What do you think about sending an 8yo to board on a weekly basis?

[Flightattendant]

We're just in the process of considering cathedral choir auditions for ds1.

He is worried about not living at home, though he has 2 years to figure out if this would be ok or not, as they start in yr4.

I don't know really what I think. My heart says not having him here would abstract a large part of our family, and it would be miserable...we are only 5 minutes from school, but what if he is upset, or needs someone to cry on, or is told off - how do kids that board actually manage all these situations without being miserable?

If anyone could talk me through this a bit I'd be grateful...the school in question is great, I had many friends there growing up, and it looks full of exciting opportunities and generally a good laugh, a bit like Hogwarts

BUT I have never approved of private schooling on principle, plus there is the boarding aspect which I think is the main thing.

Any thoughts appreciated...will he love it, or will it harm him emotionally? He might not get in anyway.

[HeraldAngel]

Greenelves, that's a very unkind post. I have never been involved in boarding debates, so know nothing of any history between you and Bloss, but to an ignoramus, her post made very good sense.

I think it's a real shame for the OP that this has been turned into boarding fans vs boarding loathers forum. I think the posts that advise her to consider her own child and his own personality are much more sensible.

FWIW, OP, my DS is having a fantastic experience so far as being a chorister is concerned. He has music, music and more music. For him, it doesn't get better than that. If your DS is that way inclined, it's worth busting a gut to try to make it possible one way or t'other.

[HeraldAngel]

Oh and, GreensElves, chorister parents pay significantly less than others. In some cases, they don't pay at all (means-tested scholarships).

[wannaBe]

I'm going to be blunt...

I don't think you can know if he's "the right child" to board until it's potentially too late.

I went to boarding school from the age of five. First as a weekly boarder and then as a term boarder when I was eleven as my parents moved away.

I coped perfectly well with the experience - loved it in fact. In fact my mother tells the story of the first day she had to send me off to boarding school and dreading ringing me a couple of days later in case I was upset, and I was having a fantastic time. I would echo what another poster said about friendships being far more meaningful and long-lasting.. but...

The relationship with my family would never be the same again. At boarding school I became truely independent, and that really close relationship I would have had as a very young child with my family was lost for ever. It's simply not realistic to expect to send a child away all week and for the relationship to be the same when they're only home for five out of seven days.

It's not that we don't get on, more that I learned to seek support elsewhere, from friends, in my writing, etc, but my family were just too far away.

And recently I learned that my sister felt she missed out too by me going to boarding school, because she never really knew what it was like growing up with a sister, even though she had one iyswim.

So you also need to consider the impact on your other children, not just the one that will be going away.

I loved my time at boarding school, and I do actually think it was best for me because I developed a level of independence I probably wouldn't have got at home, and I made friendships that I would never have made at home - long-lasting friendships..

But I missed out on those early years of family life, going home to my house at the end of the day, going to bed in my bed with my toys and being able to do what I wanted with parents to tuck me in at night... you can never get that back.

Hell would freeze over before I sent my ds to boarding school at any age..

[hocuspontas]

I wouldn't be happy at the inflexibility of the school. I mean you live down the road FGS!

Your ds is worrying already. Look elsewhere.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

I'd rather poke my own eyes out than send DS to board.

[tackyChristmastreedelivery]

Flightattendant - if you as the family had the choice, you would send him for days only. Thats the impression I get? Then that is your answer really. The fact the school don't offer this means it isn;t the right one for your family.

Debates about boarding completely ignored, I think that is the crux of the thing.

Good luck with your choices, he is a lucky boy to have thoughtful parents and such a talent. He will have massive oppurtunities where ever he is goes to school. I had no clue such a thing as a choral school thing even existed until I came to Mumsnet, so he is already part of a rich expansive environment.

[Twinkleandpearls]

I have a child who wants to board, we have friends who boarded as children and friends whose children who now board.

So I am not anti boarding at all, but I would worry about a primary aged child boarding and particulary if I already have some of the concerns that you do.

[Flightattendant]

I'm not worried if people want to scrap on the thread, I asked for thoughts and there are bound to be some extreme views among them...I don't have a strong view either way due to lack of personal experience, so am happy to respect those of people who have dealt with similar situations from whatever angle, or know people who have. It all adds up to a rich tapestry

Thankyou again for all your posts.

We're seeing the choirmaster tomorrow and he's going to show us round, and see what he thinks of ds and let ds see what he thinks of the whole thing.

Then we will probably come home and have a think.
For what it's worth, I'm thinking that yes, damage can be done but then damage can be done in ordinary families where nobody is at boarding school. I never wanted to send ds to actual school, full stop, but due to a lack of wider support my decision to home educate got stuffed, basically! And it turns out he adores school - once he was over the first hurdle of separation, he just dived right in. I still have misgivings.

So it's not quite as easy as going with my own instinct. I think we will leave all our options open for now and see what he wants to do - but I will make sure to let him know he is free to choose. We're just having a look.
We would need a full scholarship in any case and I'm not convinced he is academic enough to get through, so it's probably all hypothetical!

