Can I date a Christian?

[itscomplicatedagain]

Hello,
I'd really like some advice on whether I could potentially date a Christian?

I think the church he attends is an evangelical Christian church.

I'm not a Christian myself but open to it and I know he is very involved in his church.

Would this be taboo and is divorce acceptable? I am divorced and have 3 children.

Any views would be useful.
Many thanks

Of course you can.

Whether he can, aligned to his beliefs, is up to him.

Yes

I think you need to think about your children and future children. My cousin is married to a Christian and her kids are being raised Christian with Church every Sunday. Some of the teaching is quite extreme and quite frankly not very nice (eg they talk about her, the mother going to hell etc). I think it depends on the person and what their beliefs are and the church, extended family etc. At face value there's no issue, but there could be

There are so many different evangelical churches that it is hard to say. I think you need to know more about the ins and outs of his beliefs. Some churches believe some frankly appalling things, while others are so decent, that if I could accept their most basic tenets, I would happily join them myself.

Hard to say. You would struggle as a couple of his friendships are tied in with the church and you don't attend at all. You would struggle with family decisions if he bases them on fundamental Christian beliefs (quite different to general Christian beliefs).

Eg, you got pregnant and wanted an abortion, lots of "evangelical churches" would be totally against it. Also men as the head of the household, still prevalent in a lot do these churches. Also their views on homosexuality, "love the people but what they do is wrong".

And yes, some of them could have a massive issue with your divorce. Not all though.

My advice? NO!

Not all religions, and not all religious people, of course... but just watch out for that pomposity and subsequent belittling attitude.

Religion can be a great thing. It gives people a moral code to live by and an ambition... but if you're not religious too, some use it as a weapon against you because of their belief of superiority over you.

In my experience it never works , too many fundamental points for conflict. Unless of course you are open to becoming a Christian !

I'm sure evangelical Christians are quite extreme. I certainly wouldn't want to be associated with someone who believed in what they do or bring up my children in that church.

There is a huge range in what ‘evangelical’ means in the U.K. it’s too hard to generalise about what it does mean!

If you want to date him I think you should go along to the church and see what it’s like, see what the people are like and see what they preach and see how you feel about it.

He will probably also be quite open to having a fairly blunt conversation about his faith if there are questions you want to ask.

I’d also bear in mind that not everyone who goes to a church agrees fully with all of the things the church teaches or all of the ways a preacher specifically chooses to interpret the bible.

For context my DH was raised Christian in an evangelical church and clearly I think he’s the best man ever because I married him 😂 Getting married and having a family was important to him but it was to me too. We did live together before we were married, we parent very 50/50, we both work full time. I earn slightly more. He’s very supportive of me and my career. He definitely doesn’t think of himself in an old fashioned head of the household kind of way. He’s very kind, caring and loving. He’s pro choice as am I.

I really don’t think you can generalise based on the word ‘evangelical’. It basically means independent church so not Church of England or catholic.

I think it also depends on your own stance: are you actively non-religious, as in a firm atheist or have you just no interest in religion as a thing?

Faith, to those invested in it, is usually the most important thing in their life, it's what defines them and that to which they align their beliefs, so it could be tricky if you have come to a conclusion that the thing he centres his life around doesn't even exist.

My parents go to a church that's fairly evangelical (and I went too until I decided it wasn't for me).

It really wouldn't phase me. Divorce is accepted, as is abortion. Plenty of Christians marry non-Christians and I doubt many people still keep to the no sex before marriage.

Most of the Christians I've known have been pretty low key about it (I have friends who I've known for years and only just found out they go to church). So I'd say go for it and don't worry.

Evangelical is more about sharing the gospel ( you can be evangelical within the church of England). I wouldn't advise my children to date a non- Christian and most of the people I know where one spouse is not a Christian struggle as their partner pulls them away from their faith or their partner resents them going to church or giving money etc. Someone being divorced is not looked in badly. Our church would definitely advocate no sex before marriage and no living together. If you are able to genuinely support them in their faith, that would be easier.

I really don’t think you can generalise based on the word ‘evangelical’. It basically means independent church so not Church of England or catholic.

Not really - a huge number of church of England churches consider themselves evangelical, I go to one of them. The word evangelical is often used to describe churches with very strict, extreme beliefs and teaching, however it just means (very simply) a church that prioritises the Bible and the sharing of the good news of the gospel.

Happy to be corrected! Neither me nor DH have come across evangelical CofE churches. Though I guess soul survivor was technically run by the Church of England and that seems quite evangelical.

