Why do they do it? And why do women get involved when they know there are children going to be hurt?

[InTheRedCorner]

I just don't understand why anyone would do it to the children.

No one is forced to get involved, why not walk away, not answer the text, reply to the email, respond to the flirty look or comment.

My poor girls are finally asleep but still hicuping and so so sad.

I know 100% that the blame lies solely at his door but I just don't get it from the other females point of view, she knew he had us, she must have realised I had married a wanker but why allow herself to get involved, what about the children?

You may be able to tell that I'm raw and hurting this evening and I may well regret posting this but it's all so fucking lonely and such a waste of my life.

The ow/om is making a decision to be with that person not to devastate a wife/children.
But you can't make a decision without accepting responsibility for its consequences.
That is a cop out.

You cannot make people responsible for unlimited consequences of their choices either.

In the earlier stages its easier to blame ow cause you are so hurt but as time goes on you will realise he's the one at fault as he broke the vows and the trust. Don't know how either of them can live with what they've done wrecking families. Mind yourself and your children.

Its pretty certain though that if you have an affair with a married man his wife and kids are going to be devastated.

Part of being a decent human being is not deliberately setting out to hurt someone else for your own gain.

I think you were wrong to lock him out when your DDs were crying for him. I know you don't want to hear that and you want him to be the baddy and shoulder the blame and be the one to have hurt your kids.

But you should have had the conversation away from your DCs and not use their pain to point score over your DH. I'm sure that was not your intention but that was how it came across in your post.

I think marriages can recover from affairs emotional or otherwise. Up to you whether you think yours can. But you owe it your kids, both of you, not to drag them into your rows and dramatics of kicking the wronged partner out, bin bags of clothes on the front lawn etc.

And the OW owes your nothing. The sisterhood does not exist.

"Its pretty certain though that if you have an affair with a married man his wife and kids are going to be devastated"

That assumes all affairs come to light. They really don't. Affairs can go on for decades quite happily and no-one ever discovers. Like a lot of other things, it's a gamble, not a certainty.

"Some people don't have a strong moral code, or are selfish or unpleasant."

That pretty much sums it up really.

I don't think the ow is totally to blame obviously the bulk of the blame lies with the cheating partner but if I hurt even someone I didn't know that badly I would struggle to live with the guilt. I guess people with a slacker moral code or someone who is emotionally damaged just doesn't have that moral compass to gauge what is right and what is wrong.

I did recently when Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey separated because he was seeing someone else and she said "he is not the man I married" Hmmmm the one who cheated on your friend with you - I don't know but this sounds like exactly the man you married.

When I was single I was approached dozens of times by married men - I didn't think "ooh how wonderful I must be, he wants to be with me rather than his wife" I thought "you creepy fcuker, I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole"*

It will get better, just take one day at a time - it will take a while and that is fine, let it take as long as you need.

Of course Cogito that is assuming they get caught.
But for a lot of people that is part of the thrill isn't it.
The sisterhood does exist for some (me!). Having experienced the pain of being cheated on, I could not do that to another person, however strong my feelings were. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Cogito - Its amazing how some people delude themselves affairs are not known just because its not discussed doesn't meant people are not perfectly aware they are going on.

I've known a few people who thought they lived in some kind of romantic affair bubble when other people were actually discussing it, and judging them, behind their backs.

It's not necessarily delusional. There are many cases of people successfully enjoying discreet, private affairs that aren't being discussed or judged, at the same time as having very happy marriages. The parties involved often live at a distance and aren't connected with each other socially or through work. Goes on all the time.

I can see why on the other side of the pain of being cheated on you might go either way; 'I could never do it to someone' or 'It was done to me' but then there are also people who just don't realise because it hasn't happened to them or who absolve themselves of needing to think about it and people who have thought about it and don't consider it important. It's simply too remote a responsibility to put on the OW/M for me. It involves the assumption as cog says that they must have realised about the wife and kids and decided to shit on them anyway and I think things are rarely that simple.

As a dad whose wife walked out on 5 children for an OM. Its easy to blame the partner but they both made and informed conscious decision to do what they both did. Why a person does these things is in my opinion more a reflection of their character.
Yes like the typical spouse she lied and portrayed an image straight out of a shakespearian tragedy and even though he knew the reality decided to continue knowing the impact that it would have on the children.
In affairs both parasites parties often display a blinkered selfishness ignoring any and all consequences placing any and often all blame on the unfortunate spouse who is being proverbally shafted.
6 months on the two are still together and their dream has all but collasped and she has lost all her children ... They have cut her out of their lives with the exception of a 2 year old who she now wants for the potential financial assistance he can give her and her new partner.
Inthecorner it is raw and painful and yes we do feel bloody lonely and low at times but without that fuckwit and in my case bitch then we wouldn't have the lovely children we have.
There is no point constantly thinking about the why's and what ifs all we do is punish ourselves and during this hurtful time further lower our self worth. I am 41 and at times feel I will be forever alone and that my 18 year relationship/marriage was all a lie but what keeps me going are my boys who incidentally are improving greatly and as much as it pains me to say as dad they are flourishing without contact.
Concentrate on what's best for you and your lovely children don't punish yourself you are worth far more

"Having experienced the pain of being cheated on, I could not do that to another person"

Another motivation, of course, is that if someone has made big sacrifices to be faithful in a relationship, and then been left high and dry by a cheat running off with an OW, they may actually feel that the 'sisterhood' obligation is even less relevant. Been there myself.

