What do you think about sending an 8yo to board on a weekly basis?

[Flightattendant]

We're just in the process of considering cathedral choir auditions for ds1.

He is worried about not living at home, though he has 2 years to figure out if this would be ok or not, as they start in yr4.

I don't know really what I think. My heart says not having him here would abstract a large part of our family, and it would be miserable...we are only 5 minutes from school, but what if he is upset, or needs someone to cry on, or is told off - how do kids that board actually manage all these situations without being miserable?

If anyone could talk me through this a bit I'd be grateful...the school in question is great, I had many friends there growing up, and it looks full of exciting opportunities and generally a good laugh, a bit like Hogwarts

BUT I have never approved of private schooling on principle, plus there is the boarding aspect which I think is the main thing.

Any thoughts appreciated...will he love it, or will it harm him emotionally? He might not get in anyway.

Thankyou all for your considered posts and thoughts, I really am grateful.

We went to see the choirmaster, who was very kind, and tried hard to make ds feel relaxed before asking him to sing a little bit, copy notes played on the piano and all that kind of thing.

He was quite overbearing though and there was no opportunity for me to ask anything related to the boarding, or for reassurance as to how the kids do cope. We were just kind of blasted with the positives...the boys are like a big club, a big family together...their parents are in and out all the time, coming to see them perform and so on every few days...

he also told us that ds is very talented, has a very good ear, and will certainly be good enough to audition when he is 7/8. He suggested we start him on an instrument as well, and wants to see him every few weeks to help bring out his voice.

I was flattered on behalf of ds and really pleased that he liked him. He kept saying 'you're going to be a star, ds' and saying how articulate he is and so on, also that they go on telly, and make recordings, and travel to America and things.

I also have a close friend who knows the housemistress and says she would trust her to be great at caring for the boys, of which there are about 25.

So...all this sounds like it could be great. BUT it doesn't answer any of my questions or indeed yours...how does a little boy of 8 cope when he knows his mummy is at home a mile away, with his little brother, and he isn't allowed to be part of that?

and more to the point, how the bloody hell does his mummy cope!!!!!

We were given leaflets to spread the word among his friends, too. I don't think it's as popular as they want it to be, purely because the kids are being swept up into a world of adults' making, to perform and be what is required in a professional capacity, and everything is being done to mitigate this and make it a happier experience for them - but this is limited to what huge amounts of money can provide.
Basically it's a bit of a sell off (sorry not meant offensively) but I feel like I'd - or he would, in fact - be sacrificing his emotional needs, in several ways, for his educational or ultimately 'professional' status being raised.

I'd like to hope there is a chance they'll relax the system in time for ds, ie start allowing day boys. If they did, I'd have little hesitaton in sending him, as long as he wanted to. Even if there were some times away on trips etc.
But only seeing him on a Saturday and sunday, alll term - and later on, just a saturday night, when apparently most of the boys choose to stay in house, (ostensibly because it is so much fun, but I suspect because the transition is so hard and their attachments have been transferred by then)

all the way through till he is 13. I don't think I could do that.

Now i am facing the question of whether I am wasting the man's time if I let him carry on coaching ds for a while, hoping they'll be flexible later on - or do we keep going for the time being, and wait and see - tbh I would be gutted if ds did want to be away from me 5 days a week. What would that say about our home together? i know I haven't been the best mum anyway. It might be better for him somehow.
and I don't want him to do what he thinks I want, either, because I'm not even sure what that is.

..plus fwiw, he is at one of the 'best' local schools already (non paying type) and is happy there. We have no need to move him.

But then, the one he would be going to has huge grounds, proper football fields, not just a concrete playground...and seeing as he isn't necessarily likely to pass his 11-plus, thinking ahead he might be better off going to that one than staying put, 'failing' (as they so charmingly put it) and ending up at the local hideous comp where i would not send my worst enemy.

I might not be able to home educate at that point as younger child will be over 7 and I'll need to go to work.
So trying to be pragmatic really.

Just thinking...when I was about 10, I was miserable at school, but v talented musically...and my mum suggested sending me to a specialist boarding school.
I felt very very excited because I was desperate to escape the school I was at, and it sounded so idyllic, small classes, special pastoral people who would know how to nurture you - as opposed to my own parents who did a basically OK job but were quite unhappy types -

I don't know exactly what i craved, but anyway, mum decided I wouldn't be able to cope away from her and declined to let me audition. I was a bit pissed off actually.

I have no idea how I would have coped or not, to this day - but I suspect I could have used some survival skills at that point, because what happened eventually was that my depsression increased and I dropped out in 6th form with no sense of purpose or security. I was lost.
And I might not have been so lost if I'd gone there...I might have been taught how to get by.
Maybe.

This is so complicated. I think Mum would have felt like she was failing if she had handed me over...I am scared of losing my boy, for sure, even if it is best for him.

Why do you have children if you are happy to send them away so young?

Not only that but you also want to indoctrinate him into a church school.

Nice.

Have you read the thread?

If I were you Flight I'd keep all options open at the moment.

Let your DS continue to see the choirmaster and encourage him in his music.

