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Primary education

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Original poster

Should you invite the child with special needs to parties/ playdates??

126 replies

mebaasmum · 22/05/2011 13:52

I have heard of several incidences recently of the one child in the class with additional needs never being invited to parties or playdates even when its a whole class party. It smacks of discrimination to me. To my mind it is the reason why inclusion cant work no matter how inclusive a school is. The school cant make parents be inclusive.
The parents I know whose children have suffered in this way have been very upset.
What do you think?? BTW my son with addional needs is older and past this phase. I was thinking reception/year 1 where views are set and parents /children start making friends

OP posts:
Thereisnotry · 24/05/2011 10:42

I have signed up to make this comment I am usually a lurker Blush

My daughter has ASD. Every year a particular girl at school has several parties not just birthday parties. She also has christmas parties Halloween parties, summer garden parties. Every child in the class is invited except mine. This girl tells my daughter it is because she is a "weirdo". My quiet, kind, easily bruised little girl comes home and cries herself to sleep every time.

This year my dauther leaves primary school for good, thank God. This girl and her family are throwing a leaving party for all the girls and again my daughter is not invited. I cannot imagine what kind of human being would do this to a child. How could they ?

Thereisnotry · 24/05/2011 10:42

sorry about the typos !

Thereisnotry · 24/05/2011 10:43

Also, my daughter always includes this child on her invite list but she tears up my daughters invitations and throws them in the bin at school.

unclefester77 · 24/05/2011 10:49

Yes of course!!!

redcarnations · 24/05/2011 10:50

It's so sad for your daughter thereisnotry but be thankful she is better than the vile creature! Sadly our children will face discrimination all their lives for something beyond their control :(

Society sucks, if any other group of people were deliberately excluded the way disabled people are there would be an outcry.

glesgal · 24/05/2011 10:50

I have always had behavioural problems since I was a little girl. Nowadays I would probably be though to have adhd or aspergers but nobody cared what it was called back in the 70s. I was never invited to parties and excluded in so many ways, with the result I was scarred for life and the perpetrators will be much safer if they never cross my path. The psychological damage done to a child by sidelining in this way can not be too strongly emphasised and I am hoorified that here in 2011 it still goes on. Parents and teachers have their role to play in this and they set the example to the kids. I am determined my own DC do not go through the same, and it's hard enough with undisabled DC.

This makes me cry.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 10:51

yes, but people don't.

i cant believe you are actually ASKING this as a question, not very well worded.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 10:54

my DD has been at her preschool of 26 kids for 18 months..and has been to one party....so do the maths

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 10:55

and she is not disruptive she just cant speak and makes funny noises and is like a younger child

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 10:55

..and she loves parties Sad

Thereisnotry · 24/05/2011 10:56

I have often thought of talking to the mother of this girl and have not done so. It seemed unwise. I know the school have talked to her about it. BTW my daughter is not outlandishly difficult to deal with by any means. I think i will talk to the mother on the day we leave. No doubt it will not go well but I can't help myself Grin

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/05/2011 10:57

I am honestly astonished by these posts. How could someone host a 'whole class' party but leave one child out! That's just incredible to me. At DS's school, and his previous school, it tends to be whole class parties or just the boys or girls. I think people would notice if one child was left out, and would say something.

Thereisnotry - I absolutely agree with you - what sort of person behaves like this? what lesson are they teaching their own children?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 10:58

one dad asked another kid and her mum to his daughters party in front of me and DD< there was only 4 of us in the tiny room, didnt ask DD

Hullygully · 24/05/2011 10:59

People are unbelievable vile and cruel.

I am horrified and I am going out to kill them.

Peachy · 24/05/2011 11:00

Hugs Fanj

Best party we ever had was just the 'SEN@ kids (including those who did just not fit in). Secpond best was this halooween and whilst ds1 invited some very NT kids, they were by defaullt well raised through being friendly with him (and sorry but those who pick on Sn kdis are quite definitely not) and got on brilliantly with the children who had Sn, including a child from ds3's SNU: what's more it was easy on the aprents- when a mu msidled up to me and said he can't have a few things I almost wet myself laughing, tehre's nothing we cannot cater for LMAO and no way the blue pop nand the like she was worried about was coming in this house anyway.

