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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Son and pregnant girlfriend.

81 replies

Thedogscollar · 23/12/2020 23:31

Looking for advice please. My 20 yr old son has just told me his gf that he moved in with in Sept is pregnant.
He has just started a course at college this Sept she finishes uni next June.
They live in a flat share atm. They are coming for Xmas and tbh I'm not happy at their news. I am worried about the pressure they are putting on themselves at such a young age. Neither of them work as in full time education and when her studies have finished her student finance will too.
They want to keep the baby and that is totally their decision to make. I just feel they don't really know what they are letting themselves in for.
I want to let them know how I feel without sounding like a horrible person. I obviously will support them as much as I can but at this point in their lives I can't see this pregnancy as something to be pleased about.
Just a bit of background. We have had quite a few years from 15 to 19 where son really went off the rails drugs etc. He has improved a lot in the last year but I think still has a lot of maturing to do. His gf is 22 we have only met her 3 times when she has been over for dinner she seems a nice girl but I'm just so concerned for them both and want them to realise my feelings are coming from love and concern.
Any advice on breaching the subject in a non confrontational way, I would be so grateful.
Thank you for reading this.

OP posts:

scotsllb · 23/12/2020 23:58

@Thedogscollar

Wow that's me told then. Just a concerned Mum. Just thought someone might see where I'm coming from given the short time they have known each other. Can't exactly say nothing on the subject as won't that seem very strange.

Is your son happy? Go on what your son wants. You don't have to say anything as it's not up to you. He's moved out with his own life and you don't get to lecture him on his choices good or bad unless they are risking his life or health etc. It's not being horrible and I understand you must feel worried and disappointed but life throws curveballs all the time. You said he was messed up on drugs for a while and sorted himself out so he has obviously grown up enough to see that path leads nowhere so trust he can sort his affairs out himself

AKissAndASmile · 24/12/2020 00:00

Meant to say I understand your concerns, but it just won't do any good, you voicing your disapproval.

jessstan1 · 24/12/2020 00:03

@Onceuponatimethen

Pointless op

Stay out of it even though I think you are right

That.

scottish83 · 24/12/2020 00:05

What about approaching it from the point of view that a baby will be a big change to their lives and that now is the time to start planning and budgeting.

You mentioned a flat share. That's not an ideal situation for a baby or the other people sharing, so where will they live and how will they pay for it?

It sounds like they live away from you. So who will look after the baby when they are working and/or studying? How will they nurture their relationship by going on dates etc?

I'm not suggesting portraying the baby as a bad idea by pointing out all the negatives. Rather, try to see it as coaching them through this situation by providing practical guidance.

The end result might still be a baby, but if they know what to expect - costs, time, effort etc - then it can only be advantageous for them to start planning now and not in 9 months (?) time.

PurpleMustang · 24/12/2020 00:05

I don't understand with all of these comments that you still assume you have to say something. Can you not put yourself in their situation and realise how they will be feeling about people's comments. I am sure there are going to be enough insensitive comments said by others that those closest don't need to say.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 24/12/2020 00:06

Well yes, you are probably right but they aren't going to say thank you if you say it. They'll retreat into a bubble of hormones and see you as the enemy.
All you can do is make supportive noises and offer help and shoulders to cry on when it gets hard.

caringcarer · 24/12/2020 00:07

If your son took drugs prior to meeting gf and she is a bit older and more mature than him then she sounds like a good influence. Just say you will try to support their choice if you can. Don't promise to babysit while she works but when baby arrives you might find you can't resist and want to help out with a bit of baby sitting. Having a dgc is wonder you can coo over them in the daytime but hand back to parents for the sleepless nights. This might be the making of your son as he will no longer be able to please himself all of the time.

PurpleMustang · 24/12/2020 00:09

How long have they actually been dating. You only said they started living together in September

WhatKatyDidNxt · 24/12/2020 00:09

It’s their lives and they are both adults. Unless what your saying is kind or helpful (genuinely helpful, not just you ventilating) then l wouldn’t say anything

Onadifferentuniverse · 24/12/2020 00:14

‘ I just feel they don't really know what they are letting themselves in for.’

Surely as an adult op you must understand that everyone has a different perception when it comes to parenting. Some people struggle, some don’t.

They’re both trying to work their way into secure jobs, they don’t have that right now but that’s something that can change.

Nobody knows what they’re getting into before they have a child, loads of people who are older and have secure jobs, houses and money have fell on their arse this year.
Your sons given you a rough time, be proud of him for sticking by his girlfriend and child.

And please! Stop being a know it all.

EmpressSuiko · 24/12/2020 00:16

Myself and my husband fell unexpectedly pregnant within 6 months of being together, I was 20, my parents weren’t exactly overjoyed but they supported us and looked forward to being grandparents, I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage, we decided it wasn’t really the right time but then I fell pregnant and had my first child a year later.
When I look back on it I know it wasn’t the smartest situation to find ourselves in due to our age and still being in uni, we had a lot of ups and downs financially, lots of moving from place to place but 10 years on we are really settled now, we have a lovely little family and I wouldn’t change anything at all.
All you can do is support them OP, you can be concerned but in a kind and considerate way.
Please don’t tell them you aren’t happy or try to make parenting sound all doom and gloom as it will just upset your son during a time he needs you. Offer them practice and usual advice, be there for them when things get tough, it’s al you can do.