As you say - they may well let day boys in by the time its relevant to your son.

Tough decisions ahead though.

And well done to your DS for doing so well - you must be very proud of him.

don't throw away the offer of extra coaching every couple of weeks. How can that harm your ds (other than that it might be a case of hardsell and/or ds might just get so captivated with the whole thing that he is disappointed if you decide against it later). You are not wasting the man's time with it, you have not yet decided for or against the school. I would do as he says with learning an instrument too, if that's feasible.

See where it takes you.

From what you say about the HE, local schools, I think maybe the deciding question might have to be: where does he go at 13?

Thinking too it is the choirmaster's main interest to get enough boys of the right calibre into the choir really so obviously this is what he was talking about and well selling in a way. Presumably this is his mission in life so he genuinely does see the good parts in it. I don't think he was trying to sort of fob off your concerns. I think he might not be the right person to speak to on the whole boarding/pastoral care/emotional side. Could you speak to someone from the pastoral side about all of that? Might put your mind at rest, might not. Worth a try maybe.

as I see the situation, he attends a good local school and is happy there so no harm in giving up this boarding school/chorister set up short-term.

Longer term, he may not pass the 11+ and get into the grammar school. (Any thoughts on how to supplement school work etc get to grips with this option?)

This means going to a crap school, obviously no good.

Option two is move to the school at 8 with great facilities, the chorister set-up, presumably also free music tuition till he's 13 .... and then what?

Hard, isn't it, wondering if the boarding school might be better preparation for the 11+ and if he passed, would you pull out and move him to the grammar school?

Flightattendant - I am very much against choir schools. The amount of work the children do in performing in return for reduced fees is too much in my view. That is why they have to board. The workload from early in the morning and at weekends is very high. Be careful about the workload you are commiting your DS to. Choir schools are not very up front about that - they just highlight the fee reductions.

Also you should read the recent Boarding School thread.

I boarded and enjoyed it from 11 - 18 but it is not for every child and would not do it with DSs.

Incidentally, we are considering sending DS1 to a choir school at 11 but do not want him to be in the choir - it just happens to be as very good school.

I'd try it out for a bit with the tutoring, and see if you can get your questions answered over time. You'll get a better idea of what the ethos is really like too.

My brother boarded from 13 in order to have his dyslexia supported better, my big sister was always a day girl and my middle sister and I boarded for sixth form. To be honest my brother has by far the closest relationship with my mother (my sisters and I finding the relationship with my mother way too close, and backing right away until we were in our twenties!). But I know that my big sister missed him dreadfully as did my mother. My cousins boarded from much younger and are very very close and loving with their mother. I really do think it depends on the child, the family, the school and then individual things like what other children happen to be in their house, whether they bond with a teacher ect. But there is a high degree of risk of not knowing when things are going wrong if you don't have regular and private contact (there is this risk at ordinary school too of course).

Message withdrawn

Thankyou very much - bloss, that's very helpful indeed. We will be shown the house next time apparently, so looking forward to that.
I'll let you know how we get on.
Thanks again for all the time and effort everyone took to post.
ABD I didn't realise some of these things...have been browsing through the other thread, thanks for the link. Bit that people were referring obviously to this one, saying how barbaric the very idea is.

i hope people don't think I'm barbaric. I was only asking.

I think Bloss's suggestions are spot on. That's precisely what we did with the boarding options. We didn't choose to follow them up, but we did feel that our (my) decision was based on some degree of knowledge rather than prejudice.

You said at one point, Flightattendant, that you felt you hadn't bee a very good mother. The fact that you are posting about this with such care and sensitivity says precisely the reverse.

Too young!
You will never get back those moments gazing at him as he sleeps, no more midweek smells of his clean hair..
Think of his eyes, soon they will be looking elsewhere,,

I'm coming late to this thread. I boarded from 8, and enjoyed it. It's not as if schools don't have holidays. I had a lot of fun. I'm also looking at the possibility of a chorister education for DS1, who is very musical, although we live near a day school. Go for what your son wants and what's best for your family. Don't be swayed too much by a bunch of highly partisan strangers on t'internet, most of whom have no firsthand experience of boarding or choir schools.

Flight, worth considering how well you could care for 25 boys? I absolutely know that I wouldn't be able to care properly for them all - and that's before you get to the 'children need love daily' bit.
V much agree as always with what sophable said.

I haven't found this point on the thread so far, sorry if I'm duplicating:

Is your ds really very musical, of the sort who has to be making, listening all day long? I made friends with a muso at Cambridge who'd been on a choral scholarship through school since 8, and he said that it was, for him, the most marvellous thing: he was "allowed" to be as intensely musical as he liked, the training he got (yes, a heacy workload, but if you love it and just want to learn more, it's not a problem) was amazing, and although he had decided musicology was his "thing" rather than performance, if he hadn't spent all that time singing his way through the reportoire, he would have been a long way behind where he is now.

Re boarding - I agree 8 seems young. You know what your child is like and how is likely to react.

I do think the choirmaster being overbearing and unreassuring is a bit worrying tho. I would be wanting to meet some more people if you are still thinking it is an option, the people who would be doing the pastoral care etc