Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Therapy works for the hour they attend, they feel positive but don’t put any of it to use during the week. So yes it should work. No they aren’t seizing the opportunity.

I mean this kindly but you might be enabling some of the behaviour. If there is no tango left because he’s consumed it all, then tough. He can go to the shop and buy more. If he has used all the hand soap, ditto. Small steps needed or you’re all stuck in stalemate for ever. It doesn’t need to be everything all at once, pick one thing and stick to your guns.

singtothecat my son went to prison for a few months a few years ago. I used the time to escape and move across the country.

Afterwards I had 18 blissful months when I only visited him in his flat. Then I relented and he moved in with me because he was sober. The sobriety ended pretty much as soon as he moved in.

Don't be me, use his prison sentence to get free and stay free. I'm trapped again now and it's because I relented.

I've just sent an email to adult social services to see if they can help with housing, or at least point me in the right direction. I'm not putting up with this just waiting for death to be free.

I wish you all the best with this and hope they take you seriously. Mine is in the self pity stage, trapped here and refusing to consider alternatives yet. I think it’s too soon and we have some other things to resolve first (identifiable) but I am resigning myself to a year before I can make that kind of choice. They don’t see the difference between a sweaty, stressed, miserable person living here imposing ocd and cheery helpful people paying contributions and looking to leave.

I am so sorry.

We have a 30 y/o still at home & at our wits end. Depression, drug use, threats
of suicide, can’t hold down a job etc etc-also adhd.

We have tried to help/get help but we’re stuck in this endless rut where it works for a while and then he gives up. Don’t know where to go from here.

I am torn between kicking him out (are we enabling this somehow?) or finding other avenues. It is seriously affecting my mental health now. Dh is better able to compartmentalise.

This thread has made me feel less alone somehow. I am sorry for all everyone is going through.

Welcome @thelastcakeisminesorry you are struggling and in the same boat. I’m going to keep the threads going so maybe we can get a bit of solidarity from each other.

In a way it helps to understand when they can't do something. In another way, being given a psychological explanation that defends why they can't do anything useful but can do things they really enjoy can feel infuriating, and ignores the fact that people can be both mentally ill and selfish and inconsiderate and would still be selfish and inconsiderate if they recovered. Accommodating symptoms is also hard - i also got into the apple tango as mine would not drink without it, and I imagined the a&e call and having to explain i didn't spend two minutes buying the thing they wanted because its important to give them autonomy and independence, and realised what that would sound like

Shewalksinbeautylikethenight I agree. The thing I find exhausting about mental illness is the illogicality, I suppose that's the whole crux of it though.

My son is obsessed with the next door neighbours and loathes them. He's enraged that I don't really notice them either way. Unless I go down his rabbit hole with him ranting about them then I'm whatever, new fault of the day.

These obsessions of victimhood have been going on since he was a small child. He would rant that x teacher favoured y boy. It took him 10 years to stop ranting about a comment made to him in 6th form.

Explanations were seen as betrayal. I'm sorry for him, he hasn't a friend in the world. He's happiest when he's drunk and roaming around the town centre talking to other drunks.

His current obsession is the joists in the floor of my house, the floors are a little creaky. He's convinced that, due to my lack of panic, we will all fall through the floor.

I think he thinks he's correct and that I'm gaslighting him. And therefore what can an mh team do?

If I said, 'listen the floors issue and the ndn issue aren't real. These things are evidence of probable PDs and you need assessments and supported living and an mh team of professionals' he would dismiss that as some odd plot of my own.

Currently he stays under the radar of statutory bodies so he's just a nuisance and exhaustion rather than sectionable.

I think I’m exhausted by the distress in this house. Just the levels of sadness, paranoia, anger, regret like a cloud. My house feels like somewhere to escape from not escape to.
they have made the steps to remove the financial burden so may be able to contribute now but it’s at a huge emotional cost to them. Again.
im just always expected to be super strong and resilient and to complete paperwork, know what the system is, make calls, pay for things.

