Wanting to find Jesus but struggling.

[ALittleRoundCat]

I am dictating this, so apologies for any mistakes.

Also this is the religion/ philosophy section so if you do not believe in Jesus or anything that I am talking about please be respectful of the section and spirit this has been posted in and exercise your right to scroll onto the next post please.

I was raised a catholic, baptised as a baby, I went to catholic primary and high schools, but I never really felt a connection to it. In fact, I hate it being forced to go to church on a sunday and the whole going to hell thing used to scare me so much as a child.

As I got into my teenage years, I started to refuse to go to church, and in my teens, I dabbled in paganism and all sorts.

I always believed in something bigger but couldn't pin it down.

Anyway, I am now in my forties, and I really feel drawn back to Jesus. I can't explain it.I don't know why.But for about 2 or 3 years now, I just keep thinking about Jesus and living my life with him and wanting to trust him to help me change my life.

About a year ago I attended a funeral with Mass as at a Catholic church and again felt nothing. No emotion at being in church or being part of that service.

But on my own, at home I feel the urge to pray. I secretly listen to hymns and uplifting songs and cry with emotion.

My sister is a Born again Christian and keeps asking me to attend her church. I don't want to. I don't want to go to mass or meet people or anything like that, I have bad social anxiety and its just not somwthing that interests me.

But she said her friend can baptise me. That this feeling and calling is Jesus asking me to trust him and hand my life over to him and the only way to do that is through baptism.

I told her I wouldn't be attending church or anything but was really considering doing it.

I told my husband who is also baptised Catholic but is agnostic verging on athiest and he got really upset.

I was shocked. He said what am i selling my soul to? Who is this woman, what am I signing up for, what is the churches beliefs.

And then he said - what if you do this and then when we die, we aren't together because Catholicism is the real thing and you invalidated it by getting baptised again.

I cried my eyes out.

I have OCD and extreme anxiety. My whole life is me living in fear of making a decision that will bring harm to my family.

That is why I have been wanting to hand my life over to Jesus. So he can help me with this burden of negativity but my husband saying that just terrified me.

And it makes no sense as we baptised our eldest child purely to get him into a good school and his siblings followed on a sibling connection so didn't get baptised.

So if he was really worried about us not being together in heaven why didn't he baptise our subsequent kids?

I just feel so sick and lost.

I felt so sure that this would be good for me. Washing away all my guilt and lonliness but now i just feel confused and scared.

I told my sister what happened and shenis saying i have to get baptised that its jesus thats calling me to do it.

But again I feel like she is talking from the influence of her church. Another man made religion that had beliefs I don't adhere to.

This is why I felt such a disconnect from Catholicism, the fear and guilt of doing the wrong thing and there being punishment in the afterlife for it. I just want to live Jesus without all the red tape.

And now I don't know if getting baptised will save me or condemn me.

Has anyone been through similar?

Human Professor vs AI — The Questions

• How much does a professor who has studied 100 books actually remember?
• How accurately do they remember those books?
• How much of what they remember is factual detail, and how much is the underlying argument?
• How good is their analysis of the texts?
• How well can they identify the author's assumptions?
• How well can they identify contradictions within a text?
• How well can they distinguish evidence from interpretation?
• How good are their processing abilities when dealing with large amounts of information?
• How many different arguments can they hold in their mind simultaneously?
• How well do they understand the texts?
• Do they understand what the author said, or do they understand why the author said it?
• How well do they understand the historical, political, economic and intellectual context surrounding each text?
• How well can they compare one text with another?
• How good are they at connecting the dots between different texts?
• How good are they at connecting the dots between different events?
• Can they identify patterns that individual authors did not recognise?
• Can they identify relationships between events separated by decades or centuries?
• Can they connect information from completely different academic disciplines?
• Can they recognise when two apparently unrelated events are actually connected?
• Can they determine whether an apparent connection is genuinely causal or merely coincidental?
• How good are they at identifying gaps in the existing literature?
• How good are they at identifying contradictions between different authors?
• How good are they at deciding which interpretation is most convincing?
• How good are they at challenging their own conclusions?
• How much does personal experience improve their analysis?
• How much does expertise improve their ability to recognise important information?
• Can expertise also create intellectual blind spots?
• How much information can a human realistically process simultaneously?

