Heartbroken and struggling to cope

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

When you meet him, you are not being with the old him.

Good I think.

I know , and it hurts knowing that. I felt me finally being honest with him about how I felt gave me some peace

He didn't turn into the person you left. He always was that person but disguised it at first to reel you in. That's why you were asked above if he had always had 'anger management' issues but mysteriously it seems he didn't in the first four months of your relationship. Can't imagine why that would be ...

" love him and I see that be feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today"

Please don't be a mug. He's said the right things, got you feeling sorry for him and now you think he's made a mistake??? Utter bollocks. I guarantee he won't be alone tonight when the clock chimes twelve. He'll have heaved a sigh of relief that he has extricated himself, come up smelling of roses and he won't think he has made a mistake in the slightest.

The cruellest part is that, even now, even after all the abuse, you persist in believing his 'poor me' line of crap. You should have gone to that meeting with a carving knife and used it.....

Read the wise words of Jellykat just above this - he knows exactly how to manipulate you and has done it again.

he feels he's made a mistake by his behaviour today - yes he made a mistake, that mistake being he pushed you that tiny bit too far the other day when you finally left him. Remember how long it lasts each time when he's nice, then how he behaves after that. Remember how who as seconds away from bring my darling boyfriend to in a deep rage and to someone I didn't recognise at all. Keep reading this thread.....

Cogito

tribpot, you could be right. Probably are.

If he snapped his fingers you'd go running back. [sigh]

I really want to shake some sense into you. He hurt you, he bruised you, he bullied you. He is not and was never your happy ever after.

OK maybe not a carving knife.... Seriously, just how bad does someone have to fuck you over before you get angry enough to kick him in the nuts OP rather than getting all misty-eyed about how good it is that they held your hand and aired their 'issues'?

Seriously...

Woah there Cogito - It's not as simple as that in many many abusive relationships..

On average it takes 5 attempts to leave.

Please don't treat Chaos as though she's being dim, she's fighting a battle which many many people fight and have fought, myself included, and i'm nearly twice her age.
It's really not as simple as just shutting a door and walking away, Chaos is being honest here and is struggling, its such early days, give her some credit please.

Woah there Jellykat. I'm not accusing Chaos of being dim in the slightest. I've given plenty of 'credit', support and advice up thread.... now I'm encouraging her to get angry. Something that is still missing so far.

That's how its coming across though Cogito, its reading in an aggressive way..

Chaos will be angry in time no doubt, but you can't really push for that IMO, it's only been 3 days.

Picture the bruises.....picture the abuse....picture a the life your children would have being scared of upsetting anyone for fear of their dad beating their mum up.

You have had a very lucky escape. The good thing is it doesn't look like he is trying to reel you back in because he didn't bother trying today and if you were giving off vibes that you are giving on here then I don't think it would have taken much.

He will be with someone else before you know it. These types of men know all the lines and so many women fall for it.

New year....new you!!

Remember your dad always knows best becuse he is a bloke and thinks like a bloke. A bloke knows a dickhead when they see one. Sometimes women don't or choose not to.

Dont let your dad down, your family down and more importantly yourself down by wasting more time contacting Mr Abuser. Cry, wallow, do whatever it takes but cut all contact....

Took me a good while tbh! It's hard to leave, your head can be proper messy turning a bastard into a nice guy when they nice for 20 minutes..., you need fire in your tummy, can you go find this? It helps lots!

Can you get to a counseller soon? Freedom programme if with or without abusive person? I swear I grew balls overnight and all

It was a bit late as I had left but it keeps me away, I detest him now, can read him like a book! Very helpful for the future also.

Are you ok Chaos?

I know how it feels and I agree with jellykat

This tbread is helping me too chaos. I am so relieved you posted.

We're here always xx

Right ladies. 2 gins later on an empty stomach and I've found my anger I needed to find.

1. I've lost sight of who I am whilst with him
2. I love him but if he feels the same he hasn't demonstrated it
3. I am allowing myself to lose dignity by continually reminding him how good it was and purposely not mentioning so much the bad
4. I am only focusing on him and not myself. Of course I care he gets help, but I am forgetting I am not eating and sleeping, I am crying and suffering
5. Mutual friend told me how he's coming over this evening and cooking dinner etc and is ''calm and collected and getting on with things"
6. I am not a heartless person and I have demonstrates considerable weakness here. I have allowed myself to care so much for someone who frankly is not showing in his actions that he feels the same

I don't have a clue what the future holds, but I know the only way is up from here.

I am compartmentalising my feelings now and will let him really know what life is like without me. As our mutual friend said, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He can now experience life without me, my cooking, cleaning and love. His inability to acknowledge the problem lies with himself may well leave him lonely a long time. Remarkably similar situation with his ex. When will he learn?

Am not pretending this is easy for me, it's hell but I now have to learn and not lose any more grace.

i love gin

Happy new year all, and thank you.

I should add to the people who have continually posted that you have been a lifeline. You've read where I've been weak and you've pushed for my honesty, the honesty I struggle to admit to those in RL.

I had to see this for what it is. This would never have ended well.

I will meet someone else in time and I'll ensure I don't make the same mistakes. To all of you out there in a similar situation , it's doable !!! Please join me in this unknown territory and begin the new year free from those who aren't capable of true love. We owe it to ourselves.

This is my 4th day of shit and its been 4 days too long. Am not saying there is a timeframe for this, but learn from my mistakes.

solesource so sorry you're going through this too. I hand jo good advice, am just going through the motions. Be honest with yourself first and tell someone. Once I saw the reaction I knew I couldn't patch it up any longer. You can do this too.

Happy new year.

It's still all about him, 'though, isn't it? He can only help himself, you (or anyone else) can't do it for him.

What do you want out of life? (But a clue by four - he can't give it to you). Make your life more than about a relationship. Make some resolutions for yourself :).

Yes , my post was about him but I've realised that, and am parking it right now

I have a tenancy to forget myself in all of this and that stops now

Honestly, I have no idea about my ideals for the next few weeks! I will keep busy and enjoy the incredible support I have had

It's gonna take a bit longer than 4 days but for four days you're doing fantastic.

Any thoughts on blocking him completely for a while or is that too much? I had to block mine completely, took 1.5 years, I believed a lot of his nonsense within that time frame, it's good to step back for a while.

Hurrah hurrah hurrah Chaos
Well done!

Attagirl :)

Blocked completely? Fucking done!!!!! I have my shit and my money, and apparently not very eloquent language!!!