Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

[MadAboutHotChoc]

This link may help:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

Good luck in getting rid of this vile man.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

It's 5 days since I saw my H was on "MARRIEDAFFAIR.COM" last year........ I have printed copies of his profile but when it printed out it looks small and insignificant now.... It's as though holding it in all my anger and fire has gone as though I am getting used the the idea and forgotten
I tried to wake up my senses by looking at the site, put in an age and area and two pages of pictures of ugly men came up and my H is one of them, so though he hasn't used the site since last year that I can see his picture is on the site fir any one to venue!! That made me feel sick ,,
I told a friend today about what he did, she was disgusted but said she knows he won't leave the house even when presented with the evidence
Don't know what to do the wind has gone out of my sail. :(

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Have you sought legal advice yet?

If not, make this your next step.

[EggyFucker]

And so you stay on the merry go round

You stfu until you "get over it" and he carries on being an unhindered adulterer

What a grim way to live

[badinage]

Go to a lawyer and take your evidence with you, including any screen shots about the holiday with the woman he wrote was his 'girlfriend'. Take all the evidence of the dating site registrations.

You can do this, but you've got to want to change your unhappy life.

[CarnivorousPanda]

I still can't believe he has been so brazen, he obviously doesn't care who sees his grubby photos. And lying about going on holiday with another woman and then openly boasting about it - words fail me actually.

Are you really willing to tolerate this contempt he has for you?

What more does he need to do to get you to kick him out of your life?

[xxdriftwoodxx]

The girlfriend on holiday was over 4 years ago, and I read what he had written at the time two years later(2yrs ago )

[MadAboutHotChoc]

It does not matter how long ago it was - you can still divorce him on unreasonable behaviour grounds (if that's what you mean by your last post).

[CarnivorousPanda]

Do you still want to be living this sort of life in 5 or 10 years time?

Can you really "get used to the idea" that this is how your life is? Living with an unfaithful, man who is basically treating you like dirt.

This is so sad.

[supersare]

You may be entitled to Legal Aid for help with your solicitors fees.
Also, many solicitors give you free advice at your initial consultation.
You have nothing to loose by going to see them, the law often favours the wife in divorce cases and by the sound of your situation you won't have any problems in keeping your house until your younger son is 18 years old at least.

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Good evening, drift. I've just read your thread and feel so angry on your behalf. I was with someone exactly like this for some miserable years and I sooo understand your confusion and uncertainty. He systematically infantilised, humiliated, belittled, manipulated, undermined and financially screwed me (in the creepiest, nice-guy-ish kind of way), and made me think I was always overreacting to his, on reflection, outrageous transgressions.

When I made my 'discovery' of his serial sex addiction, persistent adultery and fraudulent transactions, he convinced me not to tell anyone as a) "we were the ideal couple", b) he would lose face with friends and clients (he mixed business and friendships a lot, common in his field) and c) people would wonder why it was that he was looking for sexual gratification elsewhere, implying that it would somehow be a slur on me. I completely bought into this and kept it to myself, as he was such a 'nice guy'!

It took me a year to gather my senses and courage and get out, and I am so glad I did. But here is a testament to the power of this kind of 'nice-guy-ishness', even after I left and I told some of our friends what had really happened over the years, many were shocked to the point of disbelief, but still to this day count him as a dear friend. And I hear on the grapevine that he is giving his poor new DW the same treatment (they don't change...).
I wish you well and hope you can muster enough clarity and courage to liberate yourself from this poisonous man.

[badinage]

It wouldn't matter whether his infidelity was right at the start of your marriage, and you know it.

Stop making excuses and go to see a lawyer with your evidence.

Either that or stay with your husband and put up with this life.

But FGS do something and stop vacillating.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Vasilliating, I agree that isn't problem and I want together out of this!!!
Last Thursday I found out my H was/is on MarriedAffair.com he was active last summer , but I found out last week. There is a photo of my H on this site!
Unlike many people who have family and friends around them I unfortunately live in the welsh country side, no friends, neighbours or family, my H is the only person I see on a day to day basis .
No I am not changing my mind but ghe doesn't yet know I know he was on this site selling himself for sex!! Yes my posts are up and down because I am baring my heArt and soul to complete strangers hopping to get the strength to end my relationship with him once and for all. I realise some if you think I am off tha of , others understand. But this is why I am here to find the strength to sort my bull shit of a life and stand up to my H. I know he will dismiss the use of a dating I'd sex site as nothing , I need your assistance to help me to stop being weak and deal with this bloke. He sits next to me now, glass of wine in his hand, holding mine and expecting sex later in bed!! Acts as though he lives me soooo much but do far nix amount if years he us on a adtng site twice a year so far but belittles it as nothing . I am alone in this as you must see by now!! Even after 5 days I already feel finding my H was on a site for sex as nothing now, diluted over time and as though I haven't a key to stand into stand up to him .

