What do you think about sending an 8yo to board on a weekly basis?

[Flightattendant]

We're just in the process of considering cathedral choir auditions for ds1.

He is worried about not living at home, though he has 2 years to figure out if this would be ok or not, as they start in yr4.

I don't know really what I think. My heart says not having him here would abstract a large part of our family, and it would be miserable...we are only 5 minutes from school, but what if he is upset, or needs someone to cry on, or is told off - how do kids that board actually manage all these situations without being miserable?

If anyone could talk me through this a bit I'd be grateful...the school in question is great, I had many friends there growing up, and it looks full of exciting opportunities and generally a good laugh, a bit like Hogwarts

BUT I have never approved of private schooling on principle, plus there is the boarding aspect which I think is the main thing.

Any thoughts appreciated...will he love it, or will it harm him emotionally? He might not get in anyway.

dd is 8 and , sorry, no way would she cope even on a weekly basis and bear in mind many services will be over weekends. Can you not find one more locally ? We have a prep school near us that has a choir school attached to the main church - has performed on sevwral major films etc so highly regraded adn good grounding - maybe a good starting point to see if he can hack it. 6 is very young to be making such a long term decision

Does he have to board weekly? I persoanlly think 8 yrs old too young (just thinking about my ds) but yours might be more well rounded.

Oooooo yes please

Marvelous idea

[Christmas holiday emoticon]

YEs, it will harm him emotionally. If you really think this opportunity is one he cannot miss then you'll have to move house.... you have two years.

I wouldn't, but my dd is very much a mummy's girl

no way - 8 is far too young, plus it wouldn't be the same as 'normal' weekly boarding as your ds would be needed for much of the weekend for services etc

imo even 11 is too young, my ds1 is just starting now (at nearly 13) to be emotionally mature and independent enough to consider it (not that we are)

My DP was sent to boarding school at this age and he says it was horrible to be taken away from his family.
I wouldn't do it. Maybe at 14 or 15, when they anyway want to get away from us, but 8 is to young, imo.

Firstly, you know your child best, and each child is different, so whether he would love it or not isn't really something anyone else can answer.
I'm sure the experience would have lots of benefits, but there is no way I would send such a young child to board.
I couldn't justify putting the child in a situation where they were being cared for by people who (although probably very professional and kind) don't actually love them.
If you live so near the school, can't he be a day pupil instead?

If you're only 5 minutes from school, can't he go as a day boy? I know lots of cathedral schools these days HAVE to have day and boarders, because of the decline in boarding.

Dh was sent to boarding school at 11 and has never lived with his parents since then. Buggered up his whole relationship with them for ever. They get on well but that closeness was gone forever leaving home so young.

Thankyou for all the replies, I just want to clarify that the boarding is not an optional extra - we are literally a 10 minute walk from the place he'd be staying, and the school is about 2 miles on the other side of town.
But for some weird reason they won't let the kids live at home.

Trust me if there was a way round the boarding and still able to take the place, I wouldn't make him board!

flightattendant, we have been there too. We ultimately decided against boarding for DS as he just isn't the boarding type (at the moment - and may never be). DH was quite keen anyway, but I put my foot down. DS won't even go to anyone's house for a sleepover!! Plus I'd feel like Dolly - the idea of DS being ill/unhappy/anxious and not being cared for by someone who loves him more than anything made me feel quite sick. We looked at one boarding school, and it was all very nice - but I came away thinking: over my dead body.

He's now in a cathedral choir school (a day school), which is fantastic. We had to move in order to do it, but it's more than worthwhile - for the right child. You'd also have to be able to arrange your life around choir duties (as we've just done Christmas, this is painfully clear here!), and really demands one parent to be available (or able to make themself available) a lot of the time (not suitable for parents who both have demanding jobs - choir comes above any job, and you have to accept that when you sign up to it). But if your DS is the right child and doesn't want to board, it's worth moving mountains to get him into a day school.

Sorry - that's very waffly. I'd also agree with LilyB and see if there's any way he could go as a day boy. I know some cathedral schools are struggling to fill places, so you might get lucky - esp. as you're only five minutes away.

I wouldn't personally. I'm quite anti-boarding despite both parents having boarded, brother boarding for last term at prep school and me boarding at 6th form. 6th form was OK, but I don't like to think about the emotional side of things in a developing child at boarding school. I think it can teach them to deal with emotions differently - to bury them maybe and to hide them. I know there is some emotional stuff that I have to dig out of our 8 year old that a house mistress would have neither the time nor probably the inclination to do.

Having said all that, for the right child, I guess it can be fine.

Ok. In that case, they're going to miss out! I can see why they won't do it, but it's a shame.

Moving worked for us, but wouldn't work for everyone (as I say, the parents have to be really, really committed - and moving cities is a pretty big commitment!!)

Sorry, still reading replies! Will write more in a bit.

My dh was sent away to boarding school at age 7.

He has no concept of what 'normal' family life should be like.
He is very closed emotionally- never shows if he is upset/keeps everything in and is very much 'stiff upper lip' mentality.
He is not very touchy/feely either and has taken him quite a while to get used to the idea of hugging ds.

I think it has had a profoundly negative effect on him. Also he seem to have very few memories of his eary childhood (pre-10) as though he has blocked most of it out.

His sister who is 5 years older and his brother who is 10 years older both were at boarding school from the same age, but his sister was at a girl's school and his brother was leaving school when dh started boarding so he has never lived with his siblings either . As I said, not 'normal'.

What's the reason you want him to particular go to this school? Is it the school, or the chorister experience, or both? If it's the chorister experience, are there any other options? Sometimes you can find other options which are as good, but not attached to a school, or quite as heavy a commitment.

