Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I think when it happens to ourselves we feel soooo vulnerable, worn out, old and useless,,

[EggyFucker]

You are not useless

You are worth a thousand of him, if you could but see it

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I think I need some inspiration,,,
I reread his profile on" MarriedAffairs.com "tonight , his profile is still on the site as I speak,, not sure he has used the site since last year but non the less his photo and profile is there tonight ,, I feel so sick,anyone could see him,,,
I see anger, he will think there is nothing wrong, it was a stupid moment putting on his details,,
How do other people cope with the same...??

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I feel a waste of space Eggfffff

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I need a reality check pleeeeeeze, finding all his confusing,,,,,

[something2say]

I think that living according to someone else's truth makes us feel worn out and shit.

When he has gone, you will notice that life is simpler and happier. No second guessing, no comparing yourself to god knows what other women. If there is no one loving you but you, at least you know that, and then there is room for someone else to love you.

You sound like you need a good rest, some simple time and some respect for who you are. That will come in time. Xxx

[EggyFucker]

You are not the waste of space

You are not a cheating second-class citizen

He is

he always has been

you are seeing this now

it is no reflection on you....this is an inadequacy in him

[something2say]

The main thing is, he may lie. Do you think he loves you, even if the profile is a mistake? Could he convince you that he still adores and cherishes you based on the behaviour you see?

[badinage]

Driftwood come on.

What other inspiration are you expecting to get?

Not one person has said this is acceptable. Everyone's advised you to get the hell out and take your poor sons with you.

You keep going on about what your husband will say, but for the 100th time it doesn't matter what he thinks. Nor does it matter what anyone else thinks.

If you want to stay in this marriage, just say so and the thread will peter out.

[Yellowtip]

Your H is seriously abusive, won't change and you need to get him out. But I definitely think your elder son deserves not to have his boat rocked for the next few critical weeks and that your younger son should likewise get his GCSEs over and done with before you confront your H. I think the weeks until the middle or end of June will allow you time to process the shock and anger and turn it to your advantage in terms of strength. Perhaps try to see the advantage in hanging on. You know that you know of his latest deceit but your H does not, so you can position yourself and plan, while giving your sons a blank canvas to get on with their exams. I really do think that after all his previous deceits you should wait, to give your sons their best shot at their respective exams. But once the exam season is over, you need to deliver a swift and uncompromising ultimatum to your H to get out, not return and to wait for the legal papers to come his way. Breaking things to make you feel mad: that's so much worse than you think - and it's him who's mad for that approach, so mad. very, very nasty and insidious too. Best of luck OP, you've been dealt a bad hand.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I know it is stupid but I find it confusing, he seems a nice bloke on the outside, he is great at everything, then I stumble on lies after lies, he denies them, these lies are on paper..... All day while he is at work everyday I get texts saying how much he misses me, how much he loves me... All so confusing, I know I am stupid and gullible ,,

[EggyFucker]

A basic premise to live by...

Judge someone on their actions not their words

Where does that bring you, love ?

[badinage]

It's not confusing at all. He wants to screw around from the safety of marriage and gaslights you so that you won't take his safety away.

Have you ever printed off everything he's written online and shown it to a real-life friend who has your best interests at heart? Or shown it all to a lawyer?

Try it. Because us saying it online isn't getting you anywhere.

[supersare]

I think that under the circumstances anyone in their right mind would say to leave him. However, it is such an easy thing to say and an also an incredibly hard thing to do. I left a man after being with him for over 20 years after waiting until my children finished school. He had a passive aggressive personality and was very controlling. You have to be strong and know that you are doing what is best, however it is hard and you need support.
Driftwood, you can do it - if it's what you want but you will need to find inner strength.
I can promise you that the relief will be immense when you do it and you will be a much happier person all round.
Good luck xx

[ScabbyHorse]

I hope you find the courage to leave

[Hatpin]

Driftwood, I came to see how you were getting on with your plan.

Do you need practical advice? Lots of us here have been through separation and divorce.

Ask us questions if you don't know where to start.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I haven't any friends or Family Baninage , the closest I have to a friend I showed her the profile and she just looked fir excuses and just said what's up with him, they are all the same blokes, is what she said ,,
Yes please, advice on divorce , how to go about finances please. I work part time, one son at home, mortgage under£500, I work 2 nights a week,,
I am dealing with this alone which is why I turned to the forum as an outlet, having no family makes this difficult and He is my only family and I guess I am struggling with my mind and my insecurities, I know deep down I want out, I feel repulsed when I look at him, thanks Hatpin :)

[Yellowtip]

If I were you I'd make an appointment to see a decent solicitor and start doing the paperwork for a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour, which this is. And you have proof of the behaviour. If you delay for too many months the behaviour will be deemed too far in the past to count for the purposes of a divorce, then you'll have all the rigmarole about asking for your Hs consent. You can instruct the solicitor not to send the paperwork off until the last GCSE is done but to do it immediately thereafter. The fact that you're doing this should, over the intervening weeks, make you much stronger emotionally, much better equipped to handle his anger etc. and the fact that you've gone 'legal' means he will need to watch his step before breaking your stuff or playing other vile mind games. I'd show him the door the day that the papers arrive. The solicitor can give you other advice and you can get plenty on here. Just take care to engage a good solicitor, not any old one.

[mumblechum1]

Just a technical point, Yellowtip may be thinking about divorce on the grounds of adultery, where continued cohabitation for more than 6 months after finding out about an affair means you can't rely on adultery.

there is no such time limit on unreasonable behaviour petitions.

[mumblechum1]

OP Pop over to Legal for advice on the mechanics of the divorce, we're a very friendly and helpful bunch over there

[Yellowtip]

Isn't there? I understood that the last incident of violence for example had to have occurred within the past six months, and of course that would be a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour too. I'm happy to be corrected but that was my clear understanding up until now. Apologies if I got that wrong.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I will be going for unreasonable behaviour, I checked his profile is still on the site for all to see, I am not sure he realises it or not as there hasn't been any activity but the profile was made along with a secret hotmail account and he wrote his sexual appertite for women to read, he was basically selling himself, I think that will be more than enough for the solicitor for divorce!
A bit childish but I would like to embarrass him with the revelation when it happens, more to shame him and hope he leaves our home which us going to be the most difficult part because he will be dammed he did something totally innocent and harmless plus I can't face him I need to do this a cowards way otherwise I will believe his puppy dog face and tears, followed by anger at me having the nerve to accuse him of something ,,,

[something2say]

Do you co own? In wh ich case he may be legally entitled to remain there until assets are divided.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is your feeling in your own mind and heart that the marriage is over.

What's your first step going to be? Telling him? Seeking legal advice?

Congratulations by the way. Not lying and carrying on hoping is a great start to a better future xx

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Yes we co own 75%/25% in my favour and you gets son is 15, from what I gather I can stay in the house til son 18. . My main concern is I can afford basic divorce costs but not enough to pay solicitors to sort out the financial side , wondering how other people sort out the financial side legally , there is no way I can afford it xx

[onefewernow]

I really don't know the divorce details xx but I am pleased for you.

If I ever ever go through a second bout of finding my h cheating, he is out.

A person simply cannot go through this often without losing all hope and joy and self respect. No wonder you have felt so low and isolated.