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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I've just found out my husband has had an affair

78 replies

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 03:14

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

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kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 09:08

ok. He's known about the disciplinary since beginning of december I think. He has already told me more than what work knows, according to the pages of 'evidence' i have in front of me. He got up at 8am, went in the shower, came into the kitchen, put his hand on my arm, kissed my head in a loving way (but not as if nothing terrible had happened) and said he had to go to work (not where she is). I asked him once more to not leave me not knowing the truth and he said I know everything. I asked him when he'd be home and he said the meeting he has to head is not an all day thing. I asked him how did i know he wasn't going to be in contact with her, and he said I didn't know that. and he understood what a terrible feeling that must be for me, but he wasn't going to contact her. And then he left for work.

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Amouage · 05/02/2013 09:46

What a way to leave you sitting there by yourself. That is just cruel. He is clearly avoiding any chance to sit down and open up, he probably hopes you will be satisfied with his answers and that time willwear you down.

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HeyHoHereWeGo · 05/02/2013 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MortifiedAdams · 05/02/2013 11:11

He has told you about the affair because he had to
He has tried to satisfy you with "just once" and has bargained with you up to "three times"
He has avoided direct and frank discussion with you last.night by going to sleep
He has avoided direct and frank discussion today by saying he has a meeting
He has lied.numerous times to you over the past seven months about if there was anyone else
He has disregarded his.marriage and his career to sleep regularly with another woman - whilst I dont doubt that he loves you, he must have pretty strong feelings foe.her to do this

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kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 11:19

On a plus note (If I want to believe he REALLY doesn't want to give up on us and is telling the truth when he says he made a terrible mistake), he has told me stuff that he hasn't shared in the disciplinary, he talked solidly with me for 6/7 hours before saying he needed to sleep because of the meeting today (and I know about this meeting - it IS very important).
Last summer when I confronted him with a problem in our marriage, i gave him the option of leaving, and he categorically said no. He is still saying that at no point was his plan ever to leave me?

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CartedOff · 05/02/2013 11:30

He seems to be saying that as a defence, but I've never really seen it as a good one. He wanted to have his cake and eat it and wanted things to stay comfortable for him...but he'd risk it all for sex. I know it can mean "I love you and our family and would never give that up" but it can also mean "I didn't want to live in a grotty bedsit somewhere and pay maintenance and deal with the hard bits".

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AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 12:52

Many men who have affairs and blow their lives to smithereens never wanted to leave their wife. They wanted it all instead. Excitement with new women to pursue and shag, domestic little wifey and children at home. At the expense of the emotional well being of everyone around them.

The utter act of selfishness.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 05/02/2013 13:12

Oh crap

My DH was one of those selfish "eating his cake" cheaters.

Your ONLY chance of saving the marriage (if you want it) is to ask him to give you time and space for you to consider your future and process your feelings. Loss is the only thing that motivate cheaters - loss of his home, family and home comforts may lead him to fight to win you back.

I know that you will want things to stay the same but the reality is that he has caused this huge bombshell and nothing will ever be the same

If he fights for you and you want to take him back - he needs to be 100% honest and transparent, be willing to talk about the affair, answer questions and go to therapy/do some reading to address his issues and character failings.

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cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 13:15

I can believe he never wanted to leave you, but there could be many reasons for that. It could be because there was no alternative, or it could have been because he saw this affair as a separate thing entirely.

The more relevant question is whether he wanted the OW to leave her husband for him and whether she was offering to. If he did and she wouldn't, that means he was staying with you for practical reasons. Whereas if she was offering to leave and he was deterring her on the grounds that he would never leave you or the children to be with her, that lends more weight to his attachment to you.

This is a very selfish man though. Rather than sit down with you in December when he knew the game was up, he let this get to the point where you found out in horrible circumstances and while you were on your own, without any support nearby. He then put his own needs first again - for sleep and this meeting. If he'd been laid low by an incapacitating illness, he couldn't have gone to work. He chose to go this morning rather than face further questions and deal with your agony.

It's really important that you find some way of verifying or disproving what he's telling you. He needs to give you free access to his phone (including any spares), laptop and phone bills. If he's telling the truth about dates and times, these will back him up so there should be no reason for secrecy.

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GoogleBun · 06/02/2013 18:12

Why are work sending him on a very important meeting when he is currently undergoing a serious disciplinary? I'd have thought they would send someone else if his future with the company is uncertain?

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ThePinkOcelot · 06/02/2013 18:38

Hi Kim, so sorry you are going through this. Would you feel more comfortable on Off the Beaten Track? If so, you could ask for your thread to be moved there. xxx

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ImperialBlether · 06/02/2013 19:22

I wondered that too, Google. Surely they will be limiting what he does - I'm amazed he's not suspended, albeit on full pay, while they investigate.

Does he deal with money? I wondered whether they were worried that he and she were trying to defraud the company.

Let's face it, if everyone who had an affair at work had treatment like that, there would be a lot of jobs on offer. It seems very, very unusual.

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AnyFucker · 06/02/2013 20:30

any updates, OP ?

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Hissy · 06/02/2013 21:36

You poor thing Kimberley how awful for this to happen, and how. My heart goes out to you.

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kimberly111 · 07/02/2013 08:08

Well, he's still here. We have talked and talked, I think he is being totally honest with me now, and I can genuinely see his remorse and regret for the first time.
We have told the children - they are teenagers, and have to know as they may be about to lose their home. They are both doing fine - both want him to stay, both love him very much, though obviously feel betrayed too. They are safe, and staying with their dad for now, until I have more strength to support them, but god I'm missing them. My husband has been their step dad for over a decade, since they were very little, so he really is like a second father to them.
They know that they can come home whenever they are ready, but both feel at the moment, the sensible thing to do is give us space - they are both incredibly special kids, and I feel SO crappy for allowing this to happen in their lives.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2013 08:23

Please do not blame yourself.

