Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

[notimefors]

This is no life for your children to see you living. :(

The holiday thing is ridiculous and I cannot comprehend how you let him just get away with it.

Incidentally, I would be looking at match.com again, and all the other casual sex and married sex websites with variations on the new email address.

If you can't leave, yet, I think you should look into some kind of counselling to properly work through how you do not have to accept this sort of relationship, and why you seem to think you ought to put up with so much crap.

Really you have to aim to leave long term. This man does not respect you or love you. How could you ever rely on him? How could you ever fully enjoy life with him knowing what you know?

[xxdriftwoodxx]

It's true WALLY, that's exactly how I feel my brain goes numb and run out if argument and everything that's happened seems insignificant or as though it never happened.
But this time out of all I want to sort my self out and find out how to get past this amnesia my brain seems to go into.
My H doesn't yet know anything about the recent stuff I found out because of the kids exams but also so I stay strong but it's not working as I planned, the more time goes on its as though my argument gets weaker , yet I know I have every leg to stand on to kick him out.
Last night he came to bed all roaring to go but he says something crude and cheeky which made my insides cringe!! I said no way to the suggestion to which he said" yeh everything has changed, you don't do this or that" I said its not my fault it's all yours, he mumbled I know .... He slept as far away as possible to me and was cold and distant with me this morning ! Lol I thought" how can he treat me in contempt when he dies the stuff he does behind my back and i act all nicely nice"?
Going back to coping strategies I did the same when my first H was killed in an accident I acted as though nothing had happened, to me it had happened, it was a done deal , nothing could change it, no amount of years or self pity would bring him back.... Just like now u feel I am looking for self pity, maybe I am by seeking advice .... More like I don't know how to react normally without being scared of the consequences.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Bandinage
Your views are just as important, I am here to seek all views and thoughts and you ate right I do need a kick up the bum. So far everyone has brought a thought to my mind. Say you piece nothing offends me in the slightest, hence my situation at home. Without everyone's input I would have shelved this and let him get away with this, but with people's advice I am keeping this open to help me get strength to at last do something about the way I deal with things to kick him out and let go!!
Thank you for all the advice please persevere with me through this ? Xx

[myroomisatip]

Hi driftwood.

I feel so sad for you and you remind me of how I was for many years. So unhappy but could not find the self confidence or self belief to do anything about it. Things went on for years and I was utterly terrified of my (STBX)H. Really terrified.

Then one day the fear of living my life with him suddenly became greater than my fear of him. Like you I had no one to turn to, no family, no friends. I ended up secretly packing a bag and running away.

Because I had no support I ended up back in the marital home but I had broken through the fear and hope to be divorced soon now.

I am not proud of the cowardly way I acted but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could not tackle it any other way. We would have 'the talk' and then he would act as if it had never taken place. He was abusive on every level but oh everyone thought he was such a 'nice' man!

You will find your way. Take all the help you can get. Doctor. Counselling. Womens Aid. MN. Build up an escape fund. Get your important documents together.

You will find a way. I hope it will be soon.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Feeling stronger, appointment with solicitor next week, going to put wheels in motion x

[myroomisatip]

Great news :)

Just one step at a time if that is how you can manage it.

[LittleEdie]

That's great. Speak to two or three, find one you're comfortable with. It's amazing how talking to someone 'official' can help make it seem real. Good luck.

[myroomisatip]

LittleEdie is right about seeing more than one solicitor. It took me three attempts before I found one that I felt truly understood my situation.

[watchingout]

One thing my sister said to me a few years back " Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

And where do you want to be? Cos they ain't necessarily the same!!

Also, (as children tend to emulate the parents, or caregivers) do you want your sons to think its acceptable to treat their wives in the same way in the future?

[armagh]

Driftwood hope you are keeping strong

[onefewernow]

Out of Interest, and because I have been in your position, I thought you would find this useful:

I puzzled out that the reason I didn't act for so long was because I spent so much of the time going over the situation in my head. What I mean is, I was really spending all the time thinking about him and managing the situation, instead of doing something about it.

