I've just found out my husband has had an affair

[kimberly111]

I found out today (through a letter in the post) that my husband had an affair last year. To cut a very long story very short, he firstly admitted to one sexual encounter with her, which so far through the evening and mounted up to three. He says he stopped seeing here last october, and he wants to make our marriage work, but I don't know what to think

Often a shocked partner feels that if their spouse leaves, they still might have questions that will remain unanswered. So a good way of meeting the need to get answers while not having to see the tears and experience the tangential nature of these conversations when face-to-face, is to communicate by E mail.

This will focus your mind and his and it will also be a helpful aide-memoire when the story changes later on.......as it inevitably does. You might feel you've got all the initial answers you need, but you really haven't. E mailing questions and answers doesn't have to be a one-off either, you can do this several times when a question pops into your head.

The responses can also form the basis of future face-to-face discussions, but right now I think you need to put your own needs first and get away from this pity party he's staging.

Yes I think the DC need to come home to you, and he needs to leave to give you all space to heal together.

"How somebody feels about their actions before they get found out is far more relevant to what they say they feel after.
Right now, he is sorry that work caught him out and he's sorry that you intercepted that letter before him. All his feelings now are for himself and the mess he's made of his life, not yours or the children's."

• oh boy, that is about the toughest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you Charbon.