Wanting to find Jesus but struggling.

[ALittleRoundCat]

I am dictating this, so apologies for any mistakes.

Also this is the religion/ philosophy section so if you do not believe in Jesus or anything that I am talking about please be respectful of the section and spirit this has been posted in and exercise your right to scroll onto the next post please.

I was raised a catholic, baptised as a baby, I went to catholic primary and high schools, but I never really felt a connection to it. In fact, I hate it being forced to go to church on a sunday and the whole going to hell thing used to scare me so much as a child.

As I got into my teenage years, I started to refuse to go to church, and in my teens, I dabbled in paganism and all sorts.

I always believed in something bigger but couldn't pin it down.

Anyway, I am now in my forties, and I really feel drawn back to Jesus. I can't explain it.I don't know why.But for about 2 or 3 years now, I just keep thinking about Jesus and living my life with him and wanting to trust him to help me change my life.

About a year ago I attended a funeral with Mass as at a Catholic church and again felt nothing. No emotion at being in church or being part of that service.

But on my own, at home I feel the urge to pray. I secretly listen to hymns and uplifting songs and cry with emotion.

My sister is a Born again Christian and keeps asking me to attend her church. I don't want to. I don't want to go to mass or meet people or anything like that, I have bad social anxiety and its just not somwthing that interests me.

But she said her friend can baptise me. That this feeling and calling is Jesus asking me to trust him and hand my life over to him and the only way to do that is through baptism.

I told her I wouldn't be attending church or anything but was really considering doing it.

I told my husband who is also baptised Catholic but is agnostic verging on athiest and he got really upset.

I was shocked. He said what am i selling my soul to? Who is this woman, what am I signing up for, what is the churches beliefs.

And then he said - what if you do this and then when we die, we aren't together because Catholicism is the real thing and you invalidated it by getting baptised again.

I cried my eyes out.

I have OCD and extreme anxiety. My whole life is me living in fear of making a decision that will bring harm to my family.

That is why I have been wanting to hand my life over to Jesus. So he can help me with this burden of negativity but my husband saying that just terrified me.

And it makes no sense as we baptised our eldest child purely to get him into a good school and his siblings followed on a sibling connection so didn't get baptised.

So if he was really worried about us not being together in heaven why didn't he baptise our subsequent kids?

I just feel so sick and lost.

I felt so sure that this would be good for me. Washing away all my guilt and lonliness but now i just feel confused and scared.

I told my sister what happened and shenis saying i have to get baptised that its jesus thats calling me to do it.

But again I feel like she is talking from the influence of her church. Another man made religion that had beliefs I don't adhere to.

This is why I felt such a disconnect from Catholicism, the fear and guilt of doing the wrong thing and there being punishment in the afterlife for it. I just want to live Jesus without all the red tape.

And now I don't know if getting baptised will save me or condemn me.

Has anyone been through similar?

Atheist here. I don't agree with your reasoning that religious discussion is only for believers.

Can I just ask, how is your Bible knowledge ?

Read any of Richard Rohr's books. Honestly, it sounds like you would benefit so much from his perspective. He is a Catholic priest but has none of the dogma or judgement. You might not resonate with all his views but give him a go.

Fgs.

I'm asking that people don't come here and go 'non of its true anyway so stop worrying'

I am asking for advice from people that have been through a similar struggle.

Im not saying this board is only allowed to be used by people of faith.

I am just saying that I am firm in wanting to explore my beliefs after years of athiesm so please respect that and don't try and disuade me.

I’m Catholic, and I actually think there is something very beautiful in what you’re describing — particularly that you feel drawn to pray and to Jesus when you are alone, even though you don’t feel anything particularly dramatic in church. Faith doesn’t always begin with an emotional experience. Sometimes it begins very quietly, with a desire to know Christ.

But please don’t let anyone frighten you into being baptised again. If you were validly baptised as a Catholic, you have already been baptised. Catholics believe in one baptism, and baptism is not something that needs to be repeated every time someone has a conversion or renewal of faith. A Catholic baptism is recognised by the vast majority of other Christians too.

Your sister may genuinely be trying to help you, but I would be very cautious about someone telling you that you must be baptised again because Jesus is calling you. That isn't the Catholic understanding of baptism. In fact, if you were already baptised, attempting to baptise you again would not be the answer.

