Should you invite the child with special needs to parties/ playdates??

[mebaasmum]

I have heard of several incidences recently of the one child in the class with additional needs never being invited to parties or playdates even when its a whole class party. It smacks of discrimination to me. To my mind it is the reason why inclusion cant work no matter how inclusive a school is. The school cant make parents be inclusive.
The parents I know whose children have suffered in this way have been very upset.
What do you think?? BTW my son with addional needs is older and past this phase. I was thinking reception/year 1 where views are set and parents /children start making friends

My boy is black and blue at times from other boys kicking at hitting him, it's a regular playtime 'game' for them. He won't retaliate or defend himself because school rules say no fighting and he wouldn't dream of going against a rule.

I'm still admiring you redcarnations. Have you ever considered becoming prime minister?

I do go and stand next to the excluded mum- it was easy for me because her son took a shine to my older son so I can't take much credit. I'm doing it for selfish reasons - I'm "paying it forward". DS2 has special needs. He isn't bullied yet, but I figure that the more I stick my neck out for excluded parents now, the more likely we are to have a culture where someone will stick their neck out for my family in the future.

People who exclude others forget that one day they may be vulnerable too.

My older son got lots of grief for inviting this "naughty boy" to his party btw.

I remember when I was about ten I was playing out with a friend, and we had befriended some children who were staying nearby on holiday (it was a seaside type town, lots of holiday homes). Anyway the parents of these children came out and said they were going to the beach and would my friend like to go with them, right in front of me, and didn't ask me. Friend's mum wouldn't allow her to go on the basis that it's just rude to ask one and not the other.

It would never ever occur to me to exclude a child on the basis of sn. It wouldn't even occur to me to assume that a child couldn't participate (re comments further down thread about child in wheelchair not being able to play). Am mercyfully past the age of whole class parties anyway but I think that to deliberately exclude one child is actually unforgiveable.

I have never done whole class parties - the school the DDs go to have 2 classes for each year and 30-40 children gets too expensive! Therefore I have never excluded one child from any class, but there are a couple of children I would not invite, mainly because their behaviour to my daughter has been unacceptable (not SN, AFAIK, just ill brought-up).

That said, there is a little boy whom DD1 was at playgroup with, who now goes to a SN school further away. He has come to DD's parties up until this year (when she had 5 children to go to the cinema) and DD loves him - he enjoys being 'mothered', and DD1 adores looking after him. I would be a little more wary if his mother left him alone but she always stays - sometimes little things can distress him a lot, and I don't think he knows me well enough to let me comfort him (and I don't know him well enough either, TBH). Mind you, I think DD1 herself could probably do it - at another party to which they'd both been invited, his mother came to find me when I came to pick DD1 up. The little boy was getting visibly upset by something, and DD1 had taken him by the hand and gently led him out of the room and sat on the stairs with him singing songs and chatting till he felt better. His mother was thanking me and congratulating me on DD1's behaviour- I can take no credit, she's just a kind little soul!

My mum always proudly tells the story of me at infant school insisting that the boy down the road should come to my party every year 'because he doesn't go to many parties mummy'

I have done many many things of which she is not proud in the intervening years I must add!

I am aghast at some of the stories on here. I must be quite naive

"she tears up my daughters invitations and throws them in the bin at school"

One thing I've noticed at school since these social inclusion/exclusion issues became a burning priority: it's often the "well-behaved" children of parents who pride themselves on being very kind who engage in this sort of behaviour. We had exactly the same - the "naughty boy" sent Christmas cards, and it was the alpha male who tore up the christmas card in his face.

Poledra - your dd is great.

Thereisnotry, your post made me want to throw a party and invite your little girl immediately
Its absolutely unbelievable that anyone could allow their child to exclude a classmate like that. And also shocking, tbh, that the rest of them go along with it. GRRRRR.

Thank you lingle but the country would go to the dogs. I can barely manage to run a house at the minute never mind a country :)

I just get so angry when I see meanness and exlusion, I was dragged up by alcoholic parents who thought more of the bottle than their children. I was the one laughed at by my classmates for being different. Thankfully my aunt took me in when I was twelve and encouraged me to educate myself.