Offred is quite right. These things are rarely, if ever, 'simple'

they may actually feel that the 'sisterhood' obligation is even less relevant. Been there myself.

But why? The woman you're hurting isn't the same one who hurt you, is she? How strange.

I think it's improbable to have discreet affairs without there being some hurt either.

If anything's 'simplistic' it is that belief.

I do think the ones having the affair delude themselves that men, women and children only start hurting once they know the cheating has happened.

If you aren't living in those people's houses, you've got no clue how 'happy' or blissfully unaware those inhabitants are.

None at all.

That's exactly the point Francesca. The issues are too remote for the OW/M or not a commitment they have chosen/would choose/think is important.

That suggests a lack of empathy for fellow human beings though. It's probably a reasonable assumption of yours in terms of some people's mindsets, but having a lack of empathy for a stranger isn't a positive character trait is it?

We're not talking about empathy. We're talking about responsibility. We're also not talking about whether people who sleep with other people's partners are 'good' people or whether that is 'good' behaviour just about whether they should be expected to take responsibility for the hurt a wife/children might feel on discovery of an affair.

Because the heart wants what the heart wants.....

OK, stop puking

If H had hurt you with a knife I could totally understand saying it was 100% his fault. He didn't hurt you with a knife, he hurt you with a person, an adult (presumably) intelligent human being with a knowledge of right and wrong and hopefully a little empathy. We all know that the one who broke his vows and promises was in the wrong but the other party doesn't escape all blame.

So sorry OP Stay strong x

Actually, when my child's father left me for another woman, (and I have been on both sides of that coin) I didn't blame her at all.

How could ? That would be like saying he belonged to me. And he didn't, and if he wasn't happy with me then what the fuck right did I have to keep him there?

The whole point was, he had CHOSEN to be with her, he was still faffing around with me and had lied about where he was living. I found out via a third party.

I was devastated but I didn't for one moment think, 'that horrible cow has stolen someone else's man'. I thought, Oh, she probably fancied him and he realised he preferred her to me.

I was very angry that he had lied, and yes that he had left (which wasn't fair of me) and I was envious of her, but it was never her fault. She didn't owe me anything, he was the only one who had any right to choose whom he had a relationship with.

But then it didn't go on for ages. And he left me for her in the end and that was up to him. She didn't do anything wrong, not at all.

But then when he came back to me, during their marriage, and wanted to sleep with me I didn't turn him down either, or feel any guilt about that. Bit of a headfuck but there you go...it kind of established in my mind that he was the root of the issue, his behaviour, no one else's.

IME of friends etc, and men who have had affairs, the men spin a line or two about the marriage being dead, they want to stay in it for the sake of the children until they reach a certain age OR they want to leave but don't want the financial upheaval that goes with it. And often the 'bit on the side' makes the marriage more bearable, ironically.

I know there may be women around who, because of their own hang ups, prefer a man who is already committed and actually unavailable, but I have known both women and men who were OW/OM and they were all hanging on in waiting for the other person to leave the marriage. Often it was a case of 'after their GCSEs' or 'after their A levels', or 'once they have got their degree'.

I don't know anyone who was in it just for sex. It was the HOPE of a long term relationship that kept them there- if they waited long enough. And I've known couples who had affairs for 20 years , undiscovered, and each left their marriages once the kids were older.

When I had what I now realise was a form of EA many years ago, the thought of his gf was just an irrelevance, a distraction. I didn't feel guilty because as far as I could see we were just being friends - such a big fat LIE. When he wanted to make it more serious it was the thought of my H that stopped me and had me running for the hills and a new job. I think that was when the guilt would have started towards her - up till that point I could tell myself it was nothing. Was I responsible for my part in it? Yes. 100%. My choice, all the way.

We're not talking about empathy. We're talking about responsibility.

Well yes we are talking about empathy.

And no 'we' (whoever we is) are not talking about responsibility.

The OP certainly isn't. She says she blames her partner 100%.

If you and others want to talk about responsibility for some reason, go right ahead but let's not pretend that's the issue raised by the OP.

I've met a whole bunch of men and women over the years who had affairs that they saw as short-term interludes. I've also known people who viewed them as the real deal and a possible long term alternative to the relationship they were in, even if some did change their minds later when the buzz wore off and they'd been dumped by their cheated-on partners. I've also known people who've been happy having left for an affair.

I find it odd when posters say they've only come across one type of affair i.e. ones where the people were in them for love and had high hopes of a permanent relationship. I guess some people have either had a narrowness of life experiences or they've got some undisclosed reason for claiming that.

may have been mentioned (sorry if it has) but don't underestimate the lies these men tell. Starting with the classic "she doesn't understand me" - classic for a reason. We don't sleep together any more, she is abusive, I only stay for the children, she only stays for the children. Yes, you do have to be naive to believe them, but naive people, or those who have not ever been touched by this sort of deception before will fall for it. It can be relentless, and the men that spout these lies can be charming and persuasive, and are often older and more experienced than those they pursue.

However, a woman getting involved with a man that is not clearly 'free' can usually be considered seriously lacking in sense. Moral or otherwise.

I think you can empathise and still not think you need to change your behaviour, and do so without being a sociopath or devoid of a moral compass.

I think it's possible to understand that something (eg an affair) could be painful for someone and not feel that your behaviour is the direct cause of it (eg because the person cheating is the one at fault). I don't think this is like murder where you can be guilty as an accessory simply by being present.

I also think love is not logical, and not all affairs are sordid manipulative things born of baser than dirt morals and shagging.