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Primary education

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Original poster

Should you invite the child with special needs to parties/ playdates??

126 replies

mebaasmum · 22/05/2011 13:52

I have heard of several incidences recently of the one child in the class with additional needs never being invited to parties or playdates even when its a whole class party. It smacks of discrimination to me. To my mind it is the reason why inclusion cant work no matter how inclusive a school is. The school cant make parents be inclusive.
The parents I know whose children have suffered in this way have been very upset.
What do you think?? BTW my son with addional needs is older and past this phase. I was thinking reception/year 1 where views are set and parents /children start making friends

OP posts:
ilovesprouts · 22/05/2011 13:56

my son goes to sn school and gets invited to partys mostley from them only ever been to 2 kids parys tho who are not sn

kickingking · 22/05/2011 13:56

Shock Of course you should, if you are inviting the whole class. I'm shocked that anybody doesn't.

coccyx · 22/05/2011 13:57

I would invite all the children in reception /year1.

GentleOtter · 22/05/2011 13:59

My little girl was never invited to birthday parties, Christmas things etc yet had to listen when the other children in her class spoke about the fun they had.

There was one older child with sn at the school and we invited her up to play or share birthdays.

Sorry I cannot contribute more to the thread but it still upsets me to this day even although dd is now 14.
Many of the pupils at the school she now attends have spoken about the exclusion and loneliness they felt at primary school and how sad it made them feel.

MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanieleyes · 22/05/2011 14:00

Certainly. My son had a boy with severe autism in his class but always made sure he was invited every year, no matter how few other friends he was intending to have. The boy didn't always come, depending on the activity they were doing for the birthday, but his mother always said how happy she was that her son was invited.

mrz · 22/05/2011 14:01

I would never leave one child out if I was inviting the rest of the class but if it was a smaller group I would leave it to my child to decide who to invite

Mamaz0n · 22/05/2011 14:03

My DS is 10. He has never been to a birthday party.
For a large part he was unaware and so didn't mind. But on the odd occasion he did realise then he would be very upset and want to know why he couldn't go. I cannot tell you how painfull it is to try and make excuses so as to avoid the truth. "sorry sweetheart but you just aren't wanted"

helewele · 22/05/2011 14:03

Yes, they should. My DD is in p1, and has been excluded from a few class parties already. She has ASD, and has a full time CA with her, so the parents 'know' she is different.

At the parties she has been to, I've stayed with her, and she has joined in and really enjoyed herself. I think if you decide to have a class party, it should involve all the children- this is what we did for DD's party in Dec.

TBH, I was really upset about it, especially as she watched the others get invitations, and it was left to the CA to explain why she was 1 of 2 not to get. :(

Peachy · 22/05/2011 14:07

DS wasn't invited but tbh I understood that as he has behavioural issues (not that i'd have left him there but anyway people clearly think I would for some reason).

DS3 though is the opposite and yet no invites. In fact the aprents used to be really nasty to him: having a go at him becuase he had a TA (non verbal, ASD child- verbalnow but was in year R). A go at him. Getting betwene him and his TA and deliberately puting TA's hand into their NT child's, breaking his routine so he would get distressed and we'd have to go home then replay routine a few hours later.

One aprent wanted all SN and poor kids banned from seeing Father Christmas as they were a drain on the state - I mean, I can;t even look her in the eye now 3 years on! The PTA Chair and I almost walked off and left her to it that day!

Inclusion can work and work well, ds1 managed all primary and will go to an inclusion led base in September, comp age. But it has to be inclusion in the dimension of community as well, funded properly (yeah right atm!) and fully committed to by teachers.

DS3 eventually crashed at primary, and in year 1 I got him a aplce at a Base. He ahs thrived: he isn;t very included except for PE / assemblies due to attention span but he is happy. At teh end of MS a Governor took me aside and said nobody would tell me but he was crying in a corner all day Sad.

CarGirl · 22/05/2011 14:08

we've only ever had small parties but dd did choose to invite a dc from her class who has 1 to 1 support due to is adhd. I didn't realise this and thought it a bit unusual that the mum wanted to come too but it wasnt an issue and I just included the older sister as part of the party who also had SN (which I was aware of).

I am glad the Mum came as I may have been out of my depth without her there! Sadly their boy/girl friendship grew apart Sad.

If I were in the same position again I'd still invite a child with SN but I would perhaps speak to the parents and ask if there was anything I needed to consider to ensure they felt part of the party iF I didn't already know the child well enough IYSWIM.

I still can't get over how some people invite 75% of the class just excluding a handful makes me Angry IMHO it has to be all or small IYSWIM.

CarGirl · 22/05/2011 14:10

Peachy that is awful, I am [shocked] at how cruel people and professionals can be.