He is the one who chucked this bombshell - not you.

He made the choice to cheat, to betray you and DC. I hope he will look into himself to find out what issues and flaws made him choose to behave in this way. Individual therapy is probably the best way of doing this.

I would recommend getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you both to read.

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kimberly111 · 07/02/2013 12:57

Thanks Mad. Yes, he has already started therapy, in the new year when he admitted he wasn't sure about wether he loved me, before this bombshell hit. He had a session yesterday, and he specifically brought up his lying and that he wants to understand why he does it so that it can stop.
The hardest thing for me at the moment, is that one minute I'm understanding of the terrible situation he's got himself, and us into, and feel compassion for what he is going through - then I suddenly switch to thinking about him with HER...telling her he loved her, telling her how special she was and it just makes my insides shrivel up, makes me sweaty, angry and so sad.

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Dahlen · 07/02/2013 13:03

Whether or not someone decides to forgive their partner's affair and work on rebuilding the marriage is down to the individual to decide. However, I would consider it a complete waste of time unless the response from the cheating partner is nothing less than complete and utter honesty, remorse and acceptance that it will take time to fix - not a few earnest conversations, vague agreements to be nicer to each other and 'it working both ways', and then life pretty much returning to normal. Lying or blaming in any form whatsoever means that the only remorse the cheater has is about being caught.

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AThingInYourLife · 07/02/2013 13:08

Why the compassion?

He is in a situation entirely of his own making.

He has treated you like a piece of shit and is only remorseful now that he has been caught.

You seem to agree with him that he is the real person in your marriage and that you exist merely to support his inflated view of himself and his own importance.

You only know that he had this girlfriend because he was so indiscreet that it is basically public knowledge.

Do you really think this was his first affair?

He sounds more like a philanderer to me.

"He had a session yesterday, and he specifically brought up his lying and that he wants to understand why he does it so that it can stop."

FFS what a fucking cop out!

How can you stand to listen to such self-indulgent crap?

He lies because he wants to, because it suits him!

He has taken no responsibility for what he's done if he's peddling shite like that at counselling and then parroting it back to you.

That means the remorse is fake too, BTW.

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practicality · 07/02/2013 15:10

He is hanging around because you are his only source of security right now.

Love isn't what somebody says - it's how they choose to treat you.

Are these loving actions? Do you feel loved by what he has done.? So quit simpering.

You need to grow a backbone. Stop putting up with his shit. Start getting angry about what he has done to you and switch the focus away from this entitled,self-serving,manipulative little creep.

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Abitwobblynow · 07/02/2013 15:38

Kimberley if he never wanted to leave you, read up on 'split self affair'.

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Xales · 07/02/2013 15:50

I'm afraid I think that telling your DC was wrong. What did you actually tell them? The nitty gritty or just that your H was in trouble at work and may lose his job? I don't think they needed to know any of this until the matter was resolved one way or the other.

However it is your choice, your children and your decision.

You seem extremely calm and to use your own words very understanding about this. Do you think you are in shock and functioning on auto pilot? It has only been two days. It is like you are remaining calm as you don't want to bother your H with your real feelings and emotions. Considering the way he went off to sleep and then sodded of to his meeting that was more important than the woman asking for help who he had dumped a massive bombshell on I wonder if you have to do this a lot in your relationship.

It is very early days. Make sure you take care of yourself first and foremost. Your H is an adult who made these decisions he is not as important as you right now.

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adkinsfamily · 07/02/2013 16:01

me and my husband have been through an affair and drug addiction.
I guess, the best I can say without going into 10 yrs of marriage and ups n downs, if you can't be without him and will wake up every morning missing him, and really think about it. because just because someone's married don't mean their in-love or can't live without each other. if you can'y breathe without him keep him sweety!
I can't live without my man, he is my breathe. we've been through affairs and addiction, trust me i know how you feel. if he's sorry, give him a try. and if you have to leave for a while to parents house or something, give a man time to think( the whole you dont know what you've got til it's gone perspective thought) let him come crying back and if he tells you in tears he can't live without you...keep him. it was a mistake your his girl!

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Skyebluesapphire · 07/02/2013 16:08

I agree that you need to think about what you want, its not all about what he wants. and he doesn't deserve your compassion as he didnt show any for you when he was having his affair.

My XH announced that he no longer loved me and that was after his head was full of OW. You need to be sure that it is over and you need to be sure about what you want for the future

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Charbon · 07/02/2013 16:21

Kimberley this is why it is good advice to get some separation and breathing space, because seeing the person you love in such turmoil messes with your head and stops you focusing on your own battles. You see, what you are seeing now is not genuine sorrow or contrition, although it might look like it. What you are actually seeing is self-pity and self-absorption.

Hard as it must be to see the wood for the trees at the moment, try to think logically. If this affair ended in October and he'd regretted it and the harm it had done, you would have seen that in his actions and in his words. If in December when he was informed that he was subject to a disciplinary, the enormity of his actions would have hit home then, especially if the affair was done and dusted. There would have been enormous guilt and regret for a) having the affair and b) jeopardising your home.

What did he do instead at that point in December?

He told you what was actually in his head. That his feelings for you had changed and he wasn't sure whether he loved you.

How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.

Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's.

You didn't do anything to create this, so please stop feeling irrational guilt towards your children.

My advice is to get some space from him now and let the children come home.