Struggling with difficult family dynamics and feeling exhausted by parenting

[Mercier1]

I’m really struggling with my family. And unsure what to do. I’m married and have two DS age 7 & 10.

my 7 yo is really lovely, but sometimes does have meltdowns, he’s also got a bit of a hyper energy and will incessantly go on and on about something until we give in but he’s really loving and empathic.

my 10 yo is way more complex and sometimes I feel like he is abusive to us. He can be really lacking in empathy, blames others and is so very rude. He is also very loving etc but I’m just really struggling with family life which feels relentlessly unenjoyable.
We walk on eggshells around him, if he doesn’t want to go out at the weekend - often - we are all held hostage inside.

every weekend will be arguing, loads of horse play and fighting between the boys. They really disrespect the house, they do nothing for themselves ans we lie with them both every night. They guilt trip me if I do something with friends and they give me loads of shit about my work- I work for myself and sometimes i have to travel for work.

my marriage is not amazing and there is plenty of low level conflict there too. I just find life really exhausting stressful and shit, and I crave time
alone and away from them all.

I don’t know how to change it, is this normal? Will it ever get better?

No it's not normal.

I would seek help. Those boys will be older and one will be a teenager in a few years and you will be even more challenged by them.

What happens if you say no to them?

it sounds like with both of them you let them decide most things.

I’m not an authoritarian parent but kids need boundaries to feel safe and secure.

They both sound anxious and the home sounds unstructured.

How does your husband parent?

The problems you list are:
Relationship issues, low level conflict
Rudeness from 10yo, walking on eggshells
High energy 7yo, meltdowns
Trapped if 10yo says no to outings
Fighting between siblings
Unhappy response to you being away from home

Obviously I have no idea what the backstory is with your DH, but relationship therapy might help to correct the conflict there which would help you work together on the rest of the issues. Kids worry around parents in conflict.

The weekends could be improved by divide and conquer. An activity is planned, and put on the calendar - something low difficulty and not prepaid at this stage. One parent is assigned each child. If 10yo kicks off, the assigned parent stays to deal with it, the other takes the 7yo and enjoys. Swap each time so each child gets time with each parent. This reduces sibling conflict, removes the trapped feelings and allows everyone some space or fun. It removes power from the 10yo. The majority of the time over the weekend keep them separately occupied wherever possible - your DH asks one to help him cook while you do something else with the other. It's hard but easier than managing fights after they start!

What drives the walking on eggshells with 10yo - what are you avoiding?

Re. them not liking you being away. What's it like for them when you're not in the house? What's your DH's attitude towards you being away?

Where from?
What kind of HCP?

Help from where? I don’t think anything is bad enough for CAHMS and I don’t know where to turn.

Not really. But there are virtually no consequences for their behaviour. They have limited screen time and we have periods of weeks where it’s completely removed. So I’m lost at what is a consequence.

I also read the explosive child book which said they don’t work and we need to work on problem solving together. We often do try this and have big serious conversations about the impact they have on us. I think at the end of the summer I just feel worn down.

This is actually really helpful. They are completely fine one to one and also better with one parent. It’s the unit of all four of us that’s most difficult but I have had some massive meltdowns when I’ve been on my own with them after school tbh …

my dh really dislikes the idea of us not all being together as a family so he tries to push for that but I think this is a really good plan.

relationship Councilling we have done it loads of time and neither of us have the money or the energy to do it again. My DH lacks boundaries in front of the kids. I think he is autistic tbh but it’s not going to change.

DS1 was/is like this.

I didn't let him get away with a thing and set very firm boundaries. It didn't change his essential nature- he kicked off every time I imposed them and said no to him, no matter how small a thing it was over. He would browbeat and browbeat, lie and manipulate, do everything to get me to back down. I never did, but it was fucking exhausting. It never changed his essential nature.

He's 16 now and has gone to live with his biological dad, and the house feels so calm.

As an example I booked swimming for today with a friend and her kids, they did the exact same at the start of the holidays and loved it. So thoughts that’s great plus I took a day off work which frankly I can’t afford to be doing.

out appointment is in an hour and he said I don’t want to go, this is a con for you to see your friend. My dh is wfh and I said if your not coming you’ll have to go to your nana so decide. Husband said he can stay here with me. No big drama but again it fucks up all the plans, if he wasn’t here there would be a huge issue and he’s got the power.

I am at a loss what to do bc if I insist there will be a massive blow up.

Re being away, they all get on fine but sometimes it’s hard according to dh same issues. It’s mixed really. Husband says he supports me but I feel the energy says diff and the kids pick up on it. He will deny if I confront him about this so pointless.

i sometimes dream about my marriage ending so I would only have to parent 50% of the time. That’s horrible isn’t it but it’s the truth.

what consequences did you use?

You lie with them to go to sleep ?
Sod that at their ages.
You go see your friend. Dh can deal with them.

I know it’s a fucking nightmare. My dh says he likes it. Ffs. I’m so fed up.

You can go on like this.
It will only get worse.

I would start with councelling with DH. You need to agree on how to run your family and how to sort your boys' behaviour.

Removal of devices/ switching off the WiFi (you can get routers/ apps where you can just turn the WiFi off to your individual DCs' devices).

Sometimes withdrawal of a planned treat or lift.

Well let dh sort bedtimes....use the free time to look after your wellbeing..

I think DH can take on closer to 50pc now without divorce.

Unfortunately you have to massively disengage, you are orbiting the 3 family members and abandoning your own needs, while they don't orbit you at all. Individual counselling would probably be more appropriate or even better do things child free and DH free and just get yourself back together. Months not weeks.

Basics like eating clean, enough quality sleep, hydration, exercise etc. Take the time. They won't give it to you, you have to take it. Put your own oxygen mask on first and all that.

I know it’s controversial but kids need to be a tiny bit afraid of pissing their parents off. We were ( and my parents are lovely) and our kids were too. The slight fear and respect has gone and scenarios like this are the outcome. Could you get this back?

Sod that lying with them to sleep! Far too old. You matter too

I don't understand why he can't just be given the choice to join you or stay home in the first place given your DH is WFH?
Then you go with 7yo to swimming and enjoy it.

You don't give anyone power by giving them options. The more options you can give when it suits you, the more leverage you have when you have to say no.

Yes I don't really understand the swimming issue. Just take the 7 y o and leave the other boy with his dad as he offered.

You did say that the two boys are better on their own so go and have a lovely time with the younger one.

Personally I think your dc needs to have the feelings of missing out.

And he can't be stopping you going out..hes a dc..

If husband is autistic I think he is unlikely to change and we’ve done it so many times, he doesn’t think he or we are part of the issue. It’s pointless. Also I can’t afford it. I have therapy alone as is.

I think this is what we need to do. We already do this a bit but not consistently and I don’t think we believe it will make a diff.

Not likely to happen!