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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I within my rights to be furious?

108 replies

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 01:50

DH has gone out with friends tonight. I've not heard from him which is unusual as he would usually text to see how I am. I did text him about 10pm but got no response.

I text him again about 20 minutes after the last train got in and he still wasn't home. He knows that I can't sleep until he gets home after a night out for various reasons. I have literally just had a text to say he is staying over at a friends house.

I am fucking furious. Am I being unreasonable? I personally don't think this is on for a married man anyway but I am 6 months pregnant and have been under an incredible amount of stress this past 2 weeks due to family issues. I am now feeling too stressed and annoyed to sleep after already having been really ill this evening.

Oh he has just text again to say he has had a really bad week as though that makes it ok!

OP posts:
RiaOverTheRainbow · 20/04/2013 02:04

I think furious is a bit OTT, but yanbu to be annoyed at the lack of communication. I can only guess you're both stressed and dealing with it in different ways.

Try distracting yourself with a film or something until you've wound down enough to sleep, and tomorrow maybe talk about how he can support you (and you him).

Doinmummy · 20/04/2013 02:06

What is his reason for not coming home? Was it easier for him to stay at the friends rather than get the train home. I'd be furious too.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 02:14

I haven't had a reason. I don't think staying out all night is acceptable and he bloody well knows this. I've no idea why he thinks he has had a bad week. He has only worked 3 days and he is certainly not stressed about my family situation.

I know that he will roll home when he feels like it tomorrow and then spend all day on the sofa with a hangover. Meaning all of the jobs he has to get done will be left til Sunday resulting in none of our plans to spend time together will happen.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 20/04/2013 02:18

How has his behaviour been in general recently? Has he been normal? Not on his phone more often? I'm sure you know where. I'm going with this. I'm sorry you're so upset. I would be too.

ratbagcatbag · 20/04/2013 02:21

Is it normal behaviour that he would go out and then stay at a mates, I just asked because if its something he's never done thn t would be very odd and I would be furious in your position too, however if he's got form for being inconsiderate doing this then at least it shouldn't be ringing alarm bells.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 02:22

No this is not an affair. This is him being a twat and thinking that because his single mate can stay out a night drinking and taking drugs that he can too. I don't know that DH is taking drugs but its possible.

OP posts:
essexmumma · 20/04/2013 02:24

Oh Autumn I can understand why you are cross but try and stay calm as you are pregnant.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband being out all night without prior warning either. My DH did something similar whilst I was pregnant although did spend the night trying to get home in fairness. I found the best way to be is indifferent - if you shout and get angry it won't be good for you and the baby.

Get some rest and it will seem a little better in the morning.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 02:25

He has form for drinking too much and not coming back when he says. But this has got better since we moved out of central London and more so since I've been pregnant.
He did stay over at this friends once before a couple of years ago. On that occasion he didn't bother letting me know and I only found out where he was at 8am the next day when I text his friends. He didn't bother coming home until 3pm.

OP posts:
essexmumma · 20/04/2013 02:26

Just seen your latest post - well if drugs are involved I would be bloody glad he didn't come near me in any kind of state. He needs to grow up and fast!!

YANBU

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 02:29

The thing is that he knows I wouldn't be ok with him staying out.
He also knows that I've been stressed to the max by having to support my mum through her husbands affair and marriage breakdown. So the fact that he has chosen tonight to do this and cause me even more stress is just fucking unbelievable.

OP posts:
Ouchmyhead · 20/04/2013 02:30

Maybe he just missed the last train home and it's cheaper to stay at his friends? I don't think it's such a big deal, annoying that he didn't tell you sooner and has been a bit lax with communicating, but not the end of the world! He's a grown man, he should be able to have nights out and stay out if he wants! If understand if you were due to give birth any day, but you're not. Maybe just ask him to be a bit more considerate in the future and let you know what's going on a bit sooner.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 02:31

I don't know for sure but this particular friend is still single, goes out all the time and is known for taking a lot of drugs. So what else am I supposed to think?

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 20/04/2013 02:32

I'd be a tiny bit reassured that he has done this before and there's no other awful scenario ( affair) . But YANBU to be livid given the circumstances. Try and get some sleep and confront him tomorrow.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 20/04/2013 02:55

I think you're being a bit OTT.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 03:28

Why?

OP posts:
Justgotosleep11 · 20/04/2013 03:52

Hope you've managed to get to sleep by now, but just in case you've not thought I'd comment as my pissed DH has just stumbled in and woken me and now I'm not able to sleep!!! Arrggghhhhhhh you're not the only one with a selfish prick of a man in your life ha!!! We have a 22m DS but I remember when I was preggers just how isolated I could feel when he was (what seemed like constantly) out with friends! Particularly as your stating at home being healthy trying to grow a person!! Try to relax as things always seem a bit better in the morning, but defo have the chat about your needs in the relationship, and if he's feeling stressed that should be addressed too! Communication is the only thing that will keep you both strong when the little one arrives so start now! Hope you get some sleep....I'm likely going to be awake for hrs grrrrrr

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 04:25

No I'm still awake so tomorrow I am going to feel terrible as I've never been able to sleep late even before being pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 04:28

I have no idea what he thinks he is stressed about so I can't help but think he is making up excuses to be a prick and act like he is still one of the single lads.
I'm pretty certain now that drugs are invved as he has sent a few more texts. If he was just drinking he would usually not be able to make sense but these texts are perfect. He has been telling me how skint he is all week so glad to know he has his priorities right.

OP posts:
LookingForwardToMarch · 20/04/2013 04:39

Yeah my twat of an exh used to do this.

Although it did turn out he never bothered to text until after he and his mate had turfed theirboozy drugged up one night stands out.

Yanbu, luckily dp would never dream of staying out all night, but if he did the locks would be changed in the morning.

Can you tell I have issues with this? Ha

Justgotosleep11 · 20/04/2013 04:40

Sounds familiar but without the drugs! That part is worrying with baby on the way! Definitely need to talk that through! But as mentioned before probably best for him not to be at home if he has been! Often during pregnancy women seen to ease into the new responsibility of becoming a mum as the pregnancy develops, sadly men see pregnancy as their final blow at their "fun past life"! It took our baby arriving for my DH to grow up at all! And even then he's still out all the time ...see my new thread fed up and unloved.....

Can't really help you but c's sympathise, you're not alone! Tell him he's a prick and if it happens again he can go bloody live with his mate if he likes it there so much!!!

Have you tried some gentle relaxation techniques to get to sleep? Also put the iPad/phone or whatever you're using down as blue light inhibits sleep!!!

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 04:52

I'm way too wide awake now for sleep so I may well just get up.

OP posts:
OrbisNonSufficit · 20/04/2013 05:10

Is it your first baby? He might be petrified of the impending responsibility. Not that it excuses his behaviour (I always need to know where my DH is if he's not home when i was expecting him otherwise I fret), but he may be working though some stuff in his head - if you come over all grumpy parent style scolding when he gets home it might drive him more into that childish mentality.

Not excusing him, just trying to understand if there's a reason.

Original poster
Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 05:12

Yes it is but he is not scared about it. He's just a prick I'm afraid.

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 20/04/2013 05:22

I don't think the world will end because he stayed over at a friends place. I know my dh wouldn't freak out if I wanted to stay at a friends. I would try and get some rest, fatigue isn't good for pregnant women or for people with anxiety. You can talk it out with him after you both are rested. Breath.

Chottie · 20/04/2013 05:24

If you are still there, please make sure you are lying down with your feet up, so even if you are not sleeping you are getting some rest. Sorry - it's the mum in me coming out!

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