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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant, and I don't think I want to be. What are my option?

86 replies

JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 08:43

That, really. New relationship, contraception failure.
Relationship is great, but too new to withstand this I think.

Should I tell him?

If I don't tell him, how fast can I sort it out, given that I'm at most 4 weeks?
I've been having sex on the pill for the best part of sixteen years and never had a fuck up, so I have no clue what to do.

OP posts:
DiorSausage · 14/12/2015 11:52

OP you are not obliged to tell him anything right now. Decide 100% what you want to do first and then if you feel like he can offer you support and practical help then tell him. If you suspect he will try to manipulate/coerce you then tell him nothing.

Also, I'm rather skeptical about his desire to have kids given his complete failure to attempt a relationship with his existing DD. A mother can't just not allow a father to see his child. Either there's more to it or, quite frankly, he couldn't be arsed. I wouldn't have a child with him either way.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 11:54

That's what I was thinking, Dior.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 14/12/2015 12:08

Hi all - we're going to move this over to Pregnancy Choices.

thequickbrownfox · 14/12/2015 13:42

I'm not sure it's fair to speculate on the issues with the DP's older DD... I know one traditional "bad dad" (my dd's) who doesn't see his child and it's all his own fault, and another lovely man who has not put a foot wrong and been stopped from seeing his DD at every turn by her mum. Everyone's circumstances are different.

Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 14:15

I think he was 27 when the child was born. He's 42 now, so has probably grown up a bit since. He didn't have the resources available to take her through the courts at the time, apparently, and massively regrets not seeing his child.

I've just POAnotherS, one of the digital ones that says how many weeks. 2-3 apparently. Fuck fuck fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 14:17

I'm nervous of telling him I think because I feel like I've fucked up. I didn't miss a pill, wasn't ill or on antibiotics, but I'd taken responsibility for contraception to make sure this didn't happen and I didn't have to make this decision.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 14:22

"I'm nervous of telling him I think because I feel like I've fucked up. I didn't miss a pill, wasn't ill or on antibiotics, but I'd taken responsibility for contraception to make sure this didn't happen and I didn't have to make this decision."

If you were taking the pill, you didn't fuck up - you were being responsible and unfortunately the contraception failed. It does happen. Some people use the "belt and braces" approach (eg pill and condoms) but I don't think anyone is going to blame you for not doing that! IMO it doesn't help to blame anyone even if they did make a mistake. We all make mistakes, we're all human. It's ok.

Maybe you could book an initial appointment (BPAS, Marie Stopes, family planning clinic) and go to that before taking to him. It might help you to feel calmer about talking to him if you've made the first step and have a plan?

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 14:26

Everybody is aware that contraception isn't 100% effective and that pregnancy is a risk you take when you have sex. If he blames you for getting pregnant then he's a twat and you're better off with him out of your life.

Do you feel like you've made a decision on the pregnancy yet? I strongly advise you speaking to a professional.

Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 14/12/2015 14:44

I'm going to make an appointment at the clinic before I talk to him, so I feel like I have a plan. I have no idea what his reaction is going to be. I'd probably feel like I should keep it if he was adamant that he wanted it.

We have talked about kids, I do want kids with him eventually and he'd make a great dad. He's kind, level headed, financially stable and intelligent.

I just want to enjoy it being the two of us for a bit longer.

OP posts:
mellowyellow1 · 14/12/2015 17:14

I wouldn't tell him, just as I've been in a similar situation and it made it a lot harder than it should have been, give yourself time to process it and decide what you want to do without any outside pressure.

NameChange30 · 14/12/2015 17:30

"I do want kids with him eventually and he'd make a great dad. He's kind, level headed, financially stable and intelligent."

With respect, it's hard to tell what kind of dad someone is going to be even if you've been with them a long time, and you've only been with him for 4 months. Often you don't discover how someone acts in demanding, difficult or stressful situations until you've been with them for a significant length of time. Of course some people move in together and/or get married and/or have children after a very short time, and it all works out, but it doesn't always. It sounds like you don't want to rush things anyway, but I do want to make the point, at risk of pointing out the obvious!

OddSocksHighHeels · 14/12/2015 17:35

What Emma said. 4 months is a very short time and, I know you said he's grown up now, but he already is a father. Has he made any effort to try and get back in contact now that his DD is in her teens, I think that could tell you quite a bit about him.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 17:42

Sorry to pile in on you op but I was about to say exactly the same thing as OddSocks and Emma. Four months really isn't long enough to know what kind of father he'll be. I'm glad you've decided to book an appointment first.

Also, don't feel as though you fucked up. You didn't. You took the pill as per instructions, it just isn't 100% effective. That's nobodies fault, least of all yours.

Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 15/12/2015 10:13

I haven't told him, and I don't think I will. I tested the waters a bit last night and told him that I had thought I was pregnant all weekend, but had POAS yesterday and I wasn't.

He looked hopeful, then disappointed, then said, "it wouldn't be the end of the world if you were you know."

