At what age did your son start using the men's toilets alone?

[PurpleRain2486]

My son is now 12 and still comes into the women's toilets with me when we're out, not something I've really thought about as it became our usual routine when out. but as he's getting older I'm just wondering if it's still practical. He's autistic (high functioning) and independent with toileting, but can be a little vulnerable and less aware in certain situations.
I'm wondering if at 12 he's now too old to be coming into the women's and should be using the men's while I wait outside.
Interested to hear from mums of boys in general, as well as those with autistic/SEND children — what age did you make the switch, and how did you manage it?

About 8, but my Son was tall and always looked older

My son was about 8 or 9 and that’s when he started asking himself to go into the men’s. He was ready, I wasn’t and was always anxious at first, then I got used to it.

re your last breathtakingly arrogant sentence - it most certainly does matter
what I, my daughter grandaughter, friends, anyone else does!

12 years old in the Ladies toilets ?!

Over the summer holidays I encountered too many 11/12 year olds in ladies
toilets and mothers holding the gents door open still shouting instructions to
11/12 year olds trying to pee in peace.

Whatever happened to pee before you leave home?

Mums, why don’t you have the toilet facilities in Oxford mapped out so you
are not making everyone in the ladies at JL, M&S and the Ashmolean
uncomfortable with your inability to allow your young man to go be a
young man in the young man’s space??

How on earth are they ever ever going to learn how to take care of themselves
in a public space with mothers hovering fhs.

OP what are you thinking - your son should not be everyone else’s discomfort.

#What Lady Hexham said so succinctly eloquently and correctly.

Ok so I always took the opposite view and said use the urinal because it’s more public/ anyone could walk in and so you being up to no good. I worried about peep holes in cubicles or him getting cornered. It’s sad that we have to worry about this stuff at all but there you go.

8? He has ASD but very independent. 12 is ridiculous. DS is now 12 and 5’9”. No way should he be in female spaces.

there just needs to be nore family toilets. i am a solo parent with a tall 8 years old with Asd. He isnt confident enough to even wait outside the cubicle in the ladies let alone go into the mens and panics and starts hyperventilating. I have a bowel condition but we can very rarely get into the disabled, its always in use wherever we go or out of order. He doesnt see his dad so i havent even got anyone who can take him into the mens to practice. i can understand everyones perspective and we try to avoid needing the toilet but its not always possible.

Between 8-10 but context dependent. Some rougher places I’d be more cautious.

you do what’s right for you. There’s cubicles in women’s toilets so having a boy in there is ok IMO.

obviously the disabled is the best option but they aren’t always available, many locked and the radar keys don’t work.

one thing that I’ve done is send eldest in the scope the place, come out and we make a decision. They are told to use cubicles and scream if needed. If anyone looks dodgy get out quick.

and to the poster who mentioned carers needing the toilet - it’s a massive issue. There are no options unless the person being supported is on 2:1 or more and you make a judgement and risk assessment to do the quickest wee possible whilst the other person keeps eyes on/distracts or holds (where legal). 1:1 carers for adults/teens and when not family is impossible.

but at the end of the day you do what’s the best in that moment for the safety of your child. You can’t always plan the wee/poo to coincide with the best toilet!

It’s scary isn’t it. I’ve always suggested the cubicles but now you’ve got me worried about being cornered!!

I'm always so relieved when we’re out as a family and dad can take them in!!

My DS was neurodiverse and had learning disabilities but I made him use the men's toilet from 8 with me waiting outside or sometimes his older brother went in with him if he was there too. Over 8's should not use female toilets. I'm surprised no one has commented on it whilst he's been in the ladies.

As he has a disability he should be using the disabled toilets.

Does this 12 year old use the girls toilet at school or the boys toilet?

Good question.

It’s ok to disagree with people who keep their kids safe differently to you but you don’t need to be so rude.

the OP has said they use the disabled toilet when available but it’s not always an option.

you need to respect that other people have different challenges to you.

and at school it’s a safer and more controlled and predictable environment and he may have additional reasonable adjustments in place.

No. You are making out I'm being unreasonable. I am not.

You can keep your child safe. There is a designated place for this already. You do not have to pretend there isn't. It's called the disabled. Your son is disabled.

Stop violating the privacy and dignity of women because you don't want to acknowledge we have a right to it and women and girls matter too. It is not for women to accommodate adults who do not wish to respect them because they seem to think they are more important. They are not. Equality it about respecting access, safety, dignity and privacy of all parties.

You’re talking to the wrong person. I’m not the OP or the person you were rude too.

i’m another poster who recognises that there are different challenges for people.

12?? My DS was taller than me at 12! Of COURSE a 12 year old boy goes into the men’s. Barring disability-in which case, he needs a RADAR key.

10, he has adhd and possible autism. I stand outside. I’m also very prepared to go in if he takes too long. I’ve had to shout in once.

If it is free, my disabled 10 year old uses the disabled toilet but if not then I take him to the ladies. If more disabled toilets were available, I wouldn't have to do it.