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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

241 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 08:24

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 08:31

Finito, yes?

Or you will stick around for more of the same?

sleepingwiththeenemy · 22/03/2013 08:32

How did you find out OP?

Xales · 22/03/2013 08:54

He did it before. Your pain and heartache were not enough to stop him doing it again.

He probably will do it a again.

Plan your options for once the exams are done.

Please consider an STI clinic.

pleasestoptalking · 22/03/2013 09:36

I'm so sorry.

I admire your restraint!

What are you going to do? It does sound as though this time you have to accept that he's not going to change. Can you live with this?

I think Xales is right. It sounds like you have the strength to not act on impulse and can think this through and make a plan of action for when the exams are over. Think about what your options are and in the meantime visit a solicitor and an STI clinic to make sure you are ok.

Get a screengrab of his profile on the dating site as proof in case you need it.

Good luck

ScottyDoc · 22/03/2013 09:41

Once a cheat most likely always a cheat.

Entitled selfish nasty piece of work. Get legal advice immediately and get him out of your life. He will only do it again and again and will always find an excuse for it .

Bitofadviceplease · 22/03/2013 09:42

Men like this will keep in doing it as long as you continue to put up with it & not make them face a consequence.

I'd leave if I could or chuck him out. You've forgiven him once. You deserve better.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 09:46

I found out by pure genuine accident, my H is a creature of habit and his passwords usually have certain numbers tagged on. Due to his past I check every so often if has used old hotmails , but yesterday I put half user name in and the normal password , up came emails from lays year from this site. I couldn't understand at first where they had appeared from because I had checked the email account last Christmas , then I realised I had used his username from something else, added hotmail and his password and there it was. I clicked on an email that connected me to the site and there was my H , his photo and profile, from what I gather he must have subscribed for a month or to as the site isn't free... He put things down about how he loves particular things.
Before I have always accepted his flannel and felt I was over reacting and just maybe , maybe I was making too much of something, yes denial, but this time to see his photo as clear as day next to photos of women's body parts.....
My legs are like jelly, my heart is crushed,,
I checked the account which was opened last may, there are no emails of people checking his profile since Aug as I guess his subscription expired,
I couldn't see any meetings arranged but a list of encounters with photos he
chose as Yes or maybe, what ever that means.
To make things worse , I have no friends or family as my parents live abroad, I live in the country miles away from any one, which is why I think I have put up with this as well as believe it or not my H is the nicest bloke in the world which makes all this so difficult to believe, it seems sureal .
I am not very good at dealing with stuff, my body closes off with my mind, and pretends nothing happens..... I did this when my first H was killed in an accident , I was calm and controlled and wouldn't let the feelings get to me, I was numb then and just accepted he had gone from my life, I carried on with my children as though it was a normal day........ If I could feel I could get angry , but I don't, I sit here looking for reasons and explanations and dilute what happened, making me feel worthless and the problem,

OP posts:

Distrustinggirlnow · 22/03/2013 09:53

So sorry to read that you've been betrayed again drift.
I admire you thinking of others rather than going in all guns blazing which is what I'd probably do

Right, you've been here before so you know the script. He will delete and deny and minimise.

It depends on what you want the outcome to be. If the fact that he has this profile is a deal breaker then start planning your exit.

If you want to know if he's met anyone then you need to gain access to his profile and the email address that he has associated with the profile.

I'm guessing, like me, you have stumbled upon this completely by accident. I feel your pain, I really do. Has there been other suspicious behaviour from him such as using the computer late at night or early morning, having breakfast meetings, more overnights away....?

You may not be bothered about this detail, which is fine. I tend to over analyse things sometimes lol.

Distrustinggirlnow · 22/03/2013 09:54

Sorry drift, x post....

Distrustinggirlnow · 22/03/2013 10:06

You don't have to put up with this at all. He obviously thinks that he is entitled to have a bit of fun (that seems to be the term they use) without you.

I know you say he's a nice bloke, but from the outside looking in he's an accomplished liar and cheat.

I think you need to know what you're dealing with. Did you check the sent mails and deleted mails too....?

