Wanting to find Jesus but struggling.

[ALittleRoundCat]

I am dictating this, so apologies for any mistakes.

Also this is the religion/ philosophy section so if you do not believe in Jesus or anything that I am talking about please be respectful of the section and spirit this has been posted in and exercise your right to scroll onto the next post please.

I was raised a catholic, baptised as a baby, I went to catholic primary and high schools, but I never really felt a connection to it. In fact, I hate it being forced to go to church on a sunday and the whole going to hell thing used to scare me so much as a child.

As I got into my teenage years, I started to refuse to go to church, and in my teens, I dabbled in paganism and all sorts.

I always believed in something bigger but couldn't pin it down.

Anyway, I am now in my forties, and I really feel drawn back to Jesus. I can't explain it.I don't know why.But for about 2 or 3 years now, I just keep thinking about Jesus and living my life with him and wanting to trust him to help me change my life.

About a year ago I attended a funeral with Mass as at a Catholic church and again felt nothing. No emotion at being in church or being part of that service.

But on my own, at home I feel the urge to pray. I secretly listen to hymns and uplifting songs and cry with emotion.

My sister is a Born again Christian and keeps asking me to attend her church. I don't want to. I don't want to go to mass or meet people or anything like that, I have bad social anxiety and its just not somwthing that interests me.

But she said her friend can baptise me. That this feeling and calling is Jesus asking me to trust him and hand my life over to him and the only way to do that is through baptism.

I told her I wouldn't be attending church or anything but was really considering doing it.

I told my husband who is also baptised Catholic but is agnostic verging on athiest and he got really upset.

I was shocked. He said what am i selling my soul to? Who is this woman, what am I signing up for, what is the churches beliefs.

And then he said - what if you do this and then when we die, we aren't together because Catholicism is the real thing and you invalidated it by getting baptised again.

I cried my eyes out.

I have OCD and extreme anxiety. My whole life is me living in fear of making a decision that will bring harm to my family.

That is why I have been wanting to hand my life over to Jesus. So he can help me with this burden of negativity but my husband saying that just terrified me.

And it makes no sense as we baptised our eldest child purely to get him into a good school and his siblings followed on a sibling connection so didn't get baptised.

So if he was really worried about us not being together in heaven why didn't he baptise our subsequent kids?

I just feel so sick and lost.

I felt so sure that this would be good for me. Washing away all my guilt and lonliness but now i just feel confused and scared.

I told my sister what happened and shenis saying i have to get baptised that its jesus thats calling me to do it.

But again I feel like she is talking from the influence of her church. Another man made religion that had beliefs I don't adhere to.

This is why I felt such a disconnect from Catholicism, the fear and guilt of doing the wrong thing and there being punishment in the afterlife for it. I just want to live Jesus without all the red tape.

And now I don't know if getting baptised will save me or condemn me.

Has anyone been through similar?

How is it derailing a thread to ask if someone who believes in Jesus has read the bible? It's pretty relevant.

Sorry you are having such a hard time, OP. I would suggest you follow your gut, which is telling you not to engage with your sister's church nor with the Catholic church. There are many ways to have a relationship with God and that can be a direct relationship not one mediated through a church- think of the early saints who lived in prayer and solitude.

I tend to feel a lot closer to God when I am on my own in the natural world than in a church with lots of people. Also in reading poetry- some religious, some not.

I would also suggest a trip to your GP if you are struggling with anxiety and OCD. It's not one or the other.

Would be good if we could avoid turning a thread by someone clearly struggling into a sea lion convention.

Can I ask you about your political and societal beliefs OP?

because you can go church shopping 😊

I have strong liberal political beliefs in my 50’s so I would now only go to a church that was liberal and compassionate. Also my daughter is gay so I would only be comfortable in a church where she could attend and/or get married as she’s a Christian.

Until the Anglicans get their act together (they will soon) then that really only means the Methodists or the URC.
A considerable number of Catholic priests have had to leave to get married (though some who are already married have been allowed to join).

If you’re liberal then it likely excludes joining your sisters church as when I was in a Pentecostal and Baptist church when a student they were anti any sex before marriage and a lot of my friends got married aged 18/19/20 (obviously now divorced). And often they’re anti gay practising etc.

I’m a Methodist and a woman and the church allows women to take all roles in the church, another position that’s important to me as I’m a local circuit preacher and my husband is a minister.