And I think there is an important distinction between coming back to Jesus and joining a particular church. You don't have to have everything worked out before you begin seeking Him. You can simply pray. You can say, “Jesus, I don't really understand all of this, but if You are calling me, please lead me. Help me to know You and show me what is true.” That's a perfectly genuine prayer.

I'd also gently say that, given what you've said about OCD and anxiety, I wouldn't make a major spiritual decision while you are frightened about getting it “wrong” and bringing harm to your family. God isn't waiting to catch you out. Christianity isn't supposed to be an endless anxiety about whether you've accidentally made the one wrong decision that will condemn you.

Catholicism certainly teaches that our choices matter and that sin is real, but at the heart of the Gospel is God's mercy and love, not a God looking for reasons to punish someone who is sincerely seeking Him.

And your husband's fear about you being baptised again separating you from him in heaven isn't something you need to carry. You aren't going to “invalidate” your existing baptism by discovering Jesus again. You don't need to choose between loving your husband and seeking Christ.

Perhaps, rather than being baptised by your sister's friend's church, you could quietly speak to a Catholic priest who is kind and understands anxiety — not because you have to commit yourself to anything immediately, but simply to tell him exactly what you've written here. You could even explain that you don't want pressure, guilt or fear; you just want help understanding what this longing for Jesus means.

You don't have to solve your whole life today. ❤️

For now, pray. Read one of the Gospels — perhaps Luke or John — slowly. Talk to Jesus in your own words. Ask Him to lead you into truth.

And remember: if this really is Christ drawing you, you don't need to panic and rush. Jesus is not going to be frightened away by your questions. He can meet you exactly where you are. 🙏

I felt so sure that this would be good for me. Washing away all my guilt and lonliness but now i just feel confused and scared

If you have OCD and anxiety and you're feeling low, religion is not going to magically fix this. Are you getting professional help?

Also we have a Christian mumsnet board with lovely Christian posters who will happily try to help you.

There is only one baptism, the baptism you had as a baby is valid. You do not need to be rebaptised. The work of God is not dependent on humans getting things perfectly correct.

You don't have to go to church to be a Christian, but google for groups in your area who describe themselves as "forest church" "alt worship" or "emerging church" to see whether anything likecthis might work for you.

Consider attending a Quaker meeting, where there areno obligatory beliefs or prayers.

I am very cautious of any branch of Christianity that upholds itself as the only true path and rubbishes or invalidates other paths. This applies equally to Catholicism and Evangelicalism. Certainty in ones own rightness is not a desirable or edifying trait.

You sound like you’re in a dark place and no amount of religeon is going to help.

Have you considered counselling for depression and anxiety?

I would repost there or ask for this thread to be moved. I think you will get more understanding posts.

You've been baptised. I wouldn't worry about being re-baptised, baptised in a different Christian tradition, or reaffirming your baptism vows right now. This is especially true if it is causing you to worry. You are already baptised.
I was baptised as a baby in the Church of England then again as a teenager in a Pentecostal church. I think of the first one as my real baptism now. I don't regret the other one, because I chose it freely and I was part of that church community at the time so it meant something to me.
Maybe if you find a church or Christian tradition you feel comfortable in in the future you might choose to do their version of baptism. For now, you are already baptised, so feel free to continue to explore praying and learning about Jesus in a way that feels comfortable to you.

But all that is from a Catholic perspective and I really don't feel any connection to the church at all. I really don't 'feel' Catholic. It was something that was done to me, as a baby. With no understanding or choice in it.

I feel a connection to Christ but not to the Church, at all.

I have no intention of trying to de-convert you or sway you. I am just interested in if you are a Bible reader. That's all. That is all I asked.

I think the most important thing is that you nurture that connection you do have with Christ. You don't need to force yourself to “feel Catholic” or pretend to have a relationship with the Church that you don't currently have.

God knows your heart, and He knows that you are seeking Him. Talk to Him, pray to Him, read the Gospels and spend time getting to know Jesus. A relationship with God isn't dependent on having the right label or on being able to make yourself feel something you don't feel.

If church doesn't feel right for you at the moment, I wouldn't let that stop you from seeking God. You can come to Him exactly as you are. Perhaps, in time, He may lead you somewhere you don't expect — but you don't need to force that either.

