Son and pregnant girlfriend.

[Thedogscollar]

Looking for advice please. My 20 yr old son has just told me his gf that he moved in with in Sept is pregnant.
He has just started a course at college this Sept she finishes uni next June.
They live in a flat share atm. They are coming for Xmas and tbh I'm not happy at their news. I am worried about the pressure they are putting on themselves at such a young age. Neither of them work as in full time education and when her studies have finished her student finance will too.
They want to keep the baby and that is totally their decision to make. I just feel they don't really know what they are letting themselves in for.
I want to let them know how I feel without sounding like a horrible person. I obviously will support them as much as I can but at this point in their lives I can't see this pregnancy as something to be pleased about.
Just a bit of background. We have had quite a few years from 15 to 19 where son really went off the rails drugs etc. He has improved a lot in the last year but I think still has a lot of maturing to do. His gf is 22 we have only met her 3 times when she has been over for dinner she seems a nice girl but I'm just so concerned for them both and want them to realise my feelings are coming from love and concern.
Any advice on breaching the subject in a non confrontational way, I would be so grateful.
Thank you for reading this.

It is understandable, he is your child, you are allowed to be worried. You are going to be an amazing grandparent and though it may be hard for them, the good will outweigh the bad. Trust them and guide them. Agree with pp this could be the making of him. Give yourself some grace too,
your reaction comes from a place of love. I'm sure have been a good role model and your son will draw on that moving forward. I'm rooting for all of you.

Say nothing.

I understand how you feel, and I don't really get why some posters are giving you a hard time. I would also be worried about my son in this situation. However, there is nothing you could say that won't potentially cause a huge falling out. Ultimately it is his life and he's not going to change what he does just because you have raised concerns. Whatever you say to them will come across very badly to him and his girlfriend and will probably just be interpreted as you being unsupportive. It may even spur them to say they won't allow you to be a part of the baby's life - it might sound dramatic but they are young. It's entirely possible.

So I would advise you to be positive. When you next see them I would be smiley and congratulate them. You don't need to over egg it and tell them it's the best news in the world, but you do need to be positive. Bite your tongue.

If it all goes tits up at some point, be there for your son as a supportive parent.

He's an adult now. Leave him to it.

@Thedogscollar

Hi all. I've read all the replies some very blunt and to the point and some a bit more understanding of where I am coming from as a Mum. I just want to say thank you and I truly mean that. You have all made me look at this in a completely different way now and yes it is maybe not the best timing (though I promise I won't say this to them) but it isn't the end of the world either. I think after the extremely hard few years we had with our son I was thinking he won't cope with this. As you say it is their decision to cope with. I am now just going to go with the flow and try to help them as best I can when I can. I didn't want to come across as a horrible person I think I'm just scared too. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

You sound a protective and caring mum and the best parents know when it's time to step back. Your son sounds lucky to have you

Oh my goodness such kind words from you all. Thank you so much.
Looking forward to collecting them tomorrow for Xmas.
Happy Xmas to you all. You really have made me see this through fresh eyes

You don't need to tell them you disapprove. It won't change anything, will lead to bad feeling and they're probably already well aware of your feelings anyway. Don't say anything you'll regret later just let it be.

There's no point lecturing on how hard it is. They won't listen and it won't change anything.

In order to prepare them be practical. Make a list with them of all the things they need to work out/do/get before baby arrives. Then help them put a plan together. This may help them realise how hard it'll be. It probably won't change their minds though.

Hi OP, this must be such a worrying time. The posters saying stay out of it clearly don't have young adult children. If they have decided to keep the child, despite how short a time they have known each other, then it is probably best not to tell them how hard it would be, but rather to get them thinking about practical questions. What will they do for money/where will they live/will his 1 income be enough etc. These practicalities can be raised gently and it'll be helpful for them to think about going forward.

Personally, I'd encourage them to get married. Because I know only too well the horrors of a split partnership when it comes to seeing the child. Not being married can be really difficult for him if they break up and she withholds access to the child. Even if he is on the birth certificate. But that's just me, and only because of my previous career.

