What do you think about sending an 8yo to board on a weekly basis?

[Flightattendant]

We're just in the process of considering cathedral choir auditions for ds1.

He is worried about not living at home, though he has 2 years to figure out if this would be ok or not, as they start in yr4.

I don't know really what I think. My heart says not having him here would abstract a large part of our family, and it would be miserable...we are only 5 minutes from school, but what if he is upset, or needs someone to cry on, or is told off - how do kids that board actually manage all these situations without being miserable?

If anyone could talk me through this a bit I'd be grateful...the school in question is great, I had many friends there growing up, and it looks full of exciting opportunities and generally a good laugh, a bit like Hogwarts

BUT I have never approved of private schooling on principle, plus there is the boarding aspect which I think is the main thing.

Any thoughts appreciated...will he love it, or will it harm him emotionally? He might not get in anyway.

[HeraldAngel]

slummy, that sounds sensible. If my DS had been the type to thrive in a boarding environment, I'd have gone with it - far easier than moving house.

Oddly, DD can't wait to board when she's 11 (her school takes boarders at 11), and she would love it. She'd need a hefty scholarship, though!!

[Rainbowinthesky]

My mother was also sent to board from a young age. Her half siblings were not. She is in her 70s and never got over it. She stayed in teh country she was sent to board in and never went home. It was sadder as I only saw my grandmother twice when growing up and I have only met one of my 2 aunts.

[HeraldAngel]

SWW - your poor sister

[Rainbowinthesky]

It's interesting to read this thread debating an 8 year old living away from home and another thread going on about letting them grow up too quickly with having ipods and mobiles etc!

[Flightattendant]

Apologies Slummymummy, I crossed with your post. I'm pleased that your children love it, I wonder if they are just particularly secure children! I know ds2 is far more secure than ds1 and I think he would cope better with it iyswim...he cope with a creche or playgroup without me and ds1 never could.

[MitchyInge]

my dad was sent to school at 8 and hated it, consequently we all had to go to day schools (even those of us who would have loved to board)

yet a former partner of mine went at a not much greater age and seems less damaged by the experience, although again would not send his own children away and made them go to day schools

[cornsilkcremeeggspotter]

Why not try writing to the board of governors and pleading clemency for ds! This practice of making young children board sounds outdated and potentially emotionally harmful for some children. What does Ofsted make of it?

[HeraldAngel]

flightattendant - if your Ds has separation issues now, then he's not going to be a boarder at eight. My DS has always had separation issues - he's now eight, and only now goes to other people's houses on his own, though worries a lot about it beforehand. He has improved enormously, but I'd rule out boarding for any child who doesn't take easily to separation (typical scenario here: DS wants me to stay with him at parties, which he's only just started going to; DD, who's younger, says suspiciously: 'you're not going to stay, are you Mummy?')

[FlyingReindeer]

I agree with what slummymummy says but here is my experience of it.

I'm 28 and I boarded from 8 to 18. I loved it and it hasn't affected me in any way that others have described. I have a great relationship with my family to this day, although I am a lot more self-sufficient than some of my peers in many ways. I love my family but I don't need them. My brother went at the same age and HATED it. He was miserable until he was about 16. But it hasn't had any fundamental affect on his personality. He didn't thrive there, but I did. We are both loving, sensitive, emotional people.

Our school was 6 day boarding but as my parents lived so far away we only went home about once a month. I was NEVER homesick but my brother was a lot. I loved every minute of the early days, it was such a huge adventure for me. I actually found boarding a lot harder as I got older, as I wanted my own space and had lived in close quarters with other people for 8 plus years. I find that boarding school friends last right through life too - I would say most of my boarding school contemporaries would agree with this.

Each child is totally different. I think boarding school definitely has a place in society and if my children wanted to go, I wouldn't hesitate to send them (if I can ever afford it!) but if they didn't want to go, or were unhappy I wouldn't force them.

[HeraldAngel]

Cornsilk - we pored over the schools inspectorate reports (not all OFSTED, if I remember rightly), and all the choir schools score very well for pastoral care of boarders (some are outstandingly good at it, so it seems). I don't think they're the emotionally barren places that they were when my dad and DH went to them! All that said, though, I'd still only let a child go if I was quite sure that they were the boarding type.

[cornsilkcremeeggspotter]

Has ds had any help for his separation issues? Can you get a note from your GP?

[cornsilkcremeeggspotter]

I'm thinking of it more of a one size fits all type attitude rather than emotionally barren IYSWIM. Some children simply won't be ready to board at age 8 for many reasons and it seems unfair that they are the excluded.

[slummymummy36]

Flightattendant - We're a Forces fmaily and tbh I know for definate my eldest reached a point where she just was no longer coping with the frequent moves.
My youngest I think would have continued to thrive on the constant moves - seems to enjoy the glory of being the new girl LOL - but she saw what big sis was doing and getting upto at BS and wanted to go.