It's impossible to find the mental energy for both.

Once you start to act, it will add to your new perspective and give you something different to think about. One step at a time...you can get there.

Look up Cjel's post last week on the thread for the lady who has had cancer and a cheating h. It will be an inspiration.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Hi!
Yes keeping strong, obviously things pop in my mind but as you say where do I see myself in 5 years time, I didn't think after his affair 5 years ago it would still be happening and denied at the same time, playing with my mind as he tries to wiggle out of what he did. Unfortunately this time his prized photo of himself purched on his precious motor bike which he uses for legit profile pictures of which people know him by, really has finished any doubts I had about him. I guess a bloke who places his photo openly and uses his real name too on a site to meet people for sex, is a man with a twisted, sinister mind or thinks highly of himself, it's that which has opened my mind to the bloke I live with.
You are right my sons, I have two others from my first marriage say little so not to make things worse , me trying to stay strong and let things blow over time and time again, just shows me as a desperate women, not the strong mum who was left with 3 young children when their dad died......
I believe to get through this now will make me a better person , and who knows what is around the corner .
One of my H,s alias,s on match.com was Lifesforliving, too right, life is for living!
I will do this bit by bit , hopefully after son goes back to uni which is next week sometime, meanwhile collecting stuff and getting him to finish things I am not handy with, ie, get my car MOT done early , then he can help to fix it if it fails, a but mersonary I know thank you for the support, really appreciated as I know my threads annoy some as I seem weak at times, when really I am just telling all the different thought patterns that go through my mind and I am trying to work through them too xx

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Onefewrernow, that is exactly what I have been doing, in the end I rationalise what he has done and by the time I have worn myself out thinking, it's as though he hasn't done wrong, hence doubting myself.
I have read that post, I found her very inspiring and such a fighter, I too was in a similar situation last May having a biopsy last year and the year before, but nothing as major as that lady, who hasn't been worn down as she has such inner strength and conviction an inspiration to everyone xx

[onefewernow]

So glad .

I like your approach- make the best of his skills in the time left. He has had plenty of yours.

You can't get any feeling of power back until you act. Then each action makes you stronger. Until you can't imagine why you put up with it for do long.

And that is the reason why you will be able to build a better life eventually as by then you will have all that "personal power" under your belt.

It is about re growing those boundaries, brick by brick.

So many women come on here expecting the magic solution. There isn't one, but it seems so attractive when we have been ground down.

It is hard bloody work.

But now you are starting it.

Keep it up. And maybe still read the Bancroft book, even though some of it doesn't relate. As it will arm you for the future.

[supersare]

So glad to hear that you're in a positive frame of mind Driftwood and taking action.
It sounds like you're on the first steps of a road to a happier life, you won't regret getting rid of him.
Life is for living and the world will be your oyster soon you lucky girl!

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Other people's views on here do help me, it's as though I weigh the odds on wether its acceptable for H to be on sites and wether my reaction is wrong. Think over the week I have gone over things and I kept thinking he will come up with good reasons why I should just take his actions as harmless and not meaning anything. Then I thought, makes no odds if he contacted any one, dies it.? The facts are, he opened a profile on an adult site, with a well used photo off himself, using his actual name, stating his sexual preferences, yes he opened it last Zune, I didn't know til last week, his profile is still on the site with loads of other ugly men wanting sex with stranger!! That's more than enough to end the marriage let alone add his affairs and past encounters with match.com, which were either jokes or old or just messing or nothing happened!!
I know I can't live this way any more, it's killing me from the inside out, yet everyone thinks we are so happy together cus to the outside world I carry on as normal, happy and bubbly acting like the " perfect"" lol wife,
People think we are soooo happy together always smiling and doing things for each other, all not real...
Worried how to deal with telling him, face to face, leave copies of the profile and letter to go, not sure how to deal with that one yet and do I expect him to pay half the mortgage if he goes since its a joint debt or do I ask for child maintenance instead, he isn't a big earner, so won't get both xx

[badinage]

Really good news to read about your lawyer's appointment next week OP. Make sure you take your print-outs.