ClaryFairchild · 24/12/2020 00:16

If you're going to say anything, ASK (not tell) them what their plans are on work and childcare, if they have looked at childcare options and costs, etc.

Offer to buy them something of their choice for the baby, and reassure them that although it will be hard for them, just as it is hard for ALL new parents, they can always count on you for emotional support. Whether you are are willing or able to offer more than that, is up to you. If you're working its not like you could afford to stop working to help with childcare.

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 24/12/2020 00:18

Hi all. I've read all the replies some very blunt and to the point and some a bit more understanding of where I am coming from as a Mum.
I just want to say thank you and I truly mean that. You have all made me look at this in a completely different way now and yes it is maybe not the best timing (though I promise I won't say this to them) but it isn't the end of the world either.
I think after the extremely hard few years we had with our son I was thinking he won't cope with this. As you say it is their decision to cope with.
I am now just going to go with the flow and try to help them as best I can when I can. I didn't want to come across as a horrible person I think I'm just scared too. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

OP posts:

DamnYouAutocucumber · 24/12/2020 00:21

This isn't ideal, but in your position I'd be trying to befriend the gf. It sounds like your ds has had his moments and might not be the most reliable, which means you're not in the best position as a gp. If she loves and respects you it will make a huge difference to your relationship to the gc.

flowerbombVR · 24/12/2020 00:23

So nice to read your complete turnaround op. Your last post really touched my heart. Congratulations to you all. I hope this baby brings so much joy to all of your lives. Bless you!!

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/12/2020 00:24

[quote Thedogscollar]@Embracelife You obviously have not read my post fully. I said they want to keep the baby and that is totally their decision to make.
I was asking advice on how to let them know that as much as I will support them I am not overly happy about the pregnancy as they have known each other such a short time both students with no jobs.
I just want them to appreciate how hard parenting can be at such a young age without the safety net of a job, money and a house.[/quote]
Frankly your opinion doesn’t matter. If you want to have regular contact with the child be helpful, supportive, make friends with the girlfriend so if your DH messes up she might be more inclined to give you contact.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 24/12/2020 00:29

My ILs family made it known that they didn't approve of our engagement timing and it was awful - really ruined our relationship with them. Been married 7 years now and it still hurts. We get along but we'll never be very close.

AiryFairyMum · 24/12/2020 00:29

Think if voicing your disapproval/disappointment would help them in any way. If not, don't do it. I wish I'd had my kids younger, not spent until my 30s making everything perfect.

PandaBearCub · 24/12/2020 00:30

Could you, in a non-judgemental way, ask your DS practical questions e.g. who will buy things for the baby? Do they know how much things cost? Will they find some work (temporary for the gf) to earn and save money during the pregnancy? Will they be able to cope with looking after the baby whilst studying? Is a flat share an appropriate accommodation for the baby?

Do they just have one room in this flat share?

Happpppppym · 24/12/2020 00:34

I understand where your coming from, my situation would of been seen as less then ideal aswell to alot of mumsnet users , my daughter gave me the kick I needed to sort my life out though. My mum wasn't happy with my pregnancy either I was 22 living with my partners family (partner was 28) we had together for just under 2 years. Life doesn't always start of for everyone in the most ideal situation but that doesn't mean it can't end up that way eventually. The reality will hit him when the baby arrives but till then he's probably in a bit of a daydream. But he will figure it out and if anything is going to make him mature fast it will be his newborn. I don't think disapproval or breaching the subject with the realisation of what is about to come is going to achieve anything, my mum did the same . It clicked when my daughter arrived but she's also my world now. 3 years later I am still with my partner very much so happy , we have just bought a house after saving our arse off and I plan to go back to re study something else once my daughter gets free childcare at 3 or goes to school in a few years . Your son will need you like others have said id just be there for him , he will figure things out the hard way like I did but he will do it have faith in him he sounds like he has overcome alot already with his drug use etc. Take care x

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 24/12/2020 00:41

@FlowerbombVR
Thank you so much for your kind words it really means a lot.
It's been a bit of a year. I work as a midwife so see the other side of how some young adults in their position cope with parenting. I was just scared for them.
Given myself a talking to now and will offer them kind and useful advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 24/12/2020 00:51

@Happpppppym
So good to hear your experience and how well it has turned out for you all.
My son and his gf have only been together as a couple since September however they seem very devoted to each other so I hope they can with a bit of love and help from me and dh get to replicate your experience.
Goodluck with your future studies.

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 24/12/2020 00:58

I understand how you must be feeling, I really do

However, your role in this is to be supportive, in any way you can. Just that. Telling them how you feel isn't going to help the situation. Swallow any negativity and be there for them. They'll be just fine and so will you.

isawthatt · 24/12/2020 01:05

I completely understand how you feel, but saying something would be pointless. I had my DD in my teens, I distanced myself from the family that made their disapproval known, the ones that supported me I’m still close to. If it helps, DH (DD’s dad) and I are still together now, we have 2 more DC and a lovely life.

Original poster

Thedogscollar · 24/12/2020 01:07

Thanks DramaAlpaca.
Going to do my best to be supportive and helpful both before and when baby comes.
Can't quite believe I'm going to be a gran now.

OP posts:

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