I'm pregnant, and I don't think I want to be. What are my option?

[JasmineBuckles]

That, really. New relationship, contraception failure.
Relationship is great, but too new to withstand this I think.

Should I tell him?

If I don't tell him, how fast can I sort it out, given that I'm at most 4 weeks?
I've been having sex on the pill for the best part of sixteen years and never had a fuck up, so I have no clue what to do.

Sorry it's too early, that's a pain having to wait. But it's good that it coincides with his being away, as that may give you the space you need when you go through the procedure. I had a medical termination and it wasn't that bad really, I just felt like I was having a very bad period and was a bit tired and under the weather. If anything, the worst bit was the antibiotics they have me afterwards, which really didn't agree with me.

I'm glad you had a good consultation though and still feel confident with your decision

Good luck and hope it goes okay for you.

Just to echo what others have said about being up and down afterwards, possibly a bit lost and emotional. I was totally unprepared for that side I thought it would just be like a switch and I'd feel back to my normal self straight away but it took a good couple of months and a lot of crying (actually pretty much went into a deep depression but that's another story)

I'm not in anyway trying to frighten you hear so apologies if it comes across like that, just think it's good to be prepared and know that if you don't feel yourself for a while then that's normal.

I'm glad that you can get the procedure to coincide with him being away for 10 days, that's lucky.

Have you told anyone? A close friend or anything?

Jasmine far be it for me to put you off as you seem to be clear about what you want, and I think your reasons are sound although your relationship is likely to head into choppy waters as one lie already told will spin into lots more. I would echo thequick, Mellow and Thurlow to say be prepared for a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally.

I don't want to bore you with what happened to me, but put it this way, post aboriton I had major guilt issues despite huge support from my DH and knowing I wouldn't cope with a 4th child. Physical side effects are more unusual but they can happen. I bled for more than 8 weeks very heavily. I couldn't have hidden this from my DH. I am still having to go into hospital on a weekly basis for blood tests as my post abortion HCG levels did not fall normally. I was told at one point that I might have a molar pregnancy which is a form of cancer. To say this has been a stressful 9 weeks is a massive understatement.

I know many people can get through an abortion, medical or surgical without a glance back, and good for them. I really thought I would too. But if you have a medical procedure, you have to give birth to the foetus and you do feel it slipping out of you, and if you are unlucky, you see it too. Hands, feet and all. I do regret not having a surgical procedure, not just to avoid this, but also as I retained significant foetal tissue which resulted in my ongoing bleeding.

Finally, just be aware that a common post abortion reaction can be a strong desire to 'make up' for the aboriton by conceiving another child. Had I known what I was letting myself in for, I do wonder sometimes know whether the cost of it all has been worth it, and whether I am an idiot for not just letting nature take it's course.

I'm sorry things have been rough ohdear but your physical side effects are extremely rare. The guilt is something that some people will feel but most, statistically, don't. An emotional roller coaster at first while hormones settle is pretty common (I was fortunate not to experience this at all). I'm not convinced that it is common for women to attempt to conceive post-abortion either? Unless statistics with TFMR are included in that but they are different psychologically.

I had a surgical procedure too as I wanted it all done in one day and don't regret that choice. OP has time to decide on if she prefers surgical or medical but how on earth would anybody see a 6 week old foetus coming out amongst all that blood? They don't even have hands and feet at that age! That part of your post was really too much, not helpful and inaccurate IME.

I'm very sorry you have been through such a hard time, ohdear, and that you are continuing to suffer.

However I just wanted to reassure the OP and anyone reading that with a medical termination at 6-8w, as most are, you will not see hands, feet and all, nor are you likely to be able to differentiate the fetus from the blood clots and womb lining you will lose.

Yes, it is heavy bleeding, but you do not feel just the fetus pass out.

I accompanied a close friend to her medical abortion. She was kept in until the pregnancy was gone, and she didn't see anything really, I think it's just like a very heavy period. She was a bit hormonal afterwards, but that's normal - it's just the hormones settling down. She didn't struggle with feelings of guilt and she definitely didn't feel compelled to get pregnant again afterwards! The whole point was that she didn't want to be pregnant and didn't want to have a baby!

I sympathise with PPs who found the experience difficult or upsetting, but I don't think it's particularly helpful to share with the OP at this time.

Oddsocks and Thurlow -sadly I am one of those unfortunate people and it was hard - very hard. I wish if been more prepared for that eventuality as it haven't even crossed my mind.

OP, it's good you have a breathing space for the bit of time afterwards. I really hope it goes ok for you and is as straightforward as possible.

I don't think I'll even be six weeks when I have it done, I had to take a pregnancy test in hospital on the 6th (for a completely unrelated reason) which was negative. The one I took on the 14th was positive.

I can't believe I've been this unlucky to be honest, we only had actual PIV sex twice in the whole of November, as first he was ill then I broke my hip.

I am worried about the lying, but I know he will want to keep it, and work it out, and live happily ever after. I dont want a baby yet.

I do feel pregnant. My boobs are massive, I can smell EVERYTHING, I'm over-emotional and short tempered, and generally feel nauseous most of the time. This doesn't make me broody, I just want it out of my body.

Pregnancy is dated from the date of your last period, six weeks was a rough guess because I know they can't perform a termination until a certain point (which I thought was 6 weeks but I'm a little hazy on memory there).

I get the feelings of unfairness - I got pregnant the only time in a year that I'd had sex. It seems ridiculous doesn't it? I also kept my termination a secret from my DP at the time so I'm not judging you in the slightest there!

