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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Son and pregnant girlfriend.

81 replies

Thedogscollar · 23/12/2020 23:31

Looking for advice please. My 20 yr old son has just told me his gf that he moved in with in Sept is pregnant.
He has just started a course at college this Sept she finishes uni next June.
They live in a flat share atm. They are coming for Xmas and tbh I'm not happy at their news. I am worried about the pressure they are putting on themselves at such a young age. Neither of them work as in full time education and when her studies have finished her student finance will too.
They want to keep the baby and that is totally their decision to make. I just feel they don't really know what they are letting themselves in for.
I want to let them know how I feel without sounding like a horrible person. I obviously will support them as much as I can but at this point in their lives I can't see this pregnancy as something to be pleased about.
Just a bit of background. We have had quite a few years from 15 to 19 where son really went off the rails drugs etc. He has improved a lot in the last year but I think still has a lot of maturing to do. His gf is 22 we have only met her 3 times when she has been over for dinner she seems a nice girl but I'm just so concerned for them both and want them to realise my feelings are coming from love and concern.
Any advice on breaching the subject in a non confrontational way, I would be so grateful.
Thank you for reading this.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/12/2020 23:33

Say nothing.
They adults.
They mske their decisions.
But you can decide how much babysitting you want to do

But this is your grandchild
Do you wsnt to alienate them and see grandchild very little ?

Embracelife · 23/12/2020 23:34

Or do you want her to abort becsuse of your feelings?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 23/12/2020 23:38

I totally understand you not being happy. The circumstances are less than ideal. But honestly, there's nothing to be gained by showing disapproval or pointing out how hard life will be. The decision to go ahead has been made. What you can do is talk to your son about his plans in a general, non committal way. Try to get him to work through logically what he thinks will happen and then you will have the opportunity to advise. He won't talk to you or ask for help if he feels judged and you need for him to be comfortable enough to confide in you.
Personally I'd start quietly saving some money for when their education ends and they need bond or rent money.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 23:39

I want to let them know how I feel without sounding like a horrible person.

Don't do this. How you feel about their pregnancy is irrelevant. This is their problem to manage, not yours.

Any advice on breaching the subject in a non confrontational way, I would be so grateful.

If you breach the subject given your displeasure, it will only become confrontational. Your son and his partner are adults, they will figure it out. The only thing you should do is set clear boundaries of they expect you to provide childcare, which I personally would not recommend. It's sink or swim time for your son, and he has to step up now. Leave him to it and don't coddle him. He's the one who has put himself in this position, so he has to grow up fast.

Original poster
Thedogscollar · 23/12/2020 23:41

@Embracelife You obviously have not read my post fully. I said they want to keep the baby and that is totally their decision to make.
I was asking advice on how to let them know that as much as I will support them I am not overly happy about the pregnancy as they have known each other such a short time both students with no jobs.
I just want them to appreciate how hard parenting can be at such a young age without the safety net of a job, money and a house.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 23/12/2020 23:43

Pointless op

Stay out of it even though I think you are right

Embracelife · 23/12/2020 23:43

And how will that help them ?
How will knowing how you feel help them?

Cantreasonwithunreasonable · 23/12/2020 23:45

Without sounding harsh,
so what that you are not overly happy about the pregnancy ?

They're 20 & 22, and it's not your baby or relationship.
Leave them be.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 23:45

I was asking advice on how to let them know that as much as I will support them I am not overly happy about the pregnancy as they have known each other such a short time both students with no jobs.

But what's the point of this, op? To make them feel like shit knowing you aren't happy about having a grandchild? What will this revelation change? Telling them how daft they are will really make you feel better? Go ahead if you're so inclined, but it will permanently damage your relationship with your son, I can assure you of that.

As for them learning how hard parenting is, they will be discovering this in short order, as all of us who have had children did.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 23/12/2020 23:45

They won't know until they do it. Honestly, no amount of you telling them is going to make a difference. There are some experiences that you have to live to understand and parenting is one of them. They will know already that you aren't thrilled but try to find some joy in the fact that a new baby, wanted by it's parents is on the way. It's important that you share their happiness a little.

Milkshake7489 · 23/12/2020 23:48

I understand your feelings but no good will come out of lecturing them.

They are adults who are having a baby. Sorry to be blunt but your opinion on whether this is a good idea or not is irrelevant.

If you tell them you risk alienating them completely. Concentrate on what you do have control over, like how much help you are willing to give.