Yes, the siblings things too. Dh has never lived with his siblings since he was very young as they were older and sent to different boardign schools too.

MY 8yo DD boards! She could come home very weekend but some weekends she chooses to stay in.

My now 11yo went at 8yo as well. They both seem fine. Have settled extremely well. I have no doubts in my mind that for my eldest child it was SO SO SO the right choice. She needed it more than I ever could have anticipated. She settled instantly - I really mean that. No tears nothing. She has thrown herself fully into boarding school life and is a member of every club, team etc going. She is really thriving there. My youngest has only been there a short while. She seems very happy. Does get tired though as the routine is full very full on. But at the end of term she told me that she "loved her school". She is a very very different child to her older sister and I had big doubts as to whether or not it would be the right thing for her (circumstances and her preference to start pushed the issue) but so far so good. If I ever felt it was not right for either one of them they would be out like a shot.

The ultimate choice of whether or not they boarded rested with them. They both decided to "try it". They both know and I really really mean this - they both KNOW that if they want to leave a return to day school they can.

IMO - It depends on WHY boarding is an option in the eyes of the child. The impact boarding or not boarding will have on the childs life/routine. If the child actually WANTS to board.

I was worried when me looked into it at first for my eldest as boarding was NEVER in the grand scheme of their upbringing. I miss them terribly but this ultimately is not about me - its about what is best for my children and what makes them happy and gives them the best stability.

Be prepared for when/if you make this choice for every man and his dog to tell you that you emotionally damaging your child. People will snub you. Every one thinks they have an almighty right to tell you their opinion on the matter too.

Its an emotive subject. Boarding Does have a place in modern day society. Boarding in 2009 is very different to 15/20 years ago and worlds away from 30 to 50 years ago.

I like the fact our school has a complete open door policy. I can see my kids whenever I want. Parents are invited to lots of different events constantly. Rarely a week goes by where I am not at school for something (usually up ther 2 or 3 times a week). However, my girls do choose to stay in at school some weekends (my eldest chooses to stay in most).

Its a hard and tough choice. But imo - if you are going to try it because you think your child can thrive on it (just coping with boarding - is not fair option imo - we can all cope with stuff but do you want your child to just be coping and not enjoying/thriving?) then TRY it. TRY it with the full understanding on yourside and most importantly the childs side that if they do not take to it - to stop boarding is OK and to really mean it.

My dad boarded at a young age - 10, I think he was. His younger brother and sister didn't board as his parents could only afford to send one child to board and it affected him for the rest of his life. Can you imagine how it must have felt for a 10 year old to be "sent away" while his brother and sister were allowed to stay at home? He absolutely hated it.

I knew someone at uni who who had boarded and could see his house from his dorm window. His parents had demanding professions and I think thought it was a more stable environment for him to board while they worked such long hours, but he was miserable being able to see his home from his dorm window and not being able to be there.

Both my dad and my friend have had problems with the emotional side of things as adults, as described by figrollinthehay. I just think children need to grow up in a family environment surrounded by unconditional love, not an institution.

I just don't think there is a place for it in this day and age unless absolutely necessary, and I don't think your situation is. If he is so excited at the prospect at going, then fair enough. But if there is any doubt in his mind or your mind whatsoever, then it's not good.

Thankyou very much.
Sorry didn't eman to sound brusque have got ds2 pulling at me and ds1 rolling round the room under a wheeled coffee table, tis hard to concentrate...

I'm surprised that so many of you are thinking the same as me about it...ie that it would feel very odd indeed to pack an 8yo off to live with a substitute parent for 5 nights a week, however good the opportunities were at the school. I keep thinking 'for some children it must be great' - but I can't imagine a child that young coping in a healthy way with boarding.

As someone said I think the emphasis might be on hiding their emotions rather than dealing with them, simply because nobody will care enough about them on an individual basis to make dealing with each little struggle or upset practicable.

Ds isn't that strong emotionally and does have some separation issues now, though they are improving.
i think really it's going to be day boy or nothing - I spoke to the choirmaster a while ago and he said 'oh all the boys are scared at 6yo, don't try and cross that bridge yet' but truly, how many 8yo children really want to leave mum and/or dad for a week at a time?

I only know two people who boarded. My mum hated it initially but because her home life was so dire she grew to prefer school

and one of my old boyfriends was sent to board from age 7, his parents also lived up the road - what kind of message does that send a small child?
I don't know really. But he is still in denial while having huge issues around relationships, afaik - he is the type who will be unfaithful on an almost compulsive level, it seems normal to him to have two attachments - home and school I suppose.

My sister boarded at the Purcell school when she was about 11. She was, at that point, the most confident, sociable and popular child (unlike the rest of us who are very shy). She came from a school where she had loads of friends and although my mum agonised about letting her board, she eventually decided that the opportunity to take up a music scholarship at the Purcell school was too good to turn down (sister was also desperate to go BTW) and that sister was confident and outgoing enough to cope.

Sister was badly bullied at the school pretty much from start. She was a very slim, pretty little girl but someone made up a rumour that she was greedy and ate nothing but junk food so she stopped eating altogether and wouldn't go into the canteen. My mum picked her up one exeat and she looked like a little skeleton . Sister never went back.

10 years on sister still suffers from severe bulimia, to the point where she has nearly died and been hospitalised on occasion.

I'm not saying this one example is what will def happen but the principle is that without her mum around every day to see what was happening, problems were allowed to spiral way out of control before they were picked up. This, to me, is the greatest risk with boarding. I wouldn't do it personally.