Batteryhuman · 22/05/2011 14:13

My DS is now 19 and I can still feel the hurt I felt on his behalf at not being invited parties. The best thing about the move to a special school in year 4 was that parties started again although they tended to be a bit chaotic!

My youngest is 9 and does not have special needs and I have spent the last few years forcefully explaining to other parents why it is so wrong not to include the SN kids in their party plans.

gramercy · 22/05/2011 14:21

It depends on the size of the party and the needs of the child.

If it's a whole-class party then of course it would be mean to exclude one child.

If it is an "activity" party I suppose many parents might be concerned that they wouldn't be able to cope. I've not been in this position, but I think I might feel awkward about asking a child's parent to accompany them when no-one else was bringing a parent.

Also as children get older they form tighter friendship groups, have smaller parties and some - NT as well as SN - children don't get invited to many. Dd went to two parties last year - she's not particularly gregarious and has few friends.

peeriebear · 22/05/2011 14:24

My Dsis has Down's Syndrome and was invited to so many parties at primary school it seemed to be every other weekend. She is quite an odd little person and doesn't really play with the other children- she tends to sit and watch- yet was always invited. It was a very friendly small school if that makes any difference.

elmofan · 22/05/2011 14:25

Sad peachy and mamazon thats just awful . My ds (now 12) rarely got invited to parties when he was younger as he was not a "popular" child and could be very hyperactive . My heart used to break for him .

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 22/05/2011 14:27

I had one parent tell me that all SN kids should be in SN schools because they take too much time from teacher so "normal" kids miss out! Shock

you can imagne my reply!

StickyFloor · 22/05/2011 14:27

Yes, people can be cruel and hurtful but it is not always just as simple as let's ignore the SN kids.

My dd (7) has SN and is invited to everything, but then the other parents know that I always stay and help out so it makes no difference to them at all.

Another child in the class is beginning to be left out - his SN is not as severe as dd's, BUT his mum never stays, and it makes life very difficuly for the host parent. She has complained about her son being left out but will not accept it is because she won't stay and help out, she just says it is discrimination. IMHO in this circumstance I don't blame parents who don't invite him as it would ruin the whole party if there weren't spare adults to mind him.

FWIW ds (7) has been left out of a few parties and he doesn't have SN he just isn't very popular, which is heart-breaking.

Peachy · 22/05/2011 14:28

We still get it from same aprents now: ds3's taxi drops off at the school now (he only has it becuase I can't take the boys to separate school, miles apart at the same time).

Mums stop and glower at the driver / escort and me quite often.

Luckily I am now able to glower straight back at them in return, and our wonderful Escort does the same also.

Peachy · 22/05/2011 14:29

Sticky fair enough but I would stay if they were invited: they just never asked or invited.

DilysPrice · 22/05/2011 14:31

If I was inviting the whole class (or all the boys/girls) then that means all.
The problems arise when a) parents invite 8 kids to their parties, so think they don't have to worry about exclusion, but in fact some children never get a single invite all year b) a child's SN cause them to hurt their classmates, so parents want to protect their own DCs by excluding the "trouble-maker" c) DC wants to have an "activity" b'day party which one of their classmates can't take part in (many can be adapted, but not all). DD fancies a dancemat party at the local leisure centre. One of her classmates (not her BF) could not possibly take part - what do I do?

Fortunately the SN which stop DS getting many invitations also prevent him from noticing or caring (at the moment).

elmofan · 22/05/2011 14:31

Jeez peachy how do you keep your cool at people like that ? seriously i would go berserk at their ignorance .

Ishani · 22/05/2011 14:32

I don't invite those who physically hurt my children at school and it doesn't matter what the reason behind thatis I'm afraid. If that means it's the SN child that doesn't come then so be it, other non violent SN have been invited, there's usually more to it than meets the eye.

thisisyesterday · 22/05/2011 14:33

yes, of course you should.

this is why no-one at ds1's school knows he has ASD. because I know it would change how they think about him
if he doesn't get invited because other kids don't like him then so be it, but I won't have people not inviting him becausse of a label

Peachy · 22/05/2011 14:33

And yes Gramercy absolutely whole class parties only.

Thing is with ds1 I get it. One parent banned him from all the events she does and told him; I have backed her all the way as ds1 was horrid to hers. I back her decision entirely.

But even then she is subtle; one Mum lined her patry goers outside the door and made them wave at ds1 before elaving! Luckily he didn;t cotton on but I confess that was the only time hitting anyone ever tempted me as unbeknown to her I was stood right behind.

Now I dont claim our school is a norm; apart from a riny catchment that we happen to lvie in it is very ahrd to get into and very academic, I know soem aprents feels we shouldn't have a place on catchment alone. They also assume the boys are 'stupid' and bring the school down when in fact ds1 is 2 years ahead in his reading. Ours is very much a small village, unique academic school and not a typical place. Indeed ds3 is unversally dored by the mums of the MS kids in his primary.

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