Should you invite the child with special needs to parties/ playdates??

[mebaasmum]

I have heard of several incidences recently of the one child in the class with additional needs never being invited to parties or playdates even when its a whole class party. It smacks of discrimination to me. To my mind it is the reason why inclusion cant work no matter how inclusive a school is. The school cant make parents be inclusive.
The parents I know whose children have suffered in this way have been very upset.
What do you think?? BTW my son with addional needs is older and past this phase. I was thinking reception/year 1 where views are set and parents /children start making friends

I got so sick of it in the end we had a 'loser's party' and invited the kids nobody else did (ds3's class)- several have gone on to be diagnosed with SEN in facxt.

Was a great laugh, really enjoyed every minute of it!

'I always remember a boy in my sisters class. (30years on). He was often dirty, clothes fit for the bin and plasters keeping his specs together. They had a bin to put christmas cards in in the classroom, said cards distributed couple of times a week. He never got a card. My mum was in tears and sent him one from my sis and then several other ones from other pupils, unknown by them!!
Not special needs i know but wasn't his fault that he was as he was.
'

When we were little there was a family locally with MASSIVE issues; gambling, drinking, violence- Dad walked into a classroom and tried to hit the etacher and my 7 eyar old sister one day, and was in prison a lot. Mum used to let him play in the pool all summer (with liquid soap as a bath ) and darm his undies for him, and was forever subbing them 50p for the electric even though we weren't exactly rolling in it.

In the end dad tried to strangle eldest and 3 were taken (twins have been in prison most of their adult life now and their sister is on heroin), eldest was left as classed as too old at 16 to rescure (was a long time ago) and he ended up a noted choir boy and has his own family. He must have had so much inner strength to survive that childhood.

I just don't understand how you all know which children in the class have special needs......

But in answer to the OP, I have never done a whole class party but if I had, yes of course I would invite everyone.

Mine have TA's so obvious really

there is a little boy in dd's class that has downs, he has been invited to and attended all of the whole class parties. It never crossed my mind not to invite him to dd's party. I welcome that fact that my daughter will grow up knowing that although not everyone is the same it doesn't mean they can't all join in/ be friends.

Sorrry to be lazy - just read the 1st page. I'd be fuming. What a poor example to set to your kids to exclude others because they're different. Nasty bastards the lot of them. We had this problem in reception, and they said that invites couldn't be handed out in class because of this.

I just don't understand how you all know which children in the class have special needs......

Well the lad in DS2's class had a TA that was with him
He moved to a special school that is for children with lerning disabilities
He would be the only child in the class in the class that would be making a high pitched wailing noise with his hands over his ears whilst rocking backwards and forwards in family mass.
etc etc
The clues where there really.

I think the clues to ds were the constant 1 to 1 support attached to him, he didn't talk, he usually managed to make his presence felt in assemblies (usually made enough noise to get himself out), sports days (threw beanbags at HT and then his TA did 4 circuits trying to catch him ) and concerts (usually didn't even go in as his screams put everybody off) and had probably assaulted every child and adult who was unfortunate enough to get within throwing distance. He had a reputation that preceded him tbh everybody knew who he was and I did the walk of shame twice daily .

How to know that a child has SEN?
They have a TA 'just' for themselves.
TA will probably have a word with the mum at the end of the day, everyday.

I am sure most parents know whether there are such TA in their child class.

Not all children with SN will have their own TA, and if you're a WOHM you won't see them talking to the parents at the end of the day anyway.

I only know about children in DCs class with SN if they're visibly obvious, like blindness or Downs; if gossipy DD considers them noteworthy; if I happen to be friends with the parent; or if the teacher tells me in order to explain something that's happened to my DC in class.

After year 1 I didn't get involved in the DCs classes, so any child who's joined or moved class since then is just a name to me.

At my sons state school there have been several all year parties ie 60 children although sometimes this is for two children sharing a party. My son is one of just 3 to be excluded. The other two are a SEN girl with a disabled mother who smokes (not sure if they are most offended by the smoking or the disability but both are commented on) and the only child born overseas who has always been excluded from everything as have the parents.

I have had mums saying in front of me that it is so nice the whole year are going to x?s party on several occasions and I have made it clear how totally unacceptable it is in my opinion but they always blame it on the children being allowed to choose who to invite. This is 5th and 6th birthdays so in my opinion the parents are totally responsible for teaching their children such unacceptable behaviour. It really hurts to sees ones child treated like this. I can so sympathise with mothers still upset about this years later.

As for knowing about the other children or who may need extra support we have mums in class every day helping so thanks to this everyone knows exactly what reading level each child is on, which table for literacy and maths and full reports of their behaviour. In my experience even the working mums get updated on this at birthday parties/socials. An additional aid to ensure that everyone is totally aware is a chart on the classroom wall timetabling every child in the school who has to go for extra support for viewing at parents evenings!!!!! Sorry but I have no idea how any of this can be permitted.

But unless you're helping out in the class how would you know a child has a TA just for them?

Am I missing something here? I used to pick up from the playground when my dds were in KS1 but I didn't know the finer details of what goes on in the classroom...