From a theological perspective your DH is wrong that you won’t be in heaven together if you go to another church, there is no biblical basis for this at all. There is a biblical basis for stuff related to that but is nothing to do with individuals or individual choices. So don’t let that factor in.

so a long winded way of saying that you can go church shopping if you want to and see where you ‘feel at home’. Your social anxiety may exclude that so there are other ways, for example I can think of a local retreat/nunnery that run very low key weekends and days for people to ‘be with God’ in a contemplative environment.

Whatever you decide I hope your journey is peaceful and you are blessed with the love of god

Try to find your faith first before putting a label on it like Jesus or Catholicism - it'll be out there...

I'm an atheist but this is absolutely lovely OP...

Bless you, OP! You are feeling the call of Jesus to come home. Don't worry about not 'feeling' - we aren't saved based on our feelings. We are saved based on giving our life to Jesus and repenting of all we have done up to that point.

Re: baptism, you don't need to be re-baptised. Baptism is just a public display of one's faith, it isn't salvific in and of itself, and doesn't require repeating as others have said. What you need to concentrate on now is finding yourself a church, and I'd suggest not the Catholic church which does tend to place a guilt burden on people. Place your trust in Jesus to change your life and He will do that.

Your husband sounds like he does not believe so he really should worry more about that than about you! Baptism doesn't give entry to heaven, only faith in Jesus Christ does that.

@GentleSheep Being Catholic doesn’t make me feel guilty. Quite the opposite.

My faith reminds me that Jesus died for my sins. He paid the debt I could never pay myself. I don’t have to live my life carrying a burden of guilt, because Christ has already taken that burden upon Himself.

Catholicism isn’t about constantly feeling guilty or believing that God is waiting to punish us. It’s about grace, mercy, forgiveness and love. Of course, we recognise our sins and repent when we get things wrong — but repentance isn’t the same as living in shame.

Jesus didn’t die so that I could spend my life feeling guilty. He died so that I could be forgiven, reconciled with God and live in the freedom of His love.

For me, being Catholic isn’t about guilt. It’s about knowing that I am loved, forgiven and saved by Christ.

Some church’s no longer preach about hell and damnation/punishment in the afterlife but teach the message of love and forgiveness. I have been listening to a Catholic church service where I was baptised as a child and for over a year they have not preached about hell and punishment. Also, I attended another Catholic church for the last two weeks and they did not preach about punishment in the afterlife either.

I was baptised in a Catholic church as a child and also received an education in a Catholic school from 4 to 19. We did attend mass at school and the occasional service, but my parents didn’t force us as children to attend mass on Sunday.
I have always been a Christian, but see myself as non denominational today. I attend an Anglican church today regularly .

Your baptism as a child is enough and some church’s will not allow you to be baptised again like the Anglican church.

I don’t think Catholic church’s preach about suffering in hell today more than other mainstream church’s. Times have changed for me growing up to they didn’t preach this at school anyway.

I developed my faith journey more at 16 and you don’t need to a Christian only if you go to a church. Going to church if you want to can help to strengthen some peoples faith if you do want to go.

I find the Catholic tradition the most compassionate towards mental health conditions. I feel very welcome there myself having had a chronic eating disorder from childhood and an autistic condition. Some of the Saints had great mental health suffering and afflicted and was greatly affected and was still seen as being holy.

@ALittleRoundCat As it says HERE : Because of His love for us, God has made it exceedingly simple to become a Christian. All you have to do is receive Jesus as your Saviour, fully accepting His death as the sufficient sacrifice for your sins (John 3:16), fully trusting Him alone as your Saviour (John 14:6; Acts 4:12). Becoming a Christian is not all about rituals, going to church, or doing certain things while refraining from other things. Becoming a Christian is all about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. A personal relationship with Jesus Christ, through faith, is what makes a person a Christian.

Do you understand and believe that you have sinned and are worthy of judgement from God? Do you understand and believe that Jesus took your punishment upon Himself, dying in your place? Do you understand and believe that His death was the sufficient sacrifice to pay for your sins? If your answers to these three questions are yes, then simply place your trust in Jesus as your Saviour. Receive Him, by faith, fully trusting in Him alone.

I was told, in School, that when I die there will be a cinema and everyone I have ever known will be seated there. And God will play a film of every sin I have committed in front of everyone.

This was my religion teacher and it really affected me badly for a long time as I had an abusive childhood and felt a lot alof guilt over things that happened, as a child I felt like it muct have been my fault, and therefore my sin. And so everyone would see it happen on screen in heaven.

I know now that is something completely made up by that man but I have never been able to shake of that fear of meeting God and my sins being bared to him because I have done some things I am ashamed of.