TBH - IMO, my girls between them have moved schools so so so many times that if BS did not work out for them - for us to move them out and back to day school would not be an issue - whats one more school after so many? LOL!! Besides DD1 has avoided 2 school changes in the 3 years she has boarded - so its been a benefit - even if we had to stop boarding now for whatever reason.

From a young age my girls did mix with few BS children on the various MQ estates we lived on as well as their local school friends. So for them, to a certain extent, BS was not some weird way off thing that only a few people did. Where ever we lived they always had a friend or 2 who boarded.

Some children will thrive on it others could potentially be damaged by it.
I would say that when someone says their Granny was damaged by boarding that probably Granny was sent to BS many many years ago with no say in the matter, maybe at the start of term until the very end of term and to some kind of school run on some kind of Victorian routine with Victorian rules and routines. No telephone, no email etc. BS today are alot absolutely no comparison. We looked at loads!! LOL That is to say though that if the child is not happy to go then even the loveliest school wont be good for them.

2 years is a long time though in a childs development. 2 years ago I could not imagine sending my youngest DD - even though the eldest DD was very happy and settled at BS.

Keep your options open and see how the next year or so pan out with his feelings on the matter.

Good luck with what ever you choose.

[madamearcati]

My cousin (many years ago) boarded at Rugby school from age 7 and though he wasn't bullied or anything and outwardly seems confident and charming ,on the inside he is very emotionally immature , almost as though his emotional development 'froze' at 7

[Heathcliffscathy]

boarding often means that 'need' is considered a bad thing.

as human beings we need each other.

boarding school trains children not to (they can't afford to).

there is a lot of stuff about the development of a 'strategic survival personality' here

boarding school is something that will be defended to the death by those who went and are 'fine', in fact 'thrived' just as their parents did...good enough for me good enough for my kids is a prevalent attitude as is the entirely erroneous assumption that boarding school fosters 'independence'. true independence and strength come from an acknowledgement of our vulnerability and need for others. being able to say 'it's not ok, i need help'.

there are books written about all this stuff...

[Georgimama]

My husband both hated and loved boarding at that age. He hated the fact that he was there, and that his parents were so emotionally distant and detatched. He loved the school and the affection he received from the teachers. The real sadness comes from knowing that he should have been having that relationship with his own parents. Don't do it. Not yet.

[Georgimama]

"outwardly seems confident and charming ,on the inside he is very emotionally immature , almost as though his emotional development 'froze' at 7"

That's my 37 year old husband in a nutshell, basically.

[jellybeans]

far too young

[Rainbowinthesky]

Sophable, Dh often muses on sending ds (13) to boarding school as it will be the "making of him". THat's exactly why I wont be sending him (plus cant afford it!).

[MsDoctor]

slummymummy36..... why would you send your dcs away?

Everyone I know who boarded feels they either missed out on getting to know siblings, parents or friends outside of school.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[GreensElves]

I have "seen it in action"

in fact have quite a lot of experience of boarding, having done it myself, having a sibling who boarded from 7, and having also worked in a boarding school

I think it is an atrocious thing to do to a child

It's true that many of them "love it" and "have a whale of a time" and all the other euphemisms that get trotted out in response to criticism of boarding

but this is because many children are adaptable survivalists and will make adjustments to their conscious needs and expectations in order to be happy with what they have. These adjustments are at the expense of healthy emotional and social development.

Children need to be with people who love them, especially in the mornings and when they go to bed at night. People who love THEM, not "love children". They need cuddles and kisses and private confidences and genuine emotional security. Boarding schools do not and cannot provide this. The boarding environment was designed in the first place to rear people who have stopped needing these things - people who are divorced from their own basic emotional needs and who can be "happy" under painfully inadequate circumstances. For an 8yo, it's abusive and damaging, regardless of whether or not your child bounces into school and declares that he "loves it".

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[Ewe]

Most of my friends and my DP went to boarding school, they almost all absolutely loved it! There is one exception but the circumstances of why she was at BS in the first place were complicated.

For them going to BS was normal, expected, what everyone else did and they had a lot of fun whilst away at BS. All now very confident, great jobs and still very close to family and friends from BS - they have often described it as having two families and the depth of the friendships is like nothing I have with my old school friends, it's great.

Only you know how your DS will deal with it but I certainly don't subscribe to the theory that everyone who goes to boarding school is damaged and insecure.

[GreensElves]

how rude to begin a post with

I could have done the same - you're certainly as much a regular spouting the same old mantras on these threads as I am, in fact you were here first - but I didn't

OP, if you want to read views as diverse as mine and bloss's, this thread is a good place to start. If you want to be jollied into sending him without really considering all the issues, just talk to bloss offline the mothers of other choristers who have already voted with their wallets and won't give you a balanced view.