[vulpes]

i dunno, its a tricky one.

i went to boarding school as did pretty much everyone i knew. i had to go as there were no english speaking schools where my folks were living at the time. it was very far away from my parents (in another country) so i only went home like, 4 times a year or something. so weekly boarding doesnt sound bad to me at all!

i did not have a terrible experience (went when i was 10) and do not think it damaged me. but it is for sure true that it is only now in my 30s that i am closer to my parents in a 'miss you, love you' sort of way. for years and years i could never understand when other people used to say they missed their folks or siblings. it seemed so strange.....

it was way way harder for my folks to be missing us than it was for us at school. and my mom still feels guilty for sending us.

looking at it as an adult (i live abroad myself) and a parent i can honestly say that when DD is old enough for her schooling to be an issue, we will move somewhere she can be a day student at a day school. i will never send her to boarding school. even if she wants to go! you miss out on SO MUCH as a family and a parent. i just couldnt do it.

[mamasmissionimpossible]

I went to boarding school from the age 12-16. I think 8 is far too young and will not be sending my dc's to boarding school at all. I can't say it was a particularly happy experience for me, more an endurance until I could leave! That is just my experience, but on the other hand I know dc's who go and love it. Depends on your dc I suppose.

[racmac]

Absolutely no way would i even think about letting ds8 board.

I boarded from 14 and hated it.

There were reguarly children there at 11 who cried for their mums - teachers wouldnt tell the parents - the other children would provide the comfort or theyd just cry themselves to sleep.

[foxinsocks]

I went and was fine but we got sent because our family home was dysfunctional so I think that's different

as others have said, effectively your child becomes independent from you the minute they get sent to boarding school. When they are ill, they can't turn to you, when they need to cry, you can't be a shoulder for them. Their family becomes the children and adults at school.

I think there are benefits for some children but mainly where their home life is so bad that the boarding school structure is a drastic improvement! Or where they are older (say 6th form).

I also think weekly boarding is different to termly - so if you are seeing them every friday afternoon till sunday evening then that is slightly different (and you being very close) but I still think it is a huge leap for a primary school aged child to make, no matter how strong and independent they/you may think they are.

it's an emotive issue - friend of ours has just sent their 9 year old (while they live abroad) and I was asked what I thought and I said I didn't think it was right at which point the mum got all uppity and said 'well I went at 8 and it did me no harm!'

I think at some point you have to stop and ask yourself what you think is more important - is school so important that it's worth losing that family bond? Because (unless your home life is dysfunctional) at primary school age, I'm not sure any formal education is worth that tbh.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[HeraldAngel]

flightattendant: I think they're after musical potential rather than academic brilliance as well. They expect a child to be bright enough to keep up with school work as well as the extra work, but musical potential is what it's all about when it comes to scholarships. DS did do an academic 'test', but it was nothing serious.

[MsDoctor]

Surely many children have singing/musical talents and parents support them in their plight to be brilliant. What happens when they're not brilliant anymore or they don't love doing it and you've still sacrificed a relationship that comes from living and growing with your children? Is it still worth it? I'm not diminishing the relationship that parents of children who board or one or other parent is in the forces as I'm sure they work for many families, but they are not and cannot be the same relationship that comes with living with a child and the child spending every night at home.

I suppose your decision has to balance the opportunity for him against the potential loss of the relationship, for all of you, as you know it.

[HeraldAngel]

The more I think about it the more offensive I find Greenelves's comment about chorister mothers voting with their wallets.

Ah well.

[madamearcati]

I think boarding school presents a lot of opportunity for either being bullied or bullying others.

[Vintagepommery]

Wouldn't send an 8yo, no. Seems strange that the school is that inflexible that it won't allow day pupils.
If your son is v able musically surely there are other ways of developing that talent? - Saturday music schools etc

[Clare123]

Could not think of anything worse. Still so young and needs a parent that truely loves him around.

[nothingofthesort]

I went to a school that had boarders too. I don't think there was one single girl (it was a girl's school) who thought it was a good thing. They were all super close to each other, and seemed to have a lot of fun together, but it was always with a lot of sadness that they talked about their families and homes.

I wouldn't even consider it.

[lowrib]

I couldn't do it. Your child will grow apart from you.

Personally I would find it heartbreaking.

Plus the adults I know who boarded are really screwed up emotionally and have difficult relationships with their families.

[ZZZenAgain]

I don't want to comment on whether boarding per se is a good thing or not. It is going to be so much dependent on the people he will encounter there - the children, teachers, choirmaster and indeed the pastoral staff. Who can predict how that will work out? Other than speaking personally to people at the school and parents whose dc attend as choristers, I don't see how you can get a feeling for it really.

Don't know your situation either. Is this the only chance you see where you live for your ds to get what you consider a good education? If so, obviously you need to consider it but your ds cannot bear the burden of making this decision. He's too young, listen to him but ultimately it is the parents who have to make the decision.

What strikes me as particularly difficult here is that the school is just down the road from your home and he will know that. His family is just down the road but he is not free to go to them. I think that is too hard for an 8 year old personally. I would not like my dd to feel like that. If both dp are at work putting in long hours as lots of parents of boarders have to do, that is something else again. But you will be at home I presume with the younger dc. Wonder why the school is so inflexible about this?