It'll do you the world of good to hear a professional person telling you that you'd get a divorce in a nano second with all that evidence.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Will taking the printouts make any difference?

Being able to talk things through on here really helping, many different opinions but all in support, I have found that really good because I did expect people to look for flaws and perhaps excuse my H or find reason, apart from he is obviously unhappy with me himself.
I also learnt from other people's experiences that there is a pattern to my type of H and that he won't change . I see he seeks the thrill of doing things in secret, be it dating sites, organising things behind my back like loans or planning to buy something before he tells me, secret credit cards the list goes on and on!
I did think all this was part if married life, putting up with people's quirks or working through the bad and good times. But I found myself constantly on edge knowing there is a pattern , even times if the year he would be up to something. Previously 5 years ago I would find interesting sites he had visited on our PC on the history, this alerted me to check further. Then he bought an iPhone meaning he could use the Internet anywhere and I knew it would be hard to find anything out But I knew deep down in my heart he would be up to something .. He drinks quiet a bit each evening and I think sometimes he gets complacent hence me finding out about MarruedAffair.com.
I lived in fear of what next, knowing something was/is going on and it ate away at me along with the guilt of being a suspicious wife, Nuerotic some would say and I felt as though I was/ am the bady in the relationship for not trusting him.
I think I was relived if I was honest to have found the site with his photo and name, I realised after all these years my gut feeling that he wouldn't change was right and that no I wasn't going out of my mind, my instincts are all in tact.. There is so much more to him that meets the eye and finding his profile by pure flook really is the best thing to happen, as much as it breaks my heart and family life will be torn apart and he will find away to make life as difficult as possible for me( without evidence, enough to make me look the baddy and crazy) we will pay for his constant betrayal as the thought of me having anything even my rightful share if the house will eat away at him soon badly .
Guess that's another story?
Will take the copies of everything

[badinage]

Yes take the printouts - all of them. It'll be a big folder, if you incude all his holiday blogs and other dating site stuff you mentioned on another thread, in addition to this latest sex site stuff.

No-one would think this behaviour is acceptable in a relationship. Your sons have never thought it was, which is why one of them alerted you years ago to his stepdad's hidden phone. The lawyer certainly won't think it's acceptable. His or her job will be to get you the best divorce settlement possible - and lawyers are immune to slippery characters and know all their tricks.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

You are very thorough badinage lol thank you for reading both my threads?
That's why I listened to what you have to say, harsh and true but you read through that's good xx

[badinage]

Yes I did read them and as far as I can recall, not one person had a different reaction. Everyone was justifiably horrified at what you've been putting up with for so many years.

One of the first thoughts the lawyer will have is 'why has it taken her so long to come?' but the thing is, better late than never. I promise you that the people who care for you will be cheering and raising flags when you finally get rid of this tosspot.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

Lol I left that thread because I felt people thought it was nothing, I wrote a fresh in because I realised I needed help to get out if this and find a way out xx
Even now I do feel as though I am making a mole out if a mole hill
,

[badinage]

Do you want me to link it if I can find it again? I didn't see it at the time, but I name-checked you because someone on this one mentioned another thread. I can't remember anyone saying his behaviour was anything less than appalling though.

[xxdriftwoodxx]

It's ok, I don't want people in king I am wallowing in self pity,thank you x

[badinage]

Well I've just found it and re-read it again and as I rightly recalled, everyone said his behaviour was horrendous and you needed to get out as quickly as possible. I'm mystified at why you thought that posters thought it was 'nothing'. If anything, they were even more excoriating about his behaviour on that thread, especially as you gave more details on that one of your son and your friend's attempts to get you to act.