I've never excluded a child on the basis of SNs. It's only an issue in DS2s class where there is a boy with ASD. He;s one of DS2s friends and we've had him over for tea (he behaved impeccably - far better than my son!) and his mother was delighted. It was a non-issue for me. He;s been to parties too, why wouldn't he? Provided the child can cope with the situation (it wouldn't be fair to put them right out of their comfort zone) I don't see the problem.

its up to the parents to decide the comfort zone though surely..one can turn down an invitation, but it's still nice to be asked?

Yes, it is (and I thought that as I typed it). I remember chatting to this boys mother about it and explaining the set up.

sucks doesn't it neverforgethowmuch !

All our children will grow up to be lovely lovely people and will no doubt attract other lovely people and will be much happier than these meanies.

Yes, I daydream about that often as well.

Sandybalsl I ahve advised people to complain about ds1 and steer clear as this only helped my case for him getting a TA at break times; it was still year 6 before DS got one though. He has hurt many people, I have scabs atm from him.

Plenty of other little tyrants in his year with no obvious SN.

Likewise, ds3 is a sweetie and so is ds4; plewnty like them as well without SN.

I remember inviting a child whose behaviour was appalling to a party and him being wonerful in that setting- small play centre, loads of chancr yo burn off energy. I have come across him many eyars later by accident (he and my ds3 went off to different SNUs) and he still remembers me and still responds better to me than most (know his Mum but lost touch for a while).

I'd never put my kids at risk and i would neer ask anyone to put theirs at risk either. there's still ways of doing it though; parading outside in my class as in my earlier post not one of them, and as for tearing up Christmas cards- WTF? (actually ds1 made one for our neighbour and she put it through the door torn up, she has a dispute with our LL but she knew about ds1's AS and she knew he might find it; at that point I decided she must be a sick bunny and neither of us has spoken in four years and this is no loss)

neverforget see my post earlier- eaxtly what we did LMAO

Best party we ever had and amde some friends too. fab!

My DS isn't even one yet, so parties haven't really arisen. But after reading this there is no bloody way I'd exclude children with SN - in fact I will make extra effort to ensure they're included. I hope I would have done that anyway, but reading these stories has really smacked home how hurtful such exclusion is. And how damn rude and intolerant a lot of people seem to be!

Some of these posts are heartbreaking and make me feel so angry!

I work in my DD's school and am well aware of who the SN children are. One particular little girl in DD's class has very severe behaviour problems but I included her on the list for DD's party. Another Mum said on the day "You're brave - inviting X!" I was too gobsmacked to reply at the time but I wish I'd thought of a quick comeback at the time.

lemonmousse, I'm not sure that "brave" is the right word but, if we are being honest, I think you were being brave. I would be nervous to invite someone with severe behavioural problems to my DC's child for all sorts of reasons ranging from the fact that I have no experience with SN and would be worried I wouldn't be able to deal with any issues that arose to worrying about DC and his enjoyment of the party. Obviously these are surmountable problems and I like to think I would rise above them but I think it's disingenous to dismiss them out of hand and not see that it does take a little "courage", if you like, to take that step outside one's comfort zone.

well, its not "brave" to invite my DD who would just flap her hands and sing, but noone does.

Fanjo, I'm sorry if I am coming over as insensitive - I'm really not trying to be but rather just trying to say what I (and I suspect a lot of other mums) feel. I think it is easy to forget that someone with SN is daunting to someone who has no experience with it. Reasonable people would take steps to address this and find out what they need to know to step outside their comfort zone so as to include everyone but it does require people to be proactive and quite often we are all guilty of not finding the time to be so.

Up the thread someone talked about a mother of a SN child sending an email round explaining her DC's condition etc. I imagine that that would be quite a hard email to write but I would find something like that REALLY helpful. It would help me to understand the particular condition (because I know less than nothing about most of them) and what I could do to help. Without having exposure to someone with a particular condition, it is difficult to know what would be welcome and what wouldn't be. People are afraid - rightly or wrongly - of what they don't know and it can then become something that you don't feel able to ask or talk about.

It would be helpful but not many schools would give you the contact details of all the parents in school, mine wouldn't. I really don't think it takes much effort to invite the child and then say to the parent if they accept "would you like to come as well " or "is there anything I need to know Re x that would help at the party"