Besides all that, you will absolutely adore this child. And do remember to be really welcoming to his girlfriend - be supportive and become her friend. She'll appreciate the support and if they do break up it will make things easier .

Good luck OP. Kids eh? X

The problem with your "love and concern" is that by definition you are concerned because you don't think they are up to it - for whatever reason(s). There isn't a kind, supportive way to tell someone that, and it will 100% come across like an act of disapproval rather than love (because it is).

Love and support here is things like

• allowing them space to express both excitement and concerns without invalidating either
• asking them their opinions and ideas on parenting and the practical logistics of baby care etc, but without rubbishing these, telling them that your ideas are superior or making it sound like an interrogation because you think they will fall short.
• offering any practical or financial help/gift that you would find suitable to your circumstances (and not being offended if eg; they'd rather have cash to buy a pram than you choosing one).
• supporting their relationship by facilitating time alone as a couple for them. Still talking to them about their own interests etc as adults and individual people.

I’ve been in your son’s gf’s position and got pregnant after knowing my then boyfriend for 3 months, I’d also only met his family a couple of times. My boyfriend is now my DH and we have 2 beautiful children and couldn’t be happier. My mum at the time was concerned and said something. I really wish she hadn’t as it stuck and I won’t forget it. From my DH’s family came nothing but support and it meant a lot and we now have a fantastic relationship.

Can’t do anything about it now.It’s a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

@ClaireP20
Thank you. You understood and took the time to care.
I am going to give this my all. I just want good things for them both and the baby. I hope their relationship will go all the way and they develop into their own lovely little family.
Yes kids defo test us to the limit sometimes even our young adult ones. It's all because I love him so much.

@BestZebbie
I never once said I don't think that they are up to it. I have no problem with my love or concern.
Thank you for your masterclass in love and support though.

What would be the point of criticising a decision that’s already been made?

Anyone who criticised my decision to continue with a pregnancy wouldn’t hear from me again.

If you know how hard it can be then you know they need your support. Not your criticism.

So basically you want your grandchild that's wanted by both of his/her parents aborted because your not happy?

Give your head a massive wobble because your being a selfish twat

Hi OP just thought I'd say that I'm currently 20 and have just had a baby with my boyfriend. We moved in together last year in a rented 1 bed flat and parents didn't approve of it at all. Found out I was pregnant last November not long after giving my job up to care for my grandad, wasn't an ideal situation at all but we decided we were going to keep the baby. 4 months ago I had my little boy, the day after my 20th birthday! The greatest 20th birthday present I could ever ask for!! My partner was the same as your son, done a lot of drugs etc until I met him, I was also suffering with really bad mental health at the time and since having our little boy our lives have completely changed for the better!! We live our life for him and as much as it's hard we wouldn't have it any other way. Your son and his girlfriend will figure it out, all I can say is from someone who's the same age and has just went through the same thing- don't give them a hard time, support them in any way possible!! I only had my boyfriend to support me and as much as I was so grateful for him it was had not having my mam around :( I had horrific HG and was in& out of hospital, not 1 family member ever asked if I was okay. It's difficult having a baby young, they'll have their down days and probably have days where they think why on Earth did I think I could do this- talk to them about that. Tell them how normal it is to feel that way, and how sleep deprivation is really a thing (I didn't realise HOW bad it was) i would have loved nothing more than my mam to tell me and my boyfriend about how parenthood is the greatest thing in the world but is also a struggle- highlight the positives not just the negatives x

@Popsydoodle4444
Where at any point did I say I wanted my grandchild aborted because I'm not happy????
I'd be inclined to give your head a wobble and while you are there wind your neck in.

Read my updates it's not difficult. It's people like you that make Mumsnet a very unfriendly place sometimes.

If it were your daughter, I would say be honest with her that this is a monumentally bad idea. With your son, there is no point. It’s not his choice. All you can do is make him feel even worse about a bad situation.

