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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken and struggling to cope

781 replies

Chaoscarriesonagain · 29/12/2012 18:25

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 30/12/2012 22:48

May i make a suggestion Chaos..

I'm 4 months down the line from you, but whenever my mind started thinking of 'good times' (sic) with my XP, i would read a list of the major problems and things he had done, that i carried with me.. it helped to eliminate any rose tints wanderings, and kept my feet on solid ground.

Could you write a few of the negative things down, and keep it with you, it can really help.

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 30/12/2012 23:00

Yes I'll try that, won't be easy

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dequoisagitil · 30/12/2012 23:03

You've got a start with your first post:

Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

Expand on this. Think about all the times he failed to live up to his promises, the pushing, the bruises, the emotional abuse. Write down some of those incidents, the little ones, the bigger ones.

Jellykat · 30/12/2012 23:19

Another thing i found is that i had things i felt i still needed to say, but because i knew there was no point in saying any of it, and to do so would mean engaging with him, they regurgitated around and around in my head.. If i wrote them down too, in a notebook, i could stop thinking about them. IYSWIM

You can see this through, you're stronger then you've been made to think you are Chaos.

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 04:22

Thank you, it's so difficult to reason with him as he never sees the fault in his own actions.

Yet again I can't sleep but somehow I feel better tonight. I have started reliving some things in my head; the good, and inter twining these thoughts with how something bad always preceded.

I don't want to hate him, am not a hateful character. I have love for him and I hope for him that he acknowledges his behaviour and that he can have a happy life. He was, in the beginning, the love of my life. He grew into someone I became tearful of and someone who as seconds away from bring my darling boyfriend to in a deep rage and to someone I didn't recognise at all.

Admitting everything has been so hard. Warring with myself and others about the troubles and what was right and what wasn't hurts. I feel a need to defend in some ways his good side. But it was just that, a side.

I have stopped crying now. Tonight will be extremely hard. My life with him couldn't have sustained.

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tribpot · 31/12/2012 08:07

You don't have to have hate for him but you have to have a stronger love for your own self than you do for his lame poor-me-I-have-demons routine. Hate may be a shorter route to get you to that place.

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 08:16

I think so! I never want to ever feel as low as I have done again.

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Jellykat · 31/12/2012 15:25

Chaos - be honest sweetheart, did you manage to stand firm, or did you meet him today?

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 15:37

I met him. I am glad I did

We went for a walk.

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Allergictoironing · 31/12/2012 15:41

Chaos sweetie PLEASE tell me that you aren't even thinking about going back to this physical and emotional abuser?

amillionyears · 31/12/2012 15:42

And?

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 15:51

No. Am not.

I felt u couldn't accept things the way they turned our. We met in neutral ground, swapped stuff and went for a walk.

It is a beautiful afternoon and we strolled along and just talked honestly about his behaviour and temper, which he has agreed to address. We spoke about how I felt my life had become a drudge and that we didn't do enough together. I spoke about honestly how difficult I'd found Jekyll and Hyde, the change in him and about the honest love I still have.

He hugged me, held my hand (odd) and we seemed to make peace with the situation.

I'll never go back , but I feel some good has come out of it if he may address these issues. At the end of the day, despite everything, I love him and want the best for him. As incredulous as it may sound

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Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 15:51

He's definitely coping better than me

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Allergictoironing · 31/12/2012 16:00

He is probably coping better than you because he doesn't love you as much as you love him - if he did, he wouldn't have treated you like he did.

Wanting the best for him (which may not be the same as what he wants) is a fair and good thing to wish for, vengence is rarely as sweet as we imagine it will be.

Hang in there girl, remember the times he's been nice before then back to nasty, and re-read this thread if you start wavering. But you do seem to be very determined now that you won't Smile

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:02

That's just it. Time will tell.

It's hard with the mutual friends too. I hope j don't break at midnight. I still crave him even though there's no return

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Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:07

Am just at a loss without him! Why are my heart strings like this, I feel pathetic!

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Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:13

Him being there comforted me so much. I feel am in a better place for it. This all feels so wrong?

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amillionyears · 31/12/2012 16:14

Well at least you know there is no return.

Of course he is coping better than you!
He doesnt love or even like you anywhere near the same as you do to him.

You have got to build a new life without him.
Do you have plans about that?

Jellykat · 31/12/2012 16:15

I really don't mean to be patronising Chaos, but sometimes they're experts at saying what they think you want to hear.

He's left you today with promises of addressing his issues and cosy hand holding. In other words a gentle rosy memory to remember.. it's dangerous territory.

If you do weaken at midnight (he wont be in the same place as you i hope) some of us will be here..

amillionyears · 31/12/2012 16:15

What if wants your help to rebuild him.
What then?
His mum is manipulative. He is probably too.
He may use that to get you back.

amillionyears · 31/12/2012 16:17

You have taken the first step back.

Allergictoironing · 31/12/2012 16:18

Try doing what I do on NYE - watch a good film, then go to bed early with a sleeping aid & ignore the whole bloody thing about it being New Year.

If you were at the angry stage, or at least less sad, then it's a good time to look forward at how good life is going to be without the abuse. But you're still grieving & miserable, so it may be a subject to avoid altogether otherwise you are likely to mope even more.

Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:19

I can't go back and I know that.

I love him and I see that be feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today. Yet he's still rejected me, and is continuing to do.

I feel low about feeling so high when I saw him. He's like a drug and I need more. I waited so long to meet someone like the old him. He knew all my history and he was my ever after. Or so I thought.

Re plans am still in shock and have no idea what to do. It's all so alien.

He's not here tonight, no. He's at mutual friends. Where am supposed to be.

I feel like breaking again! I could smile and laugh and feel peace when with him , why why why

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Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:21

I just wish he hadn't turned into who he is. And I can't change who he is.

I see elements of my old, handsome, and loving man.

I miss what we had

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Original poster
Chaoscarriesonagain · 31/12/2012 16:21

amillionyears I feel like making the peace has helped me accept his decision

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