I seem to be lucky in pregnancy and don't really get symptoms, apart from my boobs ballooning, but they did say that symptoms can take about 2 weeks to settle so you might still feel pregnant for a while afterwards and that's ok and normal.

thequick I'm sorry you found it hard. Everybody reacts completely differently to all sorts. I hope you're feeling better now

Can you keep this secret for as long as you are together, maybe forever?

What if you can't get pregnant when you want too? If he leaves as he wants a child more than he wants you will you be okay?

There are many things to think about. I hope whatever you decide it all works out, and not just in the immediate future.

Thanks so much. Feeling a lot better but boy, I wish I'd been more prepared for it all, the physical and the emotional side. Beforehand I was totally pragmatic, knew I didn't want to be pregnant.

OP, I felt exactly the same as you've just described - sick, cumbersome, tetchy...also just wanted it gone.

It's such a hard thing, an unwanted pregnancy. I wish you all the very best with it - I did go through a stage of desperately wanting to undo it, but those feeling have subsided. I'm just very fortunate not to have had any real complications like ohdear (how are you btw??). Although I did have a very sudden and dramatic bleed the other morning, I think that's it finally over and things have settled down at last.

If you go ahead with the abortion, the relationship works out great and this time next year you're considering trying for a baby - will you tell him about this?

No judgment here but you will either have to come clean at that point - and risk the relationship then because he may take the news very badly if he would be OK with a baby now... OR you will have to keep it a secret for ever.

I don't intend to ever tell him. Its either tell him before, or never, as I don't think he'd forgive me if I told him after the fact.

I've thought about what I might do if I can't get pregnant when we plan it, and yes, I would feel guilty. But it would be a separate thing, I still don't want a baby now.

I have a very physical, outdoor job which I would have to either stop or scale right down if I were very pregnant, it's bad enough trying to do it now. I'm self employed with my own business, so no maternity pay/leave. I'd be reliant on my DP financially, and I think I want him to be a DH before that happens. I've had this conversation with him, so he knows where I stand. The 7th can't come quickly enough to be honest.

Sorry to hear that some of you have had complications, I can only hope it's going to go smoothly. The clinic I'm getting it done in let you go home with a friend straight away, so a friend, the only person I've told, is coming with me and I'll spend the afternoon at her house.

I'm glad you've told a friend and she can be with you on the day.

It's sad really that he wouldn't respect your decision if you told him beforehand, and wouldn't forgive you if you told him afterwards. I don't think I'd want to be with the kind of person who'd put that much pressure on me to have a baby at any time, let alone after only four months.

Btw. Personally I think the argument of "what if you can't get pregnant later when you're trying" is a bit ridiculous. You managed to get pregnant without even trying so that's a pretty good indication that you're fertile! And if you have difficulties later you will deal with them at the time. Abortion doesn't have an effect on later fertility - I wouldn't be surprised if that's a myth peddled by the anti-abortionists.

AnotherrEmma - it is a bit "ridiculous" not to consider the fact that secondary infertility might be a reality. It can happen if if you have never had an abortion. I never said they were linked.

I think you should walk away tbh. Never telling him is huge given you know how he feels. Keeping such a big secret wouldn't be my idea of an open and loving relationship.

I hope things work out for you, OP, and your boyfriend, whatever you do. Be it together with a baby or apart.

I think I have heard that used by anti-choicers actually. Blatant load of crap!

It more than likely will all go smoothly, the vast majority do. I walked out of the clinic once it was done and straight into work. Couple of painkillers needed and that was it. I hope yours goes equally well and spending the afternoon with a friend sounds lovely

Please read at the top: this is not the place to be debating ethics. I had two unplanned pregnancies, one is my DD who I love and would do anything for, the other I terminated and have never once regretted that decision. Your personal opinions and choices are of no relevance to the decision another woman makes.

"Your personal opinions and choices are of no relevance to the decision another woman makes."

Well said OddSocks.

Gin, this is a board specifically for supporting women who are going trying to make decisions or going through a termination. It is not a place to call a woman selfish or petulant because she has chosen to make a different decision than you did.

Like OddSocks, I have had two unplanned pregnancies. One is my DD, who, yes, is an absolute blessing. The unplanned pregnancy after her I terminated without any regrets.

You'd do well to remember that we are all "unique" and make different decisions in life.

So the only choice is to abort, per this board?

How about supporting women to see their unplanned pregnancy as a blessing, and for them to plan a wonderful future together?

There is never just one choice but if a woman says that she's decided on abortion then this board is for support. We aren't here to talk anybody out of a decision they've made.

An unplanned pregnancy is not always a blessing. My first was, my second wasn't. I was in the same relationship with both pregnancies as well. Thinking of how things would have been if I'd had a baby makes my blood run cold, it wasn't right for me. And that's ok. And it's equally ok for any other woman to choose to abort for any reason that she sees fit. If you're against abortion then stay off the pregnancy choices board, I'll happily debate the topic with you elsewhere, this thread is not the place.

No, this board is for judgment free discussion of each individual woman's decision. There are threads on this board where the poster makes the decision to continue the pregnancy, and threads where they make the decision to terminate.

Saying that you kept your pregnancy and are happy you did is helping talk a poster through their decision.

Calling them "selfish" is clearly not, and I'm amazed you can't see the difference.

This board, which took quite a lot of debate to set up, was created so that women would have a safe place to discuss their feelings and talk through their decision without any name calling or judgment. Please respect that and keep discussions about what you feel are the rights and wrong of termination to other boards.