@watermelonsugar99

Thankyou for your post. It has made me all the more determined to do as much as I can for them.

Congratulations on your baby.

I fell pregnant at just turned 24 with my partner who I had been officially with for 4 months. We kept the baby. She's amazing and in the time we found out I was pregnant, we've bought a house and had another little one. We are still together and happy.

I know this isn't the story for everyone, but I just wanted to share that sometimes it can work out. It is tough but it's tough for everyone.

I'd be supportive and congratulate them. If you're kind to her, if the worst does happen, you'll be much more involved in your grand child's life. This also may be the kick up the arse your son needs to stay on the straight and narrow. Nothing drives you more than a child, imo. It can work out

Honestly it is best not to say anything.

My friend and I were both pregnant at 20. Her boyfriend’s mum tried to express her concerns in a gentle way, but the way it sounded was that she wanted them to reconsider having the baby, i.e. have an abortion. My friend went on to have the baby (and 2 others) with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. She has never forgotten what her MIL said and it has damaged their relationship irreparably.

I on the other hand didn’t continue with my pregnancy but I did marry my boyfriend later that year. We’re still together 15 years later! The point being, they’re not necessarily too young to make these decisions. It could all work out really well!

If they were asking your opinion on whether they should try for a baby, that would be the time to express your concerns.

As it is, the baby is coming whatever you say and you need to act thrilled and be as supportive as possible.

Congratulations on becoming a grandma!

Just to add that I would be as worried as you are. I’d also be worried for myself - that I would end up having to pick up the pieces if/when everything went wrong - and I would want to say something because it probably would end up affecting me too. But still I think it’s best to keep your concerns to yourself.

The GF might be worried about your response. If you get the chance to talk to her on her own, I’d repeat the things you have said here about how devoted they appear to be to each other and how happy that makes you to see your son in a loving relationship with a lovely woman.

I’d also show interest in how they feel rather than just the practical things like where they will live, finances etc.

congrats to you too.

I know where you are coming from.
My daughter was 19 and just starting college when she got pregnant. Her bf was 20 and a sporadically employed druggie. They wanted to keep the baby too. When he was born, his dad was in jail. Fast forward 18 months both in jail and I have custody of my grandson. Fast forward 17 years and birth father is out of the picture for years. I have legally adopted and raised my grandson he is graduating next May. He is a joy and I love him, but I had to take early retirement to give final care to my mother and then my aunt while raising him. Less money to live on (retired teacher) and now that I will have some free time I have health issues so my retirement plans -- moving, travel etc. are totally out.
Start saving now.

I'm slightly surprised at these responses. Given the pressures they are going to be facing and their relative immaturity, there's a good chance that they will have difficulty coping financially and practically. Older parents in much more settled circumstances split up over the pressures of parenting. Having said that, ime it's usually the girl and her parents who are left carrying the can (or in this case, the baby) when things break down so the fallout for you personally is likely to be less.

I would say congratulations and then gently ask your son about the practicalities - money, childcare and where they are going to live. Maybe get him to start looking into the financial support available and working out a budget. In your shoes, I'd also make the extent of my planned involvement clear... For example, I'd love to buy presents for baby and babysit occasionally, but I'd have no intention of funding them financially, providing regular unpaid childcare or having them living in my house.

You are entitled to be concerned. This couple are still in education, and ideally you would like them to have had the stability of steady jobs for a couple of years. By today's standards he is young but being a mum at 22 isn't at all unusual. My own mother was younger than your DS's partner when I was born and so many of my own friends had their first babies in early 20's. Fortunately, with support from their families they could continue with their education.
Your role now is to provide emotional support and guidance. Make sure they talk to tutors about continuing their education, which is so important for their future. There should hopefully be child care provision at the college.
Make sure they know you will support whatever decision they make, but be careful as once you broach the subject of not going ahead with the pregnancy, you risk always be the MIL who wanted her to have an abortion.
Enjoy the baby.