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I recently read about "Hysterical Bonding"how partners of cheaters turn to the person who cheated to console them.
Having no one to turn to I realise I turn to the person who cheats in me , this is a circle I can't get out of, this means he pops on me, gets away with it and it all starts again . Please tell me how you cope and break away ?

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Real life help I think. He may also have indoctrinated feelings of solitude in you, but I bet there are people out there you can reach out to, who will listen and believe you.

Think hard about family members, old friends from happier times. Start creating a circle of friends and interests outside the home to normalize your life. Get back in touch with people.

Anything you fancy doing? A swim morning, or aqua-aerobics class? Some Pilates or a book group? mumsnet meetups?

[CarnivorousPanda]

You sound totally dependent on him. That will make you vulnerable.

Agree with Wally, you have to reach out to a life away from him, because that life is there.
If that is what you want.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Start detaching drift. You can't honestly have sex with a man who disrespects you to this level. How do you know it's safe...?

Let go of his hand and go sit in another chair, or room. Go upstairs and sort your sock drawer, get away from his presence. Get angry. Your acceptance is heartbreaking, he has ground you down.

Last week I watched a dark comedy on my ipad called Lizzie and Sarah, which was on bbc2 a few years back. Before I visited the relationships board I would have thought the story line utterly OTT. But last week I felt despondent that it was true to life for so many women at a certain age that have invested so much in their families and hold everything together at the cost of their own happiness so that men can walk all over them.

I didn't laugh at it, I cried for most of the day it was so sad.

Badinage a week of discussions on a forum is not really deserving of such a strong retort. If the posting irritates you that much you can choose to click and ignore?

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Thank you for listening to me, I know I am up and down Bur I am trying to work through this .
At the moment I feel I am making a mountain out if a mole hill, can't get my head round it all , I am up and down which I know irritates some people but I know those who think they could deal with this don't know how they would react! If you asked me ten years ago if I would tolerate a h who has affairs or goes on dating sites orcs ex sites I would have said I wouldn't stand for it , but when shove comes to push it isn't that easy!! Yes I want out but some how I am brain washed to think I am making this our to be something it isn't !! Sorry I am waffling as I try to work this out!!! Xxx

[xxdriftwoodxx]

You know I am scared of presenting him with this stuff I found out cus I know he will belittle it !!! I would rather lock him out with the posts written on my front door but I know that would cause more hassle xx

[CarnivorousPanda]

Driftwood it is the other way round -actually you are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

What has happened in your life to make you accept such disgusting behaviour?

[EggyFucker]

Drift, it makes me feel very upset that you will have sex with him later

there are people who consider you as worth much more than this

I wish you could see it for yourself

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

The thing with gas lighters is not to engage in the manipulative conversation and inevitable bullshit and pity party.

Have a stock response planned and work through the possible scenarios.
Ok you might find this a bit silly, but give it a go:

• Find a quiet time when you are alone and won't be disturbed.
  
• Get two sheets of paper and write DW and DH on them.
  
• put them on the floor about 4 feet apart.
  
• step on the DW one and start talking to the DH paper about the evidence you have found and what you want to happen.
  
• step onto the DH one and answer with the response he is likely to give.
  
• work through it until you are confident that you have a strong opinion and all the answers to all the possible questions. You could also do this by writing down all the excuses, bravado and angry responses you will get in one column, and then the calm practiced answer in the opposite column. Read it until you have the answers to heart.
  

Remember the natural reaction of stress is fight or flight. This means that blood rushes away from the brain into the limbs during times of stress, ready to punch or leg it. So your brain isn't capable of responding clearly at these times (which is why people always think of "comebacks" after stressy situations) but you can train yourself to stick to your answers, and your guns.

The sentence you need to keep repeating is along the lines of:

It is not normal behavior for a happily married man with an active love life to seek illicit sex outside the marriage. It is unacceptable behavior on your part, you have damaged the relationship, and I no longer wish to continue in this marriage.

If you are still in contemplation stage here then there is no harm in working on getting your plan right.

[badinage]

I'm sorry if my response was harsh.

Maybe I shouldn't have looked up all the OP's other threads, but this hasn't been going on for a week, it's been going on for 5 years and the OP's poor son and friend have been trying to get her to do something about the situation.

Wally you're correct - I'm not the right person for this thread, so I'll step out and wish the OP and her sons luck.

[LittleEdie]

You don't need to ask him for explanations if you think he'll just wriggle out of it. You don't have to wait for him to admit it before your allowed to leave.

[notimefors]

This is no life for your children to see you living. :(

The holiday thing is ridiculous and I cannot comprehend how you let him just get away with it.

Incidentally, I would be looking at match.com again, and all the other casual sex and married sex websites with variations on the new email address.

If you can't leave, yet, I think you should look into some kind of counselling to properly work through how you do not have to accept this sort of relationship, and why you seem to think you ought to put up with so much crap.

Really you have to aim to leave long term. This man does not respect you or love you. How could you ever rely on him? How could you ever fully enjoy life with him knowing what you know?