I would just encourage you not to walk away from Christ because you don't feel connected to an institution. Keep pursuing Him. God is much more interested in your heart than in a label.

I’d really encourage you to spend some time actually reading and studying the Bible for yourself. I stopped attending church when I was a teenager and, for many years, I didn’t really understand or connect with the Church either.

It was only when I started seriously studying Scripture that things began to fall into place for me. I started to understand why the Catholic Church teaches what it does, rather than simply seeing those teachings as something I’d been brought up with. That understanding ultimately brought me back to my Catholic faith.

So perhaps don’t feel that you have to force a connection with the Church right now. Keep seeking Christ, pray, read the Gospels and explore Scripture for yourself. You may find, as I did, that the more you understand the Bible, the more the Church’s teachings begin to make sense.

FFS @RedTagAlan . She didn't say that religious discussion is only for believers. She laid out the shape of this particular discussion, which concerns her own relationship with faith and is for people who might share similar interests or a similar trajectory.

Jesus definitely existed but I think his message has been skewed beyond what it meant.

I genuinely believe Jesus was probably enlightened and that he was saying ‘He is the way’ as in be more like him

Not necessarily go to church and worship him but just be like him.

Im from Irish Catholic family and whilst I almost feel creeped out when I have to go to the churches as to me they feel very oppressive I genuinely don’t think Jesus had that in mind when he was talking to people.

You don’t need to go to church to look within. It’s totally ok to focus solely on Jesuses teaching and try and follow them. The rest is just fluff

Why had this post irritated you so much you had to respond in this way? Why couldn’t you have just scrolled past?

As I said in my reply to the OP. Just interested. That's all.

Reading the Bible was how I became a Christian back in the day. And I am interested in how many people actually read it. I asked a simple question. That is all.

I am not irritated at all. I just asked the OP is they know the Bible/read it. That is all.

I suggest posters ignore Redtagallen to not derail OPs thread

OP, OCD is honorific and the feeling of wanting to hand over responsibility is natural. But religion will not provide the relief you seek. Do you have a therapist or a trusted friend who doesn’t want anything from you who could help you through this period? Professional help would be best if you manage it. Look after yourself, OCD is a sod.

One of the most amazing things I have come to know about jesus is how his love is unconditional

Not dependant on where I was baptized, or what my husband says, or my sister's attempts at control, not dependent on me being calm or perfect or fixed and sorted or having all the answers, not based upon which church I go to or how often I go

Just a pure, unconditional, steadfast love

Wishing you peace OP

Horrific not honorific

Im not catholic so my story is different to yours but I have spent the last year or so trying to find a church I want to attend. The first thing I will say is I also am very socially anxious and found attending strange churches difficult but you don’t have to stay and talk. You can 100% arrive just in time for the service then silently slip out at the end. If you were to find a church you enjoy the chances are you will find yourself becoming more relaxed and more interested in talking to people.

Also, and this is just an opinion, just because you were raised catholic doesn’t mean that is the only choice. Many churches live stream their services now if you did want to watch a sermon you could always start by joining a YouTube live stream and then try attending the church service if you enjoy how they work.

Re the baptism thing. Don’t stress about it right now. I grew up in a church that believed if you weren’t baptised you couldn’t be saved and was baptised myself at 17 (we didn’t believe in infant baptism). I had relatives who attended a church that believed baptism was a work and so were never baptised but seem to be a couple of the most devoted god loving Christian’s I have ever met. I refuse to believe that because they in their heart of hearts truly believed baptism was not the way they will be punished because they were not dunked under water. I think God looks at our hearts and whether we are trying to live the best life we can and following his word in the way we actually understand it to be.

You don’t have to make any of these decisions right now. I am currently struggling to find a church I enjoy local to me and so don’t attend one but every now and then give a new one ago. I think just keep praying, read your bible, read some accompaniments to the bible if you like and then maybe look into finding a church that suits you. I say this just because I think that church is important for us to have support and a great way to make like minded friends. There is also something great about getting so sing hymns out loud amongst other people where no one can hear my awful singing 😂

I went to a C of E secondary school. one of our vicars said that god is at the top of the mountain we just have different ways of getting up the mountain. You can go and worship wherever you want. You don't need to be bsptised or even go to church to have faith.
As for finding Jesus just be nice to people and try and be a good person. I have been to catholic services and i find them really in-personal especially funerals.