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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I within my rights to be furious?

108 replies

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 01:50

DH has gone out with friends tonight. I've not heard from him which is unusual as he would usually text to see how I am. I did text him about 10pm but got no response.

I text him again about 20 minutes after the last train got in and he still wasn't home. He knows that I can't sleep until he gets home after a night out for various reasons. I have literally just had a text to say he is staying over at a friends house.

I am fucking furious. Am I being unreasonable? I personally don't think this is on for a married man anyway but I am 6 months pregnant and have been under an incredible amount of stress this past 2 weeks due to family issues. I am now feeling too stressed and annoyed to sleep after already having been really ill this evening.

Oh he has just text again to say he has had a really bad week as though that makes it ok!

OP posts:

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Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 09:24

Thingiebob he only text me a good half hour or more after he would have been home on the last train. And I had text him and tried to call so god knows if he would have let me know otherwise. We are broke until payday and couldn't really afford for him to go out let alone on a bender.

Those are the main reasons for me that I was furious.

OP posts:

TheYoniKeeper · 20/04/2013 09:24

(and tbh, leaving for a little while is a very effective way of driving home how important an issue is for you. And gives you time to rethink without the person being there. So it's not a massive overreaction IMO)

Thingiebob · 20/04/2013 09:28

So there seems to be a lot more going on than the fact he slept at a friends house.

NotMostPeople · 20/04/2013 09:40

You are overreacting IMO. My DH has done this every now and then over the years, if it helps its very rare now in fact I can't remember the last time. I think that even the most supportive, laid back happy father to be has his moments of fear and anxiety about what's about to happen. I bet you've had yours too. Going out in a big night out, not letting you know he's staying at a mates and getting off his head is all annoying, yes but that's it. I get he's going to be fairly useless when he does turn up today, I get you've had a bad time recently but he is a person too and I really don't understand why he is not 'allowed' to stay out overnight just because he's married. You either trust him or you don't.

lemonstartree · 20/04/2013 09:41

you're not listening. You cannot MAKE someone behave as you want. All you can do is make it clear that this is not acceptable for you. And that, XXX is your line and if he crosses it the relationship will be over, Then it depends on how he feels about you .. if he respects you enough to not cross the line....

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 09:42

I want to point out that I don't believe this is anything to do with the impending arrival of our baby. He used to behave like this all of the time .

OP posts:

TheYoniKeeper · 20/04/2013 09:43

Agree with lemonstarttree

NotMostPeople · 20/04/2013 09:48

Even if its not do you think it's reasonable to in force a rule on another person that are not allowed to spontaneously go out with friends for the night and stay over? It wouldn't be acceptable to me. Who wants to be in a relationship were you are told what you can and can't do? He just went out for the night.

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 09:52

How am I not listening?
I have nowhere to go and no money to go anywhere with. I could go into town for a few hours but as I have no idea if or when he will come back the chances are I could go out for hours and he wouldn't even be here to know I'd gone out.

He knows full well that I'd be angry at him staying out due to too many past incidences to recount here.

OP posts:

TheYoniKeeper · 20/04/2013 09:54

If he knows full well & has done it anyway, isn't that pretty bad?

Could you not stay with your mum temporarily?

lemonstartree · 20/04/2013 09:55

I agree with you notmostpeople - but if it is a big problem for the OP she needs to make that clear to her husband . Then they can negotiate or whatever. Its pointless seeking support for being 'furious' - or being angry with him - it will just chip away at the fabric of the marriage.

Helltotheno · 20/04/2013 10:03

*How am I not listening?8

You're not listening because all you want to do is sound off, not really do anything about the situation. If you're expecting this guy to change when you have kids, you need to burst that bubble of delusion quick smart. You'll have the babies, he'll keep going out on the piss and be incapable of functioning for full weekends or whatever, leaving you with all the shit.
You talk about having two friends OP. Well that's not enough. You need to start building a life for yourself right now, with multiple supports in it, because this guy is showing you, by his behaviour, that he isn't necessarily going to be your support.

What did you hope to achieve by posting this? People are telling youto vote with your feet if you find this unacceptable, ie kick him out, but you don't seem to be prepared to do that.

Certainly don't do it, but don't expect this situation to get better; in fact, expect it to get worse once the baby comes along. Just think how 'stressed' he'll be then

sweetestcup · 20/04/2013 10:05

I want to point out that I don't believe this is anything to do with the impending arrival of our baby. He used to behave like this all of the time

and He knows full well that I'd be angry at him staying out due to too many past incidences to recount here

So you are with a man with a history of upsetting behaviour and knows what your reaction is likely to be - why are you with him? And why decide to bring a baby into this? Serious questions, did you think you could "change" him?

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 10:07

Yes it is pretty bad and yes it has been made clear to him in the past.

It not possible for me to stay with my mum. I have another thread on here that explains it. Basically her husband has decided their marriage is over but won't move out. So in her small 2 bed house is her and my brother with the husband sleeping in the Lounge. I have been her emotional crutch for the past 2 weeks hence me saying earlier in the thread that I am majorly stressed. I would love to have somewhere to retreat for the rest of the weekend but I don't.