I think the point still stands that the approach and how different evangelical churches interpret the bible varies.

Depends on the church! I'm a Christian but c of e, quite different (many vicars are divorced and remarried!)

Evangelical has come to be used as a dirty word by some but really it means that you believe the core principles of the Gospel, for example that Jesus died, was buried, resurrected and when we accept that, he is the atonement for our sins/brokenness.

So yes you can date a Christian but it may be that he'd be cautious about dating you. Relationships were there's a mismatch of belief can be very complicated. I'm a Christian (definitely evangelical) and I wouldn't date someone who was a non-believer. It's nothing personal (divorce and children isn't a barrier!) but my faith is such a huge part of who I am that I would struggle to be with someone who didn't share that.

I would definitely go along to his church and listen as you'll find out what makes him tick. And chat frankly about what is important to you both in a relationship and whether you are both open to some compromise. I think too many people don't really think before getting further into relationships about how these things might affect the future. Eg are you wanting children, would you be happy for them to go to church. Would he be happy for them not to. If more people chatted frankly, there would be better understanding. It sounds like you recognise this is a big part of his life, I'm sure you have values you follow too which he needs to understand. Hope you come to a good decision based on a bit of head as well as heart!

I'm an atheist, married to a Christian for a decade. We attend church as a family most weeks.
My concern would not be his religion, as much as his involvement in the church. But it's all going to depend on what his particular beliefs are and what he expects of you.

My DP is a Christian and before we got together he used to go to a fairly evangelical church. he left when he got divorced, not because he was shunned but because he felt that it was too small a place for him and his ex and felt that she would gain more support from the church.

Having stepped back he does feel that some of their beliefs were fairly draconian but says he was never a complete conformist to a lot of them, but now doesn’t feel that he could ever go back to that kind of church.

His friends on the other hand were a different matter. Telling him that he would have to choose between me and the ever lasting life, that if he stayed with me he would go to hell, many said that they would happily stay friends with him but would never want to meet me. he has happily cut contact with all of them, but it can be a difficult one.

I think that if the evangelical Christian insists on living out their beliefs which you absolutely don’t share and in some instances could be opposed to then no, it can’t work. But assuming he’s not one of those kinds of Christians then yes it can.

I’m an atheist and we can joke about wanting to convert the other to our own particular beliefs… Because we’re both happy with the way we personally believe, and accepting that the other doesn’t think the same

Many thanks to all the posters.

His church has the aim of "continually reproducing the life of Jesus." as I've just looked at their website. I'm not sure how that differs from other churches as my understanding of religion is rather limited. Saying that I was christened and confirmed as a child.

Our situation is that we are both in our 40's and he has told me he doesn't want children. He has said that that makes it difficult to meet women as they are all keen to have children.

My children are 18,16 and 12 and haven't been brought up in church.

I know some evangelical Christians who are married to divorcees or who have divorced and remarried themselves. They can get flexible when it suits them.

My concern would be that he might expect you to convert. Evangelical churches can be quite overwhelming if you are used to Sunday service with tea and biscuits afterwards!

I absolutely wouldn't - the evangelical church that a couple of acquaintances attend has beliefs that are completely contradictory to mine (on abortion, homosexuality etc) and I couldn't date someone who held those beliefs.

I will massively depend on whether you agree on fundamental issues

I am a Christian married to an atheist

We agreed dc would be baptised and attend church with me when small, up to them to them to make and informed decision when older

I was previously divorced and the vicar who married us was divorced too

I believe in the right to abortion and same sex marriage, my church is in the process of registering to be allowed to perform same sex marriages

We have congregation members with transgender (adult) children and a there is a gay married minister in our circuit

Evangelical churches can be accommodating or hard line

You need to see if his views are aligned with yours on issues that are important to you. If he is supportive, fine. If he is dead against, probably not a good idea!

I like the sound of your church @jackstini . Where is it?

I think it is okay to disagree on issues like whether homosexual acts are wrong, so long as you are both open to respectful discussion and understanding. I doubt you find many couples who agree on every single moral issue.

There would be a lot of things to navigate, but many would be surmountable. The main issue from his point of view is likely to be that if you are not a Christian, you have not chosen God and therefore have not chosen to go to him after you die (heaven). You have by default chosen the place without God. As he believes this, it might be very hard for him to live a life loving someone who wasn't going to be with God after death, and worrying about exactly what might happen to you.

You say you are interested in church/God? I think just how interested you are might be the key as to whether this could be a really long happy relationship.