Had a short break last weekend and been back a week. So depressing, I just have this panicky sick feeling that this is my life now. I will never live alone with dh, I will never see ds move out and just be a visit or phone call. I will always have someone else in the house reminding me of my utter failing as a parent to get help soon enough, to instil resilience , to earn enough to house them somewhere else, to build any kind of extension where I wouldn’t have to share all my space. It’s like the rest of my life is diminished and no longer full of any kind of freedom.

I keep thinking about what I hoped for as a teenager, how excited I was about the future, I’m so sorry for that person I was that I fucked it all up for her/me.

You are exhausted and broken. From what you've said, you've done your absolute best. We all have the shoulda woulda coulda thoughts sometimes, but you are not to blame for your son's current situation. You could have parented him completely differently and he could have turned out the same. You have other children you have parented the same who have turned out differently. This is not all on you.
Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling?

If it gives you any hope, I was in your position with an adult son. By some miracle he found a flat and moved out. He found a full time job and is living independently now. I honestly would never in a million years have thought this would have ever been possible. The downside is he is completely estranged from the whole family now which breaks my heart.

Now is now and you don’t know what the future holds. I saw the biggest change around 24/25 - but I made sure he moved out sooner than that. You have to start to enforce boundaries so they have to make their own decisions. The manipulation is keeping you in your place - they do not hold all the cards. You need to start with small boundaries and expectations and keep to them. Whatever the natural consequences are then so be it, go to the shop and buy x, if you don’t, we have none of it until I next go shopping in a week’s time.

Thanks @Easilyforgotteni tried the GP who just suggested a mental health assessment and I don’t want pills. The local carers association meets during the day, and seems to be spouses and elderly parents. I can’t attend in any case as I have to work.
I am so sorry about the way it’s ended up @Incrediblysadi kind of see any forceful move to get them out will result in estrangement too.
@PoppySaidYesIKnow the manipulation is just becoming clearer, planning suicide in the next few years, they will never get better, I should stop feeling sorry for myself as he is so ill, what about him? Etc.

I can see you have tried, and there doesn't seem to be any accessible support available to you currently.
I really think you have to prioritise yourself and your own wellbeing now. Would you consider stopping your sons therapy for a while and using the money you save for therapy for yourself? You have said the therapy is not making any meaningful difference for him, but it could make a massive difference to you. At least consider it.

Therapy is going to have to end there’s a couple more sessions, it’s depressing because I thought that would be the way out. Unemployed now for months, no me here to live, bitter about perceived preference for siblings, literally counting the months the others have lived here and claiming they are owed more because of going to uni and travelling, as if age isn’t a factor.

I know exactly what you mean about the panicky sick feeling and wondering what you could do differently. I actually have a week booked off work next week and I don’t want to take it as I don’t like being at home at the moment. My home was my sanctuary but not now.
I do wonder what I’ve done wrong but then my other child is the complete opposite.
Its blooming tough.

@Hadenough2022im so sorry I hope you can find something nice to do in your week.
ive been thinking that the mental illness makes it so much harder than a physical illness to plan for. Because they have capacity they can say no to things and I just have to suck it up or literally throw them in the street.
I can’t work towards a housing solution without involving them but they can say no and I just have to keep them living here. Without capacity I could just organise things. I’m so done with it all. They feel their life is over because they’ve lost all this time so there’s no point. I feel like ffs get out there and do something different.

But honestly you don’t have to let them live with you forever. My son crossed a line and he had been told that if he crossed it again he could no longer live with us. And I meant it, he crossed that line again (and many others) and I stuck to my word. Unless there are consequences nothing will ever change. We didn’t abandon him, we found a house share very close by and bought everything he needed, provided some financial support and everyone was a lot happier including him, and he HAD to stand on his own two feet. It’s not been without drama and heartache but all things considered it was absolutely the right thing. We’ve kept communicating as best we all can and muddled through.

Why refuse medication if it can help?

@Bababear987i don’t think antidepressants will help me, I’m stressed about a real life thing. I don’t want to take pills without good reason.

If any of you have other children under 18 you can use them to housing as a safeguarding issue and make the needy one 'homeless at home'. And get them a social housing place, possibly supported accommodation.