I know that the alternative seems very hard, but this really is no way to live.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2013 10:06

"I am not very good at dealing with stuff, my body closes off with my mind, and pretends nothing happens"

Time to change then. You'll never change him but you can correct this quite easily and stop repeating the mistake. You don't have to get particularly angry (although it does sharpen the mind) but you need a plan of action. If you can't think of a plan, get him to leave until you have one.

Otherwise, you'll just cycle through this painful process of low self-esteem, finding you've been betrayed, looking for reasons, making excuses, blaming yourself, believing his rubbish.... and feeling even worse about yourself.

He's not 'the nicest bloke in the world' is he? He's a liar who has no respect for you or any other woman.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 10:15

Yes Distrustingirlnow, I did check sent and deleted email,s all empty and the account too had nothing but a list of pictures of women he chose as encounters but no actual proof he met anyone, though he obviously paid to use the site for a month or two,set up a new email account and included a photo of himself, made a profile and the sexy things he likes, no actual proof of meeting anyone, which is how he will wriggle out of this and the fact it was last summer too,, l

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2013 10:20

That's why you need to take control of this now. What do you want from your life? Constantly worrying which website your husband has signed up to this week? Waiting for the next skeleton-shaped affair to tumble accidentally out of a cupboard? Sexually transmitted diseases? The knowledge that the person who is supposed to love you has no respect for you whatsoever? I hope you think that you deserve better than that.

It is immaterial that it happened last summer. It is irrelevant that he met up or didn't meat up. Stop listening to the excuses, stop hoping for the best & let him protest all he likes..... from a distance.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2013 10:20

'meat up'... 'meet up'.... Freudian slip :)

ISplashPuddles · 22/03/2013 10:29

"which is how he will wriggle out of this and the fact it was last summer too,"

He can not wriggle out of anything if you do not let him . Stand strong, take control of YOUR life.

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 12:54

Can you believe I have just been shopping with my H and acting all happy and normal as nothing has happened, inside I want to scream at him but something stops me!,,,,,,,,

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2013 13:00

OK, unpack that a little. What is stopping you from screaming exactly? What are you frightened of?.... failure? being alone? getting it wrong? What do you gain from carrying on with his pretence and keeping quiet?.... his money? respectability? saving face?

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 13:47

At the moment my eldest son, who lost his real dad when he was young is coming home this weekend fron Uni. He is going to be studying for his finals for a Law degree. Our second son has his GCSE,s coming up in may and is revising.
I don't want to up heave them .
Also I know from past experience that when I do face my H with the facts at some stage he will get angry and the more upset when he realises I mean it, things get broken mysteriously and then he gets angry with me and my wanting to split will be the issue and its all my fault and he will make life difficult for me, by threatening to make things as difficult as possible for me too....been there 4 years ago,,

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 14:05

Your husband is abusive?

No surprises there. Contact Womens Aid, and with their assistance, start making your exit plan

In the meantime, if you are still sleeping with your h, use condoms

Original poster

xxdriftwoodxx · 22/03/2013 14:13

He isn't abusive, but last time we separated due to his affair he broke things, little things to think I was going mad . And then as he got upset when I wouldn't get back with him, he would throw stones at my window at night to get me to talk to him.
When sober in the day he would treat me as though I was in the wrong, how dare I throw him out of his house when he hasn't done anything,,, telling his family I was being paranoid and unreasonable . Everyone believes mr nice guy.
He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women xx

OP posts:

Gingerandcocoa · 22/03/2013 14:17

This is abuse.

Gingerandcocoa · 22/03/2013 14:18

And a bit of craziness, I add. OP, please, you do not need this man in your life. You may think you do now, but you will be much better off without him. Please don't allow your sons to see you putting up with this kind of situation, you all deserve much better.

Lueji · 22/03/2013 14:19

he would treat me as though I was in the wrong, how dare I throw him out of his house when he hasn't done anything,,, telling his family I was being paranoid and unreasonable. He will try to break me in different ways, play the innocent victim to get the house and make me look the mad women

This too.

colette · 22/03/2013 14:21

Plan your escape, time it to suit you and your sons, but do it!

EggyFucker · 22/03/2013 14:38

This is emotional abuse.

He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you

Have a read of the WA website

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