I am not a Roman Catholic as I do not agree with certain practices within that particular expression of doing church. I believe God is above all that denominational 'stuff' and meets people where they are. Personally, I have encountered a lot of people who had a Roman Catholic background, who struggle with confusion and guilt, but feel that I can stand easily alongside @Ipsevenenabibas with what binds us.

@ALittleRoundCat Try and forget what was done to you as a child who could not make their own life choices. It is okay to feel as you do. My parents had me 'christened' too - simply because it was a normal societal ritual at the time. That dunking did not mean I was a Christian. Water baptism in and of itself makes nobody a disciple of Christ, it is merely a 'next step' but not needed to find Salvation in Him.

Parents in my church bring their children to be dedicated to the Lord by the whole church being joined in corporate prayer for the child. The children can then make their own choice to be baptised as they reach an age to understand and consent.

After coming to Faith as an adult, it took me a good couple of years to decide to pursue Baptism. It was done by full immersion and I still remember as if it was yesterday, the whole church erupting into joyful song as I emerged from the dunking.

So wrong!

@ALittleRoundCat The day we repent of all of our sins, seek the Lord's forgiveness and ask Him to enter our heart and mind to renew them and give our lives to Him (ie, the day we become a Christian) ALL our sins are wiped clean by His blood sacrifice on the Cross. We have a clean slate! That is not to say we are sinless, but we are forgiven, in Christ.

When Christians die, we do so forgiven! The only thing that Christians will be 'judged' on when we face the Bema Seat is how many 'crowns' will be given to us because each and every one of us will be greeted 'well done my good and faithful servant'.

It is only unbelievers who will face the type of judgement that put fear into you! For Christians Perfect Love casts out ALL fear.

You don’t need to go to church to be close to Jesus. To some a church is just a building, if you feel more comfortable at home praying stick with that. He is where ever we are.

I have never been able to shake of that fear of meeting God and my sins being bared to him because I have done some things I am ashamed of.

He will know your sins before you get there

If this is true OP, and we all get to our own cinema screenings of mistakes and failures, then JC will be sat right next to me with the popcorn, and I'll laugh at every one single one of my errors saying 'lol, I was a right knob at times wasn't I, luckily you were with me'

And I don't mean this to sound crass or dismissive - I think you have been given some very unhelpful ideas which you don't need to carry

I don't remember being told this in a Catholic school. I had a good RE teacher.
Someone told this though last year below and I liked it.. This is just personal thought about a review and not scripture. Sometimes I think I would like to forget what went on to, but a summary I think would be ok of the most essential things.

"Well, biblically speaking believers will be judged at the judgement seat of Christ which appears to be more of an evaluation regarding our works and whether those works will be burned up or rewarded. But that doesn't preclude the possibility of a life review in which your spiritual advancement in your life on earth is reviewed. Or if not at the judgement seat of Christ, then you could just sit down with Jesus sometime and he could go over aspects of your life with you. I don't know of any reason why you couldn't

Really? Anyone who doesn’t believe in God will face all their sins and go to hell?

So unless we admire this God, we will get punished? How is that loving?

There are loads of threads on here to answer your question. The purpose for this particular thread is to help the OP who made it clear they wanted answers from Christians.

🍿

I wonder if you’d be so forthright if it was another religion being discussed.

Please don’t derail the thread

Simplifying your faith means focusing purely on Jesus's core teachings of love, grace, and compassion while letting go of heavy religious rules, traditions, and human judgment. It is about returning to a personal and simple relationship with God.

Core Focus of Jesus

• Love God: Put your whole heart into loving the Creator.
• Love People: Treat every person with kindness and care.
• Show Grace: Forgive others just as you receive forgiveness.
• Seek Truth: Look at how Jesus lived rather than man-made rules.

Letting Go of the Rules

• Drop Judgement: Stop worrying about judging others or feeling judged by rigid groups.
• Avoid Legalism: Ignore traditions that add heavy burdens instead of peace.
• Keep Prayer Simple: Talk to God honestly like a close friend.
• Focus on Actions: Live out your faith through quiet, daily acts of goodness.

personally my connection is church bells and hearing them ring, but so far thats as far as i got

You must never have done something truely shameful then, the things I feel shame for Jesus would not laugh at with me.

I don't believe there is anything you could have done that Jesus cannot forgive. He knows every part of you, including the things you feel deepest shame about, and He still loves you infinitely. His love isn't conditional on you being good enough or your past being clean. He died for our sins because He already knew exactly what we would get wrong. You don't have to hide your shame from Him — you can bring it to Him, because His mercy is always greater than our sin. ❤️🙏

Yes and Amen! 🙏