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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just found out my husband has had an affair

78 replies

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 03:14

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

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Twogoodreasons · 05/02/2013 03:28

So sorry that you are going through this. You will get lots of help and support on here. I think he needs to be totally honest and upfront now if he really wants to save the marriage.

Are you still talking?

izzyizin · 05/02/2013 03:30

Of course you don't know what to think; all you know at the present time is that your h has committed adultery, has lied through his teeth both during and after his affair (if it has, in fact, ended), and is most probably continuing to lie to you about the full extent of his duplicity.

Was the letter addressed to you? Has it come from the ow or an anonymous source?

Damash12 · 05/02/2013 03:39

Ahh poor you, this is tough, did you suspect anything then? Is the marriage otherwise good?? One thing is for certain,some little shit is now sitting back waiting for your reaction to this letter. Don't give them too much satisfaction too soon unless you think they have truly done bit with your best interests at heart rather than a way to force your hand if they are a dumped ow with a grudge to bear. Either way he needs to man up and open up and give you the honesty you fully deserve.

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 03:51

It seems that her husband found out about it last octboer time, so the affair stopped. He says he wants to make our marriage work? We have had issues recently - in fact last summer, I braved up and told him I thought there was something wrong in our relationship, we weren't as close anymore etc, but he denied it. At Xmas it flared up again, and he admitted that he wasn't happy but wanted to try. On both occasions i asked him if there was someone else and he said no. When he told me at Xmas that he wasn't happy, and though he was "very fond" of me, didn't know if he loved me, I was devastated. I also recognised that because of how I've been feeling in our relationship, I'd probably withdrawn some affection from him. I told him at this time, that to be honest I'd got to a place where i thought however I behaved toward him didn't bother him anymore, and that I was SO sorry for that and would work SO ard to show him that I love him. And that's what I've been doing, until today.

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Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 03:57

at 1am this morning he said that he had to sleep, and asked me to come with him. We talked a bit more, but then he went to sleep, and now I'm sitting here not understanding how he can do that knowing the pain that I'm in.

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Twogoodreasons · 05/02/2013 04:00

I would not be happy with that either. Do you really think the affair ended in October?

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:02

I just don't know. I don't know what to think, what to do...

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:12

What a terrible shock to find out in such a nasty way.

From what you've said, it seems obvious that the affair didn't end last October and was still going on at Christmas, going by what he said to you about not being happy.

The issues you were experiencing were almost definitely because of his affair and nothing else. At some point you will feel very angry that he lied when you tried to sort things out and made you feel as though it was your effort that was lacking. The way you were feeling was merely a response behaviour to his distance, I would have thought.

The norm I'm afraid is to lie and minimise in the early hours and days. This is why it went from 1 to 3. The truth is probably something very different.

The going to sleep thing is manipulative. It's to get a break from the questions so that he can think before incriminating himself further.

My suggestion is to ask him to leave while you get your head around it all.

The main thing is none of this is your fault so what ever excuses he comes up with, this was his decision and one you had no part in.

Twogoodreasons · 05/02/2013 04:14

If it was me, I would be asking him to leave so that I could decide what to do. I would also be making it very clear that if he really does want to make the marriage work - he has to be completely open and honest about everything. Any subsequent lies and revelations would make any prospect of rebuilding the trust impossible.

The fact that he is so distant and that someone has now decided to tip you off suggests to me that this affair is still ongoing.

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:20

By the way, if you want to get to the truth, check his phone now he's asleep, and his laptop if he has one. Check any phone bills too if he gets them. If you find information on there that doesn't back up what he's saying, don't tell him what you know. See if he volunteers that information when you speak tomorrow and if he lies to you again, tell him you know far more than he thinks and the relationship is over.

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:21

Ok, I know that this is going to sound utterly pathetic, but I really do think he loves me? The only reason that he admitted his feelings at Xmas was because I pushed him by getting upset and asking him outright if he really loved me. Right now, again, this sounds pathetic, I just can't face the though of him walking out of the door. He says he doesn't want to do that, but would understand If that's what I need.

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Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:24

No, I don't need to check anything, for reasons that I can't go into (I'm sorry, i know that sounds cryptic) the letter I received contained train tickets, documentation of emails and calls etc. So I think other than the sordid facts, I have all the others.

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:25

Yes he probably does love you. Men having affairs often still love their wives very much. It's got nothing to do with that. It's that the affair was in a different box quite separate to his feelings for you. All that talk about unhappiness and being only fond of you was the affair talking, not the real truth.

Can you access his things? You really need to because he isn't telling you the truth and you'll go mad trying to get it from him.

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:26

I think you need some way of finding out when this affair started and whether it's still going on. Who sent the letter? Her husband?

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:27

ok, having read that I need to clarify just a little more. The letter that came today was big, very official looking and had to be signed for. it was addressed to him, but for some reason, i had a huge sense of for boding (picture one of those guys that makes you sign for legal documents cos your house is being reposed) and therefore opened it. When I phoned him, i said "a letter came today and I think you know what's in it" and he said he did. when he came home, he said he knew he was going to have to tell me, but hadn't found the strength.

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:28

So it was her then?

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:29

no his work.

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Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:30

i don't know how much it's safe to post on here

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:31

You don't have to say, but why would his work be sending him this? Has he been disciplined for having an affair with a colleague?

How are you going to verify what he's telling you is the truth kim?

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:32

Is there a private thread chat din?

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Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:32

i mean Cin

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:34

I don't know, but you can click message poster by my name on my posts and send me a private message if you want.

lollystix · 05/02/2013 04:34

One of his colleagues sent you this? Is the OW at all connected with his work?

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 04:35

If it was work, is it a disciplinary matter too?

Original poster
kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:36

Yes, the OW is connected with his work and yes he is facing disciplinary action. Which is why I feel scared posting all of this, but am in desperate need of some support.

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