CherryRoulade · 23/12/2020 23:49

I would feel like you, but what is done is done. A real pity children can be conceived so recklessly but saying that will risk your relationship with them completely.

Kind, loving support is the only way. It is your grandchild. It will need it’s grandma. Things might turn out better than you imagine, although I wouldn’t hold my breath either.

SquirtleSquad · 23/12/2020 23:50

You don't have to be pleased but you are still a parent. Be a good one, be a kind one and remember they are probably a bit scared (whether they admit it or not). Keep your opinion to yourself and support them.

I had twins in my final year at uni and we are now married with 3 amazing kids and if anything it gave us the push we needed to get our shit together and be the best parents we could be.

Nettleskeins · 23/12/2020 23:51

Just support them and be happy for them.
It works wonders where disapproval and pursed lips adds to their (inevitable) burden.

I know of so many people who had children young by accident, some single some in partnership. Tbh their children have turned out no better no worse than those who planned everything carefully.
Yes it will be hard, you don't need to make it worse and say I told you so.

AKissAndASmile · 23/12/2020 23:51

I agree with PP. The baby is going to be born so there is no point in saying you disapprove. Once s/he is here you will love it and you'll never be able to un-say that you thought s/he shouldn't be born.

scotsllb · 23/12/2020 23:52

No point in voicing your displeasure though as it won't change the outcome.
I had my DD at 19 over 20 years ago now and my parents let their displeasure be known.
It was not helpful and made me pull away from them and feel like I was never a good enough parent and had done something wrong.
Your son is an adult and makes his own choices and they really are nothing to do with you anymore.
Don't assume that it's all doom and gloom.
My DD made me grow up fast in a good way and taught me responsibility and independence and I feel I have been a good mum to her and the 2 other children I went on to have.
I have enjoyed bringing them up and worked my life around them.
My DD is now a well adjusted 20 year who is training to be an accountant and I couldn't be prouder of her.

SquirtleSquad · 23/12/2020 23:52

Oh and there is absolutely no nice way to say what you are thinking and they will never forget. Even if things seem ok they will always remember the smallest negative inclination from you or anyone else.

Original poster
Thedogscollar · 23/12/2020 23:52

Wow that's me told then. Just a concerned Mum. Just thought someone might see where I'm coming from given the short time they have known each other.
Can't exactly say nothing on the subject as won't that seem very strange.

OP posts:
SquirtleSquad · 23/12/2020 23:53

You don't say nothing, you say nice things. Not "we'll have to make the best of it" or anything else even remotely negative.

Carouselfish · 23/12/2020 23:54

They know themselves it's not ideal, you don't need to point it out. They also know you know it's not. Imagine how much more wonderful and surprising it would be if you only voiced your positive and supportive feelings. Their problems are not insurmountable, you're getting a grandchild which is an amazing gift and in this uncertain time, even the most stable of people are being made unstable. You never know which way life will go, the most perfect job or marriage can change in a second, but you do know, all being well, there will be a new person in your family. Celebrate.

PurpleMustang · 23/12/2020 23:54

I really wouldn't. If they are set on the pregnancy then you have to assume that as adults they have thought this through. And any way of you saying you don't approve means you don't respect their decision and puts you on the back foot immediately. And be careful about interrogating them about their plans for jobs/money. Just let them enjoy their news for a bit especially over Christmas

Chanandlerbong01 · 23/12/2020 23:55

If they are keeping the baby why do they need to know you disapprove?

Nettleskeins · 23/12/2020 23:55

When I was pregnant a second time and it turned out to be twins, I can remember my mother saying oh dear what a pity, twins will be so difficult. Not what I wanted to hear, what would have helped was practical HELP and encouragement, rather than sad sighs and it is so hard for you etc etc.
It is actually incredibly exciting for all of you, though scarey.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 23:57

Just thought someone might see where I'm coming from given the short time they have known each other.

None of us have said we don't understand that you have concerns, of course you do and we understand that. What you want to do is express your displeasure and judgement to them, and we are all telling you this is a huge mistake, because it is. You don't have to be jumping up and down with glee, but you can keep all your negativity to yourself because expressing it will achieve absolutely nothing aside from damaged relationships.

partyatthepalace · 23/12/2020 23:58

It’s not ideal and I would feel the same as you. But the fact that you aren’t happy about it is irrelevant.

They are adults and they’ve made their decision. They’ll find out soon enough that it’s hard.

If you make it clear you are unhappy you will just alienate them. I am sure they won’t expect you to be jumping for joy.