Also got to meet a few mums and dads with sn kids in a relaxed environment which was lovely as SNU is all taxi based and it's best to erm, keep to yourself if you stand out ehre.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 11:02

Peachy..we are planning a whole class party for the children at DD's new school for her birthday, the kids all have severe SN, will invite friends with NT kids too, it will be interesting :)

silverfrog · 24/05/2011 11:02

dd1 (ASD) has been to one party - our neighbours invited her to their son's 2nd birthday party (she is the sam age). she went, had a whale of a time.

by the time the 3rd birthday party came around, thoguh, she was obviously too "different" and didn't get invited that year (same size party - all the local kids, etc etc). they stopped askiing her over to play in their garden too, so she used to sit on the windowsill watching all the other childrne play and ask to be taken over - how do you tell a 3 year old that she can't go and play in the garden with all the childrne she has grown up with?

would echo others on the thread - if it is a whole class party, then the whole class shoudl be invited.

if dd1 got an invite, I would be on the phone straight away explaining to the other parent what was needed/whether it was practical etc. but just to be thought of would be nice.

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/05/2011 11:04

Fanjo that's just mean and bad mannered. I know that sort of thing happens to every parent sometimes, but it sounds as if your DD is being deliberately left out.

redcarnations · 24/05/2011 11:07

I agree that the kids who pick on those with SN are definitely not well raised. Not trying to do a 'poor me' post but my husband died in Jan. My son came out of school one day a few weeks later and the teacher told me he'd been very upset and crying during the day. One of the other mums turned to her friend and said "huh, I hope he hasn't disrupted the class with his tantruming".

I was staggered at how insensitive a grown adult could be. They all knew my husband had died. He was grieving ffs!

HRHShoesytwoesy · 24/05/2011 11:10

it is horrid when your child is left out because of sn, never happened at school as dd goes to an sn school, but outside, seeing her face and tears when she has realised she has been left out is heartbreaking.
ffs all the sill parent had to do was speak to me, I would have stayed and looked after her.....

lingle · 24/05/2011 11:10

Yes, you should.

"I'm the only parent who speaks to her mum in the playground. In fact I had another parent sidle up to me and whisper "you do know they're pikeys don't you?" I feigned bad hearing and said "what? Pisces? I'm capricorn, what difference does a star sign make?"

Grin redcarnations Wine redcarnations Smile redcarnations Grin

stillstanding · 24/05/2011 11:10

Thereisnotry, your posts have actually made me cry - I can't imagine the pain you and your DD have gone through.

My children are still little so birthday parties mainly consist of my friend's children and I haven't yet got into the politics of this. I agree that parties should be the whole class or very small numbers.

And I like to think that I wouldn't make this mistake but wonder if I would? Obviously if you invite the whole class it is obvious what has to be done but if it is a small number, would I consider the SN child or inadvertently not include him if DS wasn't friends with him? It is all too easy (adult or child) to ignore someone who is different. I am really glad for threads like this one which heighten my own awareness and make me more conscious of what needs to be done.

sandyballs · 24/05/2011 11:11

If the whole class is invited then it doesn't seem incredibly mean to leave one out, regardless of special needs.

However, looking at it from another angle, my DDs have been bullied, hit and harassed by a girl in their year with special needs, which I have written about on here several times, so I would definitely not be encouraging them to invite her anywhere, not that they would want to! I used to take the approach that she couldn't help it, she had problems etc, and I'd tell my DDs to take that into consideration but it has gone on so long without any effective measures being taken by the school or her parents that I've lost patience and now tell the girls to stay right away from her and have nothing to do with her.

Sad it has come to this but I warned the school and the mum (who is a good friend of mine) a year ago that it was heading that way.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2011 11:12

my DD has never hit anyone in her life

Thereisnotry · 24/05/2011 11:15

niether has mine

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