At what age did your son start using the men's toilets alone?

[PurpleRain2486]

My son is now 12 and still comes into the women's toilets with me when we're out, not something I've really thought about as it became our usual routine when out. but as he's getting older I'm just wondering if it's still practical. He's autistic (high functioning) and independent with toileting, but can be a little vulnerable and less aware in certain situations.
I'm wondering if at 12 he's now too old to be coming into the women's and should be using the men's while I wait outside.
Interested to hear from mums of boys in general, as well as those with autistic/SEND children — what age did you make the switch, and how did you manage it?

This totally depends on where you are. I agree with the poster who mentioned service stations. A quiet service station late at night, not a cat in hells chance is my 10 year old going in alone. I’ve noticed that frequently at service stations the toilets have an emergency exit straight out to the lorry park which is just left open. So despite appearances there often isn’t only one way in and out.

A pub, restaurant, cafe probably from 8 but but I do make sure they know where they are going.

It's about the privacy and dignity of females. He doesn't have to be doing anything! He's just there and that is enough because he has eyes and ears.

I dislike it. It's inappropriate and selfish. It means he's learning he should have access to womens spaces.

No.

The women on these threads amaze me. What exactly are you and/or your daughters doing in toilets, walking around in the communal area changing sanitary wear? It’s an in, use cubicle, wash hands, out.

I’m not personally in favour of a dad bringing his daughter into women’s toilets, but a mother and disabled son, I would immediately assume there was a safeguarding reason. And let’s be honest, at age 12, SEN or no, the safeguarding reason is that that BOY is not strong enough to have a hope in fighting off a predator.

My boys are 11 and 8 and my 11 year old has been insisting on using the men’s for a while. In restaurants he goes alone, otherwise I often stand outside. If it’s a service station, unless he’s with his dad he’s coming with me,
despite huge protests. He is a boy, he has ADHD and likely ASD but that’s not the issue, he would have no problem screaming if someone touched him nor (hopefully) telling me about an assault. But that’s doesn’t change his physical ability nor appearance - he is a boy. Not a man. If he’s forced to come into the women’s with me, ever, he is in and out of his cubicle and hand washing in about 5 minutes because I’m so embarrassing with my safety concerns.

Neither of my sons want access to women’s spaces, they want to use the mens 100% of the time. It doesn’t mean it’s safe for them to do so 100% of the time.

But in my case, not a single female was inconvenienced or made uncomfortable because it wasn’t even clear my ds was a boy. His eyes were firmly on the floor when he was between me and dd and he had a pink hat on.

and for swimming, I put a towelling shorts and hoodie on him on the poolside and didn’t enter female changing with him.

Anyway, he’s grown up now, very tall and very strong so his own safety in men’s bathrooms isn’t an issue.

At no time did we do anything upsetting to females.

This isn't my problem to solve.

Take it up with men.

I don't care.

It's not ok

About 8. He’s now 10 and would refuse to come into a women’s toilet. The 7 year old prefers coming with me into the women’s but if his brother is going I’d generally send them into the men’s together.

Way too old, guideline is age 8. If he’s not able to cope use the disabled toilet, it’s why they exist, he has a disability

I would say past 10 the disabled loo is the appropriate space for a SEN boy who needs support and it’s what we do now.

Exactly.

Its not my problem to accommodate a boy of 12. This is precisely what the disabled facilities are for.

I genuinely do not care about the complaining that women are being mean to objecting to males in the women's when the males are of high school age.

Just use the right facilities.

So it’s ok for you to walk into the men’s but not ok for a child with additional needs to be in the ladies?

I think the casual misogyny showed by @DustyMaidenand @Newsenmumhorribly fascinating. Not necessarily because of their opinion, but because it’s been presented with absolutely zero thought gone in to what girls might think about this. Absolutely zero, like what they might want or feel is so irrelevant, it hasn’t even crossed their minds. It would be one thing to think this is fine because you feel that a 12year old boy with autism being safe is more important than a 12 year old girl being comfortable. That would be a reasonable argument, although my answer to that would be fine re not wanting the 12 yr old boy alone in the males, but the solution isn’t limited to making girls uncomfortable. But..both the posters I quoted didn’t even think about anything other than what the boy wanted.

Rather obviously, he isn’t a problem for women. He is for young girls though.

We stopped them coming with me age 10 or 11 is (both ND & too anxious to use the men's on their own). We use the disabled if there is one.

I think once they're properly into puberty is too old.

My son is 8 and he’s just starting to now.

Remember it’s not just the particular child whose development through puberty matters. It’s the girls too. it isn’t massively unusual for a girl at 9 or 10 to have started puberty. So just because the boy hasn’t, his female classmate has. And that matters too.

I know you don’t care. I know most people had no shits to give when I was bringing up my ND DS. So I did what I needed to do and I have largely backed away from society.

@arethereanyleftatall you are so wrong. My judgment is not based on male or female. It is a risk assessment. The chances of the girl being harmed by a young boy chaperoned by his mother are minuscule. On the other hand the chances of a young boy being harmed in a male toilet is higher. He is also autistic.
it has historically been wrong to favour males over females it is equally wrong to illogically favour females over males.

You are missing the point @DustyMaiden. it’s about the safety, dignity and privacy of females in the spaces that were specifically designed as single sex for a reason. It’s fine to risk assess that because of disabilities, he could be harmed in a male toilet. Fine. And so, that 12 year old uses the facilities available for disabilities. What they do not do, is dismiss the rights of girls.

Most female changing rooms state they are for women and children under 8 so 8 was the age I sent my sons into the male toilets. I did used to wait right outside though for the next couple of years after that. I also told them to always use a cubicle and lock it rather than the urinal. They’re 17 and 18 now and have had no issues going to male toilets for the past 9-10 years. The eldest also has some minor SEN but managed fine.

Twelve?! Isn’t he ashamed of himself invading girls and women’s spaces like this?! I’m surprised nobody has given him an earful!! What’s with all these threads recently of older boys and men in women’s toilets?!

IF this is real, then obviously he should’ve been using the disabled toilet for years.

From around age 8 I made my boys use the correct sex toilets, but I understand they had each other.

Your child's vulnerability does not trump every woman and girl in the toilets.

12 is far too old.

My SEN son used the men's at 8 on his own. I briefed him, told him to shout loudly if there was an issue and stood outside, ready to go in - and I would have done if needed.

@DustyMaiden This is not a young child. This is a boy who is in secondary school, where no doubt he DOES NOT use the girl's toilets.