrible, horrible situation to be in, and I completely agree re the OW.

It was worse in my case because he shagged her in the cheapest possible circumstances over a long period of time. And she wasn't just trampling all over my DC's happiness, but also that of her own DC. As a wife and mother, I just cannot compute that. Shagging or not, same basis of broken trust etc.

XH says that he (spectacularly naive, stupid, selfish-absorbed) never imagined we'd find out. He pushed the potential consequences to the back of his mind and smiled when he came home, pretended to be a good Dad. Twat. I suppose she did the same.

The whole thing still makes me feel physically sick 3 years on, I find it so cheap and revolting. We're all still paying the price of his lies and I still cry when I think back to what I thought were good times but which turned out to be lies too.

But I'm coping. It's hard work, but I'm doing ok. It took me 2 years to make a final decision about us, but I don't regret ending what had become such a massive drain on my self-esteem and strength. I don't know what the future holds for me, him or our DC, but at the moment I am better off emotionally without him hanging around making me feel worthless.

Just believe that you'll be ok in the end, if you don't compromise yourself or your values.

I'm so sorry hms

Apparently she wants to talk to me, to reassure me they meant no harm with their flirty emails, it was all innocent.

You keep telling yourself that, whatever makes you feel better and able to sleep at night you stupid, naive women, I wonder if her partner would agree with her or me?

I'm amazed she has the balls! red

Why doesn't she have her partner call her. Make things a bit more equal?

The cunt.

And it just proves he contacted her about it! Och! I just don't know.

Yep, called her the day after I forced him to leave. Apparently told her I had read their emails and I wasn't happy at all - forgot to ask if he had told her I'd made him leave, hate the thought of her telling anyone at work. I'm proud that I've managed a week there without anyone asking if I'm ok or me losing it.

I'm not wearing my wedding rings mind, that might start the rumours but I have a few people at work that I KNOW would call me out if they thought something was wrong...