My dd has a little girl in her class with SEN and a full time 1-1 TA. In reception (whole class party) she was invited to dd's party and attended. In yr 1 (12 out of the class invited) DD didn't have her on her list. I think this little girl has been invited to fewer parties this year than last, partly because many of the parties are smaller but also because her mum always leaves her, saying she'll be fine, but the child actually does need a 1-1 adult. The party parent ends up spending the whole time helping this child rather than spending time with their own child on their birthday or being available to help everyone. I'm sure the little girl would have more invitations if her mum stayed with her and helped her enjoy the party - I understand she wants to encourage her independence, but all it means is that the 1-1 job falls to whoever happens to be there.

Dancergirl - because the children know who does what in the class and my dd comes home and says things like "you know Mrs D - the one who helps X...."

As 9 of my class are on the SEN register, I suspect that birthday parties would be rather barren affairs without any of them!

I realise that posters on here are using 'SEN' to mean 'Moderate to severe special needs' but it certainly isn't true that SEN is always visible, nor that it attracts 1 to 1 TA help (I wish!).

Most children with some SN/SEN don't have dedicated TAs. DS has been on/off the SEN register & has never had a dedicated TA.
I just asked DC if anyone in their classes (y2, y4-5) has a special helper just for them, DC came up with 1 name in each class (one I've heard before, and both children whose faces I wouldn't recognise), but DC were confused about who other helpers help. Really not "obvious".

Guess I should be grateful to be out of the loop. I don't need to know any of that. I only have very fuzzy idea how well any partic classmate of DC might be doing academically/socially/behaviourally.

Yes I'm with teacherwith2kids there. There are two children in dd's class with TA support dd and one other so I imagine that most people would class the two of them as the SEN children. But I'd imagine there are up to ten others who would be SA or SA plus so technically SEN but probably not recognised by the parents on the yard.
The children and their parents would probably refer to Mrs B as asdx2dd's TA whereas they call the class TA Mrs K.

This topic upsets me because of our personal experiences. Of course you should but sadly not only my ds with SN but his twin sister have been excluded because of him having SN. I hate the society we appear to live in and my poor 5yo dd is having to grow a thick skin very very early on thanks to such vile people.

Of course you should still invite. It is definitely discrimination not too, and definitely out of order.

I could never exclude a child because of a special need, and would simply ask the parents if there was anything I could do to ensure the child was able to join in fully, etc if this was appropriate too.

Tbh I have no idea if there is anyone in ds class with SN, or who has never received an invite to a party, how would you know that ?

There is one particular boy in ds2 class who is close to being excluded but he is NOT SN! Just a pain in the arse, he had his own birthday party cancelled by his mother

Parents of children with SEN didn't choose for their child to have SEN.

Children with SEN didn't choose to have SEN.

SEN means that child is still a child with a live worth living and worth knowing.

SEN is not an illness that can be caught by being in the same room as someone with it.

Parents who choose to treat SEN children differently and specifically exclude them from whole class parties are clearly not the sort of narrow minded, short sighted mis informed parents that I would want to be assoiated with.

A simple 'can you stay with her' or 'is there anything that we need to be aware of' is all it takes - we live with it 24/7 so know our children the best and easily know what they can and cannot handle.

Nokissy, a child whose behaviour is so severely disrupted may well have SEN even if not SN; and it's my experience that very many of thsoe children might not be diagnosed but have a low level Sn that has not been picked up. Heck, I know a lot of SN kids through the boys and naby have disorders missed or not dx's until very late on- teens at least, esp. when MH difficulties come into play.

I assume all chjildren near exclusion have an SEn when I deal with them. It's never a negative- I beleive discipline is as essential form children with SEN as not, although that often must be modified to their needs. Quit often something will click with a child who has never responded to authority if you try every trchnique you ahev to hand, and a lot will eb SEN linked. What's th stat anyway about priosns- 705 illiteracy? A SLT I know tells me that SN is extremely prevalent in the prison population, and I know BIBIC did some great work on that a few eyars back.

rebl that's sad

Am trying to set up a lcoal group for teh siblings of children with ASD as they ofteen ae excluded.

DS1 has had poor behabviour at school: he ahs 1-1 now but it took many eyars for us to get agreement on that and in that time he quite effectively ran the school: this is the child who ran his playgroup FFS, told them what to do when and was even able at 3 to talk them into allowing him to fetch breadknices (verbal age at 5- 16 to 21. Think machialellian / dictator and you ahve that side of him- also has a lovely side but struggles to control which he rpesents I think).
DS1 goes to comp in September but I dread to thnk what will happen to ds2 who si gentle and kind; every child that ds1 bullied, tormented or 'ran' will see their oppostunity and some will take it I bet. And whilst ds1 had a TA to protect him ds2 will have nothing. I am really worried for his safety.

There are two children in my son's class always excluded from parties. My son (hfa) and a little girl who's a traveller.

My son does have social problems but is very well behaved and had made a few friends in class. Little C is a gorgeous, well mannered girl but not accepted due to her background.

I'm the only parent who speaks to her mum in the playground. In fact I had another parent sidle up to me and whisper "you do know they're pikeys don't you?" I feigned bad hearing and said "what? Pisces? I'm capricorn, what difference does a star sign make?"

I have to say I used to get upset, now I just pity their narrow minded attitudes. My son isn't particularly bothered, he doesn't seem to notice but I feel so sad for 'C'. :(