Heartbroken and struggling to cope

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

That's just it really. DP and I have gone our seperate ways. He was perfect in the beginning .. Grew into aggressive, ill tempered and sometimes emotional abuser. It progressed into pushing me, bruises to boot etc. Yet after all this I didn't have the courage to leave. After a horrendous Christmas with MIL and my parents I cracked and told parents extent. Last night they helped me remove everything from our home together. His reaction was empty, infact he ran away.

I haven't eaten, I can't sleep, all I can think of is the love I have for him. I wish it could go , I feel like am in mourning. It goes against everything I believe in.

I am so lucky; everyone rallying round; all I want us to see him, smell him and kiss him. But he wanted to end the relationship; he blames me for awful MIL reaction to Christmas. I can't fathom out what to do. I want this man who never treated me right, I crave and desire him, against the best wishes if all friends and family.

I am really, really struggling.

Change your number !

Don't respond to him whatsoever. Seriously, you would be crazy to not take heed of all the advice you have been given from lots of people .

I just don't know. It's all I've wanted. But I know it won't change, and I won't go back x

You said it yourself: DP said all the right things, the things that made my heart warm and I miss hearing them and seeing him. But he could never back his words up by actions.

Seriously - why would you want empty flattery when you could be living a life of sincerity, either alone or with someone else? He said the things he needed to say to keep you on the hook.

First paragragh of tribpot's post.
I meant to comment on that earlier.
I go by what a person does, not what they say.
That way, it cuts out the charmers.

Talking is cheap.

Yes, talk is cheap! My father said thst nothing was backed up by actions!

I love your dad!

Ha ha! So amillionyears we've heard enough about me now! What's your story? Are you happy now?

I have been married for 25 years.

Sort of grew up in quite a male environment.
Noticed that some of them didnt quite live up to their image.
Noticed that it was best to go by what a person did, and ignore a lot of what they said.
Was wary and careful.
Did a lot of talking with my DH to be before I would agree to marry him. He had to change a few things about himself, else he knew I would not marry him.
I still consider myself fortunate. Nothing is really totally guaranteed when considering a partner.
I did notice that the way that he was brought up and the way I was brought up was remarkably similar.

I think that's what am looking for too!

We'll see what the future holds

Hi chaos, you said he was so angry-everything was your fault. So was wondering did he used to kick off before you had plans or had friends coming over/ going to friends together? Did you drift away from friends or lose confidence socially?
It's like Jekyll & Hyde.

People going up and down, moody, angry, hot then cold is emotionally draining and cruel.
Also he will probably be detatched from the break up by the sounds of things.
Time to think of you x

Everything you just said! He always harped on about 'confidence issues' I wondered if they were ever attention seeking.

He used to always get abnormally uptight and not reason ...

He treated me different at home than out. But he could also be very loving and caring. But not backed up by actions for any length if time.

He's just detached from reality. He is quite bratty and immature and if he doesn't get his own way he lashes out- always throwing something. Or he dies the ultimate coward cop out and runs away.

It's funny. My parent perhaps had an inkling something was wrong. But never this.

After the MIL Christmas Day debacle Boxing Day was hard. And he would split the blame between her and h. To contextualise if they were at my parents and MIL bang out of order . I suggested he, as the son have a quiet word. She blew up, they had a huge argument at my parents whilst we all stayed away. Mortifying. yet he doesn't see that she was BU , he is blinkered by her. Something happened when they were in the car for an hour going back to our house(not parents , my now previous residence!)

He was able to sit down and have lunch with this awful woman ;she has history and he threw her out last Christmas!! He told me not to come home to my house that night - even though she left.

My point is it was always my fault! Posted to early above ^^

... He was in a terrible mood that night and the following. Saying we were over, I too was a manipulative bitch and I engineered the situation!!

He was awful again on 28th and shirty on phone and even he came home, again storming out ! Saying it was me!

He argued then told me to fuck off out of the house ( he always says that). I cracked. I had seen my parents through the day and out on a show. As usual. I called them and admitted everything,

Because everything wouldn't fit in my car, and because if was his scores wish, even though I didn't want it, not did I want my parents to come up, they insisted. They had heard dribs and drabs about it, but never how serious, until then.

When they arrives he had come back from storming out and I think he was in shock. He was cold and heartless and rude and when my mother asked what his behaviour was about he blames my parents for not telling him about MIL behaviour. Always looking for some ken else to blane

Awful spelling (auto correct) but you get the idea

He sounds confused. And blinkered. And probably has some of her characteristics as well. And has probably been fed some wrong information by her. Also, his only family is his mother.
That actually may be quite relevant. Has it always been just the 2 of them.
Sounds like the relationship is quite stifling.

Also he is 34. Dont think he is ever going to quite escape his mothers clutches. They may be quite emotionally dependent on each other.
I know of a mother and daughter a bit like this. Although there are other relations, the daughter is quite terrified that the mum will die, and she will be left alone as she sees it.

Yes, yes and yes!

I don't know if he was ever capable of normal love

The father died 4 years ago. But she knows how to manipulate men, tried that one on my father!

Not surprised. I really want you to know that you will be fine. I know you will. You can't rationalise behaviour like that but it's obvious from your posts that you have all you need to get through all this. It will take time and you have to be strong.
Make a list of what you want. You need a goal now..little or big as long as achievable. Agree with others about doing other things too- halts the over and over-analysing. Just remember how far you have come in the last few days! Really well done

Thanks , olympic

The mind does love a rose tinted glasses thought or 10 at times like these!

Yes it does (rose ti.ted thoughts) and that is understandable. I think its pretty much what I did before going back to him or actually chasing him! What was it all about?! Just had zero confidence left and was completely drained. Honestly, it is all a huge learning experience that you will never ever repeat again.
Sorry to sound all know it all and pain in the arse like but you have to eat something soon if you havent already!!

Maybe cuppasoup?! Hope you get some sleep tonight too.

Oh yes, it's been awful. Everything's reminding me of us falling in love, the good bits.

I still haven't eaten but I've laughed my first laugh in days ...

I think I could, am drained now!