Well, actually, I think it would. I want to just be a couple for a bit longer, and maybe start to try towards the end of next year. I did say this.

I think if I told him, I'd be under enormous pressure to keep it, and I just don't want to. I also think I'd cave, and end up with a baby I don't want. I'm just going to sort it out asap and hopefully it will be over by Christmas.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 11:10

Thanks for the update. Sounds like a wise decision not to tell him, or at least not yet. No woman should feel she has to have a baby she doesn't want just to please a partner!

Good luck getting it sorted.

OddSocksHighHeels · 15/12/2015 11:12

That's fair enough. I know a lot of people say that he deserves to know but, if he's going to be making you feel bad, then that's your decision to make.

Good luck whatever happens Flowers

Thurlow · 15/12/2015 11:15

That sounds reasonable. You know him, and if you feel like there would be pressure to continue with the pregnancy and guilt if you did terminate, then you know best what you feel comfortable with.

Fwiw, he might be a wonderful man but yes, 4 months into a relationship is very new and anyway, if you're not ready then you're not ready, and that's all that matters.

Will you be with him over Christmas or will you have a few days away? I'm just thinking of the practicalities of being a bit 'under the weather' for a few days.

OddSocksHighHeels · 15/12/2015 11:20

That's a good point actually. I felt physically fine after mine but was told no sex for 3 weeks due to the chance of infection.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/12/2015 11:32

This is not meant at all in an anti-choice kind of way, not in the slightest (I am done baby-wise and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I were to get pg again I would terminate). But if you are considering children in the near future - and towards the end of next year is near, really - terminating now might, if you are unlucky with conceiving later on or have mcs, be a course of action you later regret. I think also it should probably give you pause that you have now actively lied to him. If you are envisaging a future with him, it's not impossible that this could come back to bite you.

I have masses of sympathy with you - it's clearly not a good time in your relationship for this to have happened - but this has the potential to cause difficulties further down the line and I might consider coming clean IIWY. What you do is still your decision, of course, but I think it's fair to allow him to make his (about your relationship) also, and this situation may even prove the making of it.

Whatever you end up doing, good luck. Flowers

NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 11:39

Hetero On the contrary, I think if the OP feels that her BF won't be supportive and will put pressure on her, therefore she has to lie to him about the pregnancy, it doesn't bode well for the relationship. I think telling him is more likely to break it than make it, as you suggest. In any case if the OP does want to tell him she can always do so after she's had the abortion. She sounds sure to me and I don't think she'll regret it. But if she wants to think it over some more she can always get counselling, which has the benefit of being impartial - unlike her BF!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/12/2015 11:56

AnotherEmma, you are of course right that it could go the other way (and I do agree that her feeling she has to lie might ring a faint alarm bell). I guess it's just very hard at this stage to tell which way it will go - which makes things doubly hard for the OP (sorry OP for 3rd person).

cestlavielife · 15/12/2015 12:09

do what is right for you. if having a baby in nine months time isn't right for you, then a relatively simple medical termination is the answer.

but you are now going to have to lie to him again post procedure to explain eg why no sex.

you lied to him already - you need another lie up your sleeve... tho i guess you could say test was wrong initially if you later come clean.

thequickbrownfox · 15/12/2015 17:07

Hi OP, just a quick heads up that you might also feel very up and down afterwards for a bit - worth knowing in advance. I went through with our termination a month ago now, and spent the next three weeks feeling very volatile, emotional and just generally all over the place. I'm sure it's different for everyone but I also went through enormous pits of despair and feeling quite guilty too.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally this week, but had an unexpected bleed yesterday (dramatic, but only for about 5 mins), which I see now can sometimes happen after the medical option.

Just a bit of advice to maybe prepare in advance if you feel you want to be alone, or need some space for the immediate aftermath. Hope you're feeling ok, it's one of those things that you can only prepare for to a degree as you really don't know how you'll feel afterwards, but if you're sure it's what you want to do it can only be the right road to take Flowers

Original poster
JasmineBuckles · 16/12/2015 20:23

I've been for a consultation today. The internal scan showed I was pregnant, but not pregnant enough to do proper measurements so I'm going back in two weeks to have a medical abortion when they can properly see the pregnancy.

This makes sense with my dates apparently.

The second of the two dates they have given me for the medical abortion coincides with the day my partner goes away for work for ten days, then I can be 'on' or ill for another ten days. He won't die for a few weeks without.

I don't want to lie to him, I love him and I want to be with him. But I know he'd want this baby, and I know I really don't, so I don't feel
like I can tell him.

We are still in that moony, head over heels so in love stage, and haven't hit any bumps in the road to test things. It's all been hearts and flowers. I don't want the first bump in the road to be a baby.

OP posts:
OddSocksHighHeels · 16/12/2015 20:34

Just to clarify - my comment about no sex for 3 weeks was more that he might find it unusual and not that I think it's his God-given right to sex on demand.

Good luck with the procedure, I hope it all goes well for you.