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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant, and I don't think I want to be. What are my option?

86 replies

JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 08:43

That, really. New relationship, contraception failure.
Relationship is great, but too new to withstand this I think.

Should I tell him?

If I don't tell him, how fast can I sort it out, given that I'm at most 4 weeks?
I've been having sex on the pill for the best part of sixteen years and never had a fuck up, so I have no clue what to do.

OP posts:

PetiteBateau · 14/12/2015 08:48

Go & see your GP ( nhs option)
Speak to Marie Stopes ( paying option)

thequickbrownfox · 14/12/2015 08:49

Go to your GP. If you decide to have a termination they can progress it very quickly. I had one four weeks ago (medical rather than surgical), and it was done very quickly.

for you, it's so hard dealing with a pregnancy you don't feel you can see through. My only advice would be to make sure you are 100% certain of what you want if you do decide to terminate, it's an emotionally challenging thing. Also, I'd recommend the pregnancy choices board on here and some real life support so you don't have to go through it alone.

Original poster

JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 10:39

Do I tell him? He wants kids more than I do, he's ten years older and broody.

He's also been in this situation before, and the girl had the baby but refused to let him see her. The baby is 14 now and apart from supporting her financially has never seen her. This messed him up for some time.

I'm pretty sure I don't want this pregnancy to continue but I'm worried that he will want the baby.

OP posts:

HooseRice · 14/12/2015 10:40

Tell him, I think. Though this is 100% your call.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2015 10:44

You don't have to tell him if you don't want to, but if you're planning on staying together and it comes out that you had a termination without telling him that would probably be it for your relationship.

You are the one who had to make the final decision, but I think it is best to tell him.

thequickbrownfox · 14/12/2015 10:45

If it was me I'd tell him, and discuss it with him (it's his child too), but it's your body and ultimately your call.

Be very sure you want to terminate, there's nothing worse than living with regret afterwards. A quick read of the Pregnancy Choices board threads helped me be realistic about what I was faced with, and I know I'm going to live with the decision I made every day for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision for me at the time, but it's been hard to cope with at points.

You say it's a new relationship - how long have you been seeing him?

Zippidydoodah · 14/12/2015 10:48

Exactly what thequickbrownfox says above. You have to feel 100% like you've made the right decision, either way. And I'm sorry but I do think he should know.

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 10:53

Do you see the relationship as having a future? Are you afraid he will try to pressure you into having a child you don't want/or are not ready for?

This is your decision, regardless of what he thinks. Yes, I think it would be good behaviour to tell him - and if you see a future for the relationship, I think you have to disclose this - but do so in the context of a decision you have already made, if you see what I mean. Even if it means the end of a relationship. It would be quite mad to allow the wishes of a very new boyfriend to override your own, especially when he's got his own issues about this from his past experiences.

Best wishes, OP.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 10:54

Maybe you should have a chat with your gp/Marie stopes and see if that helps you to clarify what you want to do and what the options are and then you can decide whether you wish to tell your partner.

I hope this does not sound harsh but if you have such strong differences of opinion about children etc, than perhaps you are not suited to be together long term.

bobsalong · 14/12/2015 11:00

I think he really has a right to know. He can't stop you from terminating if that's what you want, but you've seen how much it's hurt him not being involved before. I think it's very unfair for anyone to not involve the father in a decision like that.

Hope you make the right decision for you, it is a tough call

Original poster

JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 11:00

Four months, but although we don't officially live together and I still have my own place, I stay at his every night, do my washing there and keep my clothes there. All Christmas cards are addressed to both of us, he's coming to my family for Christmas, we're having his family at his on Boxing Day. It's all pretty serious.

I do want kids with him, just not yet.

OP posts:

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 11:02

For the record I do think you should tell him but I think you should have a firm decision of what you want to do first. Otherwise you may be persuaded to have a baby you don't really want which I don't think would be a good result for anybody. Of course you may decide you want the baby, I just think it has to be your decision.

SteamPunkGoth · 14/12/2015 11:19

What a horrible situation.
As this man isn't a ONS, & you do want a future with him, then I think you should tell him.
But obviously, your body, your choice.
Best wishes OP.

