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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I've just found out my husband has had an affair

78 replies

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 03:14

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

OP posts:

Report

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:39

Ok, well none of that's really important, except of course he's risked your livelihood as well as your marriage.

So Kim, what other information is available to you to find out more about the affair, other than from him?

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:40

There isn't any other way i don't think? And he has been more open than he's ever been with me before, though i recognise that he had no choice.

OP posts:

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:42

He's not telling the truth though Kim. It didn't end in October if he was saying those things at Christmas. You know it was going on in the summer before you raised your issues, don't you?

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:43

yes he's told me that

OP posts:

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:44

If you've only had copies of communications while at work, they will have used other ways to communicate which is why I suggested his personal phone/laptop.

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:46

I've checked his phone and there's nothing on it. i wouldn't know where to start with his laptop. His work have gone through his emails, and theres only 3. I'm fully aware that he may have another private email account, but would have no idea how to find it or if I did, get into it.

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debtherat · 05/02/2013 04:47

Never heard of a workplace doing this so formally. Maybe they were misusing company time/systems/expenses to conduct their affair? In any case he needs to act swiftly to deal with work. What a way for you to find out... poor you. I would check his phone and emails ASAP before he gets chance to delete/hide. Unbelievable that he is asleep! You need to prepare yourself for some sleepless nights and get your husband to talk... he owes you hugely - and explanations and not blame. Hope you can talk honestly and openly with each other.

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 04:48

Just sending you a steady hand hold Kimberly. I suspect there are a lot of questions you have that you can't answer.

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 04:49

For it to matter this much to work, it has to be the wife of a bigwig there or, much more worryingly, does he work with people to whom he has a duty of care?

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 04:51

Check all the folders on the phone Kim. Google how to find e mail accounts on a device. It's quite simple but I can't remember how right now.
I've got to get on with something now Kim, but I'll pop back later to see how you're doing. Keep your fluids up, even if you can't eat. Get your husband to go out and buy some rescue remedy. You're in shock. If you're cold with it, have a long hot bath. My heart aches for you when you do sleep and wake up for the first time. I remember it well

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:54

homebird PLEASe don't ask - no, not a bigwig, but i'm already shit scared that i've started this thread. What i can say is that no one has been abused, this was a mutual thing between two consenting adults.

OP posts:

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 04:55

and the husband (who apparently is very controlling), has found out and is making him suffer everyway he can - hence reporting to work.

OP posts:

cincodemayo · 05/02/2013 05:01

Just one last post from me for now. Don't pay too much heed to the stuff about the husband being controlling. That's what all damsels in distress who are having affairs always say about their husbands. It's more likely that she promised the affair was over when he found out, he's since found out that it's still going on and so he blew the whistle on them as a way to make it (and his pain) stop. Don't be too hard on him. He's been just as badly treated as you. He's entitled to hate your husband for what he's done to his life.

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 05:50

Deep breath Kimberly. Any idea what you want, now this moment, not in the future?

Do you want a few days to think? Do you want to accept an apology and pretend for a while that all is well? Do you want him to leave? Do you just wish your whole life wasn't so ? Do you want to stand by your man?

If you can work out what you want to happen instantly then you can make a start on that and buy yourself some real time for the shock to wear off. None of those options stop another course of action later on.

I think people are right and there is much more to this than what he has admitted to. Are you the sort of person to take swift and decisive action, or is your choice to take your time and work through the options?

Can you manage to snatch a couple of hours rest even if you can't sleep? It sounds as if you're going to need all your strength whichever way this goes.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 05/02/2013 06:01

My thoughts? Of she ended it he could still have been saying those things at Xmas, he is likely to have been devastated.

So he knew it was being sent?

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 06:41

My heart is saying stay with him, believe that he is sorry, support him, whether or not he loses his job (and we lose our home). My head is saying don't be such a stupid cow, of COURSE he's telling me he's sorry, he may be about to lose his job.

OP posts:

ladymariner · 05/02/2013 06:45

How awful for you, and what a terrible way to find out. He needs to be totally honest with you, bad enough he's betrayed you but to risk your home too.....sending you a hand to hold and I'm sure people will be along with really helpful advice xx

Abitwobblynow · 05/02/2013 06:49

Kimberley, MN is a very safe place and you are with people who really do know what you are going through. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

My H also had an affair with a co-worker (he was her boss).

At the moment, he is living his own consequences.

Deep breaths, a moment at a time.

kimberly111 · 05/02/2013 06:53

thanks everyone. I still can't truly believe this is happening. I tried explaining last night that I felt i was having to fight for every bit of info from him, and if he genuinely wanted to save our marriage he would just tell me everything I need to know, but I just have a gut feeling that he's not.

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kalidanger · 05/02/2013 07:06

I suppose he's in the difficult (self inflicted obviously) position of his work knowing 57% of the details only, so he feels that you only have to know 57% as well. The absolute bare minimum he can get away with. If you decide to support him you can demand the whole 100% so you have all the information and can make an informed decision. Otherwise he's just going to be a lying liar, lying to work, lying to you and being stuck with those lies for ever more. Probably at the cost of his livelihood AND his marriage. What a fucking idiot.

Homebird8 · 05/02/2013 07:23

Is he awake yet? How is he behaving? Ready to talk? Honestly this time? If you don't have the truth I don't know how you can do what your heart tells you and back him. Tell him that. This has to be you two together, or he has to go.

Amouage · 05/02/2013 07:25

Hi Kimberly, I am in a similar situation to you. My husband is an uncaring sleazebag who feels the need to abuse my trust in every way possible. I don't have as much hard proof as you do but I am too in a situation where I wonder how much is a lie and how much has actually happened. I am unsure how much I can trust him when he tells me something because it seems that he is still cobering up the majority of his 'friendships'.

He too had 'coffees' or whatever else with a local girl when living abroad, then tried to get her hired while I sat at home with a toddler and a young baby in a foreign country, thousands of miles from home without any help wondering how to cope as he was 'working' such long hours often travelling for business...

I am very sorry you have found out about this in such a shocking way. I think you just need to brace yourself for more news to emerge. Only by his reaction can you gauge how much he wants to make you and him work again.

The fact that he has gone to sleep while you are in bits does not bode well. To move on and work on the relationship he needs to be honest about what has happened and show remorse and willingness to work on himself.

I will follow your thread and hope you will get more help from other posters, just wanted to say I read your thread and that you are not alone.

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Amouage · 05/02/2013 07:27

My H also has to have every morsel of info extracted from him whichmeans he is still not telling me the whole story. I dread to think why...this has opened a can of worms.

Amouage · 05/02/2013 07:30

My H also has to have every morsel of info extracted from him whichmeans he is still not telling me the whole story. I dread to think why...this has opened a can of worms.

Xales · 05/02/2013 07:57

Seriously this man has been lying yo you, cheating on you, is going through a disciplinary at work.

Yet he is upstairs sleeping like a baby while your world is torn apart and shattered.

Does that seem remorseful or sorry to you?

Also remember when you are being told what a controlling bastard her H is all the things he would have said you are while they bonded in their desire to shag. Take it with a large punch of salt.

I expect there had been a lot more than the encounters you have been told about.

He will also have known about the disciplinary a few days. Wonder if he would have told you anything if you didn't open that letter?

Also if he is not made to leave the job will they still be working together?

Please go to an STI clinic and use all the support and help you can at this time.

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