I get that some of you wouldn't have a problem with your DHs staying out all night. That's great I would like to be in that position. But due to too many past incidences of DH drinking and going AWOL I'm just not comfortable with it. I am totally anti drugs too which he knows about. I really did think that that part of our life was in the past. Last night has got me worried that maybe its not and what if its all going to start up again?

And also you know what I'm 6 months pregnant, having to deal with huge family stuff and would actually like some support from my husband.

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 20/04/2013 10:09

Just think about it for a minute OP. If everyone on here says 'Yes your DH is a useless, thoughtless, selfish twunt' You feel righteous. He comes hone and you yell at him. He already knows you will have found thus behavior unacceptable and I can assure you he doesn't care what a bunch of internet strangers thinks. So what have you achieved ? a row, unhappiness, feeling of indignant, self righteous 'rightness' for you and anger and frustration for him.

OR you could think about this another way. He has done this despite knowing that you will be upset. Why i that? is it because he doesn't care that you will be upset ? he doesn't think your reasons for being upset are reasonable? he wants to do this more than he cares that you are upset? he doesn't know HOW important this is for you ? Why don't you find out which of these it is? You might discover if this is actually important enough for you to end you marriage over ? or not. And if not (and I really hope it IS NOT) you need to negotiate some acceptable boundaries for BOTH of you... FWIW I think ' i cant sleep till he comes in' is unpleasantly manipulative and bordering on emotional blackmail. But you will think otherwise.

Actually I think you have some big problems that are going to get much worse when this baby arrives so I suggest (seriously) you invest in some couples counseling. Its a lot cheaper than divorce.

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 10:09

I've not once said I won't be telling him to leave. I've said that I won't be going.

I've also not said I only have 2 friends. I've explained that my friends are away, abroad or dealing with enough crap of their own right now.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 20/04/2013 10:10

If he's not going to show you support of his own free will now OP, it certainly isn't going to start happening from here on in. You trying to make him is not going to succeed, you are on a hiding to absolutely nothing.

So what are you going to do about it? You're being told here what your future is....

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 10:13

The not sleeping thing is not me trying to manipulate him. It stems from a night when he ended up in hospital after drinking. I couldn't get hold of him and had no idea where he was. There's more that I'm not going into here but since that night I have been anxious if he is out late and I do not hear from him that he is ok.

OP posts:

MissLurkalot · 20/04/2013 10:21

Op, I think you've been treated rather harshly by some.... But there is some really good, solid advice too with it.

It does sound that there is a pattern here. It also sounds that you have a huge amount on your plate too... And you are not getting support from your loved ones, what with various things on their plates too.

Can you you ask OH about his week and why it's been so bad? Can you listen to him.. Hear his reasons.. Then, can you explain that you're feeling isolated and emotional, and that you need him right now?

lemonstartree · 20/04/2013 10:21

yes, there will always be 'reasons' but look at it from his point of view - he can NEVER be out late because YOU are anxious... is that fair?

Helltotheno · 20/04/2013 10:29

he ended up in hospital after drinking

Right. Ok OP you've chosen to be with someone who does the above, and you've chosen to take all the stress on yourself of managing someone with a drink problem. That's up to you; don't ever say it wasn't your own decision.

I'll say one thing though, you can and you will manage this baby alone. Being lonely and unsupported through a pregnancy is a difficult place to be, but the moment that child is born, you will know instinctively that you are fully capable of giving him everything he needs on your own.
You're at a crossroads now. You're with a person who is not putting you first; tbh I wouldn't even say second or third either. It's important that you have a good long think about how you want your life to be.

Autumn12 · 20/04/2013 10:31

Taken in isolation it's not reasonable. But it isn't that he cannot be out late. It's fine when its expected and I'm told about it. Had he replied to my first text at 10pm and said that he was thinking of staying over it wouldn't have become such a drama. Instead he left it until well after the latest time I would have expected him back and I don't know if he would have let me know at all if I'd not been trying to get hold of him.

There's also the fact that what is normal and ok for most people is not necessarily ok for everyone. I've been burnt by him where alcohol and going out is concerned so the boundaries I/we have in place maybe are different to others.

I can't say at this precise moment what I am going to say or do. I don't think it's possible to know myself until I find out his plans and how he is going to be. Clearly if he stays out all weekend and isn't at all sorry I'm going to react differently to if he comes home full of remorse and prepared to discuss it.

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and I am taking it all onboard.

OP posts:

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MadAboutHotChoc · 20/04/2013 10:33

I agree with Hell.

He sounds like a selfish entitled manchild and that the reason why you are angry is because last night is part of a pattern of immature selfish behaviour.

Sadly, nothing will change unless there are real consequences. Ranting is not a real consequence - he will just hide away, put up with a lecture and then once things have been swept under the carpet, he plays up again.

Living like this is a real drain and with a baby on the way it will just get worse.

The only real consequence is for you to take action and tell him you want a real grown up man with balls and to ask him to leave to give you space.

Viviennemary · 20/04/2013 10:37

You are right to be annoyed with him. He should have let you know earlier what his plans were as he knows you are anxious. But no point in making a huge issue. Tell him you are really upset because of his thoughtlessness and leave it at that.

sweetestcup · 20/04/2013 10:38

You havent answered why you are with someone with a history of upsetting you autumn?

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