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 11:27

It's up to you if you tell him or not. You don't necessarily sound like you're set on a decision though so I'd have a think before speaking to him. Getting the initial appointment out of the way and having a chat with a HCP may help with the decision-making as well.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/12/2015 11:29

I think you probably owe it to him to tell him, because you are serious about each other. But you may find he cannot accept your decision to terminate (which is absolutely your decision) and that your relationship ends over this.

What you do is entirely up to you, and I would nver want it any other way. But you say you do want kids and you want them with him. Think carefully. How old are you? Even if you are still young, nature may throw you a curve ball. I got pregnant nine times between the ages of 27 and 37. Miscarried six of those pregnancies, and the mcs were by no means all at the later and of those years.

On another aspect of this, it sounds like things are moving pretty fast between you - I wonder if you are sure that you are comfortable with this?

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 11:29

Posting these types of threads in Chat gets you more traffic but it can also attract some anti-choice posters at times. If you think that's likely to upset you or detract from any advice then I'd ask MN to move it to Pregnancy Choices.

Thurlow · 14/12/2015 11:30

I would tell him. Even if you are 100%, it is still a difficult procedure to go through, in terms of hormones and stress etc. Though if you keep your options open about what procedure you have (medical can often be arranged sooner than surgical) or maybe travelling a little bit to a further clinic.

It is entirely your decision. But if he is a decent man, he deserves to know the truth.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/12/2015 11:31

I think you should tell him. The situation you describe with him sounds like a fairly serious relationship? I think he deserves to know...

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 11:33

Jasmine, some of what you're saying concerns me a bit in the circumstances. Four months seems very early to be almost living together, sending out Christmas cards together and planning to have children together some day, and I would worry that you will feel pressured into having this baby by a very new, older partner whom you describe as broody and with his own past issues surrounding a child he does not see. It strikes me as a very good thing that you are thinking very carefully about this pregnancy, rather than adopting an 'It'll be fine, we're in love, X will want it' approach.

I think it's even more important in these circumstances for you to make a decision based on what you really want, and not be steamrollered into a major, irrevocable step.

KatoPotato · 14/12/2015 11:33

There's a 'pregnancy choices' topic on MN. I'm sure you'll get a lot of support and advice there. You're going to be okay X

sixesnines · 14/12/2015 11:36

Agree with OddSocks it's up to you whether you tell him or not. I've had two terminations and didn't tell my partners at the time. It meant I could focus on the decision being right for me, as it would have been me who'd have to deal with the consequences. Your relationship might feel serious now but it's still very early stages, four months in.

I would go private if at all possible as the NHS take longer to deal with it which can make a difference to the type of procedure and how you feel about it.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 11:40

Hmmm. I don't think you should let the situation with your partner's DD affect your decision. He is wrong to present himself as the victim in that scenario. If he really wanted contact with her he could have gone the legal route to get parental rights and regular contact. I understand that it's hard but it's not impossible.

If you tell him you're pregnant, do you think he will put pressure on you to keep the baby, or do you think he'll respect your right to make the decision? I'm inclined to agree with the PPs who advised you to tell him after you've made your decision.

Practically speaking you should see your GP and/or contact BPAS. I think they will offer your counselling if you want impartial support to help you make your decision.

Good luck.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 11:45

sixesnines
"I would go private if at all possible as the NHS take longer to deal with it which can make a difference to the type of procedure and how you feel about it."
BPAS can do it quickly (if you want them to) and on the NHS.

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 11:48

I think it all varies by area. I went to the family planning clinic and got the choice of NHS hospital, Marie Stopes and BPAS all within 5 days. I went with BPAS because the location was best and had the counselling and procedure done on the same day. They were really good and well worth talking to if you need help making the decision.

cestlavielife · 14/12/2015 11:52

so you early 30s? and you want kids? and you want kids with him?

always your decision but you cant rely on having later a kid when you do want one...

have baby if you want a baby.

not for him.

could you go alone with a child if relationship breaks up?

otoh if your instincts say no definitely not now then go talk to someone professional asap

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