Now ask the same questions about AI

• How much information can AI remember?
• How accurately can AI retrieve information from 100 books?
• Can AI remember the books better than the professor?
• Can AI analyse 100 books simultaneously?
• Can AI compare arguments across hundreds of books?
• Can AI identify contradictions between different texts?
• Can AI identify assumptions that the authors themselves did not recognise?
• Can AI understand the arguments rather than merely reproduce them?
• Can AI understand the context in which the texts were written?
• Can AI connect information across completely different subjects?
• Can AI connect the arguments of different authors?
• Can AI connect different historical events?
• Can AI identify patterns that humans have overlooked?
• Can AI discover connections between events that no individual author has connected?
• Can AI distinguish a genuine causal relationship from a statistical or superficial correlation?
• Can AI determine which source is more reliable?
• Can AI determine when an entire academic field has accepted the same mistaken assumption?
• Can AI synthesise 100 different books into one coherent explanation?
• Can AI produce an interpretation that is better than any individual source?
• Can AI generate a genuinely new hypothesis from existing information?
• Can AI recognise that its own conclusion is wrong?
• Can AI change its interpretation when new evidence appears?
• Can AI understand something that its training data never explicitly stated?
• Can AI make connections that no human researcher has previously made?
• Can AI explain why something happened rather than simply describe what happened?
• Can AI build a causal model from hundreds of separate pieces of evidence?
• Can AI distinguish knowledge from understanding?
• Can AI distinguish understanding from intelligence?
• Can AI distinguish information processing from actual reasoning?

@Uricon2

The ultimate comparison

• Who understands 100 books better: the professor who spent 20 years studying them or an AI that can analyse all 100 simultaneously?
• Who is better at remembering the information?
• Who is better at analysing it?
• Who is better at understanding it?
• Who is better at comparing it?
• Who is better at finding contradictions?
• Who is better at identifying patterns?
• Who is better at connecting the dots?
• Who is better at discovering previously unnoticed relationships?
• Who is better at constructing a coherent explanation?
• Who is better at identifying causality?
• Who is better at generating new hypotheses?
• Who is better at recognising when they are wrong?
• And ultimately, does processing more information make AI more intelligent, or does intelligence depend upon what it can actually do with that information?

@ALittleRoundCat my sincere apologies for my part in derailing your thread. I truly hope that you find what you're looking for.

@ALittleRoundCat my apologies too, all the best and may you find your saviour

May I recommend a book by Julian of Norwich? She was a 13 Centry nun. You may find her interesting on the modern age!

There is an important correction before discussing the book: Julian of Norwich was not a 13th-century nun. She belonged to the 14th and early 15th centuries, and the surviving evidence identifies her more precisely as an anchoress (anchorite) and religious writer, rather than as a nun living in a conventional enclosed religious community.

Enfolded in love by Julian Norwich.

historically:
Julian of Norwich → wrote Revelations of Divine Love
Robert Llewelyn / Sheila Upjohn → selected and rendered passages
Enfolded in Love → modern devotional presentation of Julian's writings

Yes, sorry, Julian of Norwich (c. 1343 - after 1416), 14 Century.

And yes she was an anchored, which means she lived in a single room on the side of a church. And spoke with villagers through a window.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_of_Norwich

I was not trying to be mystical, I thought nun was an easier way to express it.

Yes, Enfolded in Love is a modern devotional presentation of Julian's writings.

I have read it and found it useful OP. If you do too, that would be lovely.

Anchoress.

Go to Greenbelt arts festival it's this weekend, full of on all sorts of ofndifferent journeys, it is super friendly, I went by myself 2 years ago

Just a note to say am hiding this thread. Its completely derailed and it's notbreally helping me.

Well, no one's stopping you being re-baptised but not sure you need to, if you won't be attending church services.
There's nothing wrong with talking and praying to your own God, whatever idea of God you have and asking for support and guidance. Hymns and music of faith or gospel music can inspire, without you needing to head out the door.
But whilst God and faith can bring hope and encouragement, they cannot fix your anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts.
With kindness, you need specialised therapy for that. 🍀

how do you want to be helped ?

Op

Just a note to say am hiding this thread. Its completely derailed and it's notbreally helping me.

That is a shame.

I hope you find some things that do help you.

Great job in helping a vulnerable person with your "logic" all you who are more enlightened than we Christians.

Prayers for you, OP. Jesus Christ wins in the end. It is written.

Any church's that may help ? @ALittleRoundCat