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Original poster

Just found out my friend 'with benefits' is actually married with an 8 week old

80 replies

Lovingsinglelife · 17/08/2011 23:20

I feel like shit. Have had this 'friend' for 5 years or so, he is gorgeous and always available when I feel in need of a shag, obviously been very intermitent over the years, between relationships for me. I met him on a night out and thought he was just a womaniser with a lot of women on the go, but he came over tonight and after we had slept with each other he told me this news, he says there isnt anyone else and he has turned over a new leaf but still wants me due to our 'history', he hadnt told me because he thought I would 'gouge his eyes out'. I told him obviously it was over, we would never see each other again. I just feel so bad for his poor wife, he had come and met me and my friends the weekend she gave birth. What is wrong with these men. Just upset really, the OW woman doesn''t always know.

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 17/08/2011 23:32

Are you considering letting his wife know? I know it's a very difficult time for her but she deserves to know the truth about her 'D'H doesn't she?

AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 23:34

How lovely of him to shag you, then tell you

Please do follow through with what you say, and don't be sweet talked into resuming your relationship with him

Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 17/08/2011 23:36

No, I wouldn't do that to her, the best thing I think I can do is never see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 17/08/2011 23:38

AF , I am disgusted, I won't, for me there is no emotional attachment so zero chance of sweet talking, I'm not upset for me, just feel bad for his wife and about his daughter.

OP posts:
cece · 17/08/2011 23:39

You did the right thing but I don't think telling his wife at this time will be the best thing to do .

AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 23:45

Personally, I would find a way to rattle him

Not necessarily to tell his wife, just to make sure that you are thinking about it

Or send him a letter saying you have an STI and you recommend he gets tested

Or that a friend of yours who knows his wife has seen you together and is threatening to spill

No-one would get away with lying to me like this. So he lied by omission. It's still lying. And he has made you be a potential partner in wrecking a marriage and shitting on a little baby's mother. Yes he did it. but he involved you, like a chess piece in his own cruel drama.

I would not forgive him. I would not just chalk it up to experience. and walk away. I would make him squirm, if only for a while.

But that's me. < shrug >

tallwivglasses · 17/08/2011 23:51

What AF said.

Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 17/08/2011 23:55

Ok this is going to sound bad but I really know nothing about him, I don't know where he lives and I don't know his wifes name, I only know where he works as he is in the CID. I have only been seeing him again the past few months after a break up for me and we have always practiced safe sex. He is very good at covering his tracks and to be honest as I never saw him as relationship material I haven't been interested in knowing that much, we talk about hobbies, friends etc, he knows all of mine, what a wanker. I just think it's really sad.

OP posts:
GaramMasalaGirl · 17/08/2011 23:59

What a disgusting excuse for a man. Not too sure about telling his wife but please do one of AF's suggestions. Teach the dirty fucker a lesson!

nickschick · 18/08/2011 00:01

Him being in the CID is even worse Angry im not cross with you I just think you should know your shag buddies better ......he's an absolute twat and no doubt is shagging around all over the place...perhaps he hasnt even got a wife??

A policeman in our local force got sacked after having sex with a vulnerable person (not suggesting you are vulnerable or that he took advantage of any situation clearly it was mutual agreement).

Draw a line under it and move on.

bellabelly · 18/08/2011 00:01

YOU have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't know. He, on the other hand, should be hanging his head in shame.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2011 00:02

CID you say ?

Oh, lots of fun to be had with that.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2011 00:03

Not all STI's are 100% prevented by condoms

lachesis · 18/08/2011 00:07

Arsehole. I had a boyfriend like this. He had been separated from his wife for 2 years and even showed me the legal separation papers. I'd been to his house loads of time. I went to Europe for about 3 weeks and he continued to see me.

Then I found out from his mate that his wife had moved back in.

Wanker! He came to my house as if nothing were amiss. Filthy liar!

I threw him out and that was that.

Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 18/08/2011 00:09

Again, I will probably sound cold, when we first met I did really like him but then I realized he was a player and over the years he has become nothing more than someone I like to sleep with in-between relationships, yes I could go to his work and say/do something but my feeling is I am sure he will get caught out eventually. AF I know re STD's but he knows I am clear, I got tested for everything when I suspected my ex cheated and he knows there has been no one else.

OP posts:
maxinefan · 18/08/2011 00:13

Simply move on and don't tell his wife she may or may not find out but thats for her to find out.
However if you are oulled over for doing 34 in a 30 mph zone mname drop him into the conversation and see what reaction you get

AnyFucker · 18/08/2011 00:14

No, he doesn't know that, like you don't know everything about him

Just that seed of doubt would be enough

Anyway, it seems you want to just slink away, and that's up to you of course

No man would treat me like that though, and get away with it

Actually, you won't like this, but look at this another way. Perhaps you have been dumped. The wife and baby is a lie to get shut of you in the tidiest and most convenient way possible. he knows you would be disgusted with him and not cause a fuss.

Still happy to slink away in that scenario ? (which is just as likely as the one he has fed you)

ballstoit · 18/08/2011 00:19

You've slept with him since being tested, I wonder how many people he's slept with other than you and his wife? You dont know that you're clear of STIs.

Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 18/08/2011 00:21

well he said he loved me and didn't want to stop seeing me, I was very calm and told him that I couldn't live with myself doing that, he has texted me since he left, so don't think that's the case, but who knows. Obviously he doesn't love me, didn't for one second think he did. I don't really see it as slinking away, I just don't want the drama of causing any mayhem, have had a tough few months and just want to keep things calm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/08/2011 00:23

Your choice of course

it needn't be "mayhem" though

just a little prick of the little prick's bubble of self-entitlement

< shrug >

I hope your next one is less of a defective specimen than this one

DumSpiroSpero · 18/08/2011 00:24

What a shock for you. But at least if there's no emotional attachment you can just move onwards and upwards.

I can totally see where people are coming from re teaching him a lesson, but seriously - is he really worth any more of your time or energy?

Best revenge = living well!

Original poster
Lovingsinglelife · 18/08/2011 00:26

Thank you, the way I am feeling at the moment there won't be a next one.... I definitely will do something to scare the shit out of him if he tries to get in touch again though

OP posts:
GaramMasalaGirl · 18/08/2011 00:31

Lovingsinglrlife- you shouldn't let let this twat put you off getting into a relationship with someone else.

You just need to work on your Dickead Radar

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/08/2011 00:47

Loving - no reason to let this knobber put you off men - you had the measure of him.

Well not fully, and I can see why you are dismayed at what a lowlife he turned out to be, but you didn't fall for him, didn't buy his bullshit.

It is very sad that he is treating his wife so shabbily, but I think you are right that all you can do is walk away from this.

You aren't "letting" him do anything by dropping him like a stone as soon as you learn of his deception.

solidgoldbrass · 18/08/2011 00:54

AF: you are talking crap. THe OP is guilty of nothing here and certainly doesn't need to involve herself any further with this man's life. For her to take any kind of action against him on behalf of the Sacred Cause of Monogamy would be a really bad idea. It could cause her aggravation which she neither needs or deserves, if the man decides to paint her as a jealous dishonest bunnyboiler.
And do bear in mind that no one knows if it's actually true that the man has a partner and child. He might well be lying in order to make the OP dump him. But that's not her problem either.
Loving, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having an enjoyable, uncommitted sexual relationship with someone. It's not your fault he lied, or is lying in order to disappear from your life. It's not wrong to have FWBs, and it's not wrong to be fairly uninterested in FWBs lives when you are